Freaked Out! Dating a man with kids!

[AxelAnnie]

OliviaPug

RUN~! Go the other way FAST!

I didn't. And although I love my three step kids......it is a huge complication. HUGE.
Especially if you didn't want kids. Those ages are brutal. Not fun if both parents are married, happy and on the page about child rearing. Horrible if not. You have two teenagers who are going to resent the time that their dad spends with someone else...how could they not? I assume they live with the mom.

And, PRLady is right. The kids have to come first. There is usually a lot of guilt attached to the divorce........on everyone's part, and being in the middle of the insanity is not a fun place to be. (Kids playing one parent off against the other, parents trying to win the kids affection, and it goes on and on.)

I married a man with three children when I was 24. The kids were 12, 6 and 2. Their mother is not competent at that point to care for the children at all. Their father (my husband) just figured it was someone else's job...........that someone else was me.
Now, I volunteered for that job (Put me in Coach!!! I can do it!!!)

The kids all lived with us (some more, some less) and I love the kids...........but I would NEVER do it again. Marriage and relationships are hard enough without extra complications.

[milanessa]

Sounds like your husband was the ass in that situation, AxelAnnie.

[leesaleesa]

So, it all comes back to me. Not the kids. Not the guy. And what I want and what I can live with. I've already been in a marriage that turned very badly after 10 years due to substance abuse. I neglected myself and my wants and needs for a very long time to the point of almost losing my life last year due to a health concern that resulted in sudden cardiac death. I am very lucky to be alive. And now I ask myself: "Do I really want to be involved with a whole other family?" And, yet, I'm a loving, nurturing person, and that's part of the problem. When people are in my life, I nurture them at my expense. It's so tough. I'm scared to go back there ...

It really sounds like you need to take more time for yourself and have fun as a single.

On the other hand, it's tough, because depending on your age, you will either find men with kids, men without kids who are kids themselves, or 53 year old men and up who are "ready to settle down and start a family". I just divorced recently, though I have known it was over for at least a year, and though I'm not dating yet, it's rather discouraging to see what's out there.

Really, you will have to decide between three things-Staying single and having serial monogamy if that's your preference, becoming involved with a middle aged, selfish manchild, or compromising and adapting to your partner's kids. There are men who don't have or want kids, but I suspect the stable, mature ones are scarce.

Why not explain that you are satisfied right now with your situation, and take it slow? If you decide to make it permanent, the kids will be even older and less for you to deal with. Even if it doesn't work out, the kids are old enough to not become attached to you. They have a Mother, and are at the age where they spend the majority of time with friends.

[Hannahclear]

It really sounds like you need to take more time for yourself and have fun as a single.

On the other hand, it's tough, because depending on your age, you will either find men with kids, men without kids who are kids themselves, or 53 year old men and up who are "ready to settle down and start a family". I just divorced recently, though I have known it was over for at least a year, and though I'm not dating yet, it's rather discouraging to see what's out there.

Really, you will have to decide between three things-Staying single and having serial monogamy if that's your preference, becoming involved with a middle aged, selfish manchild, or compromising and adapting to your partner's kids. There are men who don't have or want kids, but I suspect the stable, mature ones are scarce.

Why not explain that you are satisfied right now with your situation, and take it slow? If you decide to make it permanent, the kids will be even older and less for you to deal with. Even if it doesn't work out, the kids are old enough to not become attached to you. They have a Mother, and are at the age where they spend the majority of time with friends.

I totally agree with this. Most guys have kids, especially by this stage of life. And if you like this guy, I would try and find a way to deal with it. Especially given that they are older and you live far away. It sounds negotiable to me.

Good luck!

[AxelAnnie]

Sounds like your husband was the ass in that situation, AxelAnnie.

Well, I have said that myself.....many times. He is from a different generation......Man works and brings home the $$$, woman keeps house and children. I didn't really have a problem with it.......that is how I was raised to. I was 24 to his 37...what did I know. I saved those kids, though.

I just wouldn't do it again.

Also, if someone doesn't want kids....good for them, and good for knowing, and good for not having any. It isn't a job for everyone. I really admire people who are honest about their wants and dislikes. Makes everyone happier in the long run.

[heckles]

I totally agree with this. Most guys have kids, especially by this stage of life.

I'm not a big fan of telling anyone they have to settle. Seems that it's usually women who are told this. While it's true that a lot of middle-age men have children, OliviaPug is presumably looking for just one man. It's not unrealistic for her to find one without kids if that's her preference.

[Anita18]

I'm not a big fan of telling anyone they have to settle. Seems that it's usually women who are told this. While it's true that a lot of middle-age men have children, OliviaPug is presumably looking for just one man. It's not unrealistic for her to find one without kids if that's her preference.

It'll just be harder to find them, I think that's what Hannahclear is saying. It might take a long time and a lot of dates and frog princes. But if if it's worth to OliviaPug, then it's worth it. Just gotta go in aware of this stuff.

[leesaleesa]

It might take a long time and a lot of dates and frog princes

Frog princes dressed in Ed Hardy who asure you that even though they're in their fifties, everyone swears they look like they're 35, and they don't act their ages, anyways. Yeah, they put an s on the end of anyway. Oh, and botox. Bruce Jenner bad level botox. The ones in their thirties seem to be lacking employment. The guys in their forties seem to grouse about "games", "drama", and "baggage" a lot.

I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids. If you like the guy enough, it would be well worth investing in some counseling. You may change your mind about kids one day.

Then again, it sounds to me like you've made your mind up. Probably best to break it off for now at least and give yourself time to find what you're looking for.

[Anita18]

Frog princes dressed in Ed Hardy who asure you that even though they're in their fifties, everyone swears they look like they're 35, and they don't act their ages, anyways. Yeah, they put an s on the end of anyway. Oh, and botox. Bruce Jenner bad level botox. The ones in their thirties seem to be lacking employment. The guys in their forties seem to grouse about "games", "drama", and "baggage" a lot.

I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids. If you like the guy enough, it would be well worth investing in some counseling. You may change your mind about kids one day.

Then again, it sounds to me like you've made your mind up. Probably best to break it off for now at least and give yourself time to find what you're looking for.

Ugh, on another forum we're dealing with a guy who claims to be 50 but likes to "manipulate" young women (like, half his age) to sleep with him. By giving them lots of alcohol. And there was one time he was dry-humping the current object of his attention in the passenger seat of a SmartCar. And he keeps claiming that of course she likes the attention because all her friends are okay with letting her get sexually assaulted by other friends, and she keeps on wanting to hang out with him. And of course she has severe daddy issues.

Sure he's got his own house and a car and a good job and is childless without an ex-wife but...no! I'll take a guy with kids over that rapist creep!

[heckles]

I'm sure the single, childless men are out there, and there are some worth having, but it may take more effort to find and deal with them than kids.

Eh, would you want someone to get in a relationship with you thinking, "She's not what I actually want, but it's more effort to find what I really do want, so I guess I'll just settle for her."?

[Anita18]

Eh, would you want someone to get in a relationship with you thinking, "She's not what I actually want, but it's more effort to find what I really do want, so I guess I'll just settle for her."?

To be fair, anyone who was THAT stubborn about their "wanted in a partner" list would best be avoided anyway.

Could kids complicate a relationship? Sure. But it's never that cut and dry, is it? Stuff like that is always on a case-by-case basis.

I just had a friend who, after swearing he would never do long-distance relationships, fall hard for a woman who lives 1500 miles away. (They met when she was in his workplace on business.) So now he's doing the long-distance thing.

[essence_of_soy]

At the end of the day, you're ultimately responsible for any conscious and unconscious choices that you make.

With any real relationship there are pros and cons. You like him, but he has kids (who like you, it seems.)

I know it's a hard call and I am not suggesting you act on it. But, have you thought about how he'd react if you said that you would prefer to spend quality time with him alone instead of with his children tagging along?

They already have parents that make decisions on their behalf.

As some people have mentioned, finding a man who doesn't already have children or isn't damaged in some way by past experience, is a lot harder later in the game.

I would seriously think about the positives before breaking things off.

[heckles]

To be fair, anyone who was THAT stubborn about their "wanted in a partner" list would best be avoided anyway.

Yeah, I just can't understand why picky women have non-negotiables in dating, like "no death row inmates" and the like.

[Anita18]

Yeah, I just can't understand why picky women have non-negotiables in dating, like "no death row inmates" and the like.

Well, you'd meet a childless older man before you'd meet a death row inmate for dating, at least!

[Southpaw]

It really sounds like you need to take more time for yourself and have fun as a single.

That's what I'm thinking.

Olivia, I think you need to put the brakes on the "hang out with my kiddies" aspect of this since it causes you such (understandable) anxiety. It sounds to me like he's trying to slowly integrate you into his life. He has kids so he probably wouldn't want to date a woman who wouldn't blend in well with the kids. You passed that test it seems. Just don't underestimate your dating market value. You are a woman without kids and you sound pretty level-headed and reasonable, therefore, you are a VERY attractive commodity in the dating market. You have a lot of power here. Don't blow it all on some situation that you're not comfortable with just because it's the first thing that's come your way since your divorce. It's harder for him as a man with kids to find a woman without kids than it would be for you to find a man without kids. Maybe he'd be a good fit for you at some other time, but you're not at that some other time right now. You're in right now. Is he working for you right now?

If you enjoy spending time with the guy then by all means enjoy yourself, but don't let him slowly wheedle you into a situation that you're really not comfortable with or even want. He may be a good rebound experience for you, but perhaps you need to experience a little more of life on your own terms and for yourself before getting tangled up with someone again. There is no shame in taking on the world on your own for a while. Or maybe even longer.

[Aussie Willy]

A friend of mine married someone with 3 kids who are now almost grown up. They were about the age of the girls of your boyfriend when they got married. She has never wanted kids herself but it was part and parcel of getting together with her husband.

She has always taken the attitude that she is not involved in the parenting side of things and has kept to that. When the kids have spent the weekend with him, she has gone and done her own thing so he can spend time with them.

I think it is a positive that his kids like you (says something about you too ). It can be really horrid when the step kids are horrible to the new partner.

Maybe talk to him about your feelings and just be honest about it. There is no reason why it can't work out if it is managed in a way that suits you both and the kids.

[skateboy]

Olivia, does he have any idea how you feel? Seems like that might need to be the first thing brought to the table.

[PRlady]

Well, I have said that myself.....many times. He is from a different generation......Man works and brings home the $$$, woman keeps house and children. I didn't really have a problem with it.......that is how I was raised to. I was 24 to his 37...what did I know. I saved those kids, though.

I believe you. My husband's ex was manic-depressive, not on medication and impossible. (According to my stepdaughter she still is.) I was 25 and fiance 32 when we moved in together and got the kids. WHAT was I thinking?

But despite all my mistakes, and there were plenty, I knew how to keep a clean house, deal with a teacher, and eventually, cook a dinner. My husband shared chores equally but was annoyed that I insisted on my own bank account -- I couldn't stand the idea of the alimony checks coming from a joint account every month.

The kids were already a disaster, the older two dropped out of high school, when things got "bad" meaning some discipline they ran to their mom's. My stepson was on his way to an awful life, he actually was in jail as a teenager for stealing cars. But now he's a responsible fortysomething with an excellent second marriage and custody of his kids and a good job as a techie. My younger stepdaughter has three degrees and does something so esoteric and highly classified I barely understand it. They're not perfect but they made it, somehow, and since they give me some of the credit I'm grateful and pleased.

But I wouldn't do it again. And if my own daughter, at 24, was in that situation, I'd have a plain ole' fit.

[LilJen]

Olivia, does he have any idea how you feel? Seems like that might need to be the first thing brought to the table.

Ditto. Very important to be open about your feelings. He may be OK with you being uncertain, or he may decide that he needs to be with someone who feels more comfortable in the potential-stepmother position.

[Alex Forrest]

Olivia, a new viewpoint. You are one and a half hours away. You aren't stepmom. You like the boyfriend. Find the good in this.

I inherited a 'son' when I was 27. It was a typical ugly divorce and I met my now ex the day the divorce was granted. The wife was an alcoholic pill popping drama queen and was convinced I was in the background the entire time. My ex would drive anyone to alcohol and pills he was so abusive. Then there was the 12 year old son.

Can you think of yourself as a big sister to these kids? Help them out, they know the score. I was never Uncle Alex, Daddy Alex. I was big brother Alex. In the emotional tug of war between those two parents, I was the one who took my 'son' to trumpet practice, soccer games, spent hours on the basketball court. The parents were incapable of giving this kid love. Money? Sure. Attention? No way.

Anyway, you are an hour and a half away. You control this dance.