Dating dilemma

[SceneIt]

What do you think about a guy who that only wants to see you maybe every 3-4 weeks? Never married, no children, so no family obligations. Doesn't call a whole lot, but likes to text. When he does call, he can keep you on the phone for a good hour, so lots to talk about.

This goes on for about 5 months and up to about the 4th month, when you start to have sex (this would be around the 5th actual date), and you want to see more of him, he points out red flags and blows everything out of proporation and ends the relationship.

Was he just after casual sex?

[sap5]

Yes.

[SceneIt]

Yes.

So why wouldnt he be interested if he were told that that would be enough for me, and instead said that one of us would get hurt.

[PDilemma]

So why wouldnt he be interested if he were told that that would be enough for me, and instead said that one of us would get hurt.

He's hiding something. Probably some sort of committed relationship.

[FunnyBut]

Was he just after casual sex?

I would say more broadly he's not ready for a relationship, whatever the reasons. I'd also consider him quite self-centered (everything on his terms and availability).

[milanessa]

Are you absolutely certain he isn't married?

[sap5]

So why wouldnt he be interested if he were told that that would be enough for me, and instead said that one of us would get hurt.

Because he really isn't interested in you, even for casual sex. Maybe he has a secret relationship you don't know about, maybe he just met someone he's more interested in, maybe the sex with you wasn't good, or maybe he's just crazy. The bottom line is, he's not that into you.

Seriously SceneIt, you deserve better than this. A guy like that shouldn't be "enough for you." If you were just interested in casual sex too, you would never have posted this topic. Don't waste time with people like this -- go after those guys who truly care about you.

[Cupid]

Sounds like he might be married or maybe not officially divorced or separated.

[SceneIt]

Are you absolutely certain he isn't married?

I've been at his place on several occasions, given the grand tour, no signs of a women living there.

He also said he wasnt seeing anybody else. I find it hard to believe because he is very attractive and fit, he has mental health issues (depression/anxiety/panic attacks) for which he is on meds.

Yeah, once I started making demands on his time, like ME doing the instigating of asking what he's doing the upcoming weekends, or ME making the first text message going out, then he backs off.

Couple of friends of mine from just what I told them thought he was a player.

[overedge]

If there is a woman, she might not be living at the same place that he took you to.

And sap5 is completely right - you deserve better than this.

[SceneIt]

I sent him a text message yesterday saying if we could at least see each other again within the next several months, and no response. He also ignored an email I sent a few days ago basically apologizing for some mean things that were said, he said some as well. And nothing.

I know it sounds pathetic, but do you think there is any chance he will try to contact me again? Can't believe I let this go on for as long as it did! Next time, if someone doesnt show interest right off the bat, I'm not getting involved!

[Michalle]

He is definitely not interested. That's why he's ignoring the texts and emails. Forget him.

[PDilemma]

I sent him a text message yesterday saying if we could at least see each other again within the next several months, and no response. He also ignored an email I sent a few days ago basically apologizing for some mean things that were said, he said some as well. And nothing.

I know it sounds pathetic, but do you think there is any chance he will try to contact me again? Can't believe I let this go on for as long as it did! Next time, if someone doesnt show interest right off the bat, I'm not getting involved!

Move on. Now. Do not try to contact him again and do not respond if he does answer you.

He isn't interested in the same way you are. And that isn't going to change.

It sucks to be alone. But a bad relationship sucks more.

[soxxy]

.... he has mental health issues (depression/anxiety/panic attacks) for which he is on meds.

Has he spoken how this affects his feelings/decisions/relationships with other people?

[luna_skater]

Move on. Now. Do not try to contact him again and do not respond if he does answer you.

He isn't interested in the same way you are. And that isn't going to change.

It sucks to be alone. But a bad relationship sucks more.

This.

And somewhat related, I've found a lot of fascinating articles about men on this website: http://goodmenproject.com/. IMO, it's more enlightening for women than reading crap like Cosmo. It provides insight into why men do the things they do, the kind of pressures they face in modern society, etc. I'm not saying I agree with every word that's published there, but I think it's worth browsing for any woman who's been a bit baffled about male behavior at some point!

[Anita18]

When we first started dating, my fiance would contact me once a week. We'd go out on a date once a month for like, the first 5 months. It was as you described, super casual. But he started staying over during the weekend and it was clear he was fine with more commitment. The slow burn might have actually been good for me since I tend to overthink things and this way made it more casual and I was able to scope him out personally before I got too far into the relationship.

I don't think this guy would have strung you along for 5 months JUST for casual sex, especially if you didn't have sex for months. If there was another woman in the picture, what was he getting out of your relationship if it wasn't sex? I think he's just afraid of commitment.

There might be a chance that he will contact you again if he wants attention. But it'll only be on HIS terms, not yours. You have to ask yourself whether you deserve that.

[FunnyBut]

I know it sounds pathetic, but do you think there is any chance he will try to contact me again!

No, it's not pathetic at all, most of us at one point or another have wanted someone that just wasn't there for us.

But just know that he has a problem, not you. He can't take the pressure of a relationship, he's totally selfish, and isn't responsible in communcation. Your heart will realize soon enough that there never really was much to work with.

[magnolia]

I recommend reading The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider ASAP. Also, Why Men Marry Bitches is quite good as well.

[UMBS Go Blue]

There might be a chance that he will contact you again if he wants attention. But it'll only be on HIS terms, not yours. You have to ask yourself whether you deserve that.

I think that hits the spot, without knowing more about this particular situation.

It appears that you have a fair bit of needs. Unmet needs. Perhaps more contact at a deeper emotional level, and not just the physical bedroom kind. Although the primary problem looks like one where the whole relationship dynamic is being driven by his needs and his schedule, there could also be substantial secondary concerns fueling the spiral. In particular, your needs are either 1) willfully not being met despite having been communicated to him, and/or 2) not communicated clearly and properly in the first place, both of which enable the primary problem, which is his driving the relationship according to this terms.

If 1) he isn't willing to meet your needs, or even hear about them, and/or 2) you don't feel comfortable expressing your needs clearly and fully with him, then you should best move on towards other opportunities where you will feel comfortable expressing your needs and where you feel there is a reasonable chance they will be met.

At some point in any budding relationship, preferably sooner than later, it should be time for the "where is this going? what do you want out of this? what do I want out of this?" chat. Seems like your ship has already sailed with respect to this guy.

And, in any case, you should not feel desperate enough to enter any kind of "relationship" just for the sake of a "relationship," emotional/physical company, or emotional/physical attention. So, hit the reset button, purge this scumbag from your memory, and go back out there with a clear mind. Resolve to be a better, more forceful relationship driver, on your own terms. Resolve to communicate your needs clearly and directly, as soon as practicable, when the next guy comes around.

[Alex Forrest]

I would just do my best to forget about him. We're all crazy in our own way, the key with dating/love is to find someone that compliments your craziness and vice versa.
I had started to date someone this year (first time since a devastating breakup two years ago). I wasn't ready for five calls a day, or even a week. Leave me be during the week and let's see what happens on Friday/Saturday. I don't have a secret significant other but I'm sure his friends were giving him that same advice about me because I was really taking it slowly and was pretty withdrawn.
It's not up to any of us to say you deserve better. You know what you deserve and can handle. But I highly doubt that if it took five months to have sex that he was playing you. Maybe he couldn't handle the intimacy. I couldn't even handle someone being nice to me and wanting to call me so much, it put me on edge, like this person totally doesn't know how little worth I have and I'm only going to be a disappointment. Maybe this guy was like that too, which is a shame, but it's not your issue.
Actually SceneIt this sounds like me. Are you in Houston? *eek*