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  1. #1

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    Wedding Gifts and Jewish weddings

    So we are invited to some good firends wedding this summer, and I have 2 questions

    1) About gifts: This is only the second US wedding we have been to, and the first one requested donations or had a nifty website where you could give them 'experiences' for their honeymoon (aka - 2 night on the hotes in Florence - I thought this was neat). This couple has a traditional wedding registry. I have noticed in other wedding threads that youu 'send' the gifts? In Denmark you always bring them to the wedding, and the bride and groom usually opens it up before the dinner. Is that not done here? Where do I send the gift? How do I mark them? Do I get the store to send them?

    2) this is Jewish wedding, and the invitation says something like 'Badeken and Tish at 5pm, Chuppah at 6pm'. I understand the Chuppah is the ceremony itself and that Badeken is the 'veiling of the bride'. But what is Tish? And how are the 2 events connected/seperated? Are they seperated by gender? 'Side of family'?

    Anything else worth knowing?

    Our friends are fairly secular/libral? jews, but part of the bride's family is more conservative?/orthodox?. Her sister keeps kosher, and I believe modesty rules.

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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    So we are invited to some good firends wedding this summer, and I have 2 questions

    1) About gifts: This is only the second US wedding we have been to, and the first one requested donations or had a nifty website where you could give them 'experiences' for their honeymoon (aka - 2 night on the hotes in Florence - I thought this was neat). This couple has a traditional wedding registry. I have noticed in other wedding threads that youu 'send' the gifts? In Denmark you always bring them to the wedding, and the bride and groom usually opens it up before the dinner. Is that not done here? Where do I send the gift? How do I mark them? Do I get the store to send them?
    Gifts used to almost always be sent to the bride's home but that's shifted a bit over the years. A lot of people do take them to the wedding but they probably won't be opened there - the best man is usually responsible for gathering them up and getting them somewhere after the reception. If they already live together then they'll go there, otherwise the bride's home is the norm.

    If you buy off of the wedding registry the store will wrap and deliver (for a charge) or you can buy it and mail it ahead of time. Address it to the person you know best or just to the bride.

    Have fun!
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    I've never been to a wedding where they opened the gifts there. But I'm from NY and cash seems to be the gift of choice, so most people just bring an envelope with a check.
    "The Devil is joining in, and that's never a good sign." Phil Liggett

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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    So we are invited to some good firends wedding this summer, and I have 2 questions

    2) this is Jewish wedding, and the invitation says something like 'Badeken and Tish at 5pm, Chuppah at 6pm'. I understand the Chuppah is the ceremony itself and that Badeken is the 'veiling of the bride'. But what is Tish? And how are the 2 events connected/seperated? Are they seperated by gender? 'Side of family'?

    Anything else worth knowing?

    Our friends are fairly secular/libral? jews, but part of the bride's family is more conservative?/orthodox?. Her sister keeps kosher, and I believe modesty rules.

    The Badeken and Tish usually take place in separate rooms - you are correct about the Badeken being the " veiling of the bride" - the Tish (Yiddish for table) is where the "ketubah" or wedding contract is signed by the Rabbi performing the ceremony and the groom's witnesses -

    In Orthodox weddings, this is the room where the men gather to celebrate with the groom while the women guests are in the other room with the bride.

    Before the Chuppah, the men accompany the groom with singing and dancing as they bring him into the Badeken to place the veil over the bride, and dancing him back out of the room after this is completed.

    Usually there is food served in both rooms or both "sections" of the room depending on the place where the wedding is being held, but sometimes the better food is in the Bride's room - since her family is often paying for it - so the men wander in there as well. It depends on how strictly religious the family is.

    If the family is very orthodox, there will be separate seating during the Chuppah - men on one side and women on the other - and possible during the reception meal and dancing as well.

    If they have requested modest dress, the women should not wear sleeveless or backless dresses, or anything that is too sheer and revealing -- no plunging necklines or mini skirts -

    If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Garden Kitty View Post
    I've never been to a wedding where they opened the gifts there. But I'm from NY and cash seems to be the gift of choice, so most people just bring an envelope with a check.
    In Denmark I have never heard of sending ahead.
    Most weddings either had the bride & groom open the gifts when people arrived and were having apeterifs - before they sat down for dinner so everyone wasn't standing around watching, but circulating and making small talk - or just put all the gifts on a table to open later.
    I love to open gifts, and I love to have gifts I give opened, so we decided to open gifts at our wedding and it worked fine. My brother helped out and every gift + card was marked with matching stickers which made it easy to send thank you notes.
    It seems that US weddings are generally larger than in Denmark? Ours were about 6o invites and considered fairly large.

    Quote Originally Posted by harekrishna43 View Post

    If they have requested modest dress, the women should not wear sleeveless or backless dresses, or anything that is too sheer and revealing -- no plunging necklines or mini skirts -

    If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
    Thank you for you explainations!

    They have not requested modest dress - I just know there were some 'wedding drama' since the bride's sister is dressing modest, and need a different dress than the other bridesmaids and apparently she chose the wrong fabric

    It was my impression that the sister is more orthodox than the rest of her family, but they are accomondating the strict diet.

    It will be interesting to see how the seating arrangements are!

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    It is always correct to send the gift ahead....and thoughtful. (Not that you are incorrect of rude to bring it.) When gifts are sent ahead, no one has to worry about lugging them home for the bride and groom (who are leaving on their honeymoon) or cards getting lost, or gifts up and walking away (with a bit of help).
    DH - and that's just my opinion

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    In the US you will find just about every possible custom observed, and in NY, at least in my observation, enough people tended to think that their way was the only way ever in the history of man to provide lots of entertainment value as I listened to co-workers plan their weddings and make fun of other people who did it differently.

    On the whole, sending a gift ahead of time -- most stores will ship and online registries almost always involve shipping -- is usually a good idea. The conundrum is for people who live in apartments, don't have doormen, and work during the day, and then they have to arrange either to pick things up around their work schedules or with Fedex/DHL/UPS/etc. to be home for shipment, which is like waiting for the cable guy. Theoretically the bridge and groom can ask for everything to be shipped together, so that it's only one big delivery per registry, but that went horribly wrong for my Dallas friends with Crate and Barrel. (The order confirmation said "Your gifts will be delivered together on X date", and then two days later I received a shipping notice.)

    Badeken and Tish is pretty unusual for non-observant Jews, and I've only been to Badeken for Orthodox relatives. It should be an interesting experience.
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    For the ladies, I would still dress fairly modestly (no bare back, plunging necklines, etc.), out of respect for the more observant family members.

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    Quote Originally Posted by kwanfan1818 View Post
    Badeken and Tish is pretty unusual for non-observant Jews, and I've only been to Badeken for Orthodox relatives. It should be an interesting experience.
    I've never been to either, and all the weddings I've been to have been Jewish weddings - in Israel, though, so obviously there are cultural differences.

    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    They have not requested modest dress - I just know there were some 'wedding drama' since the bride's sister is dressing modest, and need a different dress than the other bridesmaids and apparently she chose the wrong fabric

    It was my impression that the sister is more orthodox than the rest of her family, but they are accomondating the strict diet.
    Re what to wear, if you know what the bride and bridesmaids are wearing, that could give a good indication as to what level of modesty is expected. If they're keeping kosher with the food, you can expect a non-dairy wedding cake.

    I'm out of my depth with advice on gifts; we bring checks here, and the main challenge is to figure out how much to give.

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    Yes, I'm Reform and had Badeken, when I married my Ex-H. I've never heard of another Reform couple doing that.....but it was something that ended up being extremely poignant and the photographer documented everything beautifully.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zemgirl View Post
    I'm out of my depth with advice on gifts; we bring checks here, and the main challenge is to figure out how much to give.
    In Denmark I have never seen anyone bring money for a wedding.

    I still don't know how big a gift to give...

    When you send gifts, how far in advance do you usually send them?

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    If you get something from the wedding registry, have the store ship it. First, the store most likely has the address. Second, if it is breakable and it breaks in shipping, the store is responsible. If you ship it, you are responsible. Unless you get insurance on it.

    Most weddings I go to, the gift is money. A tangible gift is usually for the bridal shower, money for the wedding.
    Last edited by cruisin; 05-16-2012 at 12:31 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by avivadawn View Post
    Yes, I'm Reform and had Badeken, when I married my Ex-H. I've never heard of another Reform couple doing that.....but it was something that ended up being extremely poignant and the photographer documented everything beautifully.
    Couldn't agree more. I loved the Badeken.....such a lovely ritual. Really made me feel special, loved and cherished in a unique way.
    Last edited by AxelAnnie; 05-16-2012 at 08:17 AM.
    DH - and that's just my opinion

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    Quote Originally Posted by AxelAnnie View Post
    Couldn't agree more. I loved the Badeken.....suck a lovely ritual. Really made me feel special, loved and cherished in a unique way.
    You have a typo, which I am sure you didn't mean

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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    When you send gifts, how far in advance do you usually send them?
    As soon as you're invited you can start sending gifts, or, better yet, if they have an online registry, have the store ship directly to whatever address the bride and groom have left on file.

    I haven't hear much about this lately, but there used to be a blessed-by-etiquette-mavens tradition that people had, depending on the expert, up to six months or a year after the wedding to send a present, a practical option if you think the marriage has the lasting value of a Kardashian's, because although all wedding presents are supposed to be returned if the marriage breaks up soon after the wedding, that often doesn't happen.

    A lot of these gift customs were created long ago and under very different circumstances.
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    Quote Originally Posted by AxelAnnie View Post
    It is always correct to send the gift ahead....and thoughtful. (Not that you are incorrect of rude to bring it.) When gifts are sent ahead, no one has to worry about lugging them home for the bride and groom (who are leaving on their honeymoon) or cards getting lost, or gifts up and walking away (with a bit of help).
    I must admit that I have never sent the gift ahead of the wedding...
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    Quote Originally Posted by nubka View Post
    I must admit that I have never sent the gift ahead of the wedding...
    I always give money, so I don't either.

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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    In Denmark I have never seen anyone bring money for a wedding.
    Weddings in Israel tend to be big - I think the smallest one I've been to had over 200 guests and I've heard 350 is the average - so I'm not sure it would be manageable to have everyone buy gifts. Also the money helps offset the cost of these weddings, which is considerable.

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    that makes sense. That is a lot of people!

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