Does "No Gifts" really mean NO Gifts.

[jkl]

A former coworker is getting married next weekend. She is a widow and is marrying a widower. She has told everyone that they are combining two households and don't need any wedding gifts. Of course one coworker is organizing a group gift. It's not the $20 or $25 dollars that is concerning me. I just need to know what others would do. Do I look like a cheapo and pass on the gift or do I pretend I don't understand her wishes? What would you do? As always thanks so much!

[PeterG]

A former coworker is getting married next weekend. She is a widow and is marrying a widower. She has told everyone that they are combining two households and don't need any wedding gifts. Of course one coworker is organizing a group gift. It's not the $20 or $25 dollars that is concerning me. I just need to know what others would do. Do I look like a cheapo and pass on the gift or do I pretend I don't understand her wishes? What would you do? As always thanks so much!

Did you ask your co-worker why he/she is collecting for a gift when the couple was asked for no gifts? Isn't it rude to go against the wishes of someone during their special event?

If your co-worker insists on continuing with the collection, suggest that the money goes to an organization that does operations for blind children in third world countries so that they can see. A card and certificate about those you gave sight to could be given to the couple.

[milanessa]

Did you ask your co-worker why he/she is collecting for a gift when the couple was asked for no gifts?

Yeah. I'd like to hear the answer to that one.

[Rob]

I have the same question. A good friend is getting married - her second, his first. They have 2 households to combine. Plus, it is a destination wedding for her friends so she doesn't want people to spend on resort hotel and gifts. The invitation says "Your presence is our gift, but if you feel you must do something, a small donation may be made to the following charities: (list of 4 charities)." She did this after getting a kinds of calls about where she was registered (she's not registered). This friend is a client of my husband's woodworking business so he was going to make her a piece of furniture he knows she wants before we got the "no gift" message. Nothing over the top. But it says no gifts or make a donation.

My feeling is that "no gifts" is considered good etiquette for people who are on second marriages and are not just setting up a household, but if you happen to send a thoughtful gift, no-one is going to get insulted. Don't bring it to the wedding though (which used to be taboo, but I see it a lot now). And you don't have to give a gift or make a donation at all.

[Anita18]

If the couple really wanted no gifts, I might donate to a charity in their name if I really felt like giving them a gift.

My coworker who got married joked that they had a registry at Wells Fargo. Cash was a lot more useful than the typical wedding gift! I have no idea where the mister and I will be after the wedding, so receiving actual stuff to trudge around doesn't really sound fun...

When my best friend got married, I helped design and print her wedding invites, and gave her my old iPod Touch (which she used for music!) so that was my gift to her.

[kwanfan1818]

Did you ask your co-worker why he/she is collecting for a gift when the couple was asked for no gifts? Isn't it rude to go against the wishes of someone during their special event?

Really. Why does co-worker presume to know more about what the bride wants than the bride?

[cruisin]

^^ Being Italian, we always give money for weddings.

I appreciate and respect that a bride and groom might request no gifts. But they also need to appreciate that some people will feel uncomfortable if they don't give them something. A donation in their name is perfect. If that is not what the guest wants to do, a gift card would be appropriate.

I have a different kind of dilemma. We are invited to a bridal shower (and, of course the wedding) for the daughter of a dear friend. Because the bride and groom will not be in their own place (AKA no storage), for a while, they are not registered. While, I always give money for a wedding gift. It is customary to give a physical gift for the shower. I will get a gift card, but I feel bad that the bride won't get to open stuff !

kwanfan1818, I don't think the co-worker is presuming to know better than the bride. I just think that some people feel very uncomfortable attending something without bringing a gift of some sort. I would not even go to someone's home for dinner or a party without, at least, bringing a bottle of wine. So, how do I go to a wedding and not bring anything, it would make me very uncomfortable. While I would not go out and get an extravagant gift, I would want to do something to show my happiness for the couple and my appreciation for being included in the celebration.

[kwanfan1818]

I appreciate and respect that a bride and groom might request no gifts. But they also need to appreciate that some people will feel uncomfortable if they don't give them something. A donation in their name is perfect. If that is not what the guest wants to do, a gift card would be appropriate.

So, your feelings are more important than the bride's and groom's?

[milanessa]

I appreciate and respect that a bride and groom might request no gifts. But they also need to appreciate that some people will feel uncomfortable if they don't give them something. A donation in their name is perfect. If that is not what the guest wants to do, a gift card would be appropriate.

So, your feelings are more important than the bride's and groom's?

Really.

[Anita18]

So umm...in the case that the couple have no idea where they're going to be after the wedding and do not want actual physical gifts, how would one tactfully let the invited guests know? I mean, we obviously wouldn't say no to gift cards or cash (although we would be fine with nothing and will not be judging people!), but from what I've seen, it's "tacky" to request them.

[overedge]

I will get a gift card, but I feel bad that the bride won't get to open stuff !

Maybe it makes no difference whatsoever to the bride.

If your co-worker insists on continuing with the collection, suggest that the money goes to an organization that does operations for blind children in third world countries so that they can see. A card and certificate about those you gave sight to could be given to the couple.

And here I thought that you were going to suggest that the money for the operation go to the co-worker. So she can have her vision fixed enough to see the "No Gifts" request on the invitation

[kwanfan1818]

That's where your network comes in: they spread the word that you have no place to put any gifts and that storage would be an added expense and burden. Then they lead the brainstorming effort about what would be the best thing for you, and, hopefully, people don't conclude that lawn furniture is the answer to your predicament, unless they also offer to store it themselves and ship it to you when you're ready.

[cruisin]

So, your feelings are more important than the bride's and groom's?

I don't think I said that. And I seriously doubt that the bride and groom would be offended if I make a donation to, say, St. Jude in their name. Sometimes you have to accept that others want to do something generous, from the heart and be gracious.

So umm...in the case that the couple have no idea where they're going to be after the wedding and do not want actual physical gifts, how would one tactfully let the invited guests know? I mean, we obviously wouldn't say no to gift cards or cash (although we would be fine with nothing and will not be judging people!), but from what I've seen, it's "tacky" to request them.

You could say that you are not registered, as you have no storage space. That would probably indicate that cash or a GC would be best.

[cruisin]

Maybe it makes no difference whatsoever to the bride.

I know this bride pretty well.

[Nomad]

I agree with those who say respect the "no gifts" request. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, repeatedly request "greeting cards only", but people don't feel comfortable with that and give me stuff anyway, to avoid feeling guilty/cheap/whatever. Which in turn makes me uncomfortable. I'd really rather have just a card. why is that so terrible?

[Garden Kitty]

I would listen if the bride and groom request no gifts, but I personally prefer it if they at least suggest a charity or two.

Rob, in your case, if your husband is still willing to do the piece of furniture even if gifts aren't required, I might wait until after the wedding and they have a chance to get settled and then talk to her and see if she'd be comfortable accepting the piece. For some reason that gift seems more personal and somebody who doesn't want to look like they're soliciting cash from friends for a second wedding may still want such a thoughtful, personal gift. But I'd talk to her before spending that much time and effort on it.

[kwanfan1818]

I don't think I said that.

Sure you did, if you do what you feel comfortable with, not what they asked.

Maybe some people will feel uncomfortable if there is meat served at the reception, with an interfaith service, with the bride's ex-fiance's presence, with the length of the groom's hair, with the pregnant-but-unmarried bridesmaid, with the bride's nose ring, with the club where the reception will be held, etc.

If you're a guest, and you can't live with whatever, there's always the option of declining with regret.

And I seriously doubt that the bride and groom would be offended if I make a donation to, say, St. Jude in their name.

What if St. Jude has policies the bride and/or groom disagree with which the bridge and/or groom disagree?

Sometimes you have to accept that others want to do something generous, from the heart and be gracious.

So they should suck up their feelings, because you were too uncomfortable following their wishes and followed your own definition of generosity? There's nothing to stop you from making a donation to St. Jude on your own.

[Anita18]

That's where your network comes in: they spread the word that you have no place to put any gifts and that storage would be an added expense and burden. Then they lead the brainstorming effort about what would be the best thing for you, and, hopefully, people don't conclude that lawn furniture is the answer to your predicament, unless they also offer to store it themselves and ship it to you when you're ready.

That would be exasperating AND hilarious.

[cruisin]

I agree with those who say respect the "no gifts" request. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, repeatedly request "greeting cards only", but people don't feel comfortable with that and give me stuff anyway, to avoid feeling guilty/cheap/whatever. Which in turn makes me uncomfortable. I'd really rather have just a card. why is that so terrible?

It's not so terrible. For a very long time, I never asked for help, I felt uncomfortable/guilty if someone helped me, did something nice for me, gave me something. But, I have always loved to help other people, give them gifts, etc. I realized, as I got older, that I was being selfish. It gave me pleasure to do something nice for another person, why should I deprive them from the same good feeling.

[jlai]

I agree with those who say respect the "no gifts" request. I don't like to celebrate my birthday, repeatedly request "greeting cards only", but people don't feel comfortable with that and give me stuff anyway, to avoid feeling guilty/cheap/whatever. Which in turn makes me uncomfortable. I'd really rather have just a card. why is that so terrible?

I have had that problem for years. It is as if they dont wanna hear my no gift request. I have requested that for ages and they still ask for what I want for bday or xmas.