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  1. #1
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    Complicated relationship - advices needed

    Dear FSUers,

    I would like to hear your opinions/advices...

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 years, last 2 years we lived together. We were quite happy together and had almost no problems... Then he cheated on me and after it... he left me in one week, I was so shocked and I could not get it. I spent a month desperate and in tears. Well, he asked me to go out 2 weeks ago, so i went with him.... He wanted us to be together again... to try it out... I agreed it but I told him that I will need time to recover... He said: OK, it is up to you now... I aked him not to hurt me anymore, not to cheat on me anymore... He promised.

    After 2 weeks of "a new relationship" I discovered yesterday that he made some announcment on one dating site. That he is seraching for a female friend, not a girlfriend... But he wanted her to be pretty between 18-25 years and so on... Well, I asked him about it... He told he just wanted to flirt through messages on internet, that it would not be anything more... He deleted the announcment afterwards. But after all it hurt me very much.

    I was told as well that our relationship is not perfect like before... Well, how surprising after all what happened... He thought it would be the same like before... He was like that he wants to be with me, that he is missing me, that he likes the time when we are together, BUT always when he sees me he sees mostly my bad qualities... And NOW it is up to him if he can overcome this... Not about me, who must overcome his cheating... Funny...

    He is the one who wants to meet me, who writes me like the first, who calls me if I want to go out... So everything shocked me again.

    I can understand some of his negative feelings towards me. But the announcment on a dating site. I cannot understand how he could do it to me...

    After this I gave him really the last chance...
    I just wish he could see again, why we fell in love for the 1st time, why we loved each other for almost 5 years... But I do not know how to do it... And after that stupid announcment, I am not suer if I can be smily and happy when I am with him... What should I do?

    You know, all people tell me I should leave him and not to take care anymore, but I still love him very much... And I want to give it a try, how can I make him to see my good qualities again???

  2. #2
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    You can't make him see your good qualities again if he doesn't choose to. It's like trying to change a pessimist into an optimist. I've tried - you can't do it.

    I'm not going to mince words here. He obviously doesn't respect you in any way whatsoever. He's treating you like a pet whom he can call at will when he's feeling lonely, but from this vantage point, he doesn't see you as a partner, as an equal.

    At the same time, he can't even respect himself enough to let you go properly and move on. He calls you and wants to get back together because he's weak. He can't stand being lonely, and he doesn't respect you enough to treat you like a person.

    Like you can't make him see your good qualities again, I can't make you leave him. But you have to ask yourself - do you think you should be more respected in a relationship? It's really your call, whether to tolerate this as long as he wants to have you around, or whether you deserve something better for yourself.

    ((HUGS)) I know it's really hard, but he isn't the only person you'll be able to love. I promise.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pavla2304 View Post
    What should I do?
    Run fast. Run far.

    You know, all people tell me I should leave him and not to take care anymore, but I still love him very much... And I want to give it a try, how can I make him to see my good qualities again???
    You can't. The guy is using you and he will NOT change. All you can do is save yourself from more hurt and disappointment. You deserve someone who will love and respect you. He's not that person. He will only break your heart all over again. Let him go. He's not worth it.

    I hope you're ready to hear that message since you're asking for advice. If not, you will repeat that circle until you are ready to get it. Don't feel bad about it, I firmly believe that we put ourselves in some situations in life only to learn something valuable and something that we're in need of learning, even if the situations are not smart or pleasant. But that's OK, some of them are just meant to be horrible warnings.

  4. #4

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    Save yourself the heartache and find a real man!
    -Brian
    "Michelle would never be caught with sausage grease staining her Vera Wang." - rfisher

  5. #5

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    Most guys don't realise how good things were until they are gone. I broke off with someone because it was a dysfunctional relationship, much of which was due to his lack of emotional connection. After that he kept doing the whole "I miss you" and all that other stuff but it was too late. You sometimes have to be strong, stand your ground and not let yourself be treated like that.
    When you are up to your arse in alligators it is difficult to remember you were only meant to be draining the swamp.

  6. #6
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    My advice? Ditch him and buy yourself a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

    It's sweet, keeps you company, and satisfies your needs.

  7. #7

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    You deserve better...a real man; not a little boy "flirting on the internet". Ask yourself, "do I want this man to be the father of my children"? I hope not. He is not going to change - you can't change other people, only your reaction to them. Your reaction should be to politely find a hill and run for it.
    "awwww....shades of Janet Lynn" - Dick Button on anyone who makes more than one mistake in their program.

  8. #8

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    Speaking from personal experience... run now and fast.

    It'll hurt for a bit but in the grand scheme of things you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache later.
    ~I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.~ (Charles R. Swindoll)

  9. #9

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    I am all for giving someone a second chance (unless they are physically abusive and then it's done) but you gave him a second chance and he blew it big time. And now he is trying to lay the blame at your door by starting to pick on you and who you are. Trust me there is no way back for this relationship - and he will always be looking elsewhere regardless of how hard you try (he won't be trying it will all be on you to make the realtionship work).

    So as someone else has said - run away as fast as you can and find some one who will love and respect you for who you are.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lorac View Post
    I am all for giving someone a second chance (unless they are physically abusive and then it's done) but you gave him a second chance and he blew it big time.
    This.

    "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

    It will hurt like hell and you'll feel like you'll never be able to love like that again. But you can't let that paralyze you from doing what you know you should do - which is leave.

    You say that people (I assume the ones that know you) are telling you to leave him. Yet you're still conflicted. So conflicted that you're turning to strangers on a skating website seeking answers. Why? To see if someone validates that you should give it another try?

    And what have you read from people here? The SAME thing as the people who know you. If that doesn't tell you something, then you are doomed to find yourself right back where you are with this guy. I get it. Five years is a long investment. It's hard to see it go down the drain. Sorry to be harsh, but you need a wake-up call.

  11. #11
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    After spending so much time with someone, it's hard to move on. They're so much a part of how you think and what you do each day. But as others have pointed out - you've given him a chance, and a second chance, and he is still not treating you properly. Never date a person who thinks they are doing you a favor by being with you - you deserve better.
    "The Devil is joining in, and that's never a good sign." Phil Liggett

  12. #12

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    Get away as fast as possible from this guy-he's a serial cheater. Yes it hurts now, but it will only get worse over time-what if you married him, had children together, and then found out about his cheating? Trust me, I know from experience, the cheater does not change. Yes, there are exceptions, but your boyfriend does not seem likely to do so anytime in the next couple of decades.

  13. #13

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    Pavla, your story could be mine. Practically word for word, right down to the searching the answer from others. You want validation in your choice because you're hurt and confused.

    My advice is in line with others - walk away and never look back, now.

    He's proven his pattern, has a good thing but continues to look elsewhere. The only way the pattern will change is for you to change it. Not him. I am not a believer that online flirting is harmless, in fact I think it's more harmful than real life flirting but that's a whole other soapbox I can jump on.

    His interests lay is self satisfaction first, this doesn't change.

    Mostly you have to ask yourself "can I live like this for the rest of my life?" You have to assume that when you're dating, or re-kindling in this case, both parties are on their best behaviour, that this is as good as actions get. Will you be happy feeling the way you feel. When you answer that question honestly, you have YOUR answer, not everyone else's opinion.

    It's been a year since I walked away. It hasn't been easy, but definitely worth it. I no longer worry about what is going on that I don't know about, nor am I constantly on guard and on the lookout. Peace of mind and self respect are not worth losing for anyone.
    I'm honest, just not always in a nice way

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aussie Willy View Post
    Most guys don't realise how good things were until they are gone. I broke off with someone because it was a dysfunctional relationship, much of which was due to his lack of emotional connection. After that he kept doing the whole "I miss you" and all that other stuff but it was too late. You sometimes have to be strong, stand your ground and not let yourself be treated like that.
    To be fair, sometimes people really do turn things around if given another chance, and given some serious boundaries. My sister went through a period like this, but they had just started dating and he was just wishy washy and didn't know what he wanted. They had a serious sit-down discussion, she gave him another chance, and he's proven to be a stand-up guy.

    But Pavla2304's guy doesn't like sound like that. He doesn't sound like he's sorry, especially if he continues to look for emotional (and maybe physical) fulfillment elsewhere, and then blames HER for feeling the way he does. He's the one who cheated, so he's the one who has to repair the trust between you two. It doesn't sound he's willing to do that.

    Being in a committed relationship means committing to love your partner no matter what. Even if you think you've fallen out of love with the person, "love" is an action that you can show. Nobody's head over heels in love with their partner all the time, so that commitment has to mean something. That what you've built together matters to you.

    But maybe in his mind, since you're not married, he doesn't have an obligation to do that and can treat you how he likes, because you're not really committed. Frankly, if someone doesn't show an ability to do that during a relationship, it doesn't bode well for a marriage either, so count your lucky stars you're not legally bound to him and can leave him whenever you want.

    5 years is a long time, but ask yourself, do you want to be on this emotional roller coaster for another 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? The rest of your life? How much more time will you waste on him because you were afraid of "wasting" 5 years?

  15. #15
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    If you're looking for "validation" from us, and it doesn't look like anyone is going to, I will give you this: Give yourself a deadline, say 30 days, and don't tell him about the deadline. See how he treats you, see if he still "sees" only your faults, and after the 30 days, YOU decide if you want to continue the relationship. If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.

  16. #16
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    I will echo everyone else's sentimements -- leave him. You have needs that he cannot/will not ever/does not wish to meet. That's not a bad thing to have those needs from a relationship. Own that.

    It sounds like he likes the beginning of things and doesn't like relationships when they get more meaningful and challenging. That is something that he will need to work on, and it's not your responsibility to teach him.

    A bad relationship can be difficult to get over, but it will pass eventually. You sound clear about what you want, and that is a huge first step.

  17. #17

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cupid View Post
    If you're looking for "validation" from us, and it doesn't look like anyone is going to, I will give you this: Give yourself a deadline, say 30 days, and don't tell him about the deadline. See how he treats you, see if he still "sees" only your faults, and after the 30 days, YOU decide if you want to continue the relationship. If there is any doubt, END it. That way, you are in control for the next 30 days, unless he really screws up and ends it before then, which I hope doesn't happen.
    Word!!
    Nubka - Unpaid Slave Laborer...

  18. #18
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    You have gotten excellent advice here. He will not change and you cannot fix him. Whatever you had, is probably gone. Really look back on those 5 years and ask yourself if there was ever the level of respect you deserve. Are you sure he didn't cheat on you before the time you caught him?

    You deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect. Don't settle. I know it's hard to start over, and you wonder if you'll ever feel, again, the way you did for him. I promise you, you will. Only it will be better!

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    You deserve to be treated with love, compassion, and respect. Don't settle. I know it's hard to start over, and you wonder if you'll ever feel, again, the way you did for him. I promise you, you will. Only it will be better!
    Good advice...

    It wont be easy though!


    Breaking away from a relationship wont be easy. It'Il hurt for a long, long while. Months, years (others never recover), five years invested in a relationship is a long time afterall. When the pain becomes unbearable you'll blame yourself believe me I know, if only you coulda stayed and worked it out, oh he wasn't that bad you tell yourself, I just can't go on without him, your house and things around you, the songs, everything will remind you of him. But sometimes you just know when it's over and it's time to walk away.

    Anyways, I cried real hard over mine but somehow realized it wasn't him I was crying over at all really. Sometimes it's just suck not be loved and wanted. You just need to rediscover yourself and the right person worthy of your love would come along. Remember that you can only experience joy to the extent that you experience sorrow. You'll be singing "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" for a while but will move on to singing "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger"..... ((()))) from me..

  20. #20
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    I am going to suggest something different from the other posters. Not that I disagree with what they are saying, but Pavla2304, it sounds like he means a great deal to you in spite of his flaws. So here's my suggestion...

    Figure out your best way to communicate to him all of your wants and needs. At the same time, ask him to do the same with you. This way, you will both have a much clearer picture of what you want your relationship to be...and if you are a match.

    One of my previous co-workers, who I liked very much, was dating a guy for a year until she brought up the issue of children in a serious conversation. He basically said that he couldn't see himself having kids. My co-worker definitely wanted to have children. So the relationship was about to end. In my head, I was thinking, "why did you take a year to bring up something so important to you"? The reason is because we have a connection to this person and we don't want to lose that. So somehow we bury various needs so as to not lose what we've got. But when we do this, we are not only wasting our time, but that of the other person as well. Pavla2304, if you care about him deeply, maybe you are wasting his time because he wants "to have his cake and eat it to"? Maybe the most loving thing you could do for him is to let him go?

    As for clarification what both of you want out of a relationship, I read about an interesting exercise a while back. It suggested that each of you write a list of anything and everything you want from the other person. (This exercise could be used in any type of relationship.) You then give the other person you list. With this list, you separate each item into one of three categories:

    1. Yes, I can give this to you, no problem, it will be a joy for me to do so!
    2. Maybe. Not sure if I can provide this, but I will think about it and try.
    3. NO WAY. Never! I am not going to be able to give this to you, will not try and will not even consider it.

    Now you both have a clear idea about what each of you wants, and what each of you wants to give in return. And are there things in the second and third category that you can get from friends and family instead of your partner? Is it okay with your partner to get those needs met from other people?

    I think the key issue is communication. Saying what you want and having the other person communicate back to you that they can give you what you want. Are your wants and needs similar enough to have a successful relationship? Or are there too many things you both want which the other person can't or won't provide?

    Good luck to you, Pavla2304! Keep in mind that if he ends up not being the one for you, he will have played a role in you moving towards finding someone who *is* suitable for you.
    It's official. I am madly in love with Meryl Davis.

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