If you loved one of your children more than another…..

[snoopy]

This may be interpreted as "she loved you more" after I die, no matter how much explaining I do as part of the will. Other than including a letter that accompanies the will, any other ideas on making my distributions easier to swallow from those who will receive less than others?

I have this issue as I have nieces and nephews with three different brothers – and one brother is significantly less wealthy than the others. I put some thought into how I should set up my will and decided that:

1) The fair thing is to allocate it evenly among all the nieces/nephews.
2) I am not going to do the fair thing.

Those who need the money the most are going to get it all. I know one of my brothers, in particular, will be mad. But I will be dead so I figure I really don’t have to concern myself with it.

[Wyliefan]

I have a belief that all the fat Chinese babies you see are boys.

My oldest goddaughter disproved that theory.

[BigB08822]

I have this issue as I have nieces and nephews with three different brothers – and one brother is significantly less wealthy than the others. I put some thought into how I should set up my will and decided that:

1) The fair thing is to allocate it evenly among all the nieces/nephews.
2) I am not going to do the fair thing.

Those who need the money the most are going to get it all. I know one of my brothers, in particular, will be mad. But I will be dead so I figure I really don’t have to concern myself with it.

I think that is nice. I would make sure to leave something to all of them but the one who needs more should get it. That may be the only way this child can go to college without being in major debt. Or depending how old they are when you pass away, it may help them buy a house or pay off the debt they did get in to while in college. I think you did the right thing.

[BigB08822]

When I was growing up I was always closest to my mother. I wouldn't say I was a mommy's boy because I have always been too independent and closed off for that but I was closest to her, easily. My father was great but we were just total opposites. He liked to work outdoors as a hobby and I would only do yard work if I needed the money, and even then I would prefer to dig out change from the couch. We just had nothing in common. However, as an adult I am very close to my father and my mother and I don't speak very much. There is no bad blood between us but we just don't share anything. I am not out to my mom but I am to my dad and stepmom and they love my bf as if he is one of their own. I don't know where things changed but they did.

[galaxygirl]

I have a belief that all the fat Chinese babies you see are boys.

This explains my friends. They're Chinese (raised in China and have only been here 5 or 6 years). They're both very thin and small but their little boy weighed 28 pounds when he was a month old. They sent him off to China to be with grandma and his aunts for a few months. I shudder to think how chubby he's going to be when he gets back.

[Smiley0884]

I have this issue as I have nieces and nephews with three different brothers – and one brother is significantly less wealthy than the others. I put some thought into how I should set up my will and decided that:

1) The fair thing is to allocate it evenly among all the nieces/nephews.
2) I am not going to do the fair thing.

Those who need the money the most are going to get it all. I know one of my brothers, in particular, will be mad. But I will be dead so I figure I really don’t have to concern myself with it.

I would do the same in your position. Maybe you and KCC should think about leaving sentimental items or belongings to relatives who are more "well off" and leave notes that you want them to have something to remember you by.

[numbers123]

My mother definitely has a favored child and in turn grandchildren of that child. It is well known in our family - all my kids and other nieces/nephews know it.
If asked my mother would deny it, saying she treats everyone equally - everyone gets XX dollars for birthday, everyone's spouse gets XX dollars (slightly less than children), everyone's children get XX for birthdays and Christmas, etc. What she fails to see is the extra hugs/extra things that she does for the favored child.

I've told my kids that I will never do that. That I love them equally. Sometimes one of them has required more of my time or energy, but that has happened to each of them at sometime in their life. When asked about certain things, I point out the things/actions that I have done for them. Each of them has had their troubles, each of them have needed something different from me. I am always aware of saying how much I love them but may not like their actions at this time in their life.

[genegri]

But isn't it often obvious?

It often is. But I think even an attempt on the parent's part to hide may be better perceived by the child than not hiding at all.

As the family mentioned in my previous post, the father did not attempt to hide his blatant favoritism but the mother tried hard to fight her own feelings and even over correct at times.

To both outsiders (my family) and the girls themselves, the mother's intention was well perceived.

I have a belief that all the fat Chinese babies you see are boys.

It's not true anymore. For better or worse.

This explains my friends. They're Chinese (raised in China and have only been here 5 or 6 years). They're both very thin and small but their little boy weighed 28 pounds when he was a month old. They sent him off to China to be with grandma and his aunts for a few months. I shudder to think how chubby he's going to be when he gets back.

The young couple raised in China likely grew up in a time when China's living standard and food resource was much lower and that would partly explain their physiques.

In today's China at least in cities baby girls are very loved and treasured by their parents. However they may still have to deal with boy-favoring grandparents, especially paternal grandparents. And there are issues faced by women today that didn't exist 20 years ago. Two steps forward, one step backward. What can I say? Old habit die hard.

[Japanfan]

I put some thought into how I should set up my will and decided that:

1) The fair thing is to allocate it evenly among all the nieces/nephews.
2) I am not going to do the fair thing.

Those who need the money the most are going to get it all. I know one of my brothers, in particular, will be mad. But I will be dead so I figure I really don’t have to concern myself with it.

There may be considerable backlash to that, families can get really greedy and ugly around wills.

Also, in defense of an even allocation, people's financial circumstances can change considerably over the life course due to unemployment, injury, divorce and what not.

My father divided his will evenly among all three of us. I earn much less than my brother and sister, but my brother and sister have kids, while i don't - so I thought it was fair. Even then, my sister got a bit wacky and a lot of resentments surfaced. I was just lucky that my brother not my sister was the executor as my sister would have done her best to get more for herself (i.e. the executor can charge a fee of several thousand dollars)

[Anita18]

This explains my friends. They're Chinese (raised in China and have only been here 5 or 6 years). They're both very thin and small but their little boy weighed 28 pounds when he was a month old. They sent him off to China to be with grandma and his aunts for a few months. I shudder to think how chubby he's going to be when he gets back.

My cousin was THE fattest baby ever. There's a pic of him at his first birthday he'd like to forget. Fattest baby. But he's a stick now, so it didn't stay on him.

And IME all the relatives try to stuff you when you visit, male or female.

[KCC]

1) The fair thing is to allocate it evenly among all the nieces/nephews.
2) I am not going to do the fair thing.

Those who need the money the most are going to get it all. I know one of my brothers, in particular, will be mad. But I will be dead so I figure I really don’t have to concern myself with it.

Actually, I'm not even dividing based on need or income, because my family members' spending habits do not necessarily follow their needs. It seems like the more some people have, the more "stuff" they buy (such as a third or fourth motorcycle) and debt they take on.

We have some in our family who really work hard to take care of individuals in crisis, host family reunions (paying for everything for everyone), shell out cash when someone comes up short, take nieces & nephews shopping and out for meals, etc. They have done without many nice things for themselves in order to spend on others. I just want to let them know that I noticed their efforts.

I've also included friends in my will -- not just family -- and some friends are even at a higher level than some family members. That will be sure to tick some folks off, but I feel strongly about keeping my closest friends in there. Oh yes, and then there is a chunk for charity. Good thing I'll be dead, because I have a feeling that this will create some controversy, even with the proposed letter of explanation.

[pat c]

Then it won't matter KCC. Distribute things as you see fit.

Some families will fight among themselves over a will for no logical reason. It can be a no winner. I've seen cases where remaining family members will bend over backwards to make things fair. It didn't matter.

[leesaleesa]

My SO believes the truth is paramount so he would be honest and say he loves X child more or the most.

Beware the "Truth is paramount" mongers. In my experience, they use truths that are hurtful and not even solicited to advance their "I'm always right" agenda.

I wager if you were to use his tactics about truth to point out some ugly traits he possesses, you would be shut down immediately.

Why even question this? It's wrong. The truth is often better left unsaid in many cases.