We live in an ageist society where everything is based on youth, but I hated being 18. I don't like teenagers any more now than I did then. I'm 49 now and there is no way that I'd go back to my teens and 20s - even if I knew what I know now, I don't want to go through all that again. I found it a very difficult time. - Buzz Osborne of the Melvins
Before high school, I thought boys were totally gross. I was much more into horses and my bike - never, ever thought about my someday dream wedding...
Nubka - Unpaid Slave Laborer...
I know I sound totally unromantic, but I have three friends who don't wear their expensive engagement rings because they don't like them and they are uncomfortable. It just seems like such a shame!
A good rant is cathartic. Ranting is what keeps me sane. They always come from a different place. Take the prime minister, for example. Sometimes when I rant about him, I am angry; other times, I am just severely annoyed - it's an important distinction. - Rick Mercer
I don't have anything to say on the ring itself (in my culture engangement rings are not big; if you use one they are usually wedding-band style and will be moved from one hand to another after the wedding, turning into the wedding band). However, being married for quite a few years, leaving hints like that will NOT WORK ON MOST MEN. It just... doesn't.
If you want something a certain way - tell it up front.
good luck with your decision.
And frankly, if a friend or relative's VERY FIRST reaction upon getting the news that I was engaged was to sneer at my ring, I'd tell them exactly where to shove it.
And yeah, getting insulted to your face about your ring...see my reply above.
And yeah, married women get hit on all the time. Some guys just don't care.
I asked Mr. Japanfan about this issue and thought his answer was insightful: "The ring isn't the issue, the issue is the fact that the ring is an issue".
To me it looks like there is a lack of honest and open communication between Woodstock and her fiance, staring with expecting him to get hints (which as others have said, men often don't). And that could be a problem in future. When you (Woodstock) said you wanted to beat the salesperson who sold the the ring and then said that finally getting approval from one person was "all you wanted", it was troubling in that the emotions seemed to extend far beyond the issue of the ring being not what you wanted.
Also, too much reliance on the approval of others could be a problem. Your family is being quite insensitive, and could continue to be so about him and things he does in future. Be assured he will do things that hurt and anger you when you are married. How will you handle that and what will you expect from family and friends? If they disapprove of him but no one tells him, won't it be a repeat of this situation?
Both of you have valid feelings, although - as this thread has shown - people can judge you both as behaving inappropriately. But people have the feelings they have, for whatever reasons. Again, the primary issue is the lack of honest communication. If he has to spend four figures on repairing the ring and really can't afford it, is that the best solution? Might it make him angry, in which case you both start the marriage with a major resentment already in your gunny sack?
I hope you can work this through. It looks to be a relationship test of sorts and those always happen sooner or later. In my experience of being married for 18 years those tests have taught me the importance of acceptance, compromise and negotiation. Also to adjust my expectations of my husband and on occasion, to take a hard look at my own emotional baggage. Most of the time you can't change your partner, although many of us give it our best shot anyway.
And like others have said, romantic notions are often myths. Spouses will disappoint and anger each other, it's unavoidable. No one person can fulfill our your needs perfectly and marriage is not a fantasy.
To give my own example, Mr. Japanfan forgot my birthday several years in a row and I was incredibly hurt by it. That's just how he is - he forgets people's birthdays and would probably forget him own if I didn't tell him.
A good friend told me that I should let it go, tell him when my birthday was and make plans. Finally, I realized that he was right. I was able to identify feelings beyond his actually forgetting and came to terms with it. It actually became amusing once I let the old emotions go. Then, he surprised me by remembering his this past year.
She was clearly surprised, and caught off guard by both ring and proposal.
Was she really supposed to have the presence of mind to say "Yes, I will marry you; but I won't wear that ring"?
Cause' that just doesn't seem realistic to me.
And I don't get the impression that other people's opinions are having undue influence here. It seems to me that Woodstock originally thought that that the ring was ugly; but, for whatever reason, she didn't have the confidence to object to it until other people weighed in with a similar reaction.
Lacking a photo, she is offering up other people's reactions as proof that the ring is, in fact, awful - validation, as it were
Yes, a perfect person would always trust their own reactions, and never need to have their thoughts and feeling validated. I, myself, have yet to meet such a person
I was married for many years before I got my diamonds. My husband decided to surprise me with a stone that I wasn't crazy about. We talked about it, and had the jeweler swap the stone that I didn't care for.
I handled it as tactfully as I could - but I sure as hell wasn't going to wear 9k ring that wasn't to my liking. Sure, his feeling were hurt at first. But he got over that in about at hour, and now I pick out my own jewelry.
Actually, he gets a big kick out of telling the story - always gets a chuckle out of other old married couples
I agree that hitting dude up with other people's reactions was a tactical error. He is clearly feeling very defensive at this point. Not sure what to do about this. Is it possible that his mother could be of some assistance here? A sister?
I've worked in Jewelry. No, it isn't likely that this ring can be returned, especially if it has been worn.
BTW: Woodstock's situation, or mine for that matter, are not that unusual. You wouldn't believe some of the shit that goes down in jewelry stores, even high-end stores.
My 10 cents: No one should have to wear a ring that they dislike every day. This isn't a Christmas gift, it is something that W is supposed to wear every day for the rest of her life. No one should be told to "just be grateful" in such a circumstance. An engagement is more than a man marking his territory. The ring should reflect more than *his* personal statement!
TygerTyger - woodstock clearly doesn't find the ring ugly, she posted previously that she would have loved to have received it for her birthday, but she doesn't see it as a suitable engagement ring (see post 102, where she comments on how she thinks it only cost $300 and it looks like fashion jewellery).
And I can't imagine loving a ring as much as I love a person.
I bet Woodstock is sorry she asked for our "advice" . There have been some very strong opinions here. Many questioning whether or not either are ready for marriage. Yes, men can be oblivious to "clues" and are not always good at picking up on their girlfriend's, wives taste. My husband has bought me jewelry, in the past. He likes more chunky things. I like more delicate things. I have returned some of his choices. Now, I go out and pre-shop a few choices. I give him a business card and the item # of the choices and let him pick one. This way, he does get some input and I get something I really want.
I can understand that Woodstock wants a more traditional engagement ring. And as I said before, she has to wear it, she should love it and she should be comfortable wearing it (it should not hurt her finger). I, really, don't think this is such a big deal. He did something sweet, by trying to find something with butterflies. Unfortunately, he missed the mark by buying the first one he found. I don't think that Woodstock should care about what others think, but I do think that fiancee should care that Woodstock hoped for a traditional ring and she is not happy with the one he picked. There is not right or wrong here, just a difference in taste. It happens. It doesn't mean they are not both wonderful people and wonderful for each other. I also think that the fiancee would want her to wear and enjoy whatever ring he got her. I don't think he would stubbornly make her keep a ring she won't wear or enjoy. What would be the point of that? I also don't think that Woodstock should feel that her excitedly showing off her traditional engagement sign moment is gone. The most important thing is that she's met someone she loves and who loves her back, and that she should be happy with her ring.
TygerTyger is right, they may not take it back if it's been worn. However they might, especially if they chose a ring that is a little more expensive. Most jewelry stores understand that a gift purchase is more likely to be returned, and are more flexible. As long as it is returned within a reasonable time frame.
I agree that most men don't get hints--if I want my husband to buy me jewelry, I tell him and provide some options. If I really want one particular piece, I just email him a link. Not as romantic, but it works.
Wyliefan, I agree that you should not love a piece of jewelry as much as your spouse. However, the engagement ring is a symbol. It symbolizes your commitment. And, though you should not love it as much as your fiancee, it should make you feel special. Woodstock's fiancee's heart was in the right place, he just picked the wrong ring. I'm sure he wants Woodstock to look at that ring every day and smile, not frown.
For some people, the ring symbolizes commitment; it's a romantic thing. For others, it's an overt display of wealth or class; for still others, it's all about ownership and possession and marking your mate. Sometimes it's a symbol of making your fiancee part of your family. And so on.
I no longer wear my rings and haven't for a long time. People who take an interest in such things as other people's rings read all kinds of significance into this. But the reason I no longer wear my rings is that I developed an allergy to gold several years ago and wearing the rings gives me hives. When it came down to it, the rings were just rings.
C'est la vie. But I hope woodstock realizes that when people make pronouncements about what this all means about her, her fiance and everything else, they are really telling her what an engagement ring means to them. I hope she isn't taking things said here too much to heart, because woodstock, most of this really isn't about you, even if it seems that way.
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."-- Albert Einstein.
The owner of my company gave one of the girls I work with some very good advice on helping her husband with a jewelry purchase. She said that she told her husband that she wanted a silver chain necklace for her birthday, but he seemed to be dragging his feet on going out and getting something. The owner said that there's too much to consider when buying jewelry and he's learned over the years that it's best to take his wife shopping and see the type of things that she likes. He later goes back and buys one of the things she liked. Smart man, but I suspect he learned his lesson when he was younger. I also believe he's much more in tune to his wife's feelings than some men are to their wives, so there's that, too.
I've never been one to care about engagement rings and other such bling. I'm hard on jewelry and usually wind up breaking or losing it. However, I am not everyone else and I think Woodstock should do whatever will make her happy. Just be honest and upfront. That's the best you can do.
What's most important though is that woodstock is honest with her fiance about her feelings, and it seems like she has. Everything else can be dealt with as it comes.
Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
Old, lonely, pathos-hungry, and extremely gullible
Woodstock - if you want to take a break from all this and get a few laughs, here's a story about an engagement ring that was stuck in a toilet for decades.
Keeper of Nathalie Pechelat's bitchface.