Wow. I guess I did ask opinions. You know what happened today? One of the nurses at work came by to congratulate me (word spreads fast) and complimented my ring. And she was genuine BOTH in words and facial/body expression. And you know how I felt? Happy Happy Happy! It's all I wanted.
I think that's really the basis of it. Is the ring me? Not really, he did a major miss. Would I have come to terms with not having a pretty sparkly? Maybe eventually. Can I do so now that people (and especially family) have crapped all over it and its the major reason for reactions to my special moment being tarnished forever? I'm not sure.
I like to think I am not spoiled and shallow. I cleaned kennels to pay my way through college (working full time and school at night at the ripe old age of 19) and lived lacking many modern amenities as a peace corps volunteer. I don't need a million dollar bling ring. In fact, one of the rings I bookmarked for him to find was a bridal set totalling $900 (wedding band included!). And I don't want a big fancy wedding, I in fact mentioned doing a small city hall thing with a nice lunch with close family and friends after (which HE rejected, and this will be his 2nd marriage and my first!).
BUT, I want a ring that when I walk in people will see it and know that I am taken. THat I am engaged to a most wonderful man and all you other men don't even dare try to ask me out because someone loves me and the proof is right there on my finger for all to recognize and see.
I sat for an hour with my family before anybody even noticed this ring. I had to explain what the ring was to just about everybody because absolutely NOBODY has recognized it for what it is meant to represent.
And to top it all off, I'm getting insulted for this ring. To my face.
My fiance is a high school teacher. He has the means to afford a 1/2 carat solitare. In fact, it was what I had expected as he HATES shopping. I envisioned him running in the store and picking out the first one he saw that fit the classical term "engagement ring". Had I known he was going to go store to store in search of a butterfly ring (and he told me he bought the first one he found- so he was just thinking "butterfly" and no more specific than that). I would have handed him the printout of the previously linked item to make his life easier and to make sure it was what I would like. (and no, it is not lost on me that he hates shopping and spent hours shopping for this ring. I love him that he did such a thing. But loving him and his intention does not mean I should be forced to love the item it produced)
I was looking forward to shopping together for bands to fit a solitare (which I could make MY style). Now we will go to the jeweler Thursday and he will find out that his diamond chip and mother of pearl ring will probably cost him well into four figures to mold and specialty design a wedding band to fit it. And then it will not even aesthetically look like a butterfly anymore as it will be altered by the wedding band surrounding it. All for what is probably a $300 fashion butterfly ring.
As for whiny crying me. I've done most of my crying in private. And really kept my personal opinion low key to not trash his feelings too badly (and honestly, it is a lovely ring. And I would have loved to have gotten this ring...for my birthday). But I did let him know how sad others peoples reactions were making me (which he still has yet to experience). And it makes me sad to think that this happy moment to run around showing my ring and excitement and get "oohs and ahhs" is gone...and won't ever be gotten back. (and even if I get a ring I like better, this moment is still forever gone). And when I explained that to him today it finally set me overboard in front of him. And the minute he saw a tear, I think he FINALLY realized the depth of hurt that I was feeling from people reactions. (because up until then he just kept telling me that other peoples opinions don't matter and to just ignore them). And he said we'll go to the jeweler Thursday and entertain the idea of returning it.
Anyhow, it sounds like you've found a solution. I would say in the future, if you are a bit more upfront with your wants/needs, it would go a long way to circumventing such disappointments in the future. I know some people prefer to hint rather than speak frankly, but it sure can save a lot of angst down the road.
You know the ol' saying--ask and ye shall receive
I think if receiving a very specific gift is *that* important to someone, they should just say they want X. It just saves a lot of time and emotional energy.
What some do (and I don't know if this applies to woodstock or not--just speaking generally here) is drop hints left and right, but never come right out and say it. They think part of the specialness of the gift comes from having the other person correctly figure it out. When that doesn't happen, it's not just a missed gift, it becomes a sign the other person wasn't truly thoughtful or caring enough, etc. The gift becomes a referendum on the relationship as a whole, and that puts enormous pressure on the one giving a gift. The more direct thing would be to say what one's emotional needs are and how they could best be met, and then let the other person do that. That allows the person giving the gift to also say what their needs are, so everyone is then on the same page.
Anyhow, none of the above may apply to this particular situation. I've just found being open and direct about one's needs and wants tends to save a lot of drama down the road
Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
When I got engaged, I didn't get a ring. We were saving for a house. My parents were divorced and my Mom felt bad that I didn't have a ring, so she gave me her diamond, from her engagement ring. We had it set, very simply and that was my ring. Our wedding bands were plain, thin, gold bands, nothing extravagant, by a long shot. I didn't care that I was not given a ring. I would have cared if my husband got me something I really disliked and didn't want to compromise.
I will say that the whole gift giving part of a relationship is often full of potholes to trip you up. Everyone has expectations around gifts and what is and isn't appropriate and what is and isn't romantic. And a lot of times these are unstated and the two people haven't got the same ideas. The worst is when people's ideas include that the other person should just *know* because to be told isn't romantic.
I know Mr. Mac always gave great Christmas and Birthday gifts. He actually does notice I need things and often gives me something I love but didn't even know I wanted. Or wanted but didn't ask for because I didn't think of it. (Like my makeup mirror is dying and I keep thinking I should get a new one but as soon as I leave the bathroom, I forget about. Guess what I got for Christmas?!). But he sucked at Valentines Day and Mothers Day.
We talked about this and for VD, it turned out he just didn't know what to do so got these traditional gifts like chocolates in a heart-shaped box (but cheap ones that didn't taste good because the good chocolates didn't come in heart-shaped boxes) or mugs with teddy bears on them. I hate that stuff. So I told him "pretend it's my birthday only spend less money" and ever since then he's done fine.
For Mother's Day, we actually had a fight before we got that one resolved. It turned out he was uncomfortable buying me something because "you're not my mother". IOW, he was feeling kind of Oedipal buying Mother's Day presents for his wife. I replied "No, I'm not your mother, but I am your children's Mother and they are too young to do it themselves." And then he saw things in a different way and everything was fine.
You'll work this stuff out... but it does take really talking about things. And listening.
Delete. Wrong Thread.
The way I see it, Woodstock and her fiance have at least 2 problems.
Problem #1: She cares too much what other people think. Granted, she doesn't like the ring either but she should have stood up for it if only because the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with bought it for her.
Problem #2: Her fiance is too invested in the fantasy of his selecting the perfect ring for her ON HIS OWN.
Let's start with Problem #1. I would be curious as to what Woodstock's family and friends think of her fiance. Do they have a pattern of putting him down. If so, this could account for their dissing her engagement ring. Woodstock will need to get better at putting them in their place if she plans on marrying this man.
Moving onto Problem #2. Several questions occur to me: Is Woodstock's fiance more in love with his fantasy version of their relationship than he is in love with her? Does he take constructive criticism well or is he normally defensive? Do her family and friends like her fiance? Do they think he is the right man for her? Etc.
I think fiancee needs to pay more attention.
My daughter's boyfriend gave her a beautiful David Yurman bangle bracelet with pave diamonds on the caps, for Christmas. Apparently, 2 years ago, she complimented a friend on the same bracelet, said she really loved it. He remembered and got it for her. That is romantic, that he paid attention and remembered how much she loved the bracelet and saved for it. I am even more impressed with him remembering the "perfect" bracelet than the bracelet itself. Needless to say she loves it and loves that he remembered.
Having known Woodstock for years, I have to say that she is the most wonderful, caring, and thoughtful person. As we all have, she has waited for many years and kissed many frogs before meeting a man who brings her joy and with whom, she has decided to share her life. I am truly saddened by all the assumptions that have been made and the disrespectful and unflattering (directed toward the people who have voiced the opinions) comments that have been made.
Woodstock, I am truly excited to share in your joy and wish you all the best in your future married life. I'm very sorry that the ring was not what you expected -- all girls dream of this moment and I feel badly that your joy has been somewhat tarnished by the fact that the ring may not be what you would have chosen and that the response you have received from those you love may not have been what you wanted. If the ring is hurting your finger and it's not functional for work, I would suggest that you talk more with your fiance and hopefully he will come to understand that you need to have a ring that you will be able to wear everyday. I don't think that's unreasonable and he should in time come to appreciate your concerns.
Last edited by Bailey_; 12-28-2011 at 02:14 AM.
Congratulations on your engagement! As for the ring, don't sweat the small stuff. It seems like such an important thing right now, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having ideas about how you want your life to go though as long as you are flexible about it when it does happen and don't go all rigid when things don't go as you dreamed when you were 8.
Delete. Wrong Thread.