I got engaged! Unfortunately....

[KCC]

I'm another one who only wears her engagement ring for special occasions. It is a traditional ring, but it catches on everything, is hard to wear with gloves, and feels bulky when I wear it with my wide-banded wedding ring. I like the look of it, but not the feel. My husband asks me periodically if I want a bigger diamond -- he sometimes thinks that I don't wear the ring because the stone is not big enough -- but I assure him that 1) I love what he got me, 2) a bigger stone would only catch on more things and be more uncomfortable and 3) I would not wear a bigger stone any more often than the current one. I love our wedding bands and am happy to not wear the diamond except for dressing up. It has been like this since we said "I do".

[Veronika]

In my experience, other people have a lot to say when it comes to engagement rings. It really matter what the couple is comfortable--but it's obvious that Woodstock is not happy with the ring, and that needs to be fixed.

I got engaged with a simple (yellow) gold band, which looked a lot like a wedding band. It was a promise ring of sorts--I got it at the beginning of April and we got the "real" ring in June that year. We picked out the "real" ring together--I wanted something non-traditional, so we decided on an aquamarine center stone. My ring is lovely, and I've gotten many compliments on it--it's oval and about 1.5 carats with diamond side stones (probably .25 carats of diamonds.) It's very big when you compare it to a diamond ring...but the stone has a tiny chip in it, so I don't wear it every day. I have a diamond wedding band that I wear every day.

My sister is the one that suggested I could go with a non-diamond center stone on my engagement ring...but she seems to have forgotten this. She keeps saying that I can inherit my mom's diamond when she passes away...never mind that my mom's diamond is a marquise cut and I don't really like those. My sister makes the fact that I don't have a diamond some sort of deal, and I don't really get why.

My advice to Woodstock--fight for what you want, up to a point. The ring should not be a deal-breaker.

[nubka]

Once again- I must reiterate- If this is such a big issue for you that you are crying for days- you should not be getting married.

You and the man you love have made a decision that you love each other enough to commit for the rest of your life. What the Fcuk does a silly ring have to do with that!

My wedding date was set for a year from when my husband and I decided to get married. My roommate said "You are not really engaged", because I didn't have a ring. We were students, and had better uses for our money than jewelry. We bought plain gold bands, and had a weekend at a nearby town for a honeymoon. SHE wouldn't marry her boyfriend until she could have a proper ring and honeymoon. She is divorced twice, and as I said- 30 years later, I still don't have a fancy ring.

Stop thinking about this piece of jewelry (and other peoples reaction to it), and think about the man you want to make your life with.

ITA!

[WindSpirit]

He wanted to buy me a butterfly engagement ring. He obviously didn't search the internet as I found this within five minutes yesterday. http://www.callacut.com/viewitem.asp...9999&curPage=2 If it fits well, then it is PERFECT for me. I think it looks plenty bridal enough for my taste, it has the butterfly for what he wants me to have.

Very nice-looking ring and it does look like an engagement ring.

I told him I found a really nice ring. He refuses to even look at it. He says its only romantic if he chooses my ring. I was really close to telling him how unromantic it is that I've been in tears several times now over the romantic ring he chose for me. I love my fiance. I love that he truly doesn't give a crap at what people think or say- I wish I could be as self confident as that.

He may not care what they think, but he should care what you think. You love him, you appreciate the fact that he tried to find something special, but for many reasons, you are unhappy with that ring. And I'm sure it's not what he tried to accomplish here.

You guys need to meet halfway. You have your own traditional ideas about engagement rings and he has his. You want a traditional-looking ring, he wants to give it to you in a traditional way. How about you talk to a good friend of his, maybe someone from his family if they're close, who could help connect your ideas? If they talked to him and showed him that other ring (that you had seen and approved), better yet a few to choose from so he'd make the choice in the end, maybe that would be easier for him to swallow?

As a person who's very particular about my jewelry, I like to choose my own. I'm not comfortable wearing something I don't like. I don't care if it's expensive (I'm not crazy about diamonds either, I just don't get the appeal), I just have to like it. I would definitely want to like my engagement ring and would like to have at least some say into choosing it. I would be unhappy if I didn't like it. So I don't think you're crazy or unreasonable. Yes, it's just a ring, but it's a symbol, too. And it should make you feel happy.

BTW, all those people making those negative comments are out of line. They should be supportive of you and your fiance, not trying to put you down or make fun of you. OK, so he didn't buy you exactly what you wanted, but he tried. Men are generally clueless when it comes to stuff like that (those bookmarked pages that you left for him, babes, that never works! ), so it is sweet that he tried to make it special. Hopefully he can be guided into making a tad better choice that would make you and him happy. After all, it's about making each other happy. Right now, you're not happy. Whatever his ideas about rigs are, he should try to make you happy. And you should try not to hurt his feelings, so thread carefully. Congratulations, by the way. Hopefully you'll be able to chuckle about it years later and it'll make a good story for you children, if you plan any, or your family in general. Best wishes to you both.

[Southpaw]

I can't believe people are suggesting she keep this ring AND get another engagement ring. Perhaps the right solution is that she keep this ring, but that she buy the ring that she will wear all the time and show to her family for approval. I definitely don't see why he should have to buy two rings.

I said she should keep this one for special occassions and get a different everyday ring because by the way she described it sounds like those butterfly wings stand a good chance of getting caught on something one day and snapping off. If that were to happen it would upset both of them all over again. It just doesn't sound like a ring that is built to withstand the rigors of daily life.

I think emotions need to settle down a bit before any attempt is made to resolve this and negotiate a compromise. The fiance is obviously feeling rather defensive right now, probably because his masculine pride is hurt and when a man is in that state it's no time to try to negotiate a deal with him.

[orbitz]

At this point I'm sure the fiancee is well aware that his future bride is very, very unhappy with the engagement ring. Right or wrong, I'm sure he will feel the pressure to try and rectify it and probably will.

[Anita18]

Based on what you posted here, he truly doesn't give a crap about what you think or say either. I'm sorry that you feel guilty and embarrassed and sad about your ring and it sounds like you have every right to feel that way. If you this much disconnect as a couple about the ring I'd be wary about how you will handle the conflicts that occur during married life.

Exactly. "Romantic" means different things to different people, and keeping quiet while your man just does things for you isn't part of my definition. At the same time....

I don't know how to solve your ring issue, but I think your mom's being kind of a poop imo. Right or wrong, she could be a tad bit more constructive in her criticism.

It sounds like everyone in woodstock's life is being a poop. I mean, criticizing her ring immediately upon the news that she's getting MARRIED??? I don't want to know these people!

Not to mention the fiance refusing to listen and woodstock crying over how she doesn't like her ring. Everyone's being a poop!

I think that's extremely unfair to the fiance. Men generally don't get hints, full stop. Unless he'd been told "I want a solitaire and don't like fashion style rings", he would not have understood. He, I'm sure, put a lot of thought and care into picking the ring, and in his mind, making it a surprise was romantic. His feelings are just as valid as the OP's. I'm not sure if he's been told about the family's reactions, but if he has that would have been completely crushing and devastating to him. Of course, he would react defensively.

I think the ony people truly at fault in this story are the incredibly rude, insentive family members.

There are two people in this, and dismissing his feelings is not going to help the overall situation. I think presentation is all important, and appealing to his romantic nature is quite possibly the way to move things forward. Rather than telling him what he did was unromantic and inadequate, say you appreciate his ring because of the thought that went into it. Nevertheless, you've got an unfulfilled dream of a princess style classic solitaire that is unfulfilled, and you'll always be a bit disappointed if that doesn't ever happen. Maybe suggest an anniversary / occasion where he could make that dream come true for you.
His dream was picking out a special ring for you, don't break that for him.

My bf is very very considerate to me, but he doesn't get hints. I have to tell him full-stop what I want. I think many men are like this, or at least the men in my life. Doesn't mean they're not good partners, yeesh. There's a lot more to relationships than that.

Once again- I must reiterate- If this is such a big issue for you that you are crying for days- you should not be getting married.

You and the man you love have made a decision that you love each other enough to commit for the rest of your life. What the Fcuk does a silly ring have to do with that!

My wedding date was set for a year from when my husband and I decided to get married. My roommate said "You are not really engaged", because I didn't have a ring. We were students, and had better uses for our money than jewelry. We bought plain gold bands, and had a weekend at a nearby town for a honeymoon. SHE wouldn't marry her boyfriend until she could have a proper ring and honeymoon. She is divorced twice, and as I said- 30 years later, I still don't have a fancy ring.

Stop thinking about this piece of jewelry (and other peoples reaction to it), and think about the man you want to make your life with.

THIS THIS THIS THIS!

I want to marry you rjblue.

[danceronice]

I just googled it and it said two-months' salary is a good starting point. Seems a little steep, especially if you made a good salary.

Most people would be happy with a one-carat perfect/near-perfect diamond. Not sure what that goes for these days.

If it's nearly flawless? Two months' salary would be good unless he makes a LOT of money. A perfect one-carat is going to set you back. (Not as much as a true ruby, sapphire, or heaven help you, emerald, because real stones rather than synthetics are rarer than diamonds, but a LOT.) Unless you cheat and get a bunch of little stones that add up to a carat.

Woodstock, that ring you linked to is gorgeous. Be honest with him. It's that or you're going to end up not wearing it, especially if you're working with patients who are a danger of ripping jewelry off.

[WindSpirit]

The only time I've ever heard of a couple returning an engagement ring was when my friend realized that her fiance didn't spend three months salary on her ring, since she was led to believe that is common tradition. Her fiance made a bit over $100K/year and she expected a ring in the 25-30K range. I was appalled, never heard of that 'rule'. Has anyone else heard of that rule?

I have but I think it's stupid. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with anything too expensive. I don't want to worry about getting robbed or damaging or losing it. The more expensive it would be, the less often I would wear it so what's the point? I can't imagine accepting a 25-30K ring. Maybe if I was leading a Hollywood star life then I wouldn't care, but to me that's an obscene amount of money to spend on jewelry. But then again, some people really like jewelry. It's their thing.

If I were your friend, I'd be perfectly happy with a 5K ring. BTW, did she even like the ring she got and only decided to return it because it wasn't expensive enough? What happened to them? Frankly, if I were the guy I would break off the engagement. Alas, many people, including many women, are like that. They like expensive stuff because it's a status thing. I have family like that. They've turned "Keeping up with the Joneses" into art. They like many things just because they're expensive. I couldn't give a shit which brings me problems too when some guys can't understand why their "charms" (aka material possessions) are not working and they get very frustrated. "I don't understand women!" - "You mean, you don't understand it when your luxury car doesn't impress women?"

[Really]

The cost of the ring means squat. My engagement ring was $250 because we were students and broke. We were engaged for a month before I got a ring. Big deal. Next August we will celebrate our 30th anniversary.

[Anita18]

I have but I think it's stupid. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with anything too expensive. I don't want to worry about getting robbed or damaging or losing it. The more expensive it would be, the less often I would wear it so what's the point? I can't imagine accepting a 25-30K ring. Maybe if I was leading a Hollywood star life then I wouldn't care, but to me that's an obscene amount of money to spend on jewelry. But then again, some people really like jewelry. It's their thing.

If I were your friend, I'd be perfectly happy with a 5K ring. BTW, did she even like the ring she got and only decided to return it because it wasn't expensive enough? What happened to them? Frankly, if I were the guy I would break off the engagement. Alas, many people, including many women, are like that. They like expensive stuff because it's a status thing. I have family like that. They've turned "Keeping up with the Joneses" into art. They like many things just because they're expensive. I couldn't give a shit which brings me problems too when some guys can't understand why their "charms" (aka material possessions) are not working and they get very frustrated. "I don't understand women!" - "You mean, you don't understand it when your luxury car doesn't impress women?"

Seriously. I love working with my hands and I wouldn't dare wear anything very large or expensive on my fingers. I imagine the women who want expensive rings don't do anything with their hands aside from getting their nails done.

I loooove uber-luxury brand cars myself (Lamborghinis, Ferraris), but only because they're such drool-worthy beautiful cars. Couldn't care less about the douchebags who drive them out in public.

[succubus]

I just can't fathom the friends/family saying nasty things about her ring. My girlfriend's engagement ring is a gorgeous giant blue topaz in a rectangle antique setting. She's gotten a lot of 'wow, that's different' but never any of the shittiness Woodstock appears to be getting. Secretly, I'm a little envious of that ring - I have a sweet and conventional solitaire which I wouldn't trade for the world because it's from the man I love more than anything, but I look at her ring and think 'how gorgeous and unique'.

Plus all of this is really bullshit in the grand scheme of things. It's just a ring -I'd examine my own reaction, his reaction, and my family's reaction to it to see what's going on under the surface here.

[Desperado]

I could just be imagining this, but I'd be curious to find out how woodstock's family felt about the fiance before the ring giving. It could be that the ring is a catalyst for a lot of feelings felt by everyone right now.

[jadingirl]

So what is your budget for a ring? If the ring he got contains diamond chips I assume it is 1000$ or less - it sounds like he got you the best blingingest ring he could for that money hence the reason it is large. Tell him you want to keep it but can't wear it and that you would like to choose a wedding band set that includes a small diamond ring that you can wear daily. You should be able to but a set for 1000$ easily at a chain jewelry store.

A friend of mine got a huge diamond from her man but it was not a good quality one (though I would never say that to her) it was very dirty looking not a lot of sparkle but it was at least 1 carat or more. It was obvious he wanted to buy her the biggest ring he could not the best quality and it sounds like maybe that's what your fiance did too.

[Wyliefan]

I just can't fathom the friends/family saying nasty things about her ring. My girlfriend's engagement ring is a gorgeous giant blue topaz in a rectangle antique setting.

That sounds so pretty. I think I'd like something like that. Diamonds are gorgeous, but when everyone has them in engagement rings, sometimes I think it might be fun to be a little different.

[Veronika]

That sounds so pretty. I think I'd like something like that. Diamonds are gorgeous, but when everyone has them in engagement rings, sometimes I think it might be fun to be a little different.

That, and you can get something much bigger and nicer than a diamond if you get a gemstone instead. The price difference is dramatic.

[victoriaheidi]

I could just be imagining this, but I'd be curious to find out how woodstock's family felt about the fiance before the ring giving. It could be that the ring is a catalyst for a lot of feelings felt by everyone right now.

I definitely thought about this, too.

[Angelskates]

I think this says more about you than your fiancé. He found a unique ring and you look at it and it makes you sad? What about what the ring represents to you as a couple, as in that he LOVES you enough to find something unique and special, and that he wants to spend his life with you? Any ring can be an engagement ring because an engagement is not about a piece of jewellery and the fact your focus is, bothers me. I honestly think if others loved it, you'd love it. I don't think your problem is with the ring at all, but your focus on the ring and what other people think of it, is sad - and IMHO a huge indication that you are not ready for marraige.

[michiruwater]

I'm a bit perplexed that, apparently, the fact that woodstock got a ring she a) doesn't like, at all, and from what she's said she wouldn't have really loved even if people were gaga all over it, b) has heard all sorts of really nasty shit about, c) actually physically hurts her, and d) her fiancee is apparently too stubborn to do a thing about, regardless of A-C, and that e) she is therefore severely upset about something that she's likely been waiting for for a very long time and wanted to be this big, joyous, happy occassion but is instead a pile of shit.... means that she clearly shouldn't be getting married at all. Wow. Seriously, guys?

Yeah, some of you were able to bone up when you weren't able to have the traditional engagement rings, which is great. I assume you talked about that with your fiancees and understood that from the get-go, as well. I don't get any indication that woodstock had any reason to expect anything less than something traditional, in this case, and in this society engagement rings are, as stupid as it is, considered to be quite important. Considering the verbal abuse she's getting from all these people her fiancee isn't dealing with, I can hardly blame her from crying. She's not just crying because she doesn't like the ring. She's crying because this entire situation is never what a girl wants when she's been dreaming of her engagement for probably her whole life. It's supposed to be this big, happy, joyous thing, and everyone is treating it crappily. That's awful.

[victoriaheidi]

I'm a bit perplexed that, apparently, the fact that woodstock got a ring she a) doesn't like, at all, and from what she's said she wouldn't have really loved even if people were gaga all over it, b) has heard all sorts of really nasty shit about, c) actually physically hurts her, and d) her fiancee is apparently too stubborn to do a thing about, regardless of A-C, and that e) she is therefore severely upset about something that she's likely been waiting for for a very long time and wanted to be this big, joyous, happy occassion but is instead a pile of shit.... means that she clearly shouldn't be getting married at all. Wow. Seriously, guys?

Yeah, some of you were able to bone up when you weren't able to have the traditional engagement rings, or whatever. I assume you talked about that with your fiancees and understood that from the get-go, as well. I don't get any indication that woodstock had any reason to expect anything less than something traditional, in this case, and in this society engagement rings are, as stupid as it is, considered to be quite important. And considering the verbal abuse she's getting from all these people her fiancee isn't dealing with, I can hardly blame her from crying. She's not just crying because she doesn't like the ring. She's crying because this entire situation is never what a girl wants when she's been dreaming of her engagement for probably her whole life. It's supposed to be this big, happy, joyous thing, and everyone is treating it crappily. That's awful.

Look, I'm not saying she shouldn't get married. I'm saying that she AND her fiancé don't appear to exhibit the maturity necessary to marry. I'm sorry she didn't get the ring she expected; I'm also sorry she's hurt by it, physically. And I'm sorry she's putting up with some jerky relatives. But you know what? Disappointment happens in life. And I'm sorry if it's supposed to be some "big joyous thing," but life doesn't go as planned 95% of the time. It just seems like she's more concerned about the physical object than the engagement, and if she can't move past this and get to the happiness of "so what, I'm still engaged!", then no, I don't think anyone's out of line in saying that she's not mature enough to handle a marriage.