Did you tell him you wanted a traditional ring? If so, then he didn't listen.
If you didn't tell him then I'd say he's a very attentive guy because he noticed your preference for butterflies and he even bothered enough to go all out and try and get you a butterfly ring. He might have been able to guess that it's not practical, however, he's a guy and he just saw the butterfly ring and didn't think any further. But he made the effort, he wanted something special because he cares and he loves you. Isn't that a lot more worth than what other people think about it? You're marrying him. Not them.
I'd suggest wearing it on a necklace as well, however, you said it wasn't possible, so I second the suggestions of mentioning the issue with work and how it doesn't fit properly and talk it through with him. You'll surely find a solution.
I would also add, as someone else said already, go ring shopping as a couple, people! My husband toyed with the surprise thing (even though we had talked and planned on getting engaged) and went with his sister to look at engagement rings. He decided that I should definitely have a direct say in choosing something I would be wearing every day for the rest of my life. So we made a trip together. And good thing, too, as the rings he and his sister looked at were not at all what I looked at or chose.
Let's not exaggerate 'every day for rest of your life.' My mother stopped wearing her engagement ring years ago. A stoned ring is just too inconvenient if you work needing gloves (she was a dentist), are dealing with small children directly, etc.
But if you don't like it, it hurts, it hurts EMOTIONALLY that people don't realize what it is, you should be able to explain that and he at least needs to acknowledge it. Does he maybe not want to address it because he can't afford to get a second ring and doesn't want to sell/return this one because he put a lot of thought into it?
If you or your mother do not, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration.
I don't have an engagement ring, only occasionally wear my plain gold wedding band and have been happily married for almost 35 years.
If you don't, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to not wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration".
Congratulations on your engagement, woodstock. Much happiness in the future.
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If OP feels this way, it's no good to say wear it as a necklace, that's not what you get an engagement ring for. And who besides a high school girl (or jr high) wears a ring on a chain anyway? She isn't going steady, she's engaged.
I know I'm a ninny, but if I were him, it would really hurt me if my fiance wanted to exchange the ring. I know I'm not being practical, but it would hurt.
Nubka - Unpaid Slave Laborer...
I really would not want anyone to keep/wear anything that they did not like. Would rather them exchange it and be happy. Apologize profusely and ask (beg) to exchange it.
Suggestion....can it be made into a brooch? It could be worn under your scrubs on a work day. And then get a simple ring for everyday?
"awwww....shades of Janet Lynn" - Dick Button on anyone who makes more than one mistake in their program.
The way people react to your ring will depend on the way you present it. If they sense that you love it, they will too. If they sense you're uncomfortable, they will be as well.
I'll just say that often, unconventional jewelery grows on you. It's like when someone gives you an item of clothing you wouldn't have chosen for youself... Either you reject it outright, or you give it a try, and work your own style around it. Often, if given a chance, it'll "take" after a while.
If it's really too difficult to wear all the time, suggest getting a plainer, cheap ring you can wear for work, and say you'll keep the one he gave for special occasions.
Loving someone entails taking them as they are, inappropriate gifts and all. I understand your feelings, but IMO love entails making sacrifices on important things... if they weren't important, it wouldn't be a sacrifice. And accepting and learning to like an unusual engagement ring is one of those.
I don't think starting a life together with an "important sacrifice" is the way to go. Life will throw enough of them your way, no need to add to the pile right off the bat.
Woodstock, this ring just doesn't do it for you. I feel that if you don't find a caring way to tell your fiance the ring is an issue, every time you see it, for however long you choose to wear it, you will feel a little resentful towards him and that feeling might grow and come out later in a very bad way. This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.
It is awful when someone gives you a gift, or does something very special for you, that ends up making you sad or uncomfortable. And it's even worse when you have to tell them about it. In this case woodstock doesn't really have a choice- she can't wear the ring as an everyday piece of jewelry. If it were me, I'd keep it and wear it on very special occasions- holidays, anniversaries and such, and then go as a couple and pick matching, ornate wedding rings. I wouldn't replace it with another ring, because you get engaged with a commitment, not a ring.
(rjblue- happily married almost 30 years, no engagement ring yet...)
"You emerge victorious from the maze you've been travelling in." Oct 21,2012- Best Fortune Cookie Ever!
I agree with having it made into a brooch or using it as a special necklace to wear outside of work.
How about collaborating on rings that are meaningful to both of you. My husband and I have rings with infinity symbols.
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I would never want someone whom I cared about to feel obligated to endure wearing something so symbolically important as an engagement ring which that person did not like, and most certainly not if it caused physical discomfort - no matter how much thought or effort I had put into it.
"Skating fans are not a patient bunch." Dragonlady
Engagement rings aren't the important thing but pain and feelings are major. You can't live with something that makes you uncomfortable (rather it be physical or emotional) but he picked something out for you. It was important to him that he gave you something unique. I agree the best thing to do is go together and pick out ornate wedding rings.
Communication is super important. Talk this out with him. Make sure you listen to him. Make sure he listens to you.
Maybe you and he can go search for a new butterfly ring that you would love and be able to wear. Maybe you can make this a special time for you two. Maybe create a new tradition among the two of you. You and he can search together for the perfect gift for each other. No surprises but special togetherness time. The real gift is the together time.
So I'd advice Woodstock to start with being honest and acknowledging her partner's efforts. But first, ask yourself, why is it so important to get other people's approval for your ring? Then, ask yourself if his gesture to you is more important than others' approval?
And talk to him honestly about all the above. Very often talking resolves the issue. If you can't talk honestly now, it doesn't bode well for a good marriage IMO. He made a sweet gesture that didn't work out as planned but there is room for negotiation. He might want to exchange the ring, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. Or, he might want you to keep it to wear very occasionally and ask you to pick out your wedding ring. Or, you might decide you want to keep it after all.
I do think woodstock has to be honest now, especially since she hasn't gotten married yet. An engagement ring will be small potatoes compared to other things faced in a marriage...
Two other considerations--first, it's not always possible to return engagement rings. So I wouldn't assume that's an option. Second, many people who work in health-related settings (eg. hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.) are prohibited from wearing any rings whatsoever, and most commonly rings with protruding gem stones because patients are frequently cut/scraped by such rings. So I wouldn't assume having a solitaire or other engagement ring would be any more workplace-friendly than the current one.
Last edited by agalisgv; 12-27-2011 at 12:09 PM.