I got engaged! Unfortunately....

[Vash01]

And....the way it's designed it snags on everything with the "wingtips" because of how they remain straight, pointy, and exposed when I bend my fingers. So when it snags the one lower "wingtip" is then jammed into my knuckle and its already starting to bruise. I already can tell I won't be able to wear it to work as it will snag everywhere when I'm lifting patients and putting on and removing gloves, and shred my knuckle in the process. And it's hurting already. I told him how it made me sad that my family reacted that way to seeing it and showed him the bruising and said how it will make me sad to have a ring that I really can't functionally wear for the majority of my day, but I don't think he really understands. How big a spoiled bitch am I? I want to love it so badly, but right now wearing it really hurts and I don't see any way in which they could alter it to keep it from snagging and pressing into my knuckle. And I don't even know where we would find a wedding band to fit it (even my aunt said "you won't find anything to fit that ring"). And custom bands are $$$$$.

I love him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. The ring is nice, it's special because he gave it to me for our engagement. However I want a ring that I can wear pain-free all day everyday, and not leave it at home since it snags at work. But most of all it's just not...me.

After reading other comments and rereading your OP, I think your last paragraph is the key. You want a ring that you can wear it everyday, without pain. I am sure he will understand it and either exchange it for another ring or buy a simple engagement ring.

[ballettmaus]

He says I shouldn't care about what other people say and that he bought it because he wanted something different and special for me, but maybe he just hasn't learned in the years we've known each other how much I do care sometimes.

How much you care about what other people think?

Did you tell him you wanted a traditional ring? If so, then he didn't listen.
If you didn't tell him then I'd say he's a very attentive guy because he noticed your preference for butterflies and he even bothered enough to go all out and try and get you a butterfly ring. He might have been able to guess that it's not practical, however, he's a guy and he just saw the butterfly ring and didn't think any further. But he made the effort, he wanted something special because he cares and he loves you. Isn't that a lot more worth than what other people think about it? You're marrying him. Not them.

I'd suggest wearing it on a necklace as well, however, you said it wasn't possible, so I second the suggestions of mentioning the issue with work and how it doesn't fit properly and talk it through with him. You'll surely find a solution.

[PDilemma]

I would also add, as someone else said already, go ring shopping as a couple, people! My husband toyed with the surprise thing (even though we had talked and planned on getting engaged) and went with his sister to look at engagement rings. He decided that I should definitely have a direct say in choosing something I would be wearing every day for the rest of my life. So we made a trip together. And good thing, too, as the rings he and his sister looked at were not at all what I looked at or chose.

[danceronice]

Let's not exaggerate 'every day for rest of your life.' My mother stopped wearing her engagement ring years ago. A stoned ring is just too inconvenient if you work needing gloves (she was a dentist), are dealing with small children directly, etc.

But if you don't like it, it hurts, it hurts EMOTIONALLY that people don't realize what it is, you should be able to explain that and he at least needs to acknowledge it. Does he maybe not want to address it because he can't afford to get a second ring and doesn't want to sell/return this one because he put a lot of thought into it?

[PDilemma]

Let's not exaggerate 'every day for rest of your life.' My mother stopped wearing her engagement ring years ago. A stoned ring is just too inconvenient if you work needing gloves (she was a dentist), are dealing with small children directly, etc.

I'm not a dentist. And I prefer to wear my ring and any job I have had or anticipate having will not necessitate removing it. Most women I know do wear their rings. Even those with small children. My mother has worn hers every day of her life for nearly 48 years now. My grandmother wore hers for 60+ years and she spent over half of that as a farm wife.

If you or your mother do not, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration.

[milanessa]

I'm not a dentist. And I prefer to wear my ring and any job I have had or anticipate having will not necessitate removing it. Most women I know do wear their rings. Even those with small children. My mother has worn hers every day of her life for nearly 48 years now. My grandmother wore hers for 60+ years and she spent over half of that as a farm wife.

If you or your mother do not, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration.

I don't have an engagement ring, only occasionally wear my plain gold wedding band and have been happily married for almost 35 years.

If you don't, that is your preference. Don't force it on everyone else or consider the choice to not wear the ring always something silly that is an "exaggeration".

Congratulations on your engagement, woodstock. Much happiness in the future.

[taf2002]

How much you care about what other people think?

Did you tell him you wanted a traditional ring? If so, then he didn't listen.
If you didn't tell him then I'd say he's a very attentive guy because he noticed your preference for butterflies and he even bothered enough to go all out and try and get you a butterfly ring. He might have been able to guess that it's not practical, however, he's a guy and he just saw the butterfly ring and didn't think any further. But he made the effort, he wanted something special because he cares and he loves you. Isn't that a lot more worth than what other people think about it? You're marrying him. Not them.

I'd suggest wearing it on a necklace as well, however, you said it wasn't possible, so I second the suggestions of mentioning the issue with work and how it doesn't fit properly and talk it through with him. You'll surely find a solution.

It's nice he noticed her preference for butterflies. That doesn't mean she wants to wear a butterfly on her finger. Most of us love skating. I would HATE an engagement ring that was a diamond skate. I would rather have a plain band than a ring that looks like a fun piece of jewelry for the right hand. That's just me.

If OP feels this way, it's no good to say wear it as a necklace, that's not what you get an engagement ring for. And who besides a high school girl (or jr high) wears a ring on a chain anyway? She isn't going steady, she's engaged.

[nubka]

I know I'm a ninny, but if I were him, it would really hurt me if my fiance wanted to exchange the ring. I know I'm not being practical, but it would hurt.

[nursebetty]

I really would not want anyone to keep/wear anything that they did not like. Would rather them exchange it and be happy. Apologize profusely and ask (beg) to exchange it.

[skatemommy]

Suggestion....can it be made into a brooch? It could be worn under your scrubs on a work day. And then get a simple ring for everyday?

[millyskate]

I know I'm a ninny, but if I were him, it would really hurt me if my fiance wanted to exchange the ring. I know I'm not being practical, but it would hurt.

It's going to hurt a lot. To suggest that it won't is unrealistic.

The way people react to your ring will depend on the way you present it. If they sense that you love it, they will too. If they sense you're uncomfortable, they will be as well.

I'll just say that often, unconventional jewelery grows on you. It's like when someone gives you an item of clothing you wouldn't have chosen for youself... Either you reject it outright, or you give it a try, and work your own style around it. Often, if given a chance, it'll "take" after a while.

If it's really too difficult to wear all the time, suggest getting a plainer, cheap ring you can wear for work, and say you'll keep the one he gave for special occasions.

Loving someone entails taking them as they are, inappropriate gifts and all. I understand your feelings, but IMO love entails making sacrifices on important things... if they weren't important, it wouldn't be a sacrifice. And accepting and learning to like an unusual engagement ring is one of those.

[Desperado]

I don't think starting a life together with an "important sacrifice" is the way to go. Life will throw enough of them your way, no need to add to the pile right off the bat.

Woodstock, this ring just doesn't do it for you. I feel that if you don't find a caring way to tell your fiance the ring is an issue, every time you see it, for however long you choose to wear it, you will feel a little resentful towards him and that feeling might grow and come out later in a very bad way. This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.

[rjblue]

This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.

If this is a "major" issue for either of them, then they probably shouldn't be getting married. It's sad that the traditions of the joyous presenting of the ring got spoiled for them, but if were an actual problem to their relationship, then it would be a signal to not get married.

It is awful when someone gives you a gift, or does something very special for you, that ends up making you sad or uncomfortable. And it's even worse when you have to tell them about it. In this case woodstock doesn't really have a choice- she can't wear the ring as an everyday piece of jewelry. If it were me, I'd keep it and wear it on very special occasions- holidays, anniversaries and such, and then go as a couple and pick matching, ornate wedding rings. I wouldn't replace it with another ring, because you get engaged with a commitment, not a ring.

(rjblue- happily married almost 30 years, no engagement ring yet...)

[snoopysnake]

Thank you! I wish I could, but I don't wear necklaces or dangly earrings since it's a risk that our more aggressive patients may rip those off. And it would kind of remove the purpose of it being an engagement ring, when I don't wear it on my finger because it hurts.

Wouldn't your ring be hazardous then, if you work with aggressive patients? They could twist the ring so that it stabs you or otherwise causes you injury. It might also cause injury to the patients. This could be your out.

I agree with having it made into a brooch or using it as a special necklace to wear outside of work.

How about collaborating on rings that are meaningful to both of you. My husband and I have rings with infinity symbols.

[genevieve]

I don't think starting a life together with an "important sacrifice" is the way to go. Life will throw enough of them your way, no need to add to the pile right off the bat.

Woodstock, this ring just doesn't do it for you. I feel that if you don't find a caring way to tell your fiance the ring is an issue, every time you see it, for however long you choose to wear it, you will feel a little resentful towards him and that feeling might grow and come out later in a very bad way. This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.

I agree with your first paragraph, but I think people need to recognize that changing the ring is ALSO an "important sacrifice", because it says that finance failed at finding an acceptable ring, despite his efforts to find something that really spoke to her. As has been mentioned, his feelings will be hurt in this, and that should be as big of a consideration as hers.

It is awful when someone gives you a gift, or does something very special for you, that ends up making you sad or uncomfortable. And it's even worse when you have to tell them about it. In this case woodstock doesn't really have a choice- she can't wear the ring as an everyday piece of jewelry. If it were me, I'd keep it and wear it on very special occasions- holidays, anniversaries and such, and then go as a couple and pick matching, ornate wedding rings. I wouldn't replace it with another ring, because you get engaged with a commitment, not a ring.

^^ ITA

[VALuvsMKwan]

I would never want someone whom I cared about to feel obligated to endure wearing something so symbolically important as an engagement ring which that person did not like, and most certainly not if it caused physical discomfort - no matter how much thought or effort I had put into it.

[tarotx]

Engagement rings aren't the important thing but pain and feelings are major. You can't live with something that makes you uncomfortable (rather it be physical or emotional) but he picked something out for you. It was important to him that he gave you something unique. I agree the best thing to do is go together and pick out ornate wedding rings.

Communication is super important. Talk this out with him. Make sure you listen to him. Make sure he listens to you.

Maybe you and he can go search for a new butterfly ring that you would love and be able to wear. Maybe you can make this a special time for you two. Maybe create a new tradition among the two of you. You and he can search together for the perfect gift for each other. No surprises but special togetherness time. The real gift is the together time.

[Japanfan]

I agree with your first paragraph, but I think people need to recognize that changing the ring is ALSO an "important sacrifice", because it says that finance failed at finding an acceptable ring, despite his efforts to find something that really spoke to her. As has been mentioned, his feelings will be hurt in this, and that should be as big of a consideration as hers.

People in long-term partnerships are going to hurt each others' feelings. But honesty is more important than hurt feelings because if those feelings aren't expressed, resentment builds and can turn into smouldering anger.

So I'd advice Woodstock to start with being honest and acknowledging her partner's efforts. But first, ask yourself, why is it so important to get other people's approval for your ring? Then, ask yourself if his gesture to you is more important than others' approval?

And talk to him honestly about all the above. Very often talking resolves the issue. If you can't talk honestly now, it doesn't bode well for a good marriage IMO. He made a sweet gesture that didn't work out as planned but there is room for negotiation. He might want to exchange the ring, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. Or, he might want you to keep it to wear very occasionally and ask you to pick out your wedding ring. Or, you might decide you want to keep it after all.

[Anita18]

Actually, I think the fact that it doesn't fit well and hurts is a great out for you. You don't have to tell him you don't like it. You can explain quite truthfully (and feelingly) the physical problems. Then you can work together to find a solution. You will have to work out tons of problems together as a team when you marry. You might as well start now.

That's exactly how I would go about it, although the fact that the main focus of the original post being that nobody knows it's an engagement ring is IMO showing that her focus isn't really on the physical stuff.

Suggestion....can it be made into a brooch? It could be worn under your scrubs on a work day. And then get a simple ring for everyday?

That's a fantastic idea! But again, depends on what woodstock wants her engagement ring to say. If she wants to show off a ring she LOVES on her finger, the ring has to be changed because of the various reasons she's stated.

I agree with your first paragraph, but I think people need to recognize that changing the ring is ALSO an "important sacrifice", because it says that finance failed at finding an acceptable ring, despite his efforts to find something that really spoke to her. As has been mentioned, his feelings will be hurt in this, and that should be as big of a consideration as hers.

Granted, it would be very hard for even my mother to choose jewelry that I would like, because I NEVER talk about what I like in jewelry. So if the ring was supposed to be a complete and total surprise, unless he's a psychic, it would be a miracle if he got anything close to what she liked. The men who manage to please their fiancee with surprise engagement rings I think always go for the traditional rings with big diamonds, because that's what society says all women LOVE in an engagement ring. If you stick with that, more often than not you'll be right.

I do think woodstock has to be honest now, especially since she hasn't gotten married yet. An engagement ring will be small potatoes compared to other things faced in a marriage...

[agalisgv]

ask yourself, why is it so important to get other people's approval for your ring? Then, ask yourself if his gesture to you is more important than others' approval?

this

entire post

Very well said

Two other considerations--first, it's not always possible to return engagement rings. So I wouldn't assume that's an option. Second, many people who work in health-related settings (eg. hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.) are prohibited from wearing any rings whatsoever, and most commonly rings with protruding gem stones because patients are frequently cut/scraped by such rings. So I wouldn't assume having a solitaire or other engagement ring would be any more workplace-friendly than the current one.