I got engaged! Unfortunately....

[michiruwater]

But that's a lot of conjecture you're working with there. She's upset about the ring, so that is primarily what she's posting about. Go figure. What's actually happening in real life, and the state of her excitement at her engagement, we don't really know. And we know next-to-nothing about the fiancee, except that he wanted to do something special and is balking at having to change. His motivation behind anything is unknown to us. How he acts in every day life is unknown to us. How woodstock acts in every day life is unknown to us. I don't think everyone on the internet needs to be nice to each other all the time (how boring is that?), and I know posting on a publish forum opens one up to criticism, but I think it's pretty damned rude for you to tell her she's not mature enough to get married based on so little.

[victoriaheidi]

But that's a lot of conjecture you're working with there. She's upset about the ring, so that is primarily what she's posting about. Go figure. What's actually happening in real life, and the state of her excitement at her engagement, we don't really know. And we know next-to-nothing about the fiancee, except that he wanted to do something special and is balking at having to change. His motivation behind anything is unknown to us. How he acts in every day life is unknown to us. How woodstock acts in every day life is unknown to us. I don't think everyone on the internet needs to be nice to each other all the time (how boring is that?), and I know posting on a publish forum opens one up to criticism, but I think it's pretty damned rude for you to tell her she's not mature enough to get married based on so little.

To me, she's just not coming off as even interested in the fact that she's engaged.

[genevieve]

look at it from the other angle - woodstock a) accepted a marriage proposal that was accompanied by a ring. She said yes to the proposal, and apparently said yes to the ring but b) she then got incredibly hurtful comments about the ring from her family and friends, comments that were not only about the ring but about her fiance. She may have already felt less than thrilled about the ring, but now she absolutely hates it because of other peoples' reactions to it, so c) she is crying all the time and telling fiance how upset she is that other people don't like the ring. She hasn't said whether or not she has told him SHE doesn't like the ring. All the fiance has heard is that he has made her the most miserable person in the world by trying to be thoughtful and buying a ring that would mean more than a standard engagement ring.

So yeah, woodstock is treating this just as crappily as everybody else, and both her reaction and the fiance's refusal to budge are indications that they may not be ready to get married.

Just because someone has a huge fantasy of what the day they are proposed to, or even their wedding day will look like, does not guarantee that that's how it's going to play out. I call BS on the whole "this is the moment a girl has been waiting for her whole life" crap. That's just begging for disappointment, because people have this annoying tendency to not behave like they do in fairy tales and hollywood movies. Incredible and memorable moments come out of the people involved in them - one person doesn't get to bring forward her fully formed version of it and make everyone else just play their part.

ETA - that last paragraph isn't specific to woodstock.

[Angelskates]

To me she's not really upset about the ring, she's upset about everyone's reaction about the ring. I think if they loved it, she'd love it.

[Kruss]

That, and you can get something much bigger and nicer than a diamond if you get a gemstone instead. The price difference is dramatic.

When my sister got engaged, she and her husband didn't have a lot of money. She loves the color blue, so he got her a small round blue topaz set in a white gold setting (it was perhaps 1/8 of a carat, very small). She loved it. Years later their son somehow lost the ring (was playing with it and possibly accidentally flushed it or something). So my BIL replaced it with a big marquise-shaped blue topaz set on a high prong setting; she absolutely adores that ring!

My aunt never liked diamonds, so she had an engagement ring with a pear-shaped blue star sapphire (remember those?).

[flyingsit]

That sounds so pretty. I think I'd like something like that. Diamonds are gorgeous, but when everyone has them in engagement rings, sometimes I think it might be fun to be a little different.

I have an emerald. It was from a cocktail ring of my grandmother's, which she had given to my mom... and my mom didn't wear because it wasn't her style. So my mom gave it to us, and we had it taken apart and used the center emerald plus the surrounding small diamonds and had it made into my engagement and wedding rings. My grandmother loved that we used her ring. And I didn't feel slighted in the least that Eric didn't spend much, only the cost of having the new rings made and the stones re-set.

[Veronika]

To me she's not really upset about the ring, she's upset about everyone's reaction about the ring. I think if they loved it, she'd love it.

Or if she told them she loved it (and was eager to show it off) maybe they would lay off?

I'm very tempted to say that woodstock should get a nice big CZ ring to wear around her family. Tacori has some fabulous CZ rings that they sell on QVC!

[VALuvsMKwan]

I think this says more about you than your fiancé. He found a unique ring and you look at it and it makes you sad? What about what the ring represents to you as a couple, as in that he LOVES you enough to find something unique and special, and that he wants to spend his life with you? Any ring can be an engagement ring because an engagement is not about a piece of jewellery and the fact your focus is, bothers me. I honestly think if others loved it, you'd love it. I don't think your problem is with the ring at all, but your focus on the ring and what other people think of it, is sad - and IMHO a huge indication that you are not ready for marraige.

Let's see you (not just Angelskates, but anyone posting here)
1. Get an engagement ring you don't care for,
2. That physically hurts you,
3. Have a fiance who doesn't seem to care for any of your feelings in the situation, but only is concerned that he managed to surprise you with without asking any input from you at all...

Even leaving out the comments and reactions from outside the relationship, unless you are the biggest bloody martyr in the world, would you really think this is a situation that you could be happy in, and not be an indicator for potential future difficulties in your relationship?

If so, I'll be happy to shoot arrows into you or put you on a pyre and light the match so that you can more closely resemble your apparent role models.

[bek]

To me, she's just not coming off as even interested in the fact that she's engaged.

Well I don't know, the whole subject of her post was her ring. It may be that she's choosing here to vent her feelings about her ring. It doesn't mean that she's not excited about her engagement, isn't committed to her fiance etc.

I know that my ex later on got engaged/married to a girl who was insisting on a 6,000 engagement ring. He was a graduate student and couldn't afford that ring, but that's what she wanted. He vented to everyone about it, even me. I didn't tell him what I thought because I felt it would be very inappropriate for me to say anything. I know several of his friends did say something and didn't think too highly of her insisting on the ring. Although he told us that she was the type who'd rather have a fancy ring and elope, its what she always dreamed of. He wanted the bigger wedding.

What ended up happening was that a friend of hers gave him the money to buy the ring, and he did. Now personally I was a bit meh about some other guy buying the ring for me and I'd go with what my guy could afford, but hey it worked for them.This being said they know though are still married for years, have two beautiful children.. They have so far lasted a lot longer than a lot of our other friend's marriage, but then again other than that ring issue I actually did think she was a good fit for him.

Everyone has their issues its how you deal with it. I do think your fiance should recognize that maybe just because you don't love his taste in jewelry it doesn't mean you don't love him. But I think maybe you should value your fiance's feelings more than the ring. Maybe you can just wear this ring on special occassions, and get another more "functional ring."

[michiruwater]

I can't tell the difference between a diamond and CZ when looking at them anyway. But I also don't like diamonds.

I will add that I do, actually, think engagement rings are silly. But I do know that a lot of girls are brought up to dream about the day they meet The One and gets theirs - and more importantly, society pressures them to think that way. So I really can't blame girls for thinking like that, even if I agree with the entirety of your last paragraph, genevieve.

[snoopy]

I will add that I do, actually, think engagement rings are silly. But I do know that a lot of girls are brought up to dream about the day they meet The One and gets theirs - and more importantly, society pressures them to think that way. So I really can't blame girls for thinking like that, even if I agree with the entirety of your last paragraph, genevieve.

Yeah, I think the ring is tied up with status and relates to a cultural outlook. I would not care about the ring so much but occasionally, I overhear other women who make a very big deal about it. I usually overhear this at the hair salon where I spend too much money.

My read of the initial post is that the most upsetting thing was *that other people didn’t know she was engaged.* There is certain bragging rights that goes along with that, that she is missing out on.

As to the marriage question – should they or shouldn’t they – I think the two have to be of the same cultural mindset. I can’t tell from just this incident, but if the status stuff is going to be continually important to her and *not* important to him, then there will always be problems. But if this is just a one off, then its probably not that big of a deal.

[overedge]

I just googled it and it said two-months' salary is a good starting point.

This is a myth perpetuated by the diamond/wedding ring industry, who of course want people to spend as much as possible.

[Vash01]

Woodstock,

No matter what you decide to do about the engagement ring, I hope you and your husband will have a very long and very happy married life.

[victoriajh]

I think that. You had a n idea in your mind of what you wanted to get and when you did not you re disappointed having bookmarks and telling your bf about the bookmarks are two diff things
Sometimes the dream of a situation and the reality are two diff things. I do not think that your reaction wodstock is off base, when you get engaged we all want the 'let me see the ring!' and wow reactions!!!! When you don't get that and you want it you would be disappointed!!!
I wear my engagement ring every day, I love what it represents ( that some one loves me enough to marry me!! Ha ah ah ) I also wear my wedding ring , that ws my mums and my grandmothers engagement ring.
You fiancee is hurt that he tried to make you happy and he ws off th mark. He will understand when he sees how happy you are witht he right ring good luck

Ps my hubby's theory is now that he cannot choose wrong if he goes to Tiffany

[victoriaheidi]

look at it from the other angle - woodstock a) accepted a marriage proposal that was accompanied by a ring. She said yes to the proposal, and apparently said yes to the ring but b) she then got incredibly hurtful comments about the ring from her family and friends, comments that were not only about the ring but about her fiance. She may have already felt less than thrilled about the ring, but now she absolutely hates it because of other peoples' reactions to it, so c) she is crying all the time and telling fiance how upset she is that other people don't like the ring. She hasn't said whether or not she has told him SHE doesn't like the ring. All the fiance has heard is that he has made her the most miserable person in the world by trying to be thoughtful and buying a ring that would mean more than a standard engagement ring.

So yeah, woodstock is treating this just as crappily as everybody else, and both her reaction and the fiance's refusal to budge are indications that they may not be ready to get married.

Just because someone has a huge fantasy of what the day they are proposed to, or even their wedding day will look like, does not guarantee that that's how it's going to play out. I call BS on the whole "this is the moment a girl has been waiting for her whole life" crap. That's just begging for disappointment, because people have this annoying tendency to not behave like they do in fairy tales and hollywood movies. Incredible and memorable moments come out of the people involved in them - one person doesn't get to bring forward her fully formed version of it and make everyone else just play their part.

100% agree

[Coco]

I've heard this book is helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Brid.../dp/1572242132

[nubka]

I've heard this book is helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Brid.../dp/1572242132

This book sounds interesting, so I just ordered it from ABE.

[kwanfan1818]

I got engaged with a simple (yellow) gold band, which looked a lot like a wedding band.

I once saw the Ingmar Bergman film that was based on his parents' relationship, "The Best Intentions", and I didn't understand why they spoke about not yet being married when she was wearing a wedding band. A Swedish friend explained that a Scandinavian custom was to get one gold band on the betrothal and another at the wedding.

[jlai]

I don't think rings are a big deal but then "we spend $$ on people to show them how much we care" seems an entrenched thought in wealthy societies. Just look at how much $$ we spend on Xmas gifts.

[Prancer]

I think it's kind of hilarious to read some of these posts scolding woodstock or making such a big deal out of her engagement ring and saying that she should call off the marriage because of it. Er......

I didn't like my engagement ring. My mom made a snarky comment about it and so did some of my friends, which was kind of embarrassing, to be honest. I got married anyway, because no one told me that not liking the engagement ring was such a bad sign. Life went on. Eventually I forgot all about the engagement period, which lasted only a couple of months anyway, and found other things to dislike, some even more than the engagement ring, many of them about myself. In spite of this, I continue to be married, although our annual review is coming up in February and we WILL be discussing certain failings in our best practices. There is no resting on your laurels in this organization .

This is one of those situations where the primary person has to make some choices between several things that are important; woodstock has to choose what is MOST important to her and let the rest of it go. It's good practice for marriage; these choices happen a lot, especially in the beginning.