How to tell a friend he smells

[MacMadame]

Oh, I don't think giving the dude soap is a very good idea. That's a very passive-agressive way to deal with the situation and it's humiliating.

It's either going to be humiliating or it's going to go right over his head. I vote for the later, in fact, as that's been my experience with people who have personal grooming issues.

I vote for your dh talking to him with no one around and stressing the "is anything wrong?" aspect.

And few things beat a bunch of sweaty middle-school-aged boys who've doused themselves in Axe rather than showering.

Awk. My nose hurts just thinking about it!

[Holley Calmes]

I don't think I've ever had a body odor problem with a friend, but I have had one with friends who must eat a whole bulb of grlic every day and don't realize that not only does their breath knock you over, but the garlic is eventually secreted in sweat through the pores and their essence could peel paint off the walls. These are people who bathe regularly and probably don't have a clue what the garlic is doing to their impression on others, especially in a crowded elevator. I love garlic too, but man....it can be brutal!!

In regard to the problem at hand here....also consider - is it that the man doesn't bathe or could he be washing, but he's wearing the same clothes over and over because he's unable to buy new ones or he has no access to laundry facilities while doing this project. Just a thought.

Being a friend means having to tackle the tough jobs as well as the fun ones. Telling a friend he might be alienating others because of a hygiene problem is doing him a favor. He might be embarrassed or ashamed or surprized, but it's better for a friend to tell him than for some child on a bus to yell out "Mister, you stink!!" I've been around a 3 year old this weekend, and believe me, Zach would do just that in a fit of childish honesty. That would surely hurt the person more than a trusted friend giving them a heads-up in a loving way.

[orbitz]

Sometimes a homeless person makes it onto a public bus or metro train, and the smell can get really bad.

[Wiery]

Maybe he's trying to be a considerate guest and not use your water-water bills can be expensive, and maybe he doesn't want to ask to use your washer/dryer to clean his clothes. I"m grasping at straws here, but you never really know...

Anyway, I'd hand the guy a towel and robe, give him a gentle nudge into the bathroom, and tell him "Please feel free to use our shower....now. Also, give me your clothes; I'll go start a load of laundry for you. Just put them outside the door."

[rudi]

If you consider him a good friend of yours then you're also doing him a favor by letting him know about his body odor issue since he has to deal with other people in the world also, assuming that he's not living as a hermit. The definition of friend implies that you guys should be able to freely discuss issues with one another. If you have to walk on eggshell around a "friend" then he's really not your friend.

I know that you are right. It's just such a sensitive subject that it would be difficult to imagine a conversation about this that isn't at least a little awkward. I guess I just hope I never have to address it with anyone!

[jadingirl]

I agree with wiery that he might be uncomfortable using your facilities. If he is all cleaned up after the holidays that might be all it is.

[Aceon6]

Another vote for "Is everything ok, because we've noticed your habits have changed." You didn't say how many full baths you have or where they're located, but if the shower is off the master, you may need to block out time for him to feel comfortable using it.

[modern_muslimah]

Thanks for all the input. He has used our shower in the past so he knows that it is off limits. We don't have a washer and dryer at home but I've taken him to the laundromat in the past. My husband is going to talk to him when he comes back into town today. My husband is thinking that it maybe his illness that is affecting his lack of bathing. He has an illness that can cause pain to his joints. So maybe taking a shower affects his joints?

[Marco]

I wonder if he is just showering less because he is staying at your home and he doesn't have enough underwear to go around his laundry cycle.

[Louise]

There's always a tactful way of approaching this. If a friend has a booger in his nose, a piece of food stuck to his teeth, or bad BO I feel as a friend you should just say something outright and get it over with. I'd say that I've noticed he has pretty constant BO and that he needs to shower everyday because the smell is noticeable in the house. Right to the point, no shame involved, and the matter is done. Whether it's a depression problem or not, your house does not need to smell like his BO. How hard is it for him to just shower once a day?

[michiruwater]

For someone with serious depression, the thought of just getting out of bed seems almost insurmountably hard some days, let alone cleaning your body.

Not that we know he is depressed, but it's very easy to label seriously depressed people as just lazy assholes.

[numbers123]

Thanks for all the input. He has used our shower in the past so he knows that it is off limits. We don't have a washer and dryer at home but I've taken him to the laundromat in the past. My husband is going to talk to him when he comes back into town today. My husband is thinking that it maybe his illness that is affecting his lack of bathing. He has an illness that can cause pain to his joints. So maybe taking a shower affects his joints?

Do you have another shower? If yours is off limits, where is he supposed to shower or clean up?

[Angelskates]

Do you have another shower? If yours is off limits, where is he supposed to shower or clean up?

I think it's a typo, since he's used the shower in the past.

[Holley Calmes]

Thanks for all the input. He has used our shower in the past so he knows that it is off limits. We don't have a washer and dryer at home but I've taken him to the laundromat in the past. My husband is going to talk to him when he comes back into town today. My husband is thinking that it maybe his illness that is affecting his lack of bathing. He has an illness that can cause pain to his joints. So maybe taking a shower affects his joints?

I have a lot of arthritis and joint and back pain from both heredity and from taking Tamoxifen for breast cancer. My joints ache like hell. All the time. I can honestly tell you that when you've been working hard and using your body in a physical way, as has this gentleman, it's all you can do to just crawl in bed, and then getting back up after sleep is sometimes just hell. However, hot showers are sometimes the only way I can get myself upright in the morning, so hot showers and warm baths would actually be good for him. I can understand hurting all over. Sometimes dressing and undressing are a chore as well when you can't bend very much.

[GarrAarghHrumph]

I know that you are right. It's just such a sensitive subject that it would be difficult to imagine a conversation about this that isn't at least a little awkward. I guess I just hope I never have to address it with anyone!

This will be awkward, but when you need to give someone bad news, or tell them something uncomfortable, I believe you need to do it quickly, and be quite frank and to the point. Doing it any other way just adds to the awkwardness.

If this person is your friend, you owe him this much.

And I agree with others that this needs to be done in private, and man-to-man.

[skateboy]

Sometimes a direct conversation is best. "Dude, what's up? You stink."

I agree with this.

Once, I lived in an apartment building that had defective washing machines. I wasn't aware of it, but the water that "washed" the clothes basically had sewage in it. After my first (and last) time using the machines, I was out socializing with friends and noticed this weird, unpleasant smell. One of my friends said to me, "Dude, you smell really bad." I was horrified to find out it was me, but my feelings were not hurt. I was glad to know and made sure it never happened again.

[Capella]

So any update?

[Twilight1]

ITA with whoever brought up that sometimes not taking care of oneself hygenically is a sign of depression.

Hope everything is okay now.

[BigB08822]

I would come at it from a place of concern. Let your husband say that he has noticed some changes and wants to make sure everything is OK. If he insists everything is fine then ask him to please shower more often as he has noticed some smells and he doesn't want others to think bad things. If the guy admits to a problem then be considerate but let him know that he still has to shower occasionally and is there anything we can do to help?

[essence_of_soy]

Interesting topic, and it's been good to see how diplomatic people have been handling such an awkward situation.

It reminds me of a similar problem I experienced with a friend over 20 years ago. He had particularly bad B.O, but I just didn't have the guts to address it. Made it very difficult going to the movies or dinner because in close quarters, that's all I could concentrate on.

However, he soon got a job with a high - powered law firm and they took him aside in private and addressed the issue firmly, but tactfully. After that, it was never an issue.

So, sometimes people just aren't aware of it, I guess.