How to tell a friend he smells

[modern_muslimah]

Last night, my husband and I were discussing how one of our friends has lately smelled really bad. This is a dear friend who is a nice guy. He's been staying with us because he has been working on an art project at our place of worship. For some reason he isn't showering and he's smelling quite bad. I understand some people don't shower everyday but this has gone way past that point. Our living room has his smell because that is where he normally sleeps when he stays with us. I don't even want to sit in it right now. It's becoming quite bad. He went back home to visit his family for the holiday but honestly, I'm a little scared for when he come back. Neither my husband nor I know how to bring this up. Have any of you ever had to bring this with a friend or loved one? If so, how did you do it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ziggy]

Is it something that always was an issue with him?

Because not taking care of yourself to that extent (assuming that he normally does) might be a symptom of depression or other mental issues.

P.S. I always thought you were a guy.

[orbitz]

Have you already given him an Xmas gift? If not then when he returns to your house give him some bars of handmade soap and a lufa sponge. You can casually say something like, "We saw these incredible handmade soaps from store xxx. We've used them and think they're incredible. Why don't you try them out now and let us know what you think. We really want your opinion of them. As a matter of fact, go use our shower now to test them out. Here are the towels..." Perhaps that will give him the hint?

If you guys are dear friends then I think your husband should be able to bring up the subject when he and the friend are alone together and, like Ziggy said, try to see if there's something going on in his life that is making him forget his personal hygiene.

[Ziggy]

Yes, it's much better if your husband brings it up without you being present.

[modern_muslimah]

Is it something that always was an issue with him?

Because not taking care of yourself to that extent (assuming that he normally does) might be a symptom of depression or other mental issues.

P.S. I always thought you were a guy.

He's never been the type to shower everyday but he usually at least washes up every couple of days. So BO hasn't been an issue in the past. I do wonder if something else is up.

Have you already given him an Xmas gift? If not then when he returns to your house give him some bars of handmade soap and a lufa sponge. You can casually say something like, "We saw these incredible handmade soaps from store xxx. We've used them and think they're incredible. Why don't you try them out now and let us know what you think. We really want your opinion of them. As a matter of fact, go use our shower now to test them out. Here are the towels..." Perhaps that will give him the hint?

If you guys are dear friends then I think your husband should be able to bring up the subject when he and the friend are alone together and, like Ziggy said, try to see if there's something going on in his life that is making him forget his personal hygiene.

This is a good idea orbitz. We haven't given him a gift yet. He actually left in a bit of a rush yesterday to go back home. So the idea of soaps as a gift is a good one. My husband isn't quite sure how to bring up this issue with him but if it continues he may not have a choice but to talk to him directly about it.

[Southpaw]

Oh, I don't think giving the dude soap is a very good idea. That's a very passive-agressive way to deal with the situation and it's humiliating. Maybe this guy is unique, but I don't know very many men who would even want soap as a gift so it would be taken exactly for what it is: a passive-aggressive jab at him. Let your husband have a dude to dude talk with him to take care of the situation, humiliating the guy by giving him soap isn't going to fix the problem and will likely make the situation worse, but a reasonable man to man chat likely will. You can't be involved in that conversation so you'll need to make yourself scarce when it happens. The guy probably doesn't even realize he smells as bad as he does.

[ballettmaus]

My husband isn't quite sure how to bring up this issue with him but if it continues he may not have a choice but to talk to him directly about it.

How about going with what Ziggy mentioned; your husband could ask if everything is okay in your friend's life because he noticed some changes in his behavior etc.

[Christina]

Sometimes a direct conversation is best. "Dude, what's up? You stink."

I agree with Southpaw, I wouldn't gift soaps to him, that is passive aggressive. Maybe he can't use the soap you have for some reason. Buy some Ivory (can't just about everyone use Ivory) and have your husband let him know there is new soap just for him. Some people don't like sharing a bar of soap.

[birdgal]

I wonder, if he is depressed? Lack of hygiene can be a manifestation of depression, especially, if this is not his norm.

It would be tough to tell someone that they need to shower, but I think it could be done in a kind manner and come from the standpoint of concern and caring.

[Ziggy]

How about going with what Ziggy mentioned; your husband could ask if everything is okay in your friend's life because he noticed some changes in his behavior etc.

If he used to shower every second day, definitely do that.

[Lanie]

I've known people like this. It was always out of laziness or not liking to bathe/be clean/etcetera and being utterly unaware of it. Ick.

[vesperholly]

Oh, I don't think giving the dude soap is a very good idea. That's a very passive-agressive way to deal with the situation and it's humiliating.

I agree completely. It may be thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward, but a direct, sit-down chat needs to happen. Maybe it'd be easier if you try to address the cause (why isn't he showering?) instead of the effect (he smells). Especially since you've noticed his habits have changed recently.

If he's gone to visit his family, perhaps one of them will say something.

I've known people like this. It was always out of laziness or not liking to bathe/be clean/etcetera and being utterly unaware of it. Ick.

Going from generally acceptable personal hygiene to extreme stinky is not normal, and it saddens me that you'd think he was lazy. How judgmental.

[Ziggy]

I've known people like this. It was always out of laziness or not liking to bathe/be clean/etcetera and being utterly unaware of it. Ick.

I've known posters like this. It was always out of laziness and narrow-mindedness and being utterly unaware of it. Ick.

[rudi]

Normally, I probably wouldn't; however, since he lives with you, and it affects your living space, I would probably just have your husband approach him directly without you present (so as not to embarrass him.) He may not even realize it.

[orbitz]

Normally, I probably wouldn't;

If you consider him a good friend of yours then you're also doing him a favor by letting him know about his body odor issue since he has to deal with other people in the world also, assuming that he's not living as a hermit. The definition of friend implies that you guys should be able to freely discuss issues with one another. If you have to walk on eggshell around a "friend" then he's really not your friend.

[Lanie]

Going from generally acceptable personal hygiene to extreme stinky is not normal, and it saddens me that you'd think he was lazy. How judgmental.

No, just saying the people I've known who are like this were pretty much always like this. No sudden changes or anything, which would make me think something was wrong. Should have added that.

I'm not sure what I'd do in OP's situation though.

[Quintuple]

I work next to a gal that smells like tennis sweat hotboxed in a car with a fist full of pennies for two weeks. And had durian for every meal.

The difference is, she's a crazy know-it-all who invades my space, not a friend by any means. She has this crazy gift of saying really obvious things in really condescending ways. "Oh, I see that you're carrying a cup. You know, people carry cups because, quite frankly, I've found that they're thirsty and they want something to drink. I didn't expect that you'd know that so I thought I'd point that out."

But I still struggle to say *anything* at all because BO is one of the most sensitive issues you could let someone know about.

So one day, another gal in the other cube next to me said something really off color about other people's cultures, my shoulders tensed up and I started typing as fast as I could, and smelly gal suddenly piped in, "Yes, sometimes people of other cultures don't get other people's cultures. For example, sometimes MEN of other cultures smell REALLY BAD but they do not see anything wrong with it, and it's so difficult to bring up to them!"

So I thought it was my opportunity to slide something in, in the spirit of horrendously inappropriate conversation. "Yeah, doncha hate it when some people smell like tennis sweat hotboxed in a car with a fist full of pennies for two weeks, and had durian for every meal?"

Her response: "I think you would do them a favor by telling them!"

I turned around and kept typing.

[Rex]

I agree with having your husband tell him, modern_muslimah. Good luck with that - it's a very difficult thing to have to tell someone close to you.

[barbk]

I work next to a gal that smells like tennis sweat hotboxed in a car with a fist full of pennies for two weeks. And had durian for every meal.

And you could still smell her given the overpowering odor of durian?

I had to have this conversation with a manager who worked for me years ago. Worst. Conversation. Ever. Like quite a few folks here in town, he practiced (followed?) Shambahala, and his sect (?) encouraged people to only use natural salt crystal since anything else kept them "apart from nature."

It was incredibly uncomfortable, but the pong anywhere near him was awful. He turned bright, bright red, but I did it at the very end of the day so that there wasn't too much more time that we had to deal with each other that day. The next day it was a lot better, and after a couple of weeks (by which time all his clothes had been washed, and the office aired out) it was fine. Glad I did it, but it really wasn't comfortable.

I've heard that HR departments sometimes handle this conversation, especially when it involves a peer or someone's manager, or a gender difference. That wouldn't help modern_muslimah, but you (Quintuple) might find some help.

And few things beat a bunch of sweaty middle-school-aged boys who've doused themselves in Axe rather than showering.

[Scintillation]

We had an issue with a girl at work recently who has really smelly feet, and she left her shoes at work one night. The shoes stunk up the entire back room--it was like the Superman of bad odor. We told her really gently that we noticed there she had some shoe odor going on, and could she please put her shoes in a bag when she's gone? We were so obviously nervous about bringing up the subject that she laughed and said she was glad we had told her, and she wasn't offended at all. Now we joke about her smelly feet and it's all good.
Anyways, I wouldn't recommend being passive aggressive about it. Just straight up tell them in the nicest way possible.