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  1. #41
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    I am so glad to hear the positive response.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cheylana View Post
    As for the guy, I would send the most flattering full-body photo you have. No apologies, no explanations. Don't send a note explaining you are afraid he'll dump you if he knows you are overweight--that screams low self-confidence. This is where you are in your life; own it.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by pilgrimsoul View Post
    Just had to repost this - this one little sentence says so much. Be who you are, honey, and go get your guy. You are good enough for him just the way you are. What's important here is that YOU know it, regardless of how your relationship with him turns out.
    Amen.

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    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
    )

    I'm so happy for you!! Please keep us posted on how it goes when you finally meet. Hope that love is in the stars for you.

  4. #44

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    Quote Originally Posted by haribobo View Post
    IMO it is not a good idea to say, well I hate my body, I have low self esteem, but I am in love with this guy so how do I break it to him gently that I hate my body? That's not at all the right way to go about things. Get your mind and body right, see a trainer and therapist if at all financially possible, work on confidence, THEN go after the guy when you're in a better state. Of course people will say he likes me for me, and I'm sure he does like your personality, but attraction is an important factor in a relationship too. Eventually something is going to break down if one or the other person hates themselves. Work on the confidence, work on yourself first, relationship comes later. And don't flake out!
    Interesting theory. But you're assuming that people in relationships have their mind and body in the'right' state and if they don't, the relationships won't last.

    Trust me, there are many imperfect people in lasting relationships and many single people out there would will die before they've figured everything out and got it all right.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
    Glad to hear it. I hope your meeting goes well. Hope for us all!

  6. #46

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    Quote Originally Posted by taf2002 View Post
    YAY! He sounds like a keeper.
    He does!
    I'm happy for you, too.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Japanfan View Post
    Interesting theory. But you're assuming that people in relationships have their mind and body in the'right' state and if they don't, the relationships won't last.

    Trust me, there are many imperfect people in lasting relationships and many single people out there would will die before they've figured everything out and got it all right.
    Especially since NO ONE thinks their body is perfect. "I'm going to lose ten pounds/dye my hair/get a nose job/whatever physical modification and then I'll be happy" is a recipe for disaster when you discover that you're just ten pounds lighter/blonde/have a tiny nose and your life STILL sucks.

    There are plenty of people who are "imperfect" (whatever that means) who are happy, and plenty obsessing over being perfect who are miserable. 99% of it is not about starving yourself (NO SANE DIETICIAN will recommend any sort of extended juice fast, because it is not a healthy way of eating, that's just reality--all extreme diets are bad for you and you cannot maintain them--seriously, I like juicing things, but just eating the vegetables works, too) and hitting the gym until you're ready for the Iron Man Triathalon, it's about getting in a healthy MENTAL place where you don't hate your body no matter what shape it's in (as you're never going to always be healthy, thin, fat, etc.) And while there ARE people who are so mentally distrubed they should be in therapy until they can be trusted in public, the OP does not sound like one of them. There is no magic number on a scale or percentage of the day you feel happy you must reach before you should try to establish relationships with others.

  8. #48

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    Yay, tracylynn!

  9. #49
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    I don't think you should TELL him anything. A sure way to guarantee that you'll never see this man again is to unload your body issues on him! Men (well, women too) do not like dealing with someone else's insecurities, neurosis, and major issues. Just honor his request and send him the most flattering full body shot you have. If he has a problem with it, better to find out sooner than later. I'm guessing he won't, just based on what you've said about him.

    I also agree with those who've said that your real challenge should be to learn to accept yourself as you are, while working toward a healthier lifestyle.

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guinevere View Post
    That makes me so happy for you!!! (((Hugs))) Good luck!!!

    I think everyone understands body issues, we all have them and probably always will. I envy those people who are truly not affected by how they look. I, for one, am obsessed with how short my legs are, I always think nothing makes me look good because they're so short and I scrutinize every reflection I see of myself to see how badly short my legs look. I'd compare my legs to every other girl out there to see how mine compared to hers and just burn with envy when I saw long, thin legs. Then I was reading this Weight Watchers blog (I'm also trying to lose weight)and this one blogger had this great post about how she hated her legs for the longest time because they weren't how she wanted them to look. But one day realized her legs have never done anything wrong to her, they've taken her everywhere she needed to go and done everything she wanted so why does she hate them? Kinda made me realize that I'm hating my legs for no good reason too.
    I had to laugh at this because I bet your legs aren't as short as you think they are. I have a friend who also bemoans her short legs - she actually refuses to wear anything short because she hates the way her legs look that much. Even my mom commented on it because she saw us together when it was close to 100F out...and my friend was in full length jeans. She's always said how she wished she had my legs because they're long.

    We were bored late one night and started measuring ourselves and IMing each other with the results. And whaddya know, her legs are actually the same length as mine! She COULD NOT believe it and made me double check! I LOLed myself into the following Thursday. Actually it still makes me We determined my legs just look longer because I have more contrast between my knee/ankle and calf measurements, not that they're actually long. So it's likely that your legs aren't that short, you just have a lot of muscle attached to your knees and ankles.

    I know what you mean though. I finally got over the "I have no boobs I'll never be attractive to guys" neuroses after college, but I still go a little inside when I see a girl with a teeny tiny waist. I'm skinny and you can see my ribs, why don't I have a tiny waist dammit? And yes, my waist is quantifiably large, I recently had to punch an extra hole into a belt because it wasn't big enough, and I always always always wear an S on top. But my ribcage holds in my internal organs, so it's pretty important. Although I still maintain it really doesn't have to be this wide to do so.

    Since removing ribs and shaving the top of my pelvis is a really stupid idea, I think the only way to fix that is to make my waist look smaller compared to the rest of my body. Bigger hips, that's the answer! And yeah, I like to joke about it too. People think skinny girls don't have stretch marks or are all built the same, and I go, "Hold up, I will prove you wrong!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Japanfan View Post
    Interesting theory. But you're assuming that people in relationships have their mind and body in the'right' state and if they don't, the relationships won't last.

    Trust me, there are many imperfect people in lasting relationships and many single people out there would will die before they've figured everything out and got it all right.
    Exactly. When I was single I thought I had to be perfect to find a man, but it's just that I hadn't found someone mutually compatible with my imperfection.

  11. #51

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    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
    Good. Now you have that out of the way and can go onto other things.

    Best of luck.

  12. #52

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    I agree with Angelskates. Tell him what you told us. Your honesty and sensitivity are what made him like you in the first place.

    He may not even be surprised. Your excuses about not sending pics may have tipped him off that you are feeling insecure about your appearance.

  13. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    I know what you mean though. I finally got over the "I have no boobs I'll never be attractive to guys" neuroses after college, but I still go a little inside when I see a girl with a teeny tiny waist. I'm skinny and you can see my ribs, why don't I have a tiny waist dammit? And yes, my waist is quantifiably large, I recently had to punch an extra hole into a belt because it wasn't big enough, and I always always always wear an S on top. But my ribcage holds in my internal organs, so it's pretty important. Although I still maintain it really doesn't have to be this wide to do so.

    Since removing ribs and shaving the top of my pelvis is a really stupid idea, I think the only way to fix that is to make my waist look smaller compared to the rest of my body. Bigger hips, that's the answer! And yeah, I like to joke about it too. People think skinny girls don't have stretch marks or are all built the same, and I go, "Hold up, I will prove you wrong!"
    It's a universal law: What some people prize, others despise. I have a very large waist-to-hip ratio, always have. When I was in high school, I termed it "ridgy butt action" because every time I bought a dress, it rode up over my butt. If pants fit in the hips/butt, they gape in the waist. I'm an XL top but 18/20 bottom. It's a combination of a slightly swayed back, overweight skater butt and straight-up genetics.

    We can't win for trying!

  14. #54

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    Quote Originally Posted by skaternum View Post
    I don't think you should TELL him anything. A sure way to guarantee that you'll never see this man again is to unload your body issues on him! Men (well, women too) do not like dealing with someone else's insecurities, neurosis, and major issues. Just honor his request and send him the most flattering full body shot you have.
    I don't agree. To me, one of the great things about having a partner, or even a friend, is having someone to share your insecurities, neurosis, and major issues with - and having someone to support me through them. And the minor issues too.

  15. #55
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    He has seen a body pic of me and he doesn't mind. Today I realized something..he calls me hun a lot.

  16. #56

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    Quote Originally Posted by skaternum View Post
    I don't think you should TELL him anything. A sure way to guarantee that you'll never see this man again is to unload your body issues on him!
    She told him, he said it didn't bother him, she sent him a full body pic, and he still calls her hun.

    So there.

  17. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by vesperholly View Post
    It's a universal law: What some people prize, others despise. I have a very large waist-to-hip ratio, always have. When I was in high school, I termed it "ridgy butt action" because every time I bought a dress, it rode up over my butt. If pants fit in the hips/butt, they gape in the waist. I'm an XL top but 18/20 bottom. It's a combination of a slightly swayed back, overweight skater butt and straight-up genetics.

    We can't win for trying!
    Well I don't think anyone would "prize" having a large waist, but you're right. It's really just me being picky, because nobody ever notices my large waist until I point it out myself. They only see how skinny I am and assume that my waist must be tiny too. Honestly, the perception should be enough, right?

    Which proves another point - nobody will ever feel they're "perfect." People who actively try to attain it end up like Heidi Montag, a caricature of a human.

    Quote Originally Posted by Angelskates View Post
    I don't agree. To me, one of the great things about having a partner, or even a friend, is having someone to share your insecurities, neurosis, and major issues with - and having someone to support me through them. And the minor issues too.
    Sure, but at the same time, even if something really bothers you, it doesn't help to be griping about it 24/7 either. Like, my friend only specifically bemoaned to me about her short legs once or twice, but I notice that she never wears shorts so I put 2 and 2 together. It wasn't like she brought it up every time she saw someone else wearing shorts. Then she'd just look certifiable.

    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    He has seen a body pic of me and he doesn't mind. Today I realized something..he calls me hun a lot.
    And you were worried about him rejecting you just because of a pic! There's a level of closeness where you can trust someone, and you've definitely crossed that threshold a while ago.

    Also, you're doing yourself a disservice by thinking that he simply "doesn't mind" it. He could like you for you - ALL of you.

  18. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
    Yay!That's great! I wish you the best of luck.

  19. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angelskates View Post
    I don't agree. To me, one of the great things about having a partner, or even a friend, is having someone to share your insecurities, neurosis, and major issues with - and having someone to support me through them. And the minor issues too.
    If you've never met in person and are just getting to know each other, don't dump "This is my body, I'm unhappy about it, I think I'm fat/ugly/old/whatever, but I'm working on it, I promise!" That just says "Wow, neurotic loser, run far away!" It also, if unbeknownst to you they find your photos attractive, is saying "Your taste sucks if you think THIS is hot."

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    Quote Originally Posted by tracylynn View Post
    Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.
    I'm happy for you!
    When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming." I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed."
    Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

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