Advice needed on telling someone about one's body

[haribobo]

That's not a documentary, that's a commercial for a juicer. (One that while it DOES work quite well is a b*tch to clean.)

And nice, automatically assuming she has 'body problems' solved by a "diet" that's not at all healthy. I'm sure an eating disorder would solve all her problems.

My blender/juicer thing is super easy to clean- I got the Ninja and the blades part slides right out so you just have to rinse the blender and blades seperately. It was $40 and I love it.

The website is like a commercial but the documentary is on netflix and its amazing. Juicing is extremely healthy, whether you do the fast (for which the website gives you instructions on how to prepare for it- personally its a bit drastic to take on for me but obviously it worked for everyone AND improved their overall health, not just weight loss) or just supplement your diet with it, which is what I'm doing so I can still have protein and whatnot.

IMO it is not a good idea to say, well I hate my body, I have low self esteem, but I am in love with this guy so how do I break it to him gently that I hate my body? That's not at all the right way to go about things. Get your mind and body right, see a trainer and therapist if at all financially possible, work on confidence, THEN go after the guy when you're in a better state. Of course people will say he likes me for me, and I'm sure he does like your personality, but attraction is an important factor in a relationship too. Eventually something is going to break down if one or the other person hates themselves. Work on the confidence, work on yourself first, relationship comes later. And don't flake out!

OR, maybe you already look awesome but you just have a problem seeing it. In which case, therapy.

[Prancer]

IMO it is not a good idea to say, well I hate my body, I have low self esteem, but I am in love with this guy so how do I break it to him gently that I hate my body? That's not at all the right way to go about things. Get your mind and body right, see a trainer and therapist if at all financially possible, work on confidence, THEN go after the guy when you're in a better state.

Well, that might be good advice in some instances, I suppose, but if she wants THIS guy, I think she needs to do something a little sooner. Putting him off for months while she sees a therapist and a trainer and all that is not particularly feasible. She's already been putting him off; you can only do that for so long.

I think tracylynn's dilemma comes down to this: Telling him will be hard to do, and it might end badly. But if you don't take that risk, it will inevitably end, anyway, although it might be less painful that way. Is this relationship worth the risk? Only tracylynn knows the answer to that one. I would say tell him, because if I didn't tell, I would go crazy later wondering what might have been. But that's me; I have to KNOW. What if it ended up that he loved me just as I was? What if we could have been happy together? You won't know unless you try.

[liv]

As hard as it is, just come clean. Being open and honest to someone who has already been very honest with you is the best policy. It's made him vulnerable to you, and guys don't do that too willingly.

There's no shame in saying you've had some issues with your weight and you're trying to do something about it, but finding it difficult. And what better way to find out what he's really like than to see how he responds to that. If he sees it as an opportunity to support you, or help motivate you, then you know he cares about YOU.

Like others have said, there's a risk in telling him, but there's also the risk in not telling him and you've got to give him the chance.

[Anita18]

Everyone has different standards of what is attractive. I did on-line dating ages ago, and a guy I met in person told me I was a lot "heavier" than he expected (I am 5'8" and was 135 at the time, oh, yeah, so heavy, grrrr).

Yeah, those would be one of those immature teenage doofuses I was referring to. You are much better off without him!

I say take a nice pic of yourself and send it to him.I was alot heavier than I am now about 2 years ago and I had to tell a guy "Hey look I'm not stick thin".I think i was a 14/16 at that point(baby weight),he walked away.Then he wanted to be friends again once he found out I had lost all my baby weight(sz 6/8 now).Whatever LOL Guys like that aren't worth your time.So,just show him and if he walks away,let him. He may like you just the way you are The guys that stick with you whether you are a 14/16 or a 8 are the ones worth having around. I will second(or third or whatever) what someone said about owning this time in your life. Dress the body you have now and don't wait till you are the weight you want to be to feel good and confident about yourself and your body.I know it's hard to do.But no matter the size,you are still beautiful and unique. Good luck!

Or someone who sticks with you when you're teetering at the 00 mark because you've been sick for months and can't eat anything (go out to eat? Pfft!) or do anything physically strenuous without feeling like you're going to puke.

That's the guy worth keeping.

IMO it is not a good idea to say, well I hate my body, I have low self esteem, but I am in love with this guy so how do I break it to him gently that I hate my body? That's not at all the right way to go about things. Get your mind and body right, see a trainer and therapist if at all financially possible, work on confidence, THEN go after the guy when you're in a better state. Of course people will say he likes me for me, and I'm sure he does like your personality, but attraction is an important factor in a relationship too. Eventually something is going to break down if one or the other person hates themselves. Work on the confidence, work on yourself first, relationship comes later. And don't flake out!

I didn't quite understand this when I was single - I too thought that I had be "perfect" and had to have everything figured out before I could be in a relationship. A friend of mine (recently married her bf of 10 years) told me that you don't have to be perfect, you just have to accept each other the way you are, and be willing to go on the journey of life together.

I mean, it isn't like you're a commodity, where the "has it all figured out" person is somehow more valuable. We're all human, and perfection is overrated (and unattainable) anyway.

[AxelAnnie]

I wouldn't tell him what you weigh - I'd explain exactly what you explained to us, see what he says, and then maybe send a photo.

Ditto that. Great advice.

[Louise]

That's not a documentary, that's a commercial for a juicer. (One that while it DOES work quite well is a b*tch to clean.) .

Thank you, just watched it last week. Not impressed. I'm sure ANYONE would lose weight if they did not eat a balanced diet for 3 months or whatever and just drank 'juice'. But where does that leave you when you go back to actually, uh, EATING?

I want to lose weight, I'd love to lose 50 pounds that I've gained over the last decade, but the hell I'm going to starve myself with 'juices' for 3 months.

Tracylynn, you absolutely need to send a full body pic before he sees you. Everyone strategically puts up their best non-fat pics. But if this man is meeting you with romantic intentions, you cannot, CANNOT show up and have him shell-shocked. I know it sounds brutal, but you are who you are, and it's better he sees who you are before he meets you. No one likes an unexpected surprise.

And hon, we all have body issues, well most of us do. I've learned my 'place' in the pecking order. But I would never carry on a would-be relationship online with someone without them knowing the entire me. He might not care if you are overweight. But he might be repulsed. And it's not that he's a jerk, maybe he envisions you in his head as looking a certain way. You definitely cannot just meet him without warning. It's not fair to him, and it will only hurt you when you see the disappointment on his face.

I'm not saying send him a bikini pic, but lord... Send him a full body picture, one that accurately represents your body type, and say something like "This is me. I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be, stress and stress eating is my enemy, but I'm happy with who I am."

And sexual attraction is so random. I find myself to be exceedingly attracted to unattractive men, but who have a confidence and chutzpah. Nice teeth help too. But he might not care, but for heaven's sake do not make this a disastrous first meeting. It's not fair to him. If I can be so rude, how tall are you and how much do you weigh? Can you pull off the weight with confidence? Or is this beyond hope? Let us know.

[Anita18]

And hon, we all have body issues, well most of us do. I've learned my 'place' in the pecking order. But I would never carry on a would-be relationship online with someone without them knowing the entire me. He might not care if you are overweight. But he might be repulsed. And it's not that he's a jerk, maybe he envisions you in his head as looking a certain way. You definitely cannot just meet him without warning. It's not fair to him, and it will only hurt you when you see the disappointment on his face.

I'm not saying send him a bikini pic, but lord... Send him a full body picture, one that accurately represents your body type, and say something like "This is me. I'm a bit heavier than I'd like to be, stress and stress eating is my enemy, but I'm happy with who I am."

Yes, this is exactly how I'd word it, aside from maybe an addition of "and I'm working on it."

[haribobo]

Thank you, just watched it last week. Not impressed. I'm sure ANYONE would lose weight if they did not eat a balanced diet for 3 months or whatever and just drank 'juice'. But where does that leave you when you go back to actually, uh, EATING?

I want to lose weight, I'd love to lose 50 pounds that I've gained over the last decade, but the hell I'm going to starve myself with 'juices' for 3 months.

It actually tastes pretty good to me, and it doesn't really feel like starving after a couple days getting used to it- they are very filling. If I had 50 pounds to lose, I'd do a modified version of it, prolly eggs and wheat toast in addition to the juices. People always say "oh that's crazy" until they get knocked down by a serious health matter and realize they should have tried some things like this or at spent a few of those hours on the couch at the gym or jogging in the park instead. Not saying that's your situation, nor am I saying its easy, but its WORTH IT.

As for the juice diet, the idea is that you break your habits and cravings of the crap fast food/burgers/hot dogs/sugar/soda/caffeine and just get the nutrients in your body. Then you transition back to a diet where you are still having the juices and add in some healthy foods. Obviously if you go back to eating crap then you're pretty much an idiot that wants to get diabetes.

[Aussie Willy]

I would tell him that I am Rubenesque (as in the art style). That is what I do if anyone asks me for a description of my body.

[tracylynn]

Thanks everyone! I will tell him how I look. He texted me while I was at work asking where his pic was but I was not able to respond to him at that time. I will say that I have told him a few times that I didn't like my pics and he always would respond that he didn't care, but I told him I did. As for my head shot, well, someone at work took and, IMO, it was an ok pic. I was smiling, which is unusual for me, but I hated my hair.

I know I have issues which I would love to talk to a therapist but I cannot afford it. My weight and self esteem issues basically stems from the fact that I was assault as a child. I have been trying to work through that but it's hard. I know I will get through it one day.

Thanks!

[Louise]

I'm very sorry to hear that Tracylynn. I get so tired of people who say to someone who was assaulted years ago to "move on, get over it". The problem is that a child's brain just goes kaput when that happens. You build your defense mechanisms at such an early age, your means of coping, and it truly ends up clouding the rest of your life no matter how much therapy or personal will you put into changing it. Some victims go one way, a hyperintense overachieving neurotic, or a scared how-to-hide-myself whether it's eating/drinking/drugs. Or a combination, of course.

But good for you, and it's great that you are interacting with this man. You are trying. But please, be honest, send him a real picture, but do NOT be upset if he rejects you physically. He could still be a good friend, pen pal. It bears repeating, sexual attraction is so random, you could look like Demi Moore and he could say "Eh, let's just be friends". So don't be upset of a physical rejection. You might not even be heavy enough to his taste! Think of it that way. Attraction is strange. I once went out on a blind date and was rejected because I was too thin. He was like, oh, I thought you had a more substantial body. Like, what? I've been starving myself to get in shape to look good on this date, only to be dissed for being too thin?!?!

Good luck, and be happy with who you are, because you clearly can effectively reach people. You have a good heart, and that goes a long way to finding love and friendship.

[tracylynn]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

[milanessa]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

[nursebetty]

Good-Luck

[BigB08822]

That's wonderful news, best of luck!

[Bonita]

ITA with any relationship, no matter whether you're a supermodel or not "perfect," it's all about chemistry - not even so much sexual (at my stage in life still important, but not the be all) - it's more about values, making compromises and supporting each other - whether it's friendship or something more kinky. No relationship lasts without good values that match, whether friend, family or lover.

[Anita18]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

Must be a relief, but yes. Trusting him was definitely the right way to go.

[taf2002]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

YAY! He sounds like a keeper.

[Badams]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

that is great news.

[Guinevere]

Update: He knows and his response was that he did not care. He asked me why I thought it would it bothered him. I feel silly but I feel better now. Thanks for the advice. I really needed it.

That makes me so happy for you!!! (((Hugs))) Good luck!!!

I think everyone understands body issues, we all have them and probably always will. I envy those people who are truly not affected by how they look. I, for one, am obsessed with how short my legs are, I always think nothing makes me look good because they're so short and I scrutinize every reflection I see of myself to see how badly short my legs look. I'd compare my legs to every other girl out there to see how mine compared to hers and just burn with envy when I saw long, thin legs. Then I was reading this Weight Watchers blog (I'm also trying to lose weight)and this one blogger had this great post about how she hated her legs for the longest time because they weren't how she wanted them to look. But one day realized her legs have never done anything wrong to her, they've taken her everywhere she needed to go and done everything she wanted so why does she hate them? Kinda made me realize that I'm hating my legs for no good reason too.