Advice needed on telling someone about one's body

[tracylynn]

Let me just say that I'm more of a reader on this board than a poster. I really feel like I don't have much to contribute to posts so that I is why I normally just read the posts. I do think there is some good advice that is given here and that is why I am now asking for advice.

Here goes..I befriended a soldier a few years ago through a program where I would send this soldier care packages every month. Well, this soldier and I ended up having a lot in common and we would share things. He's even told me things that he hasn't told anyone else, and I do believe that because of what he told me. We've talked on the phone and have flirted with each other at times. I really do enjoy talking to this guy and he's even invited me to come visit him in Boston since I've always wanted to go there and visit the historical sites.

The issue is my looks. He knows what my face looks like but not my body. He has asked for more pics and I always give him an excuse about why I didn't send a pic. I haven't sent him a pic because I am overweight and I am ashamed in how I look. I am trying to lose weight but it's hard. I know I do need to tell him about my body but I don't know how I should do it. Should I send him a pic or just tell him? I know I need to do this soon but I am afraid that he will stop talking to me. Part of me feels like he should have an idea that I am overweight since I keep giving him excuses for not sending him a pic (excuses like."oh, my camera broke', "phone is not charged" "left the camera/phone at my folks house" and so on). But I also know that if he walks away from me then he's not worth being a friend. So, how would you tell someone about your body? In case you are wandering, yeah, I do have very low self-esteem. I've always have and always will.

Thanks!

[nubka]

It's tough, but I would tell him. Hopefully, he will respond in a positive way. If he doesn't, it's better to find out now than later. I was really overweight for most of my 30's and 40's. I know what it's like, and what the constant struggle to loose weight is like. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Satellitegirl]

I agree about telling him asap. Even if you don't send him a pic, at least tell him how much you weigh, so he has an idea. As nubka said, it's better to find out now, rather than later(for you, that is).

[Angelskates]

I wouldn't tell him what you weigh - I'd explain exactly what you explained to us, see what he says, and then maybe send a photo.

[Anita18]

I don't think he needs specifics either - not everyone has a good gauge of how weight looks on people anyway. Actually, in my experience guys have NO idea how weight looks on a woman. Like, absolutely no inkling. Telling him your weight will achieve nothing.

Even though I have pretty normal self-esteem, I find the best way to disclose something I'm embarrassed about is to joke about it a little. I'm quite the opposite of overweight, but instead of hiding how boy-like my body is, I joke how people can do laundry on my chest. Humor automatically relaxes everyone involved.

But even if you don't want to go quite that far, honesty is always the best policy in these cases, especially when you think you're going to meet someone in person. Just be honest, and if you're embarrassed about it, feel free to tell him. If he's told you things he's never told anyone else, I think he'd hope that you could confide in him as well. It'd be quite another thing if you'd just met him online and didn't have that sort of closeness, but since you're already pretty close, it's highly unlikely he'll walk away just because of how your body looks.

[Japanfan]

I just want to give you a hug, tracylynn.

Be honest with him, but please don't be hard on yourself.

There are plenty of people out there who care more about who a person is than what they look like. As women we learn to judge ourselves based on how we look. But in truth, lots of men judge us much less harshly. Yes, there are plenty of jerks out there, but that is not all of men.

You've developed a special friendship with this man, trust in that and be yourself.

[haribobo]

Watch this documentary and start juicing.

http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

The guy isn't your problem, your body problems are. Tackle that, then see where you can go with the relationship. In the meantime, keep the friendship going.

[joeperryfan]

In general head shots give some clue about someone's weight, so it's unlikely he is expecting you to be stick thin and with your avoidance of the issue it's probably making him wonder. My advice? Take a nice photo of yourself if you don't have one already, by nice I mean in flattering light, wearing flattering clothes, make-up if you like it, with a nice smile and a happy look. Looking happy is a lot more important than whatever your weight is, if you look depressed it just doesn't help at all. The trust you have built over time won't wear off over a few pounds, he won't stop liking you. Guys usually don't care about looks as much as we think, and those who do aren't worth your time anyway.

Good luck and remember the one making a big deal about this is you, not him.

[snoopy]

Tracylynn - I suspect you may think larger women aren’t supposed to be in relationships and that is fueling self-doubt. But all kinds of overweight women are in relationships, married, etc. Look around you for some examples and take some comfort in that. You don’t have to be a trailblazer, all kinds of people fall in love all the time. And guys have a wider range as to what they consider attractive than women do IME.

[Scintillation]

One tip: guys like confidence.

[Veronika]

In general head shots give some clue about someone's weight, so it's unlikely he is expecting you to be stick thin and with your avoidance of the issue it's probably making him wonder.

Good luck and remember the one making a big deal about this is you, not him.

Tracylynn - I suspect you may think larger women aren’t supposed to be in relationships and that is fueling self-doubt. But all kinds of overweight women are in relationships, married, etc.

Both great points...it's only a big deal if you make it one. He may not care about extra weight--not every guy does. I think we believe that men care about perfect bodies all of the time--but to a lot of them, a perfect female body is mostly about a fantasy.

My husband is one of those guys who doesn't. I beat myself up about my weight, but he never chides me for it and still loves my body.

[Anita18]

In general head shots give some clue about someone's weight, so it's unlikely he is expecting you to be stick thin and with your avoidance of the issue it's probably making him wonder. My advice? Take a nice photo of yourself if you don't have one already, by nice I mean in flattering light, wearing flattering clothes, make-up if you like it, with a nice smile and a happy look. Looking happy is a lot more important than whatever your weight is, if you look depressed it just doesn't help at all. The trust you have built over time won't wear off over a few pounds, he won't stop liking you. Guys usually don't care about looks as much as we think, and those who do aren't worth your time anyway.

Good luck and remember the one making a big deal about this is you, not him.

Exactly. If he isn't totally clueless, he'll already have some idea of your size by your headshot anyway. People can pick out my own size when I'm covered head-to-toe in puffy winter clothes. I have no idea how they do it because you can't see any outline of anything, but apparently it's very obvious from my face shape and my wrist size.

Both great points...it's only a big deal if you make it one. He may not care about extra weight--not every guy does. I think we believe that men care about perfect bodies all of the time--but to a lot of them, a perfect female body is mostly about a fantasy.

My husband is one of those guys who doesn't. I beat myself up about my weight, but he never chides me for it and still loves my body.

Most men don't care. Some do, but they're on the whole immature teenage doofuses who've never encountered a real-life woman in the flesh. Any woman is better off without such a man.

My own bf doesn't care that I'm built like a boy and even thinks I have curves.

Tracylynn - I suspect you may think larger women aren’t supposed to be in relationships and that is fueling self-doubt. But all kinds of overweight women are in relationships, married, etc. Look around you for some examples and take some comfort in that. You don’t have to be a trailblazer, all kinds of people fall in love all the time. And guys have a wider range as to what they consider attractive than women do IME.

Definitely. One of my classmates is overweight and her bf is a (who I'm presuming to be hot) Marine. Well I've never met him, but at the very least he'd have to be in good shape. It doesn't matter how much she weighs, her weight is actually probably the last thing I'd use to describe her, because her upbeat and optimistic personality trumps any of that.

Also, my ex-bf preferred an overweight, extremely well-endowed girl over skinny-minny me. To him, she's super-hot the way she is. Why he even had an attraction for me (who is the complete opposite of his "type") in the first place is a mystery, but guys are strange that way and sometimes body type doesn't matter at all.

You already have something special going on with this guy. Trust him.

[BigB08822]

It is possible to have head shots that are quite misleading. Especially if this is ones intent. Not saying tracylynn is doing this, but if she is worried about her body then she probably only sends pictures which she thinks are the most flattering. Natural. My cousin is quite large and you wouldn't know it from her FB pics. You can tell she isn't skinny but trust me, you have no idea just how big she is from those pics.

[OliviaPug]

My advice to anyone who has physical insecurities and wants to get to know someone better is to befriend them, get to know them, see if you have chemistry and like interests and click. Once you connect with someone, the more surface issues fall away and become less important.

tracylynn, you've ALREADY clicked with this guy. You are beyond the superficial. Trust in that friendship as best you can and send a photo like the one Japanfan suggests.

It really sounds like you want to take the next step with this guy. If that's true, then it will never happen if you keep avoiding the weight issue and you'll be no further along then you are now. So take the next step.

Good luck!

O-

[Cheylana]

Some of my best friends are very overweight and have always had active dating lives, and are happily married. Meanwhile skinny me has trouble finding a date. It's all in the self-confidence. You say you have bad self esteem and will always have bad self esteem, but that doesn't have to be true. You might want to seek some counseling to sort through these issues.

As for the guy, I would send the most flattering full-body photo you have. No apologies, no explanations. Don't send a note explaining you are afraid he'll dump you if he knows you are overweight--that screams low self-confidence. This is where you are in your life; own it.

Hugs!!!

[pilgrimsoul]

This is where you are in your life; own it.

Just had to repost this - this one little sentence says so much. Be who you are, honey, and go get your guy. You are good enough for him just the way you are. What's important here is that YOU know it, regardless of how your relationship with him turns out.

[Bonita]

I would just send a flattering picture and let that do the talking.

Everyone has different standards of what is attractive. I did on-line dating ages ago, and a guy I met in person told me I was a lot "heavier" than he expected (I am 5'8" and was 135 at the time, oh, yeah, so heavy, grrrr).

I have a friend who only date overweight women. He says there's more to love. Like everyone said, you are you. That should be enough. It is incredibly difficult to lose weight, I lost 30 pounds at one point and that was so hard.

[danceronice]

Watch this documentary and start juicing.

http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

The guy isn't your problem, your body problems are. Tackle that, then see where you can go with the relationship. In the meantime, keep the friendship going.

That's not a documentary, that's a commercial for a juicer. (One that while it DOES work quite well is a b*tch to clean.)

And nice, automatically assuming she has 'body problems' solved by a "diet" that's not at all healthy. I'm sure an eating disorder would solve all her problems.

I agree with Anita, snoopy, Cheylana et al. Send him a picture, don't apologize or make excuses. Don't crash-diet, don't make excuses, just send a picture. If you want to work on fitness (as opposed to 'lose weight any way you can') work on that for yourself, not out of fear of what someone else might think of you.

[skatesindreams]

I echo pilgrimsoul's wise counsel.
Be confident; and go for it.

If he doesn't respond positively, he's not the person for you.

[Andrushka]

I say take a nice pic of yourself and send it to him.I was alot heavier than I am now about 2 years ago and I had to tell a guy "Hey look I'm not stick thin".I think i was a 14/16 at that point(baby weight),he walked away.Then he wanted to be friends again once he found out I had lost all my baby weight(sz 6/8 now).Whatever LOL Guys like that aren't worth your time.So,just show him and if he walks away,let him. He may like you just the way you are The guys that stick with you whether you are a 14/16 or a 8 are the ones worth having around. I will second(or third or whatever) what someone said about owning this time in your life. Dress the body you have now and don't wait till you are the weight you want to be to feel good and confident about yourself and your body.I know it's hard to do.But no matter the size,you are still beautiful and unique. Good luck!