hosting etiquette?

[genevieve]

Btw..my two cents on the kid thing. No kids mean no kids. If I'm invited and I am told not to bring the children I'm expecting a different type of gathering, a more adult evening. I'm going to be disappointed to show up and see four children sitting there because it changes the type of party I planned on going to.

I agree with this

[backspin]

Others have had really great advice for you. My only thought was--people tend to either love sushi or hate it. What are the odds 35 people are all going to love it? A different venue or party at home where you have a sushi platter plus some other food to choose from might be nice for those who inevitably will be in the "hate it" camp.

[Jojo]

I totally agree with the kids thing. When I had my party, it was an adults only thing. My son spent the evening with two friends and a babysitter, with pizza and the like. They played X-Box and had a grand old time. Much better than sitting around in a restaurant, having to behave himself.

No kids will allow you, the host, the birthday boy and the parents of the kids to enjoy themselves much more, and relax.

[luna_skater]

As an adult, never in a million years would I expect that the host would be paying for my meal if I was invited to a birthday *supper* at a restaurant--where you are ordering for yourself off a menu. If I was invited to a party at a venue that was not someone's house, I would simply expect to be paying for my own food and drinks, and would be pleasantly surprised if that was not the case. When I was a kid, it was usually the expectation that the host parents would foot the bill.

That said--if I showed up at a party and food/appetizers were simply being served TO me throughout the evening, or were available on some kind of side table, I would probably assume that's on the host, and would be pretty peeved if I was hit with a bill on my way out.

Loosely related example: a few years ago, an acquaintance of mine was having her birthday at a sushi restaurant, where you learned how to make your own sushi. The invitation was up front about the fact it cost $50/person. If we were very close friends, I would have sucked up the cost, but since we barely knew each other at the time, I didn't feel bad about declining since I couldn't afford it. However, for a close, dear friend, I'd show up regardless of the cost, or any possibly ambiguous wording on the invitation.

[taf2002]

I agree with the no kids thing. I said no kids at my wedding & 3 people brought their kids anyway. My reception had small kids running thru the place & making noise. Besides, the people who did get a babysitter were not pleased.

I was raised that you don't ask a guest to pay for anything. But you could provide something like beer &/or wine, & then if people want something else they could go to the bar on their own. Or you could have it in a hall or at someone' home a lot cheaper than a restaurant.

[skatemommy]

I'd check with the restarant as well. With a large group you may not be able to get individual checks. Count me in with the sushi platter, buffet at a home with box wine and case beer. Nitendo den for the kids. Spend the $ on a vaca!

[julieann]

I guess I'm an old fuddy duddy on this. Are these people your guests or are you asking them to co-host the party?

If the latter, you need to be really, really clear. "A group is getting together to honor Joe's 40th. The event is at place X. Cost is Y per person. Please RSVP to me no later than date."

A normal invitation would read "Please join us at X to honor Joe's 40th" and the person receiving such an invitation would expect to be a guest, not a co-host.

Exactly. Make it crystal clear what the deal is and what is expected.

Btw..my two cents on the kid thing. No kids mean no kids. If I'm invited and I am told not to bring the children I'm expecting a different type of gathering, a more adult evening. I'm going to be disappointed to show up and see four children sitting there because it changes the type of party I planned on going to. Any reason they can't also find a babysitter?

ITA!

[Garden Kitty]

I'd have no problem if friends wanted to get together to celebrate dinner and in that situation, I'd expect everyone to pay. But if I initiate an invitation as a host, I'd expect to pay. However, I strongly believe you shouldn't spend more than you can easily afford on this type of party.

If you want a big group, then have a party at someone's house with catered food that you can afford. Or invite a smaller group to a dinner party.

[Cupid]

Are we sure all these guests even like sushi? I can see people trying it and not liking it and wasting it. A sushi or Japanese restaurant would probably be the most expensive type of restaurant to hold a party. Maybe try another venue, and just immediate or close friends to the restaurant.-

[BittyBug]

Sushi is meant to be eaten fresh and as soon as possible after being prepared, and unless this restaurant has an army of chefs, it is going to be very difficult for them to churn out the volume needed for 35 people all at the same time. More likely they will be preparing items in advance and having them sit. In other words, a party for 35+ people would not only be expensive (and I think you need to plan for at least $50 per person, before tax and tip), but it's likely to not be as good it otherwise could be.

What about having the party with your 35 friends at a different, more reasonably-priced location, and then having a separate celebration for just the two of you (or perhaps another couple or two) at the sushi place?

[danceronice]

"Sushi" involves cooked product, vegetarian product, and not just raw fish. (In fact the word sushi refers to the vinegared rice.) I promise you in almost any sushi place except those sitting on a dock, it's been dead at minimum 24 hours and in most cases it's been frozen, too. As long as the fish is on ice, it is not THAT big a quality-control issue (and, again, doesn't actually have to be mostly/all raw fish.) A lot of the most popular maki (rolls) don't involve any fresh fish at all.

Now I could see hibachi or tempura for 35 being a colossal hassle. (And again, has the OP talked to the restaurant to see if $1500-2000 is actually what it would take? I'm guessing this is not the first event they've ever catered.)

[agalisgv]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I thought Woodstock was only asking about ettiquette re: chipping in for the meal. The venue and guest list seem set and agreed to by the bday honoree, so I'm not sure why people are going on about not having kids there or having the party at home as a potluck.

Anyhow, I think etiquette is contextual. If it's accepted practice in your social group for people to pay for their meal, then that's fine. It seems you already have indication that may be the case based on the comments some of your friends have made. If you're not sure, you could ask some more of your friends for feedback just to get a better sense. I would make the payment expectation clear, though, in the evite that goes out just so no one comes sans payment method and then is stuck. Cash bar is also fine I would think.


Good luck with it!

[milanessa]

Well, she did say she thought it was okay for the 4 children to be there when the guests will be asked to not bring children. That's a little strange.

I don't think the venue has been set. She said he hinted at a sushi place.

[FigureSpins]

IMO, if they're your guests, you pay for their meals.

Talk to the restaurant - afternoon or brunchtime parties are less expensive than a Saturday night affair. Buffets are cheaper than ordering off the menu. You might be surprised at the restaurant's cost for a private party.

Have the restaurant provide water, soda and maybe beer or wine as part of your bill. Anything else, the guests can buy themselves from the bar. We usually pay for the tips as well, which takes the "tip jar" off the bar as well.

As for the "no kids," it's really up to you. I can say in all honesty that, if you include the four "related" kids, a guest or two will feel slighted and several will respond "no" to the invitaton. If you can live with that, fine.

My brother recently hosted a milestone party for his significant other. My nieces and I helped him get it organized and researched, made a lot of suggestions and really helped plan, at his request. Just before the invitations went out, he announced (via a Facebook message) that there would be "absolutely no stinkin' kids."

My nieces and I live in other states, 2-9 hours away. Did he really think we'd hire a babysitter for the weekend or leave our kids alone in a hotel room? As a result, no one from our family attended the party; it just wasn't possible, logistically. He saved money by having fewer guests; maybe that was his intention.

We were insulted that he didn't think about the situation from our perspective, especially with the fact that we were asked to help plan the shindig. So, that's important to think about: if the friend and his wife who are helping your plan have kids of their own, feel them out about the "no kids except these four" idea.

My kids can't stand one of DH's cousins because she deliberately excludes them from all sorts of activities because they're not first cousins with her kids. She's insulted them on many occasions with her OCD tendency.

[agalisgv]

Well, she did say she thought it was okay for the 4 children to be there when the guests will be asked to not bring children. That's a little strange.

I don't think the venue has been set. She said he hinted at a sushi place.

True, the venue was only "strongly hinted" at, but the kiddie issue seemed decided:

we decided that the only kids present will be family-member children

Personally it doesn't strike me as strange, but ymmv. Either way it seems decided by the guest of honor.

[Cheylana]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I thought Woodstock was only asking about ettiquette re: chipping in for the meal. The venue and guest list seem set and agreed to by the bday honoree, so I'm not sure why people are going on about not having kids there or having the party at home as a potluck.

Woodstock is concerned about the expense. Getting rid of the kids or doing a potluck are ways to bring down the cost without sticking the guests with a party bill. Why do children need to be at a sushi restaurant anyway; it runs up the bill ordering sushi for them that they won't eat because it's "yucky."

If it's sit-down dinner with a set menu, then you should pay for all of it. Guests shouldn't be forced to chip in for food they haven't selected. Presumably they would bring gifts for your boyfriend. But if it's just people gathering to have a surprise dinner and they order their own meals, then they should just pay their portion of the bill; this way they can manage their own costs.

[Cheylana]

He then announced on Facebook that there would be "absolutely no stinkin' kids."

His choice, I wouldn't want small children at a formal event either, but wow, totally unnecessary to call the kids "stinkin'".

[BittyBug]

"Sushi" involves cooked product, vegetarian product, and not just raw fish. (In fact the word sushi refers to the vinegared rice.) I promise you in almost any sushi place except those sitting on a dock, it's been dead at minimum 24 hours and in most cases it's been frozen, too.

I wasn't talking about the fish, I was talking about the combination of the ingredients, whatever the topping may be (raw fish, cooked fish, egg, vegetables, whatever). The rice is supposed to still be warm, and it's very hard to hold that. And of course they've probably catered to large groups before - doesn't mean it was good or close the experience diners would have on a small scale in that restaurant.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I thought Woodstock was only asking about ettiquette re: chipping in for the meal. The venue and guest list seem set and agreed to by the bday honoree, so I'm not sure why people are going on about not having kids there or having the party at home as a potluck.

Because (a) it's a discussion, and discussions tend to branch out, (b) the venue does not in fact appear to "be set" - the OP only said that her BF had hinted that this particular restaurant would be a great place to have a party, (c) woodstock expressed concern about the costs of having a large event in this restaurant, so people are suggesting alternative ways to cut the costs other than asking guests to chip in since some, but not all, people view that as a breach of etiquette, and (d) kids and the presence of kids at events always sparks differing opinions.

At any rate, I'm sure woodstock is capable of ignoring any posts that she deems either irrelevant or not of interest (including mine, LOL).

[FigureSpins]

Why do children need to be at a sushi restaurant anyway; it runs up the bill ordering sushi for them that they won't eat because it's "yucky."

I'm always amazed at how many kids like sushi. I personally think it's disgusting, but my kids don't.

His choice, I wouldn't want small children at a formal event either, but wow, totally unnecessary to call the kids "stinkin'".

It wasn't a "formal" event - it was at a family restaurant that I suggested and used for parties at in the past. Parties that included his stinkin' kids. (That's literal - his ex-wife didn't believe in soap.) The place is very informal and excellent for accommodating kids.

My brother has some mental issues from health crises, so he just wasn't thinking, but it was still insulting that he's so clueless as to not think about the distance and childcare issues. Come to think of it, DH's first cousin works there - we probably could have gotten my brother a break on the bill. Oh well, he'll never know.

[agalisgv]

Why do children need to be at a sushi restaurant anyway;

Because apparently the guest of honor wants them there, and it's his party.

it runs up the bill ordering sushi for them that they won't eat because it's "yucky."

Depends on the kids I guess. Personally I've never seen kids do that. A lot of kids like sushi, but those that don't tend not to order up stuff they don't like. Plus there are only 4 kids total attending, so I suspect their bill would be minimal. Fwiw, when I eat sushi with my boys, the three of us eat for about $10. Course other family members (who shall remain nameless) can eat that much all by themselves, but that's a lot of sushi to eat then (in my opinion anyway).