Craigslist Friend

[SceneIt]

I'm meeting someone next week for drinks after work at a nearby mall, a halfway point between where we both work. I had placed an ad looking to expand my circle of friends (all 2 of them) and this woman responded saying that she too was recently divorced and looking for the same. I am going through a separation from my husband and it's been the toughest thing in my life so far.

I am quite nervous about this meeting. I really do need to get out more and make more friends. The two friends I have are great but they live aboute 45-1 hour from me so we can't get together as often as we'd like. This woman that responded to my ad actually lives out the same distance but I'm still willing to meet her.

Any tips, suggestions? Have you or anyone ever done that before, advertise for a friend? Ifeel so pathetic.

[Aceon6]

This can go really well or really badly. Pay special attention to the cues she gives and the types of questions she asks. Don't volunteer too much personal info until you get to know her more. Basically, treat it the same as meeting any other stranger. If you get a weird vibe, be pleasant and end the meeting as soon as you can.

My best friends are people I met through things I do for recreation and by volunteering for organizations I'm interested in. Have you tried that? The nice part about it is that you've already got something to talk about.

[GarrAarghHrumph]

A friend of mine does this a lot. For him, it's actually advertising for people to date, but more often than not, they end up becoming friends instead. He's met several people in this way. IMO, it's not pathetic. You're just using a new, modern-style "watering hole" to meet others.

Not all of the meet ups work out for him. But he's met some friends via this method, and he's still friends with them, so IMO, why not try?

It's proper to be cautious, as you are being. You're meeting in a public place, which is smart. Keep everything in that public space, and make sure that someone you know knows exactly where you are and when you'll be back. Don't give the person any truly personal details at this meeting - be cautious.

It's possible to meet people online and form friendships in RL. It can often work best if you do this via what I might call "affinity groups". For example, if you're wicked into figure skating (this being FSU, a logical guess), you could find out who here actually lives in your area and arrange a meet up, just as you did with this woman. So if you're very into, say, a particular show on tv, or knitting, or cooking, or whatever you like, see if there are any Internet chat rooms where fans tend to gather, and see what happens from there. There may even be meet ups or conventions or similar already happening, where you can arrange to meet those you've met via the web group.

There is also a web site called "Meet Up", where you can find get togethers of people who don't know each other, all of whom are interested in a specific thing, right in your area. http://www.meetup.com/ There are meet up groups for all sorts of stuff - Polish language groups, people in NY who ride horses, people in San Fran who like English bulldogs - you could check the site out and see if anything interests you.

[Matryeshka]

I was not in exactly the same situation, but I looked around one day and all of my friends were either married with children...or insensitive morons who still think they're 23 and are acting worse than they did when they were 23.

I've had great luck with this site: www.meetup.com. It lets you join groups that are of interest to you, or might be interesting. Some are also by age, religion and sex. For most group, you can look at past and future meet-ups and members' lists.

I don't think you're pathetic AT ALL--I think you're very brave. So many women just sit at home instead of putting themselves out there and trying to expand their circle of friends. Hope it works out for you, and even if it doesn't, at least it's an adventure.

[BigB08822]

Best of luck! I think great advice has been given so just be careful.

[PeterG]

When I meet someone I don't know, I like to go for a walk, so that we're doing something in addition to talking and getting to know each other. A park or a quiet shopping area is great because there's lots of things to look at so that you're not forced to be sitting face to face staring at each other the whole time.

I also like to think of three or four conversation topics beforehand in case the deadly silences start to occur. But not more than that, I don't want to set up the relationship so that I end up being responsible for keeping things moving.

Hope it goes great and that you report back on your new great friend!

[Japanfan]

Good for you for placing an ad, Scene It, and let us know how it goes. I wonder if it is any easier making friends through an on-line ad than finding a romantic partner on-line?

Did you establish that you had things in common first?

[barbk]

SceneIt -- I hope you enjoy yourself -- and a big thank you for posting this, because I'd never heard of meetup before this, and I wouldn't have likely found out about it without seeing the replies here. I found two local groups that look really interesting -- I'm going to breakfast and a hike with one of them on Friday!

[mikemba]

Scene it, I don't think you're pathetic at all! Best wishes and come back to let us know what happened. Even if this particular friendship doesn't work out, it's a good first step.

[SceneIt]

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. I am meeting her next Wednesday after work, unless something comes up between now and then.

I will keep you posted.

[Ajax]

Not pathetic at all. Once you leave school it definitely becomes more difficult to meet people and enlarge your social circle.

I personally am a bit wary of craigslist because a friend of mine had a bad experience. Definitely keep the meetings in public places for the first few times and don't give her too much info about where you live or work.

Another suggestion is couchsurfing.org. it's actually a website where you can offer lodging in your house for travelers passing through your city. The aim, however, is for travellers to meet locals and get an insider's perspective on a place rather than just obtaining free lodging. Anyway, the reason I'm suggesting is because especially in the big cities, local couchsurfers get together frequently. For example I live in Boston and every Wednesday there is a couchsurfing meet up at a bar where both travelers and locals get together. It's open to everyone. Moreover, people who are looking for companions for activities frequently post there. I recently went to the Harry Potter premiere with a bunch of random people I met from there. It could definitely be a good way to meet people if you live in a place with a lot of couchsurfing participants.

[SceneIt]

Just an update. She emailed me today asking if we can get together next week instead of this Wednesday as she and her co-workers have to work mandatory overtime all this week. I responded by saying that was fine and to get in touch when the work frees up.

Oh, well. She does seem very nice in her emails, so I'll hang in there.

There was another woman who responded to my original "ad" and said she liked to do the same things in town and gave me her phone number to call, which I have not yet. Seems so personal to cold call someone. Maybe if I get lonely enough, I'll give her a jingle.

[GarrAarghHrumph]

If she invited you to call her, and gave her number, you absolutely can call her. It's not overly personal - it's invited. Perhaps do as you are with the Craigslist woman #1 - call the second woman, and invite her to meet you after work somewhere public. Why not?

[SceneIt]

Well, the woman I was to meet at the mall whom I met through Craigslist and she had to cancel due to mandatory overtime never emailed again.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The strange thing is she said she lived close to me and told me where she was from (and it is NOT close by at all) and even her workplace was a stretch.

Maybe I'll join a workout class (which I desperately need) and meet some new people there. I am so out of shape and must have aged 10 years this summer. I'd like to meet some people in my general vicinity so we can have spontaneous get togethers instead of having to plan hours of driving.

[orbitz]

Try meetup.org There will probably be meetings within your area that interest you.

[Satellitegirl]

Yep, I suggest volunteer organizations or meetup websites.

[SceneIt]

I did try the meetup.org. In my area, there were a couple of knitting groups (I've never knitted in my life and I'm sure they don't want to teach), an athiest club (not interested in that), a professional women's group (not a professional). There was a nice dinner club but it was almost an hour away and they were having an upcoming potluck that sounded like fun. Not much else, though.

The search continues for friends.

[Vash01]

To be honest, I would be hesitant to meet someone through Craig's list. I would feel more comfortable with meetup.com, for example.

[SceneIt]

To be honest, I would be hesitant to meet someone through Craig's list. I would feel more comfortable with meetup.com, for example.

I mentioned to someone that I should place an ad in Craigslist for a friend and if I would get a response, and this person said yes, but probably by weirdos. I'm pretty normal really, just a bit quiet I guess.

[Cheylana]

I did try the meetup.org. In my area, there were a couple of knitting groups (I've never knitted in my life and I'm sure they don't want to teach), an athiest club (not interested in that), a professional women's group (not a professional). There was a nice dinner club but it was almost an hour away and they were having an upcoming potluck that sounded like fun. Not much else, though.

Hmm, slim pickings indeed. Perhaps, if you are game, you could start your own meetup group, and select an interest that appeals to you?