"Stupide!" scoffed Joubert. "Whacking Nicki does not help me to win. Whacking SPEEDY help me to win!"
"But I am still not understanding thees. Speedy is a nice man, very kind. Why does your maman weesh to hurt him?"
"Mon Dieu! I have never met a person so credule, so gullible as you! Speedy is eville, a pain in my ass! And you! You are stupides, an imbecile eef you do not know zees!"
Florent pouted and considered throwing a hissy fit. Why was Brian blathering about his backside? It was true that he had a very fine backside. But how dare Joubert call him ignorant? It was all an act, anyway. Let Nicki and Joubert think he was a naive pretty boy. Ha! He would have the last laugh on both of them. He would never reveal why he'd really come to Moscow. But he refused to say anything bad about Speedy. Speedy was his hero. He was Italian, and Florent adored all things Italian. Sexy cars, yummy pasta, and hot men. Not that Speedy was hot. But Florent could overlook his appearance, as awful as it was. Especially his hair. Did Speedy wear a toupee? He, Florent, thought Speedy looked like he had a dead animal on his head. But never mind, he knew Speedy had his best interests at heart. Bien sur!
"Oui," agreed Florent. "I am not knowing the true story. But are you saying Speedy is here? In Moscow?"
"Not HERE, you cretin!" laughed Joubert. "He is back at the motel, waiting for call girl! Now excusez-moi, I must leave. You must wait here for Nicki, I must find my maman and give her zee tranquilizer!"
All of a sudden the door opened and a voice was heard.
"Not so fast, my French friends," said the voice. "We have some business to attend to!"
The voice belonged to.........
...Speedy, of course.
"Mamma mia! You are both idiota, two stronzos! You think I will not find out what you are up to? You both are pazzo, completeley crazy!" Speedy huffed and puffed at the two shocked skaters.
Florent hardly knew what to say. He worshipped Speedy. Why was Speedy saying such hurtful things about him? He'd done nothing wrong. It was that insane Joubert and his cow of a maman that had caused all the fuss.
Brian was not so easily intimidated. Look at that wuss Florent, trembling all over because that imbecile, Speedy, insulted him. He had more backbone. And more muscles. He itched to smack Speedy's ugly face until he begged for mercy. He would put Speedy in his place, and possibly rip that awful toupee off his head. Oui! It would be the best laugh he'd had in weeks.
"C'est un mensonge, a lie!," he sneered at Speedy. "I have come to Moscow for vacation and eez none of your beezness. You should go back to Italy and buy better toupee!"
"You are disgrace!" roared Speedy. "You and your fat mamma! You plan to whack me, I get revenge! You call yourself a pattinatore? You are a criminale! I don't care how many quad jumps you do, I put you in jail, si!"
Florent stopped trembling and found his (high-pitched) voice. "Mr. Speedy, you are merveilleux!"
Speedy and Brian both sneered at him in unison.
"Mon dieu, you are such a naive bebe!" said Joubert. "I tell you again, thees man is complete merde!"
"Si, you are ignorant bambino," agreed Speedy. "Pazzo!. Now, tell me quickly. You supposed to be in Switzerland with Stephane. Why you here in Russia with this buffone Nicki and this criminale Brian?"
Florent knew he'd have to answer carefully. He could not possibly tell Speedy the truth. But what lie should he tell him?
"Sir, it eez like this," he said. "I come to Moscow to...........
(I wish someone would help me out here. I have no idea what Florent's secret mission in Moscow is, where Nicki and Miki disappeared to, how Brian and his mother knew that Florent would be in the hotel, or what the hell Speedy is doing there. )
Suddenly a domineering-looking female joined the scene.
"Ottavio!" she shrieked, in a voice that made Scott Hamilton's sound like Bob Ross's. IRL, snoopysnake adores Scott and the late happy painter, just so you know The voice belonged to the terrifying SKARY BABS! She stared and glared at Speedy with her deathly laser eyes. "This eesa nonnayour beesaness!" She slapped him with the back of her powerful hand. "Now, get OUT!" Speedy did as told; he knew when he was outmatched.
Barbara opened the door and checked carefully for several minutes after Speedy had made his exit, then returned to confer with FloMo, Nicki, and Joubie and Maman.
"Okay, my petittas signors, and Mama di Brianji," she whispered. "Now this is what is going to happen...."
"Une moment!" squealed mama Joubert. "I am not understanding thees. I was at zee sleazy motel and whack zees skinny boy instead of zee Speedy. I come to find ma petite Brian, and now I am seeing you. You are looking scary, I need zee tranquilizer!"
"Da, what goes on here?" demanded Nicki. "I am going to visit call-girl and now Joubert turn up! Then Speedy turn up! Then you, Babs, turn up! You are looking more scary than the last time I see you. I have drank much vodka, must be having hallucination. I think I go to rehab and sober up."
"Oui, you are disgraceful drunk!" sneered Brian. "And zee pervert, too. I see you looking at my backside, oui!"
"You keep talking about your backside, I theenk YOU are zee pervert!" Florent said to Brian. "But I am hot and you are not. Ha!"
"BASTA!" shouted Scary Babs. "Enough! You must all listen to me. We have got rid of Ottavio, now we carry out the plan."
"What is zee plan?" asked Brian.
"Is easy. We go back to sleazy motel and then we...............
...Call Dick Button. We will ask him...
...to come to Moscow, rapido! Si!" cackled Scary Babs.
This pronouncement was met with puzzled looks from all of her audience.
"Porquois?" demanded Mama Joubert. "You weesh me to whack him? I can whack him in zee knee, or maybe better to whack him on his head, oui?"
"C'est stupide!" grumbled Brian. "I am not wishing to see zees horrid old man. He is rude, he insult everyone. He say I am washed up. I theenk he have maladie mentale, he belongs in zee hospital!"
"Oui, ridiculous!" agreed Florent in his breathy voice. "I am hearing many stories, this man makes many insults. He say I look like girl! Is insultant! Why must we ask him to come here?"
"What the f*ck?" sputtered Nicki drunkenly. "I am not calling that idiot airbag. He say stupid things. He says I am alcoholic!"
"You ARE an alcoholic!" sneered Brian. "You just say you go to rehab and get sober."
"I have changed my mind. I stay here and sober up. But I am not asking this Button here, nyet!"
"Basta! BASTA!" shrieked Babs. "You are all stupido. Who cares if he is volgare, who cares he is offensivo. Does not matter! We get him here, we make him do what we want. Then we send him to ospedale and he never get out. Si!"
This was met with nods of agreement.
"Da, we do what you say," said Nicki. "Who eez going to call him?"
"Not you", laughed Brian. "You're plastered! And not me! I do not speak zee English!"
"Je ne parle pas l'anglais!" said Mama Joubert.
Everyone turned to look at Florent.
"Mais non!" he squeaked.
"Yes, you!" answered Scary Babs. "You are outnumbered four to one. And we take away your lipstick and mascara if you do not do what we say!" she said menacingly.
Florent thought quickly. This was one scary woman. Was she really a woman, though? He thought she might be a transvestite. Had they sex-tested her when she competed at the OLympics? She was bigger than he was and outweighed him by at least 30 pounds. She had more muscles than him. In fact, if he looked closely, he could see that she had more mustache than him, too!
"Okay, oui," he said, resigned to his fate. "What do I tell him?"
"You call his phone and then you say..........
Who else shoulda knocka up who."
"You mean whack?" asked Joubert, confused as were the others.
"No, no knocka up witha bambinos and bambinas!" Babs gave him a soft whack on the head. "You, Nicki, you getta Miki preggo witha bambina. You, Jouberti, you knocka up zee French girls anda thata sneaky Carolina Kostner."
"Merde! Jamais! Never!" protested Mme. J.
"I blackamail Margaglio to knocka uppa da Finnish girls. He owes me big time for dropping me in the OD," continued Skary Babs. "We aska Dick Button who should knocka up Yu-Na Kim and the other Japanesa girls. Thenna I all set - become Olympic Ladies Singles Champion for Italia inna Sochi inna 2014!"
"So you vants all competition of ladeez pregnant so you will win ladies singles!" realized Nikolai. "I can help wees zees, I can! I gets you Ksenia and all other Russia girls hazz babeez for you! Zees great! Votta great idea!" He was getting visibly excited over the prospect, and in turn was getting FloMo visibly excited.
"Tiens! What do I do?" demanded FloMo. He hated being ignored, especially when he was so aroused.
"You go backa Brazil. Finda nice melting ice rink and skatea for zem," suggested Mme. Joubert.
"Whya you speaka Italiano accent?" huffed Babs. "Butta good idea. You do zat, Flo-Rent."
"D'accord! C'est bien!" announced Joubert. "Vas-y, Florent! Vite!" Then he frowned. "What about Canadian ladies?"
"What to worry?" asked Nikolai. "Patrick Chan take care of things. Phanoova, pregnant. Joannie, pregnant. Easy."
"I am better at making zee young ladiees pregnant que Patrique Chan!" protested Joubert.
"Brian!" Mme. J. gave him a firm whack on the derriere. FloMo ej$%##8ed.
"What about zee American girls?" asked Brian, rubbing his behind. "Who knocks zem up?"
"Don-a you reada FSU?" scoffed Babs. "They no chance-a. Owna country no believes inna dem. Letta skate."
Last edited by snoopysnake; 07-21-2011 at 01:59 AM.
Florent pouted and sulked all the way back to the No-Tell Motel. He couldn't figure out why they had to make the call from that sleazy, flea-infested place. His mind worked feverishly, trying to figure a way out of this increasingly bizarre situation. He'd pretended to agree with the others, but he thought they'd all gone off the deep end. He could understand why Nicki had agreed. He was an oversexed pervert. And Maman Joubert was certifiable. The cow! He, Florent, thought she belonged in a padded cell. Bien sur! And Brian? Florent had heard rumors about his equipment. Not that he could ever hope to verify this for himself, of course. It was a well-known fact that Brian was in love with himself, he was probably itching to rush out and make little bebe Brians.
Florent shuddered at the thought of getting a woman pregnant. Jamais! He'd sooner sleep with Nicki.
Could he possibly slip away from this crazy posse? Alors, it seemed impossible. Joubert was prodding him in the back to hustle him along, and Scary Babs was giving him her patented Death Glare.
No, it looked like he was stuck. He would make the phone call, then he would whisk himself off to the Grand Hotel Moscow, where, hopefully, he could put his secret plan into action.
All too soon, they were in the lobby, and Babs shoved him into the phone booth.
"Okay, bambino!' she barked at him. "I dial zee number, you tell Dick zee plan! Got it?"
"Oui, oui," he sighed, resigned to his fate.
Just as Babs handed him the phone, someone screamed on the other side of the lobby. What the hell? Florent looked up to see............
....Miki, looking fit to kill!
Merde! thought Florent. This woman could give Scary Babs a run for the money in the death glare department. Should he make a break for it while all eyes were focused on her?
"Nicki!" she screeched in a high-pitched voice. "What you doing here in No-Tell Motel? You say you go out to do laundry, I find you here with these people! What you all doing here together? You all drunk, you all go with call-girl!"
Scary Babs stared her down. "Stupido! Only Nicki is drunk! Are you saying I look like call-girl? I slap your face!"
Mama Joubert chimed in, "How dare you! I do not drink, because I am taking zee tranquilizer! My Brian, he does not go with call-girl! Girls chase him, he does not need to pay. Mais oui!"
"Oui!" agreed Joubert.
"Eez not your beezness!" squeaked Florent.
Everyone looked at Nicki to see how he would respond.
Miki poked him in the chest with a talon-sharp fingernail. "Well? What you have to say for yourself?"
"Um, is like this," Nicki mumbled. "Is all innocent explanation. We all here because of Florent!"
"Moi? You tell lies! Merde!" shouted Florent. The slimebag! What the hell was he up to now?
"Da!" said Nicki. "Is for Florent. We all come here to help him.......
- Rep Power
"Oh the humanity!!!", said Prince Harry standing in the background. How....
Originally Posted by sunnydays
...the hell did Harry and what's-her-name come to be at the No-Tell Motel in Moscow, wondered Nicki. Could it be a hallucination? Maybe he was having the DT's and should consider going to rehab, after all. But no, they must really be standing there, because his motley group of fellow skaters were staring at them, apparently transfixed. Florent was trembling all over, as usual, Nicki noticed. What a wuss! Nicki watched in disbelief as Florent knelt on the ground. What the hell was he doing?
"Your highnesses!" he squeaked. He went into a low curtsy. "Eet eez great honor to see prince and princess!"
Brian sneered at Florent, Harry and what's-her-name in turn. Why was Florent bowing to them? Ridiculous! He, Joubert, would never bow to anyone. He was the king of the ice and everyone could bow to him. Bien sur!
"Errr, hello!" said Harry. "We are lost, and we were wondering if.......
you could direct us to Red Square? Sir Paul McCartney is performing a concert there and my wife," who broke out in a beaming smile, "and I are the guests of honor."
"I take you!" Miki leapt in a triple lutz over Nikolai's head and grabbed a royal in each hand, leading them away. "You marry in secret? Must tell me all about it. I to be married much soonest. Want wedding gown like Kate, but will marry secret if he marry me more soon zees like." Johnny Weir was waiting for her outside in a limo, and he was thrilled have the Prince and new Duchess/Princess/Whateveress join them.
"Fabulous to meet you," he declared, kissing each of them on the hand. "Now we will go for a quick stop at Prada before the concert."
"Pravda, don't you mean?" queried Harry.
"No, Prada, my most fabulous Prada," replied Johnny. Stella has the secret concert shirts there. Paul is my buddy now (see the original Continue the Story for this PETA PETA PETA tale), but you must not tell him I still wear fur. Miki, Paul will do the music for your wedding, Stella will do your dress, and I will be your flower boy."
Meanwhile, FloMo was reluctantly speaking to Dick Button, who was scolding him for using vocal music in his LP and stating his firm opinion that FloMo had personally set back men's singles 83 years.
"It is your duty to leave the sport different and better because you were in it," insisted Uncle Dickie. "What have you to say for yourself?"
"I-I'm sorry, Monsieur Dick," stammered FloMo. "But I was forced to call you by..."
..."By, umm, Scary....." Florent's voice trailed off as Babs shot him a look that could kill. He took a deep breath and tried again. "By Barbara, umm, ummm..." Merde! He would never finish a sentence if that femme horible did not stop staring at him.
"Ooh, ouch!" he squealed, as Barbara whacked him on the side of his head. "Why you do zees?"
"What, what?" demanded Dick. "Why did I do what? Explain yourself, twinkletoes!"
"Ooh, ouch!" Florent squealed again, as Nicki whacked him on the other side of his head.
"Get on with it, da!" ordered Nicki. "I cannot stay here all night, I need more drink!"
"You know, this conversation doesn't sing!" chortled Dick. "I think I'll hang up now."
"Mais non, attends! I tell everything. Barbara Fusar-Poli make me do it. She say you must come to Moscow, we have beeg surprise for you!"
"Barbara? That's really spiffy!" said Dick. "What's the surprise?"
"Eez big surprise! Eez.........
Last edited by Marge_Simpson; 07-24-2011 at 05:47 PM.
she wants, GULP!" Babs took FloMo's fingers into a "live long and prosper" position and spread them apart, inducing great pain. "I meen, NOUS, WE, want, you to come and we eenvite Mademoiselle Julia Sebestyen to come and be impregnated by you! You have still zee sperm, oui?" FloMo glanced over to Brian J., who held out a big bottle of blue pills, left over from that unfortunate ladybug incident (the earlier C.T.S. again.) "We have all zee Viaga-ra you need!"
Everyone put their hands over their ears as Mama Joubert let out a blood-curdling scream. "Brian! What eez zees? Why you take zees pills? Quelle horreur!"
"Maman, calm yourself," laughed Brian. "Take zee tranquilizer. They are not mine, I find them in Nicki's apartment!"
Florent clapped his hands over his mouth to keep himself from bursting into hysterical laughter. This was rich! Nicki on Viagra! He, Florent, had known Nicki was a deviant all along. The dirtbag!
"Zees pills are not mine!" shouted Nicki. "Nyet! They belong to Florent!"
"Mais non! You are liar! I am not the one having trouble with, how you say, my equipment!" said Florent indignantly. "I am hot and you are not! Look, eez your name on zee bottle!"
Nicki snatched at the bottle furiously. "You are thief! Give me back my pills! Thees instant!"
Brian laughed and said, "Wheee, catch!" as he tossed the bottle to Babs. "Try and get them, pervert!"
As Nicki lunged for the bottle, Florent saw his chance to escape these insane people. He raced for the door and.........
Last edited by Marge_Simpson; 07-25-2011 at 06:50 PM.
tripped on a patch of ice. Starttled, he...
---could not have possibly tripped on a patch of ice, since it was the end of July and close to 100 degrees outside. Mon Dieu! he thought. Would he never escape this horrible place and these insane people? He was beginning to think he had bad karma or something. Bien sur! Maybe he should look into getting a feng shui consultant. But in the meantime, he had to get away from here,rapidement!
If he hadn't ran over a patch of ice, what had made him trip? He looked down to see that he had actually tripped over.......a person. Stifling a scream of horror, he realized that it was..........