Louis, I like your style.
You know these people best.
Louis, I like your style.
You know these people best.
If it would be painful for you to write such a big check, don't do it; if not, well, all things are relative. If they know you can easily afford it, then they will probably accept it gratefully. But only you know whether this would hurt their pride or not. None of us know them.
Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.
Louis, that is an incredibly generous gesture. I can't advise you because I don't know your relationship with the couple, or what is common in your circle, but your judgment to me has always seemed very sound, and I'm sure you'll make the decision that is right for you and your friends.
ETA: Prancer, at "bless your heart!"
I think if you are not sure if you can make it because of your situation, then your idea about the gift of cash towards their honeymoon is a lovely idea. It also doesn't muck the couple around having a "tentative" person on their guest list (which I don't think anyone has mentioned here). By saying no now that you can't go it means they have a definate idea about who is going or not.
When you are up to your arse in alligators it is difficult to remember you were only meant to be draining the swamp.
I'm not inviting Louis to my wedding. I want he and Sweets to adopt me. I promise to have no family issues.
Louis, in my circle that amount would be over the top. However, in my circle, paying what you guys pay to live in New York is definitely over the top. I think it is a lovely gesture.
I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a wedding and this is just some ploy to get people to send big cheques.
Louis, if I were your friend, if you could attend my wedding, I would be very honored. If you could not attend but write me a check instead, I would be very surprised and touched at the same time by your generosity.
You know your friends better than we do. Do they usually have strong opinions about this kind of so-called "etiquette"? If they do, it might be easier to conform to a more average gift. If they are easy going, then I think your idea will be perfectly fine.
Personally, I think it's always those who know all about these "etiquettes" and have strong opinions about "the right way to throw a wedding" cause more frictions than those of us who don't understand these "etiquettes" to begin with and do not know what is the right way and what is the wrong way. .
You know them well - you know if they'd feel indebted, like they have to explain where/how they were spending every penny (which can make things uncomfortable).
I wouldn't go by what you would have spent to go, but what feels right. For example, the cost of a weekend away, or, are they trying to save to go somewhere and you'd be helping to cover airfare.
I discovered this summer that I am SO not a wedding person... very close old family friend got married, and I found the gift part quite absurd - masses and masses of STUFF, and huge sums of cash... yes, they're both young, but they're both healthy and educated and employed... just not in my comfort zone.
But, it's not about MY comfort zone, or anyone else on here. It's about you and your friends. Do what feels comfortable, and what you think they'd feel comfortable with.
When I marry in the future, I could have my wedding in my hometown. It's a safe bet that the person I end up marrying will not be from here. Most of my dad's family and my mom's family are around here, but not everyone is here. I went to grad school on one coast; I have many friends from that state. One of the people I went to grad school with who will be part of my wedding party (and their daughters either flower girls or junior bridesmaids) live in yet another state now because of where a job took them. I'm hoping to land a job on the opposite coast I went to grad school on; I'm assuming I'll make new friends there. At the end of the day, no matter where I end up getting married someday, there are going to be people who are going to have to travel. On the flipside, because of living in different places, I now have friends spread out all over this country. On occasion, even if they're having a wedding that is local to themselves and where they grew up, I still have to travel to get to it!
They might not care about a honeymoon and would prefer to use the cash for something else BUT if you write them a very generous cheque and then suggest it goes to a honeymoon you create a dilemma for them.
As for the amount only you know how they would react to that so only you can decide.
Tessa and Scott: Thank you
I'm planning on having a destination wedding one day. My family and friends are primarily in British Columbia and Quebec. My fiance's are in Manitoba, Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. We now live in Ontario. No matter where we have it and what we do, most people will have to travel, so why not make it a level playing field and get everyone a vacation out of it.
I don't think it sounds like Louis is talking about a destination wedding though, just that it isn't where he lives.
And in any case to the original point, just because it's a DESTINATION for Louis does not mean it's a destination wedding. I suspect you might be "old fashioned" in assuming everyone marries someone from the old home town and wouldn't know anyone who might live far away to invite. Off the top of my head, I live in Michigan and the four people I would want in my wedding party are in Las Vegas, Houston, Atlanta, and the Hudson Valley. Heck, my BROTHER lives in Westcester County, and even my parents are three hours from me. How exactly does one arrange a wedding so that no one has to travel inconveniently when it's not 1955 and you're not marrying the guy next door right out of high school? When my friend in Vegas got married, yeah, most of us had to travel, but that didn't make it a destination wedding--she and her husband live there! A lot of her friends don't. His family certainly didn't--should she have had the wedding in Japan so they didn't have to travel? Or just found someone to marry whose family was more conveniently located?
Louis, honestly, if someone gave me a gift like that, *with that explanation*, I would probably just accept it in the spirit in which it was intended. I would not second-guess your ability to give the amount and while I'd never expect someone to give their travel cost in lieu of a gift, I'd understand the reasoning and not find it offensive. It's a very generous way of addressing the situation.
I have been in three Catholic weddings and got married in the Catholic church.
I assure everyone, there is something else to this story that has been left out. Probably involving it being an interfaith wedding and someone not meeting some requirement related to that.
Not that meeting the requirements is that difficult anyway. Two of my friends married non-Catholics in the most conservative diocese in the United States without any difficulties.
And yeah, I was wondering if the real stink was the priest needed the whole 'sign the agreement about raising the kids' thing. I did have a friend who opted to be married in her fiance's church (Baptist? I don't remember, vague Protestant denomination of some sort) because the local priest was very insistent on the 'waiver' being signed.
So you've given them $$$ for something they weren't planning to do and now they have to decide if they are going to change their plans or not. Plus, if the honeymoon they want costs more then $1000, then they might feel pressured into having one sooner than they planned and spending extra money on it that they weren't planning to spend.
The other thing that could happen is that they are pressed enough for money that the $1000 ends up going "up in smoke" being spent on little things here and there and then they are in the position of feeling guilty for not spending the money as you intended.
So, if it was me, I'd give them some money but I wouldn't make any stipulations as to what to do with it and maybe I wouldn't give quite so much.
Alternately, I'd see if you can get a bunch of people to go in with you and give the money as a travel agency gift card so they do have enough for a real honeymoon and also won't know exactly who gave what (so no embarrassment if they think your contribution is too much) and also there won't be the issue of the money not going towards a trip of some sort.
Delete. Wrong Thread.
Oh, and I forgot to say, I had tourists at my wedding. That's the consequences of getting married at a Catholic Church that's also a National Historical Monument, I guess.
Delete. Wrong Thread.
And besides, it's very likely that their reactions to such a large cash gift would be tempered knowing that Louis wouldn't go broke in providing it. I don't expect any of my relatives or friends to give gifts as $$$ as my rich uncle, for instance. We're used to his generous ways by now.
If he feels they deserve a honeymoon, he's free to provide some of the means for that.
I fully expect my uncle, if he hasn't indirectly paid for my wedding thanks to my middling-in-everything aunt, would send over a check much larger than Louis's...