Wedding attendance/gift dilemma

[mrr50]

Louis, I like your style.

You know these people best.

[Prancer]

Yeah, I could of got married on the side of Mt. Kilminjaro backpacking or something but I chose to think of my family and not my own wants which again must be old-fashioned to not put yourself first...

You must be a very special person, bless your heart.

I would like to write them a check for $1,000 and tell them to put it toward a honeymoon. Would this be terribly rude? Is it too ostentatious?

If I were to get such a gift from a friend, I would look at it in these terms--can the gifter afford this?

If it would be painful for you to write such a big check, don't do it; if not, well, all things are relative. If they know you can easily afford it, then they will probably accept it gratefully. But only you know whether this would hurt their pride or not. None of us know them.

[pollyanna]

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

um that part...

....is none of your fecking business.

Not everyone's finances allows destination weddings. Hence weddings for the masses locally, honeymoon destinations for the couple who can afford it...

How many times do people have to ask you, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS A DESTINATION WEDDING? It might be a local wedding for the couple. How can you possibly judge when you do not know?

Louis, that is an incredibly generous gesture. I can't advise you because I don't know your relationship with the couple, or what is common in your circle, but your judgment to me has always seemed very sound, and I'm sure you'll make the decision that is right for you and your friends.


ETA: Prancer, at "bless your heart!"

[Aussie Willy]

I think if you are not sure if you can make it because of your situation, then your idea about the gift of cash towards their honeymoon is a lovely idea. It also doesn't muck the couple around having a "tentative" person on their guest list (which I don't think anyone has mentioned here). By saying no now that you can't go it means they have a definate idea about who is going or not.

[rfisher]

I'm not inviting Louis to my wedding. I want he and Sweets to adopt me. I promise to have no family issues.

[sk8er1964]

No I had the wedding of my dreams in spite of the priests and other factors like my mother-in-law to be suggesting that her version of the rehersal dinner would include cold cuts in her basement complete with views of stuffed killed things on the wall that gramps had killed over the last 30 years...

At the risk of being judgmental, I somehow think you didn't have the wedding of your dreams. If you had, you would not be posting the things in this thread that you have.

Louis, in my circle that amount would be over the top. However, in my circle, paying what you guys pay to live in New York is definitely over the top. I think it is a lovely gesture.

[Norlite]

I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a wedding and this is just some ploy to get people to send big cheques.

[genegri]

Louis, if I were your friend, if you could attend my wedding, I would be very honored. If you could not attend but write me a check instead, I would be very surprised and touched at the same time by your generosity.

You know your friends better than we do. Do they usually have strong opinions about this kind of so-called "etiquette"? If they do, it might be easier to conform to a more average gift. If they are easy going, then I think your idea will be perfectly fine.

Personally, I think it's always those who know all about these "etiquettes" and have strong opinions about "the right way to throw a wedding" cause more frictions than those of us who don't understand these "etiquettes" to begin with and do not know what is the right way and what is the wrong way. .

[vesperholly]

Personally, I think it's always those who know all about these "etiquettes" and have strong opinions about "the right way to throw a wedding" cause more frictions than those of us who don't understand these "etiquettes" to begin with and do not know what is the right way and what is the wrong way. .

[nubka]

I think that if you sent a really nice note- explaining the same things as here- it would be a lovely gesture. If they are good friends, they will appreciate that you chose to send a very generous amount for the right reasons (as opposed to being ostentatious)

But then again, I've never been particularly concerned with society conventions.

ITA!

[JumpinBug]

You know them well - you know if they'd feel indebted, like they have to explain where/how they were spending every penny (which can make things uncomfortable).

I wouldn't go by what you would have spent to go, but what feels right. For example, the cost of a weekend away, or, are they trying to save to go somewhere and you'd be helping to cover airfare.

I discovered this summer that I am SO not a wedding person... very close old family friend got married, and I found the gift part quite absurd - masses and masses of STUFF, and huge sums of cash... yes, they're both young, but they're both healthy and educated and employed... just not in my comfort zone.

But, it's not about MY comfort zone, or anyone else on here. It's about you and your friends. Do what feels comfortable, and what you think they'd feel comfortable with.

[aka_gerbil]

But the idea of a local wedding seems very quaint to me- I don't know anyone whose family and friends all live in the same city- it's always a destination for someone.

This. Our society is so very mobile these days, it's very rare for both members to come from the same area and have all of their family and friends still living in the area.

When I marry in the future, I could have my wedding in my hometown. It's a safe bet that the person I end up marrying will not be from here. Most of my dad's family and my mom's family are around here, but not everyone is here. I went to grad school on one coast; I have many friends from that state. One of the people I went to grad school with who will be part of my wedding party (and their daughters either flower girls or junior bridesmaids) live in yet another state now because of where a job took them. I'm hoping to land a job on the opposite coast I went to grad school on; I'm assuming I'll make new friends there. At the end of the day, no matter where I end up getting married someday, there are going to be people who are going to have to travel. On the flipside, because of living in different places, I now have friends spread out all over this country. On occasion, even if they're having a wedding that is local to themselves and where they grew up, I still have to travel to get to it!

[marbri]

A friend of mine is getting married this summer on a holiday weekend in a place that's not terribly easy to get to and also happens to have a huge event going on that same weekend. Airfares are expensive, and hotels are scarce and ridiculously overpriced. Plus, I have some serious family stuff going on that makes travel risky and unpredictable. While I would love to go to this wedding of two people I genuinely adore, I'm not sure I see the wisdom of spending $1,000 - $1,500 to do so, especially when there's at least a 25% chance I'd have to cancel the plans.

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon. You can see where this is going.... Instead of spending $1,000+ to go to this wedding, I would like to write them a check for $1,000 and tell them to put it toward a honeymoon. Would this be terribly rude? Is it too ostentatious? I know it's a big gift for a wedding, but it's what I would've spent anyway just to get there.

Opinions/advice appreciated. Friend knows about the family stuff and wrote a nice personal note with the invitation that they completely understand if I can't make the wedding due to what's going on.

I haven't seen this part addressed although I suppose it may have been buried in the great wedding debate that followed But as it was part of your question my answer would be that if you do give cash I wouldn't dictate how they should spend it ie..tell them it's to go towards a honeymoon.

They might not care about a honeymoon and would prefer to use the cash for something else BUT if you write them a very generous cheque and then suggest it goes to a honeymoon you create a dilemma for them.

As for the amount only you know how they would react to that so only you can decide.

[KikiSashaFan]

I'm planning on having a destination wedding one day. My family and friends are primarily in British Columbia and Quebec. My fiance's are in Manitoba, Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. We now live in Ontario. No matter where we have it and what we do, most people will have to travel, so why not make it a level playing field and get everyone a vacation out of it.

I don't think it sounds like Louis is talking about a destination wedding though, just that it isn't where he lives.

[danceronice]

Not if you are Catholic. That's why my husband's parrish would not marry us even though he was at Alter boy there for his k-12 life. They would not marry us in his boyhood church because we lived outside of a 100 mile radius, even though his family sent and paid for 6 kids to go to parochial school. They told us that we would have to invite everyone who is Catholic within a 100 mile radius to celebrate as a community. So I gave in again and got married at St. Paul's Monestary which was basically a wedding factory (very nice) to give in to my Catholic side of the family. Yeah, I could of got married on the side of Mt. Kilminjaro backpacking or something but I chose to think of my family and not my own wants which again must be old-fashioned to not put yourself first...

Uh...this is not the norm. The CEREMONY would technically have to be open to anyone wandering by (in fact most Catholic churches I know don't ever lock their doors) especially if it's a Mass. I've NEVER encountered a parish (and I used to attend in the Diocese of Arlington, probably the most conservative in the US, as in 'no girl alter servers, Latin Mass every third Sunday or whenever the youngest priest is officiating') where you would be expected or somehow MANDATED to invite everyone to an off-site reception, too. A MASS, regardless of purpose, is always open to worshipers. You can't refuse communion to a Catholic who is in communion on the grounds "Oh, I'm sorry, this is a private affair." Kind of makes the whole thing invalid.

And in any case to the original point, just because it's a DESTINATION for Louis does not mean it's a destination wedding. I suspect you might be "old fashioned" in assuming everyone marries someone from the old home town and wouldn't know anyone who might live far away to invite. Off the top of my head, I live in Michigan and the four people I would want in my wedding party are in Las Vegas, Houston, Atlanta, and the Hudson Valley. Heck, my BROTHER lives in Westcester County, and even my parents are three hours from me. How exactly does one arrange a wedding so that no one has to travel inconveniently when it's not 1955 and you're not marrying the guy next door right out of high school? When my friend in Vegas got married, yeah, most of us had to travel, but that didn't make it a destination wedding--she and her husband live there! A lot of her friends don't. His family certainly didn't--should she have had the wedding in Japan so they didn't have to travel? Or just found someone to marry whose family was more conveniently located?

Louis, honestly, if someone gave me a gift like that, *with that explanation*, I would probably just accept it in the spirit in which it was intended. I would not second-guess your ability to give the amount and while I'd never expect someone to give their travel cost in lieu of a gift, I'd understand the reasoning and not find it offensive. It's a very generous way of addressing the situation.

[PDilemma]

^ Saint Francis Cabrini of Allen Park Michigan refused to marry us even though the new Father/Priest was younger than my husband at the time! I refused to beg (evangelical Christian/ not tied to Catholicism) said adios and found the Monastery to be a wonderful place that still placated my Catholic in-laws. We now attend a Bible church btw...and my DD attends private Christian school thanks to that experience.

So this all should have been different because your husband was older than the priest? What does that have to do with it?

I have been in three Catholic weddings and got married in the Catholic church.

I assure everyone, there is something else to this story that has been left out. Probably involving it being an interfaith wedding and someone not meeting some requirement related to that.

Not that meeting the requirements is that difficult anyway. Two of my friends married non-Catholics in the most conservative diocese in the United States without any difficulties.

[danceronice]

So this all should have been different because your husband was older than the priest? What does that have to do with it?

I have been in three Catholic weddings and got married in the Catholic church.

I assure everyone, there is something else to this story that has been left out. Probably involving it being an interfaith wedding and someone not meeting some requirement related to that.

Not that meeting the requirements is that difficult anyway. Two of my friends married non-Catholics in the most conservative diocese in the United States without any difficulties.

Diocese of Arlington?

And yeah, I was wondering if the real stink was the priest needed the whole 'sign the agreement about raising the kids' thing. I did have a friend who opted to be married in her fiance's church (Baptist? I don't remember, vague Protestant denomination of some sort) because the local priest was very insistent on the 'waiver' being signed.

[MacMadame]

Instead of spending $1,000+ to go to this wedding, I would like to write them a check for $1,000 and tell them to put it toward a honeymoon.

The issue that I see isn't about whether it's tacky or not or even if the amount is too much, it's that they weren't planning to have a honeymoon.

So you've given them $$$ for something they weren't planning to do and now they have to decide if they are going to change their plans or not. Plus, if the honeymoon they want costs more then $1000, then they might feel pressured into having one sooner than they planned and spending extra money on it that they weren't planning to spend.

The other thing that could happen is that they are pressed enough for money that the $1000 ends up going "up in smoke" being spent on little things here and there and then they are in the position of feeling guilty for not spending the money as you intended.

So, if it was me, I'd give them some money but I wouldn't make any stipulations as to what to do with it and maybe I wouldn't give quite so much.

Alternately, I'd see if you can get a bunch of people to go in with you and give the money as a travel agency gift card so they do have enough for a real honeymoon and also won't know exactly who gave what (so no embarrassment if they think your contribution is too much) and also there won't be the issue of the money not going towards a trip of some sort.

[MacMadame]

Oh, and I forgot to say, I had tourists at my wedding. That's the consequences of getting married at a Catholic Church that's also a National Historical Monument, I guess.

[Anita18]

Except that Louis didn't say that it was a destination wedding (one or both of them might be from there), nor did he say that it was an expensive wedding (just that they weren't in well paying jobs and could barely afford it). Louis also didn't say that it was his responsibility to pay for a honeymoon, just that he'd like to

Louis, I think it's a wonderful gesture. I don't know if it's considered too much money, if it was accompanied by an explanation of how much it would cost you to go there, how much you'd love to go, but how impossible it would be with the family situation. This way, you might not be able to make their wedding, but they'll remember you whenever they think of it because of the honeymoon

I think it's a great gift. If you're worried it's too much or inappropriate, is there anyone close to your friends, like their parents of siblings, who you could get a second opinion from?

I also believe that if Louis would like to give this couple that amount of money, by all means he should do so. They're his close friends, so I don't anticipate a huge amount of awkwardness, unless everyone is present at the gift-giving ceremony and knows exactly what the couple got from whom.

And besides, it's very likely that their reactions to such a large cash gift would be tempered knowing that Louis wouldn't go broke in providing it. I don't expect any of my relatives or friends to give gifts as $$$ as my rich uncle, for instance. We're used to his generous ways by now.

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

um that part...

He said "barely afford" the wedding, not "they're going into debt for it." I know people who work for nonprofits and despite scrimping and saving, they'd still be hard-pressed to afford a wedding they'd like. For the moment, they're foregoing the honeymoon because they know they can't afford both.

If he feels they deserve a honeymoon, he's free to provide some of the means for that.

I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a wedding and this is just some ploy to get people to send big cheques.

Hmm, that's a good plan. I'll have to keep that in mind when I'm in dire financial straits - fake a wedding and then my rich uncle will send me the

I fully expect my uncle, if he hasn't indirectly paid for my wedding thanks to my middling-in-everything aunt, would send over a check much larger than Louis's...