Wedding attendance/gift dilemma

[skatemommy]

I.
Weddings are for the couple. Guests are invited to share, but shouldn't be the focus.

Not if you are Catholic. That's why my husband's parrish would not marry us even though he was at Alter boy there for his k-12 life. They would not marry us in his boyhood church because we lived outside of a 100 mile radius, even though his family sent and paid for 6 kids to go to parochial school. They told us that we would have to invite everyone who is Catholic within a 100 mile radius to celebrate as a community. So I gave in again and got married at St. Paul's Monestary which was basically a wedding factory (very nice) to give in to my Catholic side of the family. Yeah, I could of got married on the side of Mt. Kilminjaro backpacking or something but I chose to think of my family and not my own wants which again must be old-fashioned to not put yourself first...

[millyskate]

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

um that part...

and why would it be "better" to have a smaller wedding an go on a honeymoon instead??
Following your logic, they're actually putting their guests first by investing in the wedding rather than the holiday...

Anyway, it could well be that it's a small wedding and even that is stretching their finances. Nowadays, everything is expensive, even (very sadly) hiring a church /officiant.

[skatemommy]

^ but the guest can't afford to get to the destination and even if they can there are NO hotel room available to stay at

[millyskate]

^ but the guest can't afford to get to the destination and even if they can there are NO hotel room available to stay at

Has it not crossed your mind that Louis may have friends who, gasp, live in a different city? Surely it's not the couple's fault if all of their friends don't live in the same place?

[Cupid]

Everyone I've ever talked to about their wedding wishes they got more cash gifts. Presents are more for showers. Weddings are expensive, and money is always appreciated. I am part Italian and Italians almost always give lots of cash. I think it is more tacky to get a picture frame (which I got as a wedding gift, and also was dropped in taking to the car and destroyed). Most couples have to take out loans to have a small but nice wedding and would appreciate cash to pay off the loan.

But I must say $1,000 is awfully generous!! If you can afford it and don't mind and are very close with this couple, then go for it. I'd think they'd be happy with even just $100 if you couldn't make it. Just sayin'.

[skatemommy]

They did not expect anyone to go on the cruise with them. I did, because at the time my finances allowed me to do that. Another niece and nephew in law got married in Las Vegas with a themed wedding. I attended that too, as my finances allowed it. My son and soon to be daughter in law will have a destination wedding.

Not everyone's finances allows destination weddings. Hence weddings for the masses locally, honeymoon destinations for the couple who can afford it...

Admin Edit: Please learn how to use the quote feature. You didn't even specify what was the quote and what was your reply to it, let alone attributed the quote to the person who wrote it.

[Skittl1321]

Not if you are Catholic. That's why my husband's parrish would not marry us even though he was at Alter boy there for his k-12 life. They would not marry us in his boyhood church because we lived outside of a 100 mile radius, even though his family sent and paid for 6 kids to go to parochial school. They told us that we would have to invite everyone who is Catholic within a 100 mile radius to celebrate as a community.

That is absurd! I have never heard of a parish that did such a thing. I suppose that our service was technically open, and any member of the parish could have come in, but our reception was entirely seperate so we did not have to host them. (We invited the priest, but he declined, since it was New Years Eve, he said people often felt uncomfortable "partying" when the priest was present.)

I've been to many many Catholic weddings, as most of my family is Catholic, and I've never heard of a church that required everyone in the area to be invited. My sister also used a "pretty" church to get married at where no one in the family was a member of. They just required a note from our parish that she was a member there, and requested a donation be made to the church (no different from a rental fee.)


As for the original question of the wedding being about the couple- my mother told me, the ceremony is about the couple, the reception is for the guests.


And to "destination" wedding- I guess ours was for us, as we got married in our hometown, but neither of us lived there anymore (Austin TX, I lived in Houston, he in Ohio). Much of my family had to fly in too- as not everyone is from Texas. But it wasn't destination in the sense of going to the Carribean. But the idea of a local wedding seems very quaint to me- I don't know anyone whose family and friends all live in the same city- it's always a destination for someone.

[Skittl1321]

Most couples have to take out loans to have a small but nice wedding and would appreciate cash to pay off the loan.

Really? You know enough people who have done this that you said "most"? I've never heard of such a thing. I didn't realize a bank would even loan for this sort of thing. Learn something new everyday...so glad I didn't have to do that!

(Also, the best wedding gift I got was a week at a timeshare. We got to pick any destination we wanted, and did so ahead of time so we went just after the wedding. Originally we got a Hawaii timeshare, but the flights were too expensive, so we switched to a lovely ski vacation in Durango, Colorado. My Aunt gives her timeshare as a gift for most every wedding.)

[timing]

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

um that part...

I don't interpret that in the same way. If the jobs are not-well paying they may be using all their income on regular living expenses and having a very simple wedding could be hard to afford.

Louis - the gift is a nice idea. I have friends who would love a thoughtful gift like that and others who would feel obligated to return a gift of equal value.

[skatemommy]

^ Saint Francis Cabrini of Allen Park Michigan refused to marry us even though the new Father/Priest was younger than my husband at the time! I refused to beg (evangelical Christian/ not tied to Catholicism) said adios and found the Monastery to be a wonderful place that still placated my Catholic in-laws. We now attend a Bible church btw...and my DD attends private Christian school thanks to that experience.

[Cupid]

Really? You know enough people who have done this that you said "most"? I've never heard of such a thing. I didn't realize a bank would even loan for this sort of thing. Learn something new everyday...so glad I didn't have to do that!

Credit card, loan, whatever you want to call it. I paid for my own wedding because I lived at home and was able to save a lot of money for my big day. I had 200 guests, a live band, sit down dinner, and people still say it was the best wedding they had ever been to.

So glad that you were able to learn something new today.

[vesperholly]

Anyway, it could well be that it's a small wedding and even that is stretching their finances. Nowadays, everything is expensive, even (very sadly) hiring a church /officiant.

Exactly. Even a bargain-basement wedding can easily be $5,000.

^ but the guest can't afford to get to the destination and even if they can there are NO hotel room available to stay at

Louis didn't say he couldn't afford it, nor did he mention any other person having difficulty getting there or finding a hotel. Perhaps Louis is one of the only out-of-town guests?

Not everyone's finances allows destination weddings. Hence weddings for the masses locally, honeymoon destinations for the couple who can afford it...

Who said anything about a destination wedding?

[Skittl1321]

Credit card, loan, whatever you want to call it.

I feel dumb- I don't use my credit cards that way, so it didn't occur to me to think of them as a loan. You're right- many people do put weddings on credit cards and aren't able to pay them off right away.

It is always expensive for guests to go to weddings. I had to miss my college roommates and a best friend from high school's weddings because the plane tickets were about $400 plus a few nights in a hotel, and time off work. I've gone to as many as I can, but it's not always easy. None of these are destination weddings, in the true sense of the word- it's just that no one lives in the same place anymore.

[numbers123]

They did not expect anyone to go on the cruise with them. I did, because at the time my finances allowed me to do that.

Another niece and nephew in law got married in Las Vegas with a themed wedding. I attended that too, as my finances allowed it. My son and soon to be daughter in law will have a destination wedding.

Not everyone's finances allows destination weddings. Hence weddings for the masses locally, honeymoon destinations for the couple who can afford it...

I assume that you deleted the [quote] part of the first part of the this post. If so and you were quoting me...did you not read the They did not expect anyone to go? Because in truth, they didn't expect anyone to go nor did they expect gifts. The wedding was about them - the two of them who commit to each other to spend a life together.

^ Saint Francis Cabrini of Allen Park Michigan refused to marry us even though the new Father/Priest was younger than my husband at the time! I refused to beg (evangelical Christian/ not tied to Catholicism) said adios and found the Monastery to be a wonderful place that still placated my Catholic in-laws. We now attend a Bible church btw...and my DD attends private Christian school thanks to that experience.

Sounds like you didn't have the wedding you wanted because of priests and other factors.

By the way, my wedding cost around $300.00 max. Probably less than that. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again - maybe it would be the same, maybe not. But it is truly about the bride and groom as they are the ones beginning their lives together.

You don't seem to be able to overcome the perception that you have of Louis' friends that they are having a destination wedding. It has been pointed out to you several times that you do not know why it is a distance away from Louis and yet you still contend that they are having a destination wedding.

Louis, I think your gift is very generous. Just as a perspective about the amount. $1000.00 is what my parents give to their grandchildren as a wedding present. Perhaps a smaller amount say ~$500.00 might be better. But as I said earlier, only you know how your friends might feel about the gift.

Could I invite you to my 40th wedding annversary celebration in 2 years?

[skatemommy]

Sounds like you didn't have the wedding you wanted because of priests and other factors.

No I had the wedding of my dreams in spite of the priests and other factors like my mother-in-law to be suggesting that her version of the rehersal dinner would include cold cuts in her basement complete with views of stuffed killed things on the wall that gramps had killed over the last 30 years...

[nlyoung]

When my sister got married, her fiance asked his best friend to be best man. The friend couldn't attend the wedding as he was out of the country for work, but as a wedding gift he gave them the equivalent of what he would have spent on airfare to attend. At the time my sister and her fiance were still students and the money was very much appreciated, though certainly not expected. They were overwhelmed by his generosity, but knew he could afford the gesture and were touched that he had done this. Of course, while not "family" they had been best friends for years. You are the only one who can judge whether or not a large gift of money would be appropriate in your situation.

[Garden Kitty]

Louis, you're in the best spot to evaluate how the gift might be received. Weddings run a wide spectrum, and at some while a $1,000 would definitely be a generous gift, it might not be out of the range of what other people might give.

At some weddings, a gift of that size could well exceed what everyone else would give by many mulitples. Even if that were the case, some people might feel uncomfortable and wonder how they could ever reciprocate, while others would appreciate the generous spirit with which it is given and just enjoy the money.

I think the background story (I had planned to attend and this is what I allocated for the wedding, and since I can't come now, I just want you to use this for something special) would help a recipient understand and appreciate the spirit behind the gift and help them receive it with an open heart. If you're not sure how they'd react, I think you're definitely safe giving $500.

[topaz]

I say give what you can afford. If they are dear to you and you want to help them out, that's fine. Gifts are to show someone your appreciation towards them and to give them something USEFUL. Giving a monetary gift would be just that.

[Matryeshka]

Louis, if I ever get married, I am inviting you, and I would accept any check you decide and be grateful for it. If this is what you want to do for them, you should do it. If they cannot accept your generous gift graciously, it says a lot more about them than it does about you.

The problem with these threads is weddings are so specific to culture, to family, to religion, to budget that it's almost impossible to get advice that's relevant to the OP. They also seem to devolve, rather quickly, into MY wedding is better than YOUR wedding, and posters that are perfectly reasonable in other threads forget that just because someone else doesn't make the same choice as you did, it's not an equally valid choice. The projection and judgment of people's own weddings who are different religions, live in a different place and time, want different things in their wedding, and have different cultural norms is just

(If I ever get married, I've already decided it's going to be about pleasing my husband and myself. The minute you try to please family, friends, coworkers, officiant, etc., you end up pleasing NO ONE. I have learned much from these threads. I will also accept any gift anyone chooses to give me without acting prissy.)

[Myskate]

^ Saint Francis Cabrini of Allen Park Michigan refused to marry us even though the new Father/Priest was younger than my husband at the time! I refused to beg (evangelical Christian/ not tied to Catholicism) said adios and found the Monastery to be a wonderful place that still placated my Catholic in-laws. We now attend a Bible church btw...and my DD attends private Christian school thanks to that experience.

You should have tried St. Constance Church in Taylor, Mi. Only a few miles away. Both my sons were baptized there even though I went to a different parish. The priest told me that he was happy that we were getting our kids baptized. That was what was important. Not if you were a member of the parish or not. I don't know if they are still this way. My youngest was baptized 15 years ago.

Cabrini is a pretty church--my mother went there when she was young-but there are quite a few nice looking Catholic churches in the downriver area that are much more liberal in their beliefs.