Wedding attendance/gift dilemma

[PDilemma]

Diocese of Arlington?

And yeah, I was wondering if the real stink was the priest needed the whole 'sign the agreement about raising the kids' thing. I did have a friend who opted to be married in her fiance's church (Baptist? I don't remember, vague Protestant denomination of some sort) because the local priest was very insistent on the 'waiver' being signed.

That and doing the required premarital counseling. Or there was a problem in premarital counseling. In the case of one wedding I was in, the couple was so far apart in values and attitudes on the premarital survey that two priests refused to marry them and they had to look pretty hard to find a Catholic church to get married in. They are divorced now; so the first two priests were right!

Not the Diocese of Arlington. It may be conservative, but it probably has nothing on the Diocese of Lincoln which has even refused to participate in the mandates to prevent and detect child abuse.

[bek]

Looking at the bigger picture, when I got married 20 years ago, my first concern was for my guests. I decided to get married in my husband's hometown instead of mine because he has a much bigger family. I held the reception at a hotel so guests could choose to stay over and I secured a group rate. No cash bar, I paid the tab. My mom made my veil and my dad paid for the rehersal dinner; otherwise I paid cash myself for everything including my honeymoon. What I got in cash gifts did not even cover my dinner expenses and I didn't care. I had a great party for my friends and family but I guess that is not what is important these days.

How do you know this couple isn't thinking of their guests. Just because where they are getting married is difficult for Louis to get too, doesn't mean its difficult for all of the guests. Perhaps its one of the bride/groom's hometown.

I know for example my mom was saying how her cousin's wife was from Dallas, and he was from Chicago. They feared if they picked one or the other it would be too difficult for the other's family. So they got married someplace in the middle.

Even if its I always dreamed of being married her-so what. And perhaps this destination wedding may end up being cheaper than a BIG wedding.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to how people choose their wedding. Some may want a big shindig, some may not. Some may want a big fancy honeymoon, some may feel the big fancy honeymoon is not as necessary, give them the wedding.

I think your an amazingly generous friend, Louis.

[FigureSpins]

They're not hoping for a payoff by inviting you. They genuinely would like you to attend, but they didn't want to pressure you if your family situation is a conflict. Don't feel guilty about not going and definitely don't let guilt drive your gift-giving.

I think the $1k is excessive in this case since it's inflated due to the travel. It would make them uncomfortable, especially since you've indicated that they can't reciprocate if the tables were turned. If you really adore this couple, I could see sending a gift of a few hundred dollars, but not a grand. You can always give them gifts for other occasions: housewarming, babies, etc. and put a little extra in because you care so much about them, but I wouldn't shock them with too much generosity. Just mho.

Since you really can't commit to attending the wedding, send your regrets now and a gift after the wedding.

If the stars align, and you can make the wedding as it comes closer, call and ask if they can fit you in somehow, then go if you want to go! I've found that any big affair will involve a few guests cancelling at the last minute. If it's past the "final headcount" date, the host/hostess have to pay for those meals anyway. So your joining them unexpectedly means you fill empty, paid-for seats and wish your friends bon chance on their happy day.

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..
um that part...

Sometimes, reading between the lines helps. At first glance, it might seem that Louis indicates that they are society people, but that's not what it really says, imo. To me, that quote means the couple both work in jobs that don't pay well but contribute to the betterment of society such as charitable groups, food kitchens, outreach centers, etc. In many areas, teachers are underpaid as are social workers and caregivers.

Louis just said the location was inconvenient, not that it's a "destination wedding" It sounds like they're having the wedding outside NYC, probably where one or both of them have a personal connection. If they were from Orlando and going home for their wedding, that would fit the description aptly.

They're paying for the wedding themselves and chose to have a celebration instead of paying for a fancy honeymoon trip. A little old-fashioned, who knows why, but not unheard of and it doesn't sound like they're going into debt; they're budgeting their money.

Louis - if they're upstanding public servants and you like them, go ahead and give them the gift in advance with a note that it's so they can have a nice honeymoon. I think it's an excessive amount that might make them go and say "Why did Louis do that? That's too much." It sounds like you want to help in a way that you're able to manage, but consider how it might affect this wonderful relationship that you have with them.

[terisalyn]

...Louis - if they're upstanding public servants and you like them, go ahead and give them the gift in advance with a note that it's so they can have a nice honeymoon. I think it's an excessive amount that might make them go and say "Why did Louis do that? That's too much." It sounds like you want to help in a way that you're able to manage, but consider how it might affect this wonderful relationship that you have with them.

ITA with the above. Louis, if the amount of the gift would cause an indebted feeling that may put a damper on the friendship, then it's too much.

[gkelly]

Oh, and I forgot to say, I had tourists at my wedding. That's the consequences of getting married at a Catholic Church that's also a National Historical Monument, I guess.

Did you sell postcards?

[milanessa]

Did you sell postcards?

She charged admission. Had to split it with the church, though.

[Cupid]

After reading here, I still cannot tell from your first post whether it is a destination wedding or if they live out of state and you would have to travel because of that. It also sounds like other posters here cannot decipher that either.

My suggestion to you would be to send a cash gift of $100-$200. This is very generous considering the fact that they aren't paying for your dinner at the reception. And also indicate that you'd like to fly out there to see them one day after your family situation is settled. This way, you can spend the rest of that money you were going to send them for your expenses when you travel there (again, if indeed they do live out of state). If they can barely afford a wedding and not a honeymoon at all, what are the chances that they will ever be able to afford to fly out to see you? Just my two cents.

[Angelskates]

Louis, I would give an amount you feel comfortable with and you think they will be comfortable with, but not make any suggestion as to how they spend it. I would also consider giving less, but giving a note saying you'll visit them later in the year and celebrate with them then.

[Aceon6]

My suggestion to you would be to send a cash gift of $100-$200. This is very generous

As someone so wisely said upthread, the size of a cash gift varies widely based on region, culture, socio-economic status and the age of the people getting married. Only Louis knows what is considered "generous" given the situation.

[manhn]

Only Louis knows what is considered "generous" given the situation.

Why are people saying this? Louis asked:

Would this be terribly rude? Is it too ostentatious?

[Lil Sarah]

I think your friends will understand if you aren't able to go to their wedding. A nice card with well wishes would be nice.

As someone who is getting married in 2012, without much money to put towards a wedding (we are both still making student loan payments and don't have great paying jobs), if you give the monetary gift ahead of time it would be wonderful for them to plan a bit of a honeymoon.

Many people have said $1,000 is too much but you know what to do in your heart. If you only came up with the $1,000 because it was your travel cost then you could go a little lower. Just make sure that by giving the money you aren't giving away money that you need.

[taf2002]

Our closest friends give bigger gifts than we do but we know the gifts are from the heart & they don't make us uncomfortable. Our other close friends give much smaller gifts than we do. We all know each other's circumstances & don't give it a thought. As long as the gift is what the giver & ther receiver is comfortable with, what other people think is immaterial.

[Louis]

I did not expect 90+ responses.

Anyway, it is NOT a destination wedding. The bride is from the area where the wedding will be held. It's just not in an incredibly convenient place from the East Coast, and there happens to be a major event going on the same weekend (which the couple did not know when they picked the date). The wedding plans themselves are very modest, but also super-cool. I'm amazed at what this couple put together on the budget they did and would love to attend the wedding. If it weren't for the family situation, which has already thrown a wrench into multiple travel plans this year, I'd definitely go regardless of cost.

And, no, the bride and groom are not "society" people; they're people who spent years in school and racked up tons of debt to do low-paying but really important jobs that they believe in (teaching & research). Neither of them is from a well-to-do family, which could make this the biggest wedding gift and a bit awkward . I would never expect reciprocation, and if Sweets and I ever get married (which neither of us is in any hurry to do), there will be a very strict no-gifts/charity-only policy. That said, it could throw off the dynamic of our friendship.....

Maybe $500 is safer, and I can put the other $500 aside for some other occasion. Sweets' first reaction to my idea was (even though I'd be the one writing the check), so I'm giving that a lot of weight, too. Maybe we could take them out for a very nice meal as well.

And, of course, there would be no strings attached to the gift. I mentioned honeymoon because I know they would like to go on one but can't right now, but they can do whatever they want with it.

Anyway, thank you for all of the input/advice!

[Jayar]

I'm planning on having a destination wedding one day. My family and friends are primarily in British Columbia and Quebec. My fiance's are in Manitoba, Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. We now live in Ontario. No matter where we have it and what we do, most people will have to travel, so why not make it a level playing field and get everyone a vacation out of it.

Ummm... because not everyone's idea of a vacation involves a wedding. I went to my best friend's wedding in Hawaii (while unemployed and on my savings) because she is my best friend. She was shocked that I was coming, but was over the moon. I did let her know that I would be there for 4 days... the day that I flew in, the day of rehearsal, the wedding day, and the day after I would fly home. She was fine with that. But I learned this...

Most who came for the wedding expected more from my best friend in terms of travel advice, places to stay (they didn't like the places she chose), etc. Destination weddings are for the bride & groom and few others. If you want a big wedding, you might as well just stay home.

[Jayar]

I did not expect 90+ responses.

Anyway, it is NOT a destination wedding. The bride is from the area where the wedding will be held. It's just not in an incredibly convenient place from the East Coast, and there happens to be a major event going on the same weekend (which the couple did not know when they picked the date). The wedding plans themselves are very modest, but also super-cool. I'm amazed at what this couple put together on the budget they did and would love to attend the wedding. If it weren't for the family situation, which has already thrown a wrench into multiple travel plans this year, I'd definitely go regardless of cost.

And, no, the bride and groom are not "society" people; they're people who spent years in school and racked up tons of debt to do low-paying but really important jobs that they believe in (teaching & research). Neither of them is from a well-to-do family, which could make this the biggest wedding gift and a bit awkward . I would never expect reciprocation, and if Sweets and I ever get married (which neither of us is in any hurry to do), there will be a very strict no-gifts/charity-only policy. That said, it could throw off the dynamic of our friendship.....

Maybe $500 is safer, and I can put the other $500 aside for some other occasion. Sweets' first reaction to my idea was (even though I'd be the one writing the check), so I'm giving that a lot of weight, too. Maybe we could take them out for a very nice meal as well.

And, of course, there would be no strings attached to the gift. I mentioned honeymoon because I know they would like to go on one but can't right now, but they can do whatever they want with it.

Anyway, thank you for all of the input/advice!

Louis, plan to send the gift that you feel that is appropriate... it's your gift. Since you are such good friends, I know that the bride will understand why you won't be coming. Next time you see said friend (and husband), take them out to dinner for a Louis-Sweets-Friend-Friend's husband only make-up reception and celebrate the wedding. I bet they would love it.

[KikiSashaFan]

If you want a big wedding, you might as well just stay home.

That's probably true but considering my entire wedding guest list has less than 50 people on it, all of whom have fully supported the idea, I'm not too worried.

[BigB08822]

I had a friend who couldn't get married in the Catholic Church of choice because her and her fiance were living together. The priest said they would have to move into separate places. It just made no sense for them to pay two of everything with rent, electricity, water, food, etc. They had to make the hard decision to get married at another Church. So I agree, something was probably left out about why exactly skatemommy was not allowed to get married in a particular church, I seriously doubt it had anything to do with inviting everyone in a 100 mile radius, that makes no sense. Could the church even hold that many people if they should all decide to come?

Louis, I think you have come to a good decision. $500 plus a really nice dinner when you see them sounds perfect.

[skatemommy]

^ Brian, I know it's hard to believe but my husband's family sent and paid for 6 children to attend parochial school at this parish. 4 boys were altar boys for 20+ years. We were shocked that the priest said we HAD to invite everyone within a 100 mile radius because we no longer lived in the Detroit area. I was like wow? You really won't marry me in my husband's families' boyhood church? It was a blessing in disguise as St. Paul's Monastery was so beautiful and the priest was amazing. But to be told by the priest who had only been there a year when my husbands family had been there 40 years that we weren't welcome was dissapointing.

[BigB08822]

^ Brian, I know it's hard to believe but my husband's family sent and paid for 6 children to attend parochial school at this parish. 4 boys were altar boys for 20+ years. We were shocked that the priest said we HAD to invite everyone within a 100 mile radius because we no longer lived in the Detroit area. I was like wow? You really won't marry me in my husband's families' boyhood church? It was a blessing in disguise as St. Paul's Monastery was so beautiful and the priest was amazing. But to be told by the priest who had only been there a year when my husbands family had been there 40 years that we weren't welcome was dissapointing.

Did the priest say this was some kind of church/parish policy or is this just of his own doing? It sounds so ridiculous, I have to wonder if he was just being a tool for some reason you and your husband may not have been aware of.

[skatemommy]

^ I believe he said it was the local diocese policy and he was going to lay down the letter of the law because he was new. Well, I wasn't going to beg them to take my money so I didn't press the issue. Sad really how the church beats down those that want to support it.