Wedding attendance/gift dilemma

[jp1andonly]

what a wonderful and gereous thing to do. At my wedding last summer we had one person give us cash of about 500. We were shocked and it brought hubby to tears. I didnt do a gift opening with friends or family so therefore no one knew what each person gave....

[PDilemma]

I don't think Louis said it was a destination wedding... maybe they live there?

It seems like a lovely gesture to me, as long as it comes accompanied by a card or a handwritten note, not just a check in the mail.

Years ago, a friend of mine from college got nothing but crap for her expensive "destination" wedding in a place that was a popular choice for that sort of thing at the time.

Except that she was born and raised there and getting married in the church where she was baptized and confirmed and where her parents were still members.

You can't make assumptions that someone is having a destination wedding because it is in a popular location.

[skatemommy]

Because you know almost nothing about these people and yet are rendering opinions on their choices when the reason Louis started the thread was to ask for opinions about his choice.

Looking at the bigger picture, when I got married 20 years ago, my first concern was for my guests. I decided to get married in my husband's hometown instead of mine because he has a much bigger family. I held the reception at a hotel so guests could choose to stay over and I secured a group rate. No cash bar, I paid the tab. My mom made my veil and my dad paid for the rehersal dinner; otherwise I paid cash myself for everything including my honeymoon. What I got in cash gifts did not even cover my dinner expenses and I didn't care. I had a great party for my friends and family but I guess that is not what is important these days.

[skaternum]

Since you asked, Louis, I think (a) it's too much and (b) kind of like enabling their bad choice. You're helping bail them out after they made the poor decision to spend $$$$ on an expensive destination wedding when they can't really afford it. THEY made the decision to forego a honeymoon for an expensive wedding. It's not your responsibility to help them pay for a honeymoon.

[milanessa]

Looking at the bigger picture, when I got married 20 years ago, my first concern was for my guests. I decided to get married in my husband's hometown instead of mine because he has a much bigger family. I held the reception at a hotel so guests could choose to stay over and I secured a group rate. No cash bar, I paid the tab. My mom made my veil and my dad paid for the rehersal dinner; otherwise I paid cash myself for everything including my honeymoon. What I got in cash gifts did not even cover my dinner expenses and I didn't care. I had a great party for my friends and family but I guess that is not what is important these days.

And if all that isn't being judgmental then I don't understand the meaning of the word. I'm not defending their choice nor denigrating it, it's not my business.

[skatemommy]

^uh, see skaternum's post. Word.

[dbell1]

Give the $ and a nice note. They're close enough to know about your family obligation and tell you to not even worry about it. They sound like terrific friends. I have a coworker who's pissed off about another coworker not making her 4th freaking wedding. Non attendee had just lost her mom 3 weeks prior and the wedding was 90 minutes away on a Friday at 5 pm.

Oh, and if I ever get married, can I invite you?

[milanessa]

^uh, see skaternum's post. Word.

I did and it's as ridiculous as most of her posts. I'm done, I have nothing more to say.

[BelleBway]

I think that if you sent a really nice note- explaining the same things as here- it would be a lovely gesture. If they are good friends, they will appreciate that you chose to send a very generous amount for the right reasons (as opposed to being ostentatious)

But then again, I've never been particularly concerned with society conventions.

[*Jen*]

Since you asked, Louis, I think (a) it's too much and (b) kind of like enabling their bad choice. You're helping bail them out after they made the poor decision to spend $$$$ on an expensive destination wedding when they can't really afford it. THEY made the decision to forego a honeymoon for an expensive wedding. It's not your responsibility to help them pay for a honeymoon.

Except that Louis didn't say that it was a destination wedding (one or both of them might be from there), nor did he say that it was an expensive wedding (just that they weren't in well paying jobs and could barely afford it). Louis also didn't say that it was his responsibility to pay for a honeymoon, just that he'd like to

Louis, I think it's a wonderful gesture. I don't know if it's considered too much money, if it was accompanied by an explanation of how much it would cost you to go there, how much you'd love to go, but how impossible it would be with the family situation. This way, you might not be able to make their wedding, but they'll remember you whenever they think of it because of the honeymoon

I think it's a great gift. If you're worried it's too much or inappropriate, is there anyone close to your friends, like their parents of siblings, who you could get a second opinion from?

[skaternum]

I did and it's as ridiculous as most of her posts. I'm done, I have nothing more to say.

Wow. Totally unnecessary. Glad you have nothing more to say -- goodness knows what it would be.

[mmscfdcsu]

Louis, you are the only one who knows how your friends would interpret such a huge gift. I know if it was me, I would feel awkward, as it would point out the large power/financial gap between me and you. I would also worry about how the heck I would reciprocate when I got a wedding invitation from you. I would be ashamed to give a gift that I could afford. I think that even a $500.00 gift would be astoundingly generous.
I still struggle at Christmas and birthday time when my best friend and her family go all out on me, spending several hundred dollars every time. I have finally accepted that they do this because I am buying for five of them and they are buing for 1 of me. We are probably spending fairly close to the same .

[skatemommy]

even if you get tons of money at a reception it's not like you can book a "better" honeymoon the next day. But then again I left the day after my wedding for the honeymoon, I couldn't even cash the checks - my dad took them home for me.

[KikiSashaFan]

The last few weddings I've been to the couple hasn't gone on their honeymoon until months after. Granted I live somewhere that's miserable in the winter, so people usually have nice summer weddings and then wait until winter to get away.

I gave cash to each one of those couples as well, between $50 - $200 depending on the people. I think what you're suggesting is a wonderful gesture.

[barbk]

Whatever you give, it is a real kindness to send the gift in advance of the wedding. You'd be saddened by the number of gift cards that get separated from the associated gifts, and dealing with the gifts at the reception is generally a hassle. And, if the bride and groom aren't going to be living where the wedding is taking place, that adds one more complexity that they don't really need.

I hope you can celebrate with your friends before too long.

[millyskate]

And if all that isn't being judgmental then I don't understand the meaning of the word. I'm not defending their choice nor denigrating it, it's not my business.

I agree

Since you asked, Louis, I think (a) it's too much and (b) kind of like enabling their bad choice. You're helping bail them out after they made the poor decision to spend $$$$ on an expensive destination wedding when they can't really afford it. THEY made the decision to forego a honeymoon for an expensive wedding. It's not your responsibility to help them pay for a honeymoon.

There is absolutely nothing in Louis' post that mentions a destination or an expensive wedding. For all you know they might be having it in their back yard.
And even if they weren't... you're in no position to label it a bad choice.

[vesperholly]

A friend of mine is getting married this summer on a holiday weekend in a place that's not terribly easy to get to and also happens to have a huge event going on that same weekend. (snip)

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

Please point out the phrase in this post where it says they're having a) a destination wedding and b) spending money on a lavish wedding.

[numbers123]

Looking at the bigger picture, when I got married 20 years ago, my first concern was for my guests. I decided to get married in my husband's hometown instead of mine because he has a much bigger family. I held the reception at a hotel so guests could choose to stay over and I secured a group rate. No cash bar, I paid the tab. My mom made my veil and my dad paid for the rehersal dinner; otherwise I paid cash myself for everything including my honeymoon. What I got in cash gifts did not even cover my dinner expenses and I didn't care. I had a great party for my friends and family but I guess that is not what is important these days.

I also think that you are being judgemental. Just because that was your idea of the perfect wedding, doesn't mean that it is everyone else's. My niece and nephew in law had a destination wedding on a cruise. They did not expect anyone to go on the cruise with them. I did, because at the time my finances allowed me to do that. Another niece and nephew in law got married in Las Vegas with a themed wedding. I attended that too, as my finances allowed it. My son and soon to be daughter in law will have a destination wedding. They do not expect people to attend (other than family). It has been her dream wedding since she was little. My older son and his wife had a wedding with a judge presiding over the event. And my youngest son had a wedding that could be described as shot gun in the backyard of a friend.
Weddings are for the couple. Guests are invited to share, but shouldn't be the focus.

Nowhere do I see that Louis indicated that this was a destination wedding (which to me implies that the couple would in fact have a honeymoon). From what I read, the couple either a) live some distance away or b) are returning to their home town to be married around family. I feel that Louis is asking if the gift is too much or should be a thing rather than money.
Louis you know your friends best, but they might be embarassed by such a large gift, knowing that there would be no way that they could reciprocate when you and Sweets get married.

[skatemommy]

Please point out the phrase in this post where it says they're spending money on a lavish wedding.

Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..

um that part...

[Aceon6]

Louis, I'd give the cash, but think a bit about whether it would stand out. If the family and friends include people who are well off, and yours isn't likely to be the only large check, go for it.