Rock Bottom

[brina]

Well FSUers, I again am asking for advice. I've asked you guys for family and relationship advice before. Some of you might remember, but it's not super important if you do. Essentially I just need some words of encouragement from you wise souls since it really feels like I've hit rock bottom. After two plus years of fighting through all odds to make a relationship work, it finally got to the point where he moved on to someone else. I know logically things weren't working and I should be happy I have the opportunity to meet the right person, but after just trying and reviving hope so many times and over a period of so long, it's just tough to stop that part of you, no matter the problems. I know there are far more important things going on in the world right now that I should be concerned about, but I'm just too caught up to think about it all properly. I might be almost 24, but he was really my only boyfriend so far, so I just feel like that makes it much more difficult for me to keep things in perspective. Has anyone else gone through this too?

[canbelto]

(((((hugs)))))) A long time ago I loved someone with all my heart, and found out after two years that he considered us "friends with benefits." He had found someone new, and wanted to break up with me, but that was the incredibly cruel way he did it.

I cried for what seems like days. Or months. I stopped eating. My hair started falling out. I never thought I'd be able to love anyone again. I wish I could tell you everything's going to be okay, but it's not going to be for awhile. It's going to hurt like hell.

But ... you will emerge from this a stronger person. You will have a good bullshit detector, and you will never let a man hurt you so much again. And least that's the way it was when I finally recovered from Mr. Ex From Hell.

[screech]

I cried for what seems like days. Or months. I stopped eating. My hair started falling out. I never thought I'd be able to love anyone again. I wish I could tell you everything's going to be okay, but it's not going to be for awhile. It's going to hurt like hell.

I have a friend who had the same experience as you. She told me that when she and her high school sweetheart broke up her parents forced her to go to therapy which she thought would be 'hokey' but helped out (she later graduated from university with a psychology degree). She locked herself in her room, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't talk to anyone, and just cried. When she started being slightly social again she started experimenting with drugs, though came out the other side with that one.

Eventually she and he managed to become acquaintances again (still talk on occasion), she had a few short-term relationships and a few longer ones. She's getting married next year to a guy who broke her heart a few months into their relationship, but with whom things were worked out really well (they've been together 5 years now).

I haven't had many relationships, but I've had a few rough times with mine; one in particular. He and I were together for a few years, but our relationship was really only good for one of those years. Extraneous circumstances affected both of us and we had a few confrontations, a few screaming matches, a few nights where one of us wouldn't sleep in our bedroom, and a few attempts at breaking up. Eventually we realized that while we still loved each other, it was no longer a romantic love, and we parted ways quite amicably, despite earlier animosity and suspicions. I count him now as one of my closest friends. It was a bit weird to think of him with someone else at first - just plain sex with someone else was easier to think about than thinking about him in a relationship, but at one point we thought about sleeping together again - purely for sex, and at first kiss I realized I no longer had any sexual attraction to him (though he still wanted it... I squirmed away giggling in discomfort), which has made things easier.

[brina]

Thank you both for your replies.

[ArtisticFan]

The end of anything is sad, especially when you identify with something (like a relationship) and when it is such a big part of your life. The truth is that there are no magic words that help in a situation like this.

This is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself and examine what is important to you in a relationship and from other people. Go some place that you and he would have never gone together. See a movie that you know he would hate. Blast his least favorite song on the car stereo.

I had a horrible break up when I was about your age. It certainly sent me through a spiral of guilt and shame over feeling anything for the guy at all. The best advice I can offer anyone in a similar situation is to feel whatever you're feeling about him, you, and your time together. Don't get caught up in what you think you should be feeling. If you're sad, then be sad about it. If you're happy, then be happy. It may change minute by minute, but embrace what you're feeling and know that is honestly your reaction for that moment in time. People will tell you how they think you shoud feel. You will think those things too. But you will find yourself feeling much better looking back if you just let yourself feel all the emotions that you have bubbling inside you.

[Anita18]

I agree that the end of something is always difficult, but I think it's especially difficult when you tried so hard to make it work. And sometimes it just doesn't work, especially when it comes to people.

Give yourself permission to feel angry or sad or whatever. It's perfectly legitimate to do that. And even though you're 24 and have had only one bf, guess what? There's a lot of experiences waiting for you and now you have the opportunity to pursue what you really want.

I was a bit afraid after my first relationship ended, that I was gonna find myself in the same type of relationship in the future. But it REALLY depends on the person you find yourself with. It took a really long time (was single for 6 years) but I'm now in a relationship with someone who completely accepts me and I've got the maturity now to make it into a different kind of relationship than before. So believe me, you've got lots of time, but in the meantime, allow yourself to feel what you want.