Is it possible to cancel Christmas next year?

[SoNaoWat?]

Feel for ya! My family's not too messed up, though. My biggest thing is that one of my sisters only has one kid (to my three) and the other sister has none. Yet they and everyone else in the family seem like they are ALWAYS telling my kids what to do and criticizing their behaviors, either directly or indirectly (like by throat clearings, eye rollings, and heaving sighs) which drives me berserk. I am always on edge when we're having a full-family get-together, because I'm always afraid every little thing my kids say or do, someone's going to have a problem with it.

Maybe I'm just the one with the problem? Oh well. Fortunately not too many occasions require us all to get together for extended periods, except for the upcoming family vacation I may start another thread about.

As for you, Woodstock, I'd say spending Christmas with just your boyfriend and his family or off by yourself somewhere sounds perfect!!! Go for it!

[barbk]

Woodstock --

I know someone who has a pretty toxic family for the holidays -- she instead volunteers every year at the community Christmas dinner for the homeless and folks living in shelters. She really enjoys it, and just tells her family that these folks need her -- "so sorry I can't be with you!"

I know I'd have a hard time looking forward to Christmas as you've described it.

There's no win on the presents front. My mom used to buy me clothes -- she especially liked yellow, a color which inevitably makes me look like I have severe jaundice and need immediate hospitalization. I gave up -- she was going to buy yellow clothes -- because she liked yellow -- and I just gave them to the thrift store. I liked to think that there was a black woman out there walking around looking gorgeous in my yellow clothes. She also bought me a never-ending supply of crafts kits -- and I do NOT do crafts. I think it comes under accepting what you cannot change. (It doesn't mean that I'm taking up mosaic ashtrays any time soon, thought.)

[woodstock]

I'm seriously considering bailing on my family next year. But I also know it would hurt and alienate them to the max, have to decide if it's just better off to suck up a few hours of side comments/looks or just plain tension. My boyfriend already offered that I could ditch and be with his whole family next year, but I wouldn't feel quite right doing that until we were married. It's one thing for my cousin to ditch on my family when he's six hours away, another for me to bail when I'm a 20 minute drive distance.And to bail in order to spend christmas with people I am not even related to in any blood or legal way. At least I spent most of the day-time with my boyfriend and his son (he has primary custody). He offered his ex the opportunity to come by for the morning to be with their son as he opened gifts under the tree, but she declined (guess she decided she had better things to do ). So I got to be there and enjoy their company instead.

As for the clothes, I guess I'm channeling some of the frustration onto objects. Still, I hate that she spends her good money for me to have something, when all I'll do is give it away behind her back. I know that she would have a fit if she knew I did that each year. She literally expects that I will wear everything, its why she won't provide gift receipts. I'd rather have one simple well-thought appropriate and meaningful gift from her, showing that she took consideration and understanding of me as a person, than a million meaningless pieces of clothing from her given to me just for the sake of making sure she gave "the most" and outdid everyone else in volume-as if it's a contest. I'd rather she keep her money in her pocket, if she chooses to not give from the heart.

[PeterG]

When my sister doesn't want to be part of our family Christmas dinners, she volunteers to feed people at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Maybe that's something you could do, focus on providing for those less fortunate. Take some time and think about whether it would be a good idea for you to invite your family to join you in doing this. Or do it alone and tell them you are not available for Christmas dinner as you already have plans.

One year I just told everybody that I was taking the year off. On the 24th, I bought some 2-4-1 pizzas and I had a bunch of DVDs from the library and spent the 25th watching movies and eating pizza. It was a great Christmas.

[skateycat]

My sister did not come to Christmas because we politely asked her not to bring her Rottweiler mixed dog. We have a cat and it was terrified the last time it was here. Dog growled and lunged at my husband. Jumped on the furniture and peed in the house. Yet I am the unreasonable one... bah humbug.

My sister in law traveled here with her three Siberian huskies from six hundred miles away and tried to impose them on us, on my stepdaughter and on her parents. Then the car she drove up in died, and while she did get a local kennel for the three dogs, my stepdaughter was badgered into transporting the three Siberian Huskies (!!!) to the kennel in her fiance's 2008 Prius.

We all told her not to bring them.

Bleh.

[Rob]

Ugh Toxic Christmas. Find a way out!

[skateycat]

Some people just think funny. Or are stinkers. Or they don't listen. Or maybe they even get off on not listening to you.

My stepmother used to get me daily calendars featuring the Far Side comic every Christmas. The first few years it was all right, but I don't do daily calendars very well. I don't change them for weeks or even months at a time. And I was getting bored with the comic - I'm not that big a fan.

So one year when I provided her with a list of things I wanted for Christmas. I wrote down "NOT a Far Side daily calendar please." What did I get?

A Far Side daily calendar AND a Far Side monthly calendar.

[Marge_Simpson]

My holiday was horrid. I won't go into details but I ended up spending it alone, not with my insane family.
For several years now I have said that I should take a vacation during Christmas. I am actually going to do it in 2011. I swear.
If anyone is interested in an FSU anti-holiday group tour, I say we should get something organized. We can all go somewhere voidy, drink lots of alcohol, and watch skating DVD's together.

[my little pony]

i think the person that organizes the fsu anti holiday tour will make a fortune

and by tour, all you would have to do is get a tv, a stack of skating videos, alcohol and a pile of take out menus and people will flock to you

[Marge_Simpson]

True, but the tour should be someplace warm, I think. And have lots of chocolates.

[genevieve]

you lost me at "someplace warm"

[kwanfan1818]

I'm seriously considering bailing on my family next year. But I also know it would hurt and alienate them to the max, have to decide if it's just better off to suck up a few hours of side comments/looks or just plain tension.

You've described paragraphs of their behavior, which don't read like a "few hours of side comments/looks or just plain tension". They read like many hours of hurting and alienating you.

[Marge_Simpson]

you lost me at "someplace warm"

Err, like the Bahamas? Or a cruise to Jamaica,,,,,,,,,,

[skatesindreams]

i think the person that organizes the fsu anti holiday tour will make a fortune

and by tour, all you would have to do is get a tv, a stack of skating videos, alcohol and a pile of take out menus and people will flock to you

In all seriousness, I would participate in such a tour!

[hydro]

My holiday was horrid. I won't go into details but I ended up spending it alone, not with my insane family.
For several years now I have said that I should take a vacation during Christmas. I am actually going to do it in 2011. I swear.
If anyone is interested in an FSU anti-holiday group tour, I say we should get something organized. We can all go somewhere voidy, drink lots of alcohol, and watch skating DVD's together.

Isn't Japanese Nationals usually around Christmas day in the US?

[Rob]

I was going to say Japanese or Russian Nationals sound like the cure. Not warm though.

[Marge_Simpson]

Christmas in DC would be fun, even if it's cold. We could take over the Cocosala for the evening and have alcohol and chocolates.
http://www.cocosala.com/shop/

[woodstock]

Hmm....DC is within driving distance. I could swing that and avoid next christmas at home. I make an excellent holiday spice sangria!

[Civic]

I'm seriously considering bailing on my family next year. But I also know it would hurt and alienate them to the max...

So? They don't seem to mind hurting and alienating you. Why should you tiptoe around their feelings if they don't reciprocate?

My boyfriend already offered that I could ditch and be with his whole family next year, but I wouldn't feel quite right doing that until we were married.

Spending a highly stressful Christmas with your toxic family or spending it with your boyfriend's family aren't your only choices. Other posters have suggested helping out at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen on Christmas. Or a movie marathon accompanied by whatever food/snacks you feel like preparing? There are worse things than spending a holiday alone. You could approach it as a challenge: I'm going to spend next Christmas alone and I'm not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself while doing so.

It's one thing for my cousin to ditch on my family when he's six hours away, another for me to bail when I'm a 20 minute drive distance.

It sounds as if you were manipulated into becoming the family martyr. This requires your cooperation. Stop giving it. Yeah, your parents, aunt and uncle will fuss and hollar but they're already making your miserable.

Still, I hate that she spends her good money for me to have something, when all I'll do is give it away behind her back. I know that she would have a fit if she knew I did that each year. She literally expects that I will wear everything, its why she won't provide gift receipts. I'd rather have one simple well-thought appropriate and meaningful gift from her, showing that she took consideration and understanding of me as a person, than a million meaningless pieces of clothing from her given to me just for the sake of making sure she gave "the most" and outdid everyone else in volume-as if it's a contest. I'd rather she keep her money in her pocket, if she chooses to not give from the heart.

As you've already figured out...your mother's doesn't give you Christmas presents to please you. She does it to impress the rest of the family. IMO, you're under no obligation to consider her feelings in this matter since she obviously doesn't consider yours. Give the clothes away. If she asks about them, tell her the truth. They didn't fit or didn't flatter you so you gave them to people who could use them.

I'm not suggesting that you be rude or nasty to your family. I'm merely suggesting that you stop letting them push you around. You might also want to ask yourself why you've clung to your designated role in your family for so long? What do you get out of it? Do you like being seen as "the good girl"?

[Bev Johnston]

Feel for ya! My family's not too messed up, though. My biggest thing is that one of my sisters only has one kid (to my three) and the other sister has none. Yet they and everyone else in the family seem like they are ALWAYS telling my kids what to do and criticizing their behaviors, either directly or indirectly (like by throat clearings, eye rollings, and heaving sighs) which drives me berserk. I am always on edge when we're having a full-family get-together, because I'm always afraid every little thing my kids say or do, someone's going to have a problem with it.

Maybe I'm just the one with the problem? Oh well. Fortunately not too many occasions require us all to get together for extended periods, except for the upcoming family vacation I may start another thread about.

I used to go through this with my MIL and SIL. They didn't agree with my style of discipline and took every holiday as an opportunity to warn me that my kids were going to grow up to be no-good losers if I didn't spank them. The divorce put an end to all of that, though, ha!! And, I got the last laugh a few weeks ago when my ex-MIL called to find out when my daughter would be home from school so that she could make plans to have her over, and she actually COMPLIMENTED me on how I've raised my kids. They are doing very well in school and aren't having the problems that my ex-SILs kids are having. I felt pretty satisfied and smug after that conversation.

I spent the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my divorce alone. It was heavenly. After my kids' dad picked them up, I watched skating until dark, then took the dog for a long walk (incredibly quiet and peaceful after dark on Christmas) and then went to see a movie. The only awkward moment was when a good friend dropped by at 2pm to drop off presents and I was still in my pajamas. The next day I was refreshed and felt so good that I started off with an early workout and a trip to the post-holiday sales.