Family Issues... (again), how can I help my brother?

[Jenny]

I have to wonder if there is some jumping to conclusions here. Is it certain that brother stole the gin? Has he made any explanation about the money, because is it possible that because it was a joint account he honestly thought he was entitled to it, or fully planned to pay it back?

And what evidence is there that he's an "addict" in need of rehab? Drinking, having alcohol in one's room, and sometimes drinking to excess is something very common among first year college students. Further, the instinct to lie about it is common for kids who grew up in homes where there was little alcohol, or that are strongly religious. Prescription drugs are another thing, but without knowing more about his history, it's hard to know if he may or may not be going too far with them - as brina said, he's "supposedly" abusing - what is the truth?

I think it's important to get the brother's side of all this, not assume the worst (prepare for it, but don't assume it), give him some credit and support for what is often a difficult time of transition, and *then* see if something needs to be done about it.

We can't parent our siblings, or tell our parents how to do it, but we can be there for our siblings and be good sisters and brothers to them.

[brina]

He admitted to stealing the gin to me. He felt guilty because grandpa was accusing me after he denied it. He also admitted to spending all of the money trying to buy drugs, but he "was ripped off." I'm not saying there may be a more reasonable explanation, but he did admit to those things. And he currently doesn't have a job so he couldn't expect to pay it back, and is aware that our sister pays tuition regularly with the little money she makes throughout the year.

[Anita18]

You can't parent your brother, but you can be a sister to him and tell him honestly that he's being an a-hole for doing those things to his own family. Then it's up to him to decide to change. In the meantime, definitely watch out for yourself.

IMO, family doesn't mean you enable. Family means you give them tough love to be the best self-sufficient person they can be.

I mean, if his family isn't going to be honest with him, who is? His friends who might be enabling him?

[Civic]

Brina, how is your brother doing academically?

[Civic]

Brina, how is your brother doing academically?

Oops, you mentioned this earlier. Sorry. I agree with other posters that your first priority should be to take care of yourself. Be prepared for your parents to expend most of their time, energy and money on your brother. Also, be prepared for them to blame you for protecting yourself from him. It's not fair but I've seen this play out in other families.

Otoh, your sister could probably use your advice and support right now. Like you, she needs to take care of herself, even if your parents pressure her to "not be so hard" on your brother. One bit of sisterly advice you might want to pass on if you haven't already done so: She needs to open her own bank account that only she can access ASAP.

[brina]

Yeah, you all were right about just leaving this one alone. My parents and my grandparents are going to treat my brother however they see fit, whether it is best for him or not, and it would be wise of me to not waste much energy on it. I still care about my brother, but I can't fix things out of my control.