Halp....A relationship dilemma

[Satellitegirl]

So I just returned from visiting my boyfriend(long distance relationship) and had a decent visit overall. We did have one squabble while I was there though, and it occurred when one of my bf's female online friends texted him wondering where he was at. He had previously told her when I'd be visiting, but supposedly she forgot.

This girl used(supposedly used to) have a crush on him. He told her he wanted nothing to do with her in that way, but still talks to her as a friend. She's a very needy type that likes attention from guys and goes after the unattainable(this is what my bf has told me). They have never met in person...but the last time my bf and I broke up, she asked him to come visit. He refused.

Anyhow, I find the whole situation somewhat inappropriate, given that I don't think her intentions are entirely pure. I also get annoyed because I feel like my bf uses her as someone to stroke his ego(even though he claims he doesn't).

So yeah, we got in to an argument about her texting him, when I was there visiting. We talked it out, and I said I thought it was inappropriate...he said he'd tell her not to text. He was the one that offered that up.

So cut to last night, and I had asked him if he mentioned it to her...and he tells me that he told her about the argument we had about the text. He said he didn't go into detail about what we said. But he told her that the argument was about her and the text she sent. He then said she started saying how she didn't understand why it was an issue, and he agreed with her. This...understandable or not, really pissed me off....I felt like it became a them against me thing.

Anyhow, it's a very annoying situation, and it's not the first argument over this girl. I feel like he was very non-supportive of me to discuss an argument we had, with her, and to almost turn it into a them vs me situation.

Just looking for some thoughts from some others of whether I was way out of line or not. I realize my reaction was a bit of an overreaction with regards to the actual text, but him going to her and discussing our argument is unacceptable to me.

[Karina1974]

I'll only say this -- until you are married to him, who he's friends with is not your call in any sense. Keep making this an issue and it could very well turn into an you vs. them scenario -- with you on the outside looking in.

[Aceon6]

Satellitegirl, I'm thinking that if the girl was more than a friend, he probably wouldn't have mentioned your visit at all so that he could keep juggling the two of you. What he did was more like what you would tell a friend. "You texted me and my gf got upset." I'd let it go. Long distance relationships are tough that way as both of you have other lives when you're not together.

[WindSpirit]

I'll only say this -- until you are married to him, who he's friends with is not your call in any sense.

And when you're married to someone you get to decide that?

Satellitegirl, it's hard to asses someone's situation from a few chosen facts, but to me there's something off in your story. It's weird that your boyfriend shared that argument with his friend in so much detail -- a friend he's never met and probably doesn't even know that long. Even if he didn't understand why it made you upset when it happened, he should after you explained it. And being your boyfriend, he should be interested in not making you upset. He also should have kept the details of your argument to himself.

Btw, I have friends whom I've never met, one I've been corresponding with since 1989, so I do consider him a close friend. He has a fiancee, I would never try to come between him and her. Even though I've known him years and years before she did. I wouldn't let him come between me and some other guy, either. You don't even do it with your best friends, I don't think. Unless they're with someone who's taking advantage of them, but then again, you still have to thread lightly because you might lose a friendship that way. A friend knows when to stand back, sometimes even if they know you're making a mistake. If they are in your business all the time, there's something wrong. And if your boyfriend doesn't mind that his friend does it... I don't know if he's just clueless, or he considers that girl a closer friend that you think, or doesn't consider you both as a strong union you might think, or is just an asshole who doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own, but something doesn't add up in the whole thing.

[Anita18]

And when you're married to someone you get to decide that?

Yeah, you can't control what people want to do or want to be friends with. That's the fastest route to detesting your partner, and by then the relationship's as good as done.

So you can't control what he says to this girl, but you can control how you feel about it. The fact that she asked him to visit her and he refused is a good sign. I know some people who like their ego stroked by the opposite sex every once in a while, but still being faithful to their partner. It means that they have some self-esteem issues they need to work out, but as long as it doesn't go too far, I don't think it's harmful in itself.

So all you can really do is explain to him why it made you upset (and being defensive for feeling it's a them vs. me situation is VERY legitimate), listen to his explanations of the situation, and at least come to an understanding of that. Clearing the air can help a lot, and maybe that's all you need to do to feel better about it.

I recently read some relationship advice on a geek forum populated mostly by guys, and over this bit: "To take the pretentious way out, Schrodinger's cat. At the moment, you don't know what's going on, so she's both cheating on you with this douche, and being faithful. Your best bet is to masturbate more."

[Karina1974]

And when you're married to someone you get to decide that?

You're the one using the word "decide" not me.

One of the biggest reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship myself is because I am very independent, and such nonsense like the guy being jealous over the fact that I have male buddies and that I flirt with my male partners when I go folk dancing, or incessant calls to my cell phone if I pick up and go on a road trip without *gasp* letting him know first are things I will not put up with, and are instant deal-breakers. I've spent the past 10 months not being involved with anyone, and it has been the best 10 months of my adult life, after 16 years of being "involved" with someone in one form or another, because I am in complete control of all aspects of my life, and I do whatever the feck I want to do without ever having to "consider" anybody's else's (guys') feelings.

In a marriage, however, you do have more leverage than if you are just dating somebody. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, with a lot invested in it, whereas a relationship between two single people is not to the same extent and, IMO, shouldn't be. You're going to go combining things like assets, bank accounts or buying common property like a house, you'd better go so far as to make it legal. If one spouse has a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, and the closeness is making the other spouse uncomfortable, especially if there is evidence that the friend, the spouse, or both is acting improperly, yes, by all means there should be some adjustments made in the friendship, such as both spouses being present when one is hanging out with their opposite-sex friend.

[IceKween]

You are overreacting. Long distance relationships are tough and require a certain level of trust. If he can't even receive a text from someone he's NEVER met, then IMO you need to readjust your jealousy barometer. It will only drive a wedge between you two. I'm good friends with most of my exes, and a huge turnoff for me is the jealousy thing when I talk with my exes.

And why bother arguing? Life is too short. Enjoy the time you do have together. Maybe he likes the ego stroking but after all YOU are the girlfriend.

[Anita18]

One of the biggest reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship myself is because I am very independent, and such nonsense like the guy being jealous over the fact that I have male buddies and that I flirt with my male partners when I go folk dancing, or incessant calls to my cell phone if I pick up and go on a road trip without *gasp* letting him know first are things I will not put up with, and are instant deal-breakers. I've spent the past 10 months not being involved with anyone, and it has been the best 10 months of my adult life, after 16 years of being "involved" with someone in one form or another, because I am in complete control of all aspects of my life, and I do whatever the feck I want to do without ever having to "consider" anybody's else's (guys') feelings.

It REALLY depends on the couple. I only get annoyed when my bf is out all day, doesn't take my apartment keys, and doesn't leave a note as to when he'll be back. Because that means I'll have to stay close to home so I'll be there when he calls to be let in. It's simply a logistical issue.

I keep on telling him to bring the keys when he goes out and I can go in through the backyard gate, but he keeps on forgetting. Men... At least he doesn't get upset if I'm not home if he calls to be let in. But it still makes me feel bad for having him wait by the curb.

[mkats]

You are overreacting. Long distance relationships are tough and require a certain level of trust. If he can't even receive a text from someone he's NEVER met, then IMO you need to readjust your jealousy barometer. It will only drive a wedge between you two. I'm good friends with most of my exes, and a huge turnoff for me is the jealousy thing when I talk with my exes.

I agree with this.

[Satellitegirl]

Thanks all for the input I had apologized to him earlier this evening. Told him I was sorry for overreacting, and realized I had no say in who he was friends with. It wasn't a trust thing for me as far as thinking he would cheat...I know he wouldn't, because he doesn't have the personality for it, and he hates cheaters himself. It was more of a useless and silly power struggle with the type of girl I used to not like in high school. But as my bf said, I don't know her that well so I can't really judge. and she's always been there when he needs someone to listen(they've known each other online for 5 years or so) And I know he's not interested in her in that way. So I think things are fine. I just needed some input to help me chill out. So thanks! Irrational episode complete. lol

[mkats]

Good for you Best of luck w/ the long distance - I'm in one myself, so I know how it feels!

[VIETgrlTerifa]

Nevermind. I see the issue has been resolved.

[Satellitegirl]

I saw your post, and thanks for the input VIET

[numbers123]

In a marriage, however, you do have more leverage than if you are just dating somebody. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, with a lot invested in it, whereas a relationship between two single people is not to the same extent and, IMO, shouldn't be. You're going to go combining things like assets, bank accounts or buying common property like a house, you'd better go so far as to make it legal. If one spouse has a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, and the closeness is making the other spouse uncomfortable, especially if there is evidence that the friend, the spouse, or both is acting improperly, yes, by all means there should be some adjustments made in the friendship, such as both spouses being present when one is hanging out with their opposite-sex friend.

I see that OP has had her question answered, so this is in response to the choosing of friends in a marriage. It comes down to trust. If DH was concerned about my talking to other guys via internet, I would not be responding to several posters on FSU. Some of those male posters I have met in RL - Jamesy, UMBS, Spinner to name a few. I've observed several relationships that went to hell in a handbasket because of tight control over who is friends with whom.

I've said it before, but DH and I have different interests. He knows that I love figureskating and I know that he loves sailing and genology. If we were uncomfortable about the chatting situtations we would express our distress with each other as the OP did with her BF. It sometimes helps for a little perspective which is what she asked us about.

[WindSpirit]

You're the one using the word "decide" not me.

Well, you used the words "it's your call" which would be pretty much the same thing.

[Carolla5501]

As someone who had done "long distance" relationship for years.... you either trust him or you don't... and if you don't cut your lossses now. I read the OPs statement of how she apologized, but I think that there is still an issue.

[Satellitegirl]

Yeah there was, and I broke up with him today. It wasn't just this issue, there were others. I was unhappy, he was unhappy. We're both better off, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now at least.

[Anita18]

Sorry to hear that, but it's good that you decided to call it off. Nobody should be unhappy in a relationship.

[VIETgrlTerifa]

Now that you guys broke up, I want to say that although I do think you should be able to trust your bf, especially in a long-distance relationship, I didn't like how he didn't respect your position and got him and the girl to tell you how ridiculous your feelings were from what I gathered. It's not as if she was just a close friend of his who happened to be a girl, but she was a person who told him that she had feelings for him and yet he kept himself in a vulnerable position to be tempted (whether she was an online friend or not is besides the point to me). I know he said it was out of his friendship to her, but maybe it was also the attention from her that he liked.

Either way, I'm sorry to hear about your break up, but am happy for you if this really is the best thing for the both of you.

[orbitz]

I've said it before, but DH and I have different interests. He knows that I love figureskating and I know that he loves sailing and genology. If we were uncomfortable about the chatting situtations we would express our distress with each other as the OP did with her BF. It sometimes helps for a little perspective which is what she asked us about.

Yeah, but would most guys really be concerned if their significant others chat with other guys about .... figure skating ? I don't think so .