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  1. #21
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    Its so hard to grow up, let go and be your own person. In my 30's I did things out of guilt and what I thought was obligation to my parent.

    In my 40's I had no choice to the burden of obligations since my parent became disabled.

    In my 50's I wonder what I was thinking in my 30's, and accepted what I must do in my 40's.


    Live your life in YOUR direction, be polite to those who disagree and end relationships that you must. Your parents want to be grandparents its natural and sadly no matter how you explain it they won't understand...so move on!
    Without fear you cannot find courage

  2. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jayar View Post
    Be like the rest of us FSUers are tell them to piss off. I dare you to post 'Piss off' as your facebook status.
    I still like this idea. I know it's probably not feasible, but . At the very least, kick them the hell off your Facebook page.

    And congratulations on getting into the program.
    "Liking this sport is ridiculous, so you’re a little different for liking it, she explained. But you’re allowed to like what you like." - Robert Samuels

  3. #23
    The wiener takes it all
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    You can put all of these family members into a group on Facebook and then keep them from seeing your updates, or block them individually. Here is a video on how to do this.

    Also, when you post a comment, there is usually a little drop down menu with a lock (appears next to the "Share" button) that allows you to control who sees that particular post. This is helpful when you want to keep certain folks from seeing your posts but you don't want to de-friend them and have them know about it.

    (((ArtisticFan))) and good luck!

  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by essence_of_soy View Post
    Pity you can't apply for new 'family and friends' online.
    Congratulations on your course.
    Applauding both of these thoughts!

  5. #25
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    Your family and friends aren't the ones who would 1) be putting the effort into the degree or 2) caring for the child that they seem to want you to have. Your family members are the ones who are "selfish" if they seem to think that it's within their rights to tell you when and if you should have children. No one has an "obligation" to have children, but you do have an obligation to yourself and your husband to make your lives as happy and fulfilling for yourselves as possible.

    I don't think that you're overreacting either, but I also don't suggest completely and totally cutting off your family. That's what that my mother did with her siblings, and I think that it's something that she's come to regret, even though their relationship was strained. However, I would make it clear that you think that they are being out of line, and I definitely think that you're justified in creating some serious distance between you and them. I'm also a believer in the idea that friends are the family that you chose, and it sounds like you have a group who have their heads on straight. If you're going to be treated badly when you go to family events, don't go and spend that time with friends who you actually like being with and who support you.

    On another note, congrats on the PhD program! That's an amazing accomplishment, and it's sad that your family cannot see how proud they should be to be related to someone so intelligent.

  6. #26

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    Congrats on getting into the program.

    If your husband (who seems awesome ) is supportive and is agreement with you about having children, who else's opinion would be more important than his?

    Seriously, people need to mind their own business. I believe that the decision to have children (or how many, while we are at it) should stay between the married couple. After all, they are who will be raising and supporting the child.

    At least you know who to delete off your Facebook friend list if you want to.

  7. #27

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    I'll agree with what others have said ^^

    Remember, you have relatives, and then you have "family." They don't need to be the same people. I've got a lot of relatives, but only a few that I consider "family."

  8. #28

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    ArtisticFan -- congratulations on getting into the PhD program. And sympathy for the boorish comments some of your family made.

    We didn't have a child for quite a while after we married, though we wanted one sooner, and the comments and prods we got from family members were also painful. It has taught me not to ask couples what their plans are, and I wish others would follow that same approach.

  9. #29
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    WOW. I dont even know what to say. I can tell you that i am over 100% sure if I posted that on facebook I would have nothing but support, and I am 33 married and have no children yet. As for the self validation thing...I don't think it seems like that at all. Sounds like people are jealous. Please do what is right for you. I am actually almost upset by your post becuase I cannot believe those people are so selfish.

    I would keep posting facebook updates LOL and when someone writes something like that just write back "oh thanks for the input but I was not looking for advice or opinions...just sharing something that I thought was exciting" and then DELETE them all. muhahahahha.

  10. #30
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    Congrats on the Ph.D. program and condolences on having family members that are jerks.

    I long ago learned to tune out family members who disapproved of my career plans and decision not to have children. I also cut a very cruel and toxic family member out of my life and never regretted it. But, for the most part, I think annoying or obnoxious family members are just a part of life.

  11. #31
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    It's very likely that these people responded the way they did because they're unsure or dissatisfied with their own lives. They may have their own economic insecurities and want to diminish what you've accomplished with your job and getting accepted into a PhD program.

    However, none of that excuses their behavior or their comments to you. When you share good news, it's reasonable to expect that your family and friends will be happy for you and support your efforts. It's possible they thought they were being helpful, even though you didn't ask for their advice. I wouldn't completely cut them out, but I'd limit the personal details I share with them.

    Congrats!
    "The Devil is joining in, and that's never a good sign." Phil Liggett

  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christina View Post

    Remember, you have relatives, and then you have "family." They don't need to be the same people.

    Truer words were never spoken. I'm never sure why more people don't seem to understand this.



    Congrats on your program acceptance!

  13. #33

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    Congrats on the PhD program!!!

  14. #34
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    Congrats on being accepted into the PhD program

    Anti- to the family from which you came, which is acting like a cult.

    that your husband, the family that you chose and created, has your back.
    "The team doesn't get automatic capacity because management is mad" -- Greg Smith, agile guy

  15. #35

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    Congratulations from me as well Artistic Fan.

    Don't let your family's bad behaviour ruin the pride and pleasure you take in your accomplishment.

    It is your family, not you, who is being selfish.

  16. #36

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    Quote Originally Posted by Garden Kitty View Post
    It's very likely that these people responded the way they did because they're unsure or dissatisfied with their own lives.
    ITA with this in a sense though I don't think it is necessarily because they are dissatisfied but just want to affirm their own choices.

    Right after college, friends made all kinds of assumptions about me that led to some rude comments that I wanted to be a selfish career woman and didn't want kids. It wasn't true, and I have no idea where they got that from, except that I did have a career. But really what I found was that their comments were really about reassuring themselves about THEIR OWN choices. 80% of the stuff people say has nothing to do with the object of the comments and all to do with people's own mind games with themselves.
    What would Jenny do?

  17. #37

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    Congrats on the PhD!

    As for those who want grandchildren - offer them to have more children and ask those other children to give them grandchildren (yes, having this issue with my mother. Always tell her to ask her other daughter to have children. Oh, she doesn't have another daughter? well, tough)

  18. #38
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    I was just accepted into a Master's Program. When I posted on Facebook, most friends were incredibly supportive. However, a few with kids had to post a diatribe about how I can do this because I don't have kids and they can't do any such thing because they do have kids and one even went so far as to say that I am "lucky I have no idea what sacrifice is" since I don't have kids. That woman has two kids in school and her facebook page seems to indicate that she sleeps until 9 every morning while her husband takes them to school then plays Farmville all day. So I guess what's stopping her from pursuing more education is that no one offers a degree in Farmville.

    My take on these people: they are jealous that you have the freedom and the GUTS to go back to school. And the second one is a bigger deal than the first. I'll be working two jobs while doing my degree and raiding my retirement fund to pay for it--and making less money than I did before, plenty of sacrifice. These people probably have the means to do it if they wanted to, they just don't have the courage to take the leap and do it.

    So my advice is...laugh at them. They are pathetic!

  19. #39
    I <3 Kozuka
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    Quote Originally Posted by snoopy View Post
    But really what I found was that their comments were really about reassuring themselves about THEIR OWN choices. 80% of the stuff people say has nothing to do with the object of the comments and all to do with people's own mind games with themselves.
    This must be the corollary to what I heard for the first time in a class at the Justice Institute of British Columbia earlier in the week in the context of unmet needs/interests: when people are yelling, they're not yelling at you, they're yelling for themselves.
    "The team doesn't get automatic capacity because management is mad" -- Greg Smith, agile guy

  20. #40
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    ArtisticFan
    Congrats on getting into the program and having a supportive husband urging you to attend!
    The family brouhaha will subside, especially if you concentrate on your home life with your husband. That life says to attend school, from what you have told us. Go! Try! You do not want to be plagued by "whatif"s when you are older. And good luck.
    Sit vis nobiscum.
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