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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by milanessa View Post
    I absolutely should not have posted what I did. I apologize.
    That is okay. Though we don't often agree, I do like you.

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    I'm very grateful that my parents supported me financially as much as they could throughout my studies, despite receiving very litlle income themselves.
    I started working when I was a teenager, and did throughout my studies, but that never was anywhere near enough to cover my expenses. My parents paid my rent through college, and scholarships plus my own income covered fees and living expenses.
    I am very aware that they achieved this by prioritizing their children rather than by "being able to afford it".

    I'm now working and saving up for a masters, and hopefully I will get through all of my rather long and complicated education path debt free (for undergrad my sisters and I were exempt of tuition fees though, so I realize it's not achievable for everyone)

    When I had to briefly return home for a few months on two accasions, my parents did not want rent paid; I did make an effort to contribute to food and house expenses. Not that they really let me.... I try to help them save by regifting all of my old furniture and appliances to them (I used to have a flat on my own, no longer do), but I realise their offering money is just a way of showing they love me. They are not good with words, so it's their way of expressing things.

    I'm not the type of person to take advantage though, but I can see it wouldn't work for everyone.
    Last edited by millyskate; 07-01-2010 at 01:56 PM.

  3. #63

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    I paid "board" when I lived at home, although my parents didn't need the money. Decades later, when my father went into a nursing home and I had to take over his finances, I found that every cent I'd paid them had gone into a separate "House" account in my name and never touched. They said they were saving it in case something major happened to the house but it never had.
    I'd rather be thought of as absolutely ridiculous than as absolutely boring.

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by skatemommy View Post
    That said, I waited tables and realize I don't want my DD doing what I did to earn a living.
    This is OT, but I think every single person should have at least one restaurant or retail job in their young adult lives. It really goes a long way toward making people good customers.
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  5. #65

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    Gen, I agree in principle but I started smoking at age 16 because all the other wait staff was too. Maybe retail is less brutal (we went to Old Navy today to buy 4th of July T's and the whole mood was quite festive) but as far as food service goes I'm going to avoid it because I can as of a child of depression survivors. But I totally respect your opinion and coments.
    "awwww....shades of Janet Lynn" - Dick Button on anyone who makes more than one mistake in their program.

  6. #66

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    Quote Originally Posted by zaphyre14 View Post
    I paid "board" when I lived at home, although my parents didn't need the money. Decades later, when my father went into a nursing home and I had to take over his finances, I found that every cent I'd paid them had gone into a separate "House" account in my name and never touched. They said they were saving it in case something major happened to the house but it never had.
    OMG, that is so sweet! What lovely parents you have! Awww, I want to be that kind of mom, but I am paying for private school so I'm still worried about college.
    "awwww....shades of Janet Lynn" - Dick Button on anyone who makes more than one mistake in their program.

  7. #67

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    Quote Originally Posted by genevieve View Post
    This is OT, but I think every single person should have at least one restaurant or retail job in their young adult lives. It really goes a long way toward making people good customers.
    I think regardless of the type of work, instilling a good work ethic in kids is what is important.
    When you are up to your arse in alligators it is difficult to remember you were only meant to be draining the swamp.

  8. #68

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    I have trouble understanding adult children who have to be encouraged to go out on their own. When I was young, in the 60s, I could hardly wait until I was old enough to leave home. It wasn't that I was unhappy at home, I just wanted to start my own life on my terms ASAP.

    I do understand about setbacks in the economy and the high cost of education. Still, the basic instinct to become independent seems to be lacking in many people.

    Perhaps the mid-century focus on independence was an anomaly. Many adult children (especially girls) lived with their parents before WWII, and now they do again. It could be that I grew up in an era that had a different expectation.

    (Just for the record, I married at 21 and Mr JB and I completed graduate degrees with no financial help from our widowed mothers.)

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by JasperBoy View Post
    Perhaps the mid-century focus on independence was an anomaly. Many adult children (especially girls) lived with their parents before WWII, and now they do again. It could be that I grew up in an era that had a different expectation.
    Well, the post WWII economy was exceptionally good in the US. Can't say the same now.....

  10. #70

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    Quote Originally Posted by JasperBoy View Post
    I have trouble understanding adult children who have to be encouraged to go out on their own. When I was young, in the 60s, I could hardly wait until I was old enough to leave home. It wasn't that I was unhappy at home, I just wanted to start my own life on my terms ASAP.

    I do understand about setbacks in the economy and the high cost of education. Still, the basic instinct to become independent seems to be lacking in many people.

    Perhaps the mid-century focus on independence was an anomaly. Many adult children (especially girls) lived with their parents before WWII, and now they do again. It could be that I grew up in an era that had a different expectation.

    (Just for the record, I married at 21 and Mr JB and I completed graduate degrees with no financial help from our widowed mothers.)
    Many sociologists are looking at this as a study topic. Prior to the mid 70s, the most common parenting style was what was called a "control" style. Parents made 99 44/100 of the decisions, and the kids were expected to obey. Frankly, if someone's being controlled, they have a motive to get out on their own. Many mid-boomers (born after 1955) decided that they didn't want that for their kids and the "parent as pal" style became more common.

    Interestingly, the young adult parents in our family seem to be skewing back to the "control" style. I wonder if that's a trend.

    ETA, Another factor is late marriage. Prior to the mid-70s, children left the home at marriage, and most people married younger. It wasn't uncommon for a girl to marry right out of high school or right out of college if she went. Some of us may recall that some girls went to college specifically for a MRS degree. Once these kids left home, they weren't expected back. It was somewhat of an embarrassment if someone's kids moved back home.
    Last edited by Aceon6; 07-02-2010 at 01:27 PM.
    AceOn6, the golf loving skating fan

  11. #71
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    Aceon6 makes some very good points.

    People are getting married much later in life now, so the move out of parent's home when you get married tradition, has changed.

    Women, since the 60s have also become more independent. Prior to that most 18/22 year old women might not have felt comfortable living on their own. they were not "seen" as providers (even for themselves). And women don't have the same pressure to get married. The "old maid" syndrome is not such an issue anymore.

    The one point Aceon made, which I find very interesting is the difference in parenting style. I hadn't considered that. I imagine it is much easier for adult kids to stay in the parent's home when the parents give them the freedom to do as they please, as opposed to trying to curfew and control a 24 year old.

    But, the big issue right now, is the economy. So many kids are graduating from high school/college and there are just no jobs. And the jobs they get offered are not paying enough for them to live on their own. I know of one kid who was offered a good job far enough from home that commuting would have been a challenge. But the salary was not enough for them to afford living on their own in that place. The job was good, in that it would have been a great learning/resume experience, but the money was paltry. They had to turn it down, they could not afford to work there. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's happening. I know kids who have graduated from college with bachelor's and master's degrees who are accepting open ended (time wise) internships at no pay. They just want work experience. But they live at home. Many of these internships are unpaid jobs, and many companies are taking advantage of the fact that these kids can't find paying jobs in their field.

  12. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by genevieve View Post
    This is OT, but I think every single person should have at least one restaurant or retail job in their young adult lives. It really goes a long way toward making people good customers.
    ITA - I worked retail all through high school and college. I learned a lot that has served me well since, met a lot of great people, and had money in my pocket. When I'm hiring young people, those with retail and waitstaff experience always catch my eye.

  13. #73
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    Tales from the trenches of teaching high school:

    *A smart kid graduates and goes away for his freshman year at a selective private college two hours away and lives in the dorms. In January, his younger brother tells me he has transferred to the mediocre college in town. Why? I ask. Brother shrugs. Later, I see mom and ask about older brother in general. "It just didn't work for him; mostly the living situation. You know, we made an apartment for the boys in the basement a few years ago and they have their own garages and their own entrance and televisions and all that. And I go down and clean and get their laundry and fill up their refrigerator. So he just didn't like the dorm and wanted to be home." That was in January, 2004. Both boys have finished college and still live there. I'm guessing they will live there forever.

    *A teacher's daughter goes to the college in town. Parents force her to live in the dorms. What does she do? Comes home every day to shower and that sort of thing. Why? Because she and her sisters have had, since an early age, their own private en suite bathrooms and she cannot stand sharing a bathroom with other girls.

    *This spring a senior boy informed the class that he never wants to leave home. "Why would I? My mom does everything for me. I've never even got my own glass of water. Why would I leave that?" Many of his classmates agreed with him that leaving home is not something to aspire to.

    I could tell you more stories. In general, there are two things going on--kids are so comfortable at home that there is no reason to leave. And parents don't actually want them to. The counselor at the school where I last taught (I quit in May) said that in the last 5-10 years it has become the norm that parents want their seniors to go to college as close to home as possible, be commuter students and generally never leave home. In a few cases, there are financial reasons, but not the majority. Mothers, in particular, just don't want their kids to leave. He thinks that in part, the culture has encouraged them to make motherhood their whole identity and losing that terrifies them more than the kids leaving does.

  14. #74

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    ITA - I worked retail all through high school and college. I learned a lot that has served me well since, met a lot of great people, and had money in my pocket. When I'm hiring young people, those with retail and waitstaff experience always catch my eye.
    Continuing the OT here, but work experience during high school/college is one of my standard interview questions for folks under 30. I've found that those with retail, restaurant, or other grunt job experience do much better, especially in getting along with peers and subordinates.
    AceOn6, the golf loving skating fan

  15. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aceon6 View Post
    Continuing the OT here, but work experience during high school/college is one of my standard interview questions for folks under 30. I've found that those with retail, restaurant, or other grunt job experience do much better, especially in getting along with peers and subordinates.
    I hope that's a fair question where you're at. I lived in a town 8 blocks square when I was a teenager. There were no retail or restaurant jobs for teenagers--with the exception of the Co-Op Hardware store (which employed adults) those were family businesses. There was detasseling which allergies prevented me from doing and farm work, but farmers preferred boys. I baby sat all the time.

    So when I was in my 20s, you would not have hired me due to the region I grew up in????

  16. #76

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    Quote Originally Posted by PDilemma View Post
    *A teacher's daughter goes to the college in town. Parents force her to live in the dorms. What does she do? Comes home every day to shower and that sort of thing. Why? Because she and her sisters have had, since an early age, their own private en suite bathrooms and she cannot stand sharing a bathroom with other girls.
    Made me chuckle. In my childhood home, we shared 1 small bathroom for 4 people. Our neighbors had the same style house with 6 people. Times have changed!
    AceOn6, the golf loving skating fan

  17. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aceon6 View Post
    Made me chuckle. In my childhood home, we shared 1 small bathroom for 4 people. Our neighbors had the same style house with 6 people. Times have changed!
    And you probably didn't mind a dorm bathroom if you lived in a dorm, and you probably looked forward to leaving home and having fewer people to share the bathroom with! Too much luxury doesn't create independence, I tell you!

  18. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by PDilemma View Post
    I hope that's a fair question where you're at. I lived in a town 8 blocks square when I was a teenager. There were no retail or restaurant jobs for teenagers--with the exception of the Co-Op Hardware store (which employed adults) those were family businesses. There was detasseling which allergies prevented me from doing and farm work, but farmers preferred boys. I baby sat all the time.

    So when I was in my 20s, you would not have hired me due to the region I grew up in????
    I'll answer if I may - retail experience is just one thing that catches my eye. For young people, another would be returning to the same job for more than one summer, and playing on sports teams.

    In all, I'm just looking for signals that give me a hint of what they might be like as workers and team members. It's not one particular formula.

  19. #79

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    Quote Originally Posted by PDilemma View Post
    I hope that's a fair question where you're at. I lived in a town 8 blocks square when I was a teenager. There were no retail or restaurant jobs for teenagers--with the exception of the Co-Op Hardware store (which employed adults) those were family businesses. There was detasseling which allergies prevented me from doing and farm work, but farmers preferred boys. I baby sat all the time.

    So when I was in my 20s, you would not have hired me due to the region I grew up in????
    No, you babysat. That's a hard, service job!
    AceOn6, the golf loving skating fan

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    I know of one kid who was offered a good job far enough from home that commuting would have been a challenge. But the salary was not enough for them to afford living on their own in that place. The job was good, in that it would have been a great learning/resume experience, but the money was paltry.
    This is exactly my situation. Trust me, if I could afford to move out I would have a long time ago, but I'm just not making enough to make it feasible to do so, even with a roommate. The area I'm working in is going to be over an hour away each way commutewise with no traffic, and is one of the most affluent areas around. It just isn't possible, as much as I'd like to, so I'm trying to make the best of it by trying to repay my parents and saving for graduate school, which I certainly don't expect them to pay for.

    Fortunately for me, the experience should be great.

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