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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by GarrAarghHrumph View Post
    IMO - and this is PURELY in my own opinion; it's good to be married before the baby comes. There's a commitment to family that comes from being married... And having a kid changes a relationship; it's stressful, especially at first. IMO, marriage first, to formalize the family unit. It makes a difference.

    Others will, of course, disagree.
    I agree, though I do not think anyone doing it the other way around is doing anything wrong. It does make things easier when the parents get married first. Baby's name, health insurance coverage for mom and baby, family issues, etc.

    If you don't get married first, you should both, at least, have comprehensive physicals. You want to be sure that neither of you carry any genes or have other problems that need to be addressed.

    But, congratulations on your relationship!

  2. #22
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    Health insurance coverage is not an issue for bobbi.

    She's Canadian.

  3. #23
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    You don't need have to have a ring to get engaged...when I got engaged, I got my "real" engagement ring almost 2 months later.

    Just sayin'.
    Last edited by Veronika; 05-11-2010 at 06:31 PM. Reason: typo

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Norlite View Post
    Health insurance coverage is not an issue for bobbi.

    She's Canadian.
    Health insurance is not usually calculated in the cost of having a baby but of course could be included.

    It's usually diapers, equipment such as car seat (mandatory here in the US, in fact hospitals will not release the baby to you unless you demonstrate the proper car seat!) crib, etc and last but not least, childcare.
    "Nature is a damp, inconvenient sort of place where birds and animals wander about uncooked."

    from Speedy Death

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    Health insurance is not usually calculated in the cost of having a baby but of course could be included.

    It's usually diapers, equipment such as car seat (mandatory here in the US, in fact hospitals will not release the baby to you unless you demonstrate the proper car seat!) crib, etc and last but not least, childcare.


    Yeah, thanks. I realized the costs associated with children after raising my 4 to adulthood.

    I was responding to the post before mine on marriage first making it easier, actually the post said easier, for bobalina to have a baby.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Norlite View Post
    Yeah, thanks. I realized the costs associated with children after raising my 4 to adulthood.
    Things surely didn't get cheaper raising kids in the early 21 century. We did a projection of how much a private college tuition+ board would cost for Mini Ice and were
    "Nature is a damp, inconvenient sort of place where birds and animals wander about uncooked."

    from Speedy Death

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Veronika View Post
    You don't need have to have a ring to get engaged...when I got engaged, I got my "real" engagement ring almost 2 months later.

    Never
    got one of those - we've been married 33 years.
    3539 and counting.

    Slightly Wounding Banana list cont: MacMadame.

  8. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by milanessa View Post

    Never
    got one of those - we've been married 33 years.
    Me neither. Honestly, I didn't even know that you were "suppose" to get one until I talked to some co-workers recently. I just thought people got wedding bands, if they even wanted that.
    "If people are looking for guarantees, they should buy appliances at Sears and stay away from human relationships."~Prancer

  9. #29

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobalina77 View Post
    We will get married eventually but I think he wants to wait until he has the money for an engagement ring.. which I don't really care about at this point but I think it's important to him to do it "right". We can get married whenever.. it's not as time sensitive.
    I'm a little perplexed as to how your SO can't afford to buy you an engagement ring but can afford to have a child?

    I'm expecting a baby in about 2 months and the amount of stuff you have to buy really adds up. Stroller, car seat, crib, crib bedding, high chair, diaper bag, monitor(s), change table, bathing tub, etc. That's not even getting into things like maternity clothes, breast pump etc. And people keep telling me they (children) only get more expensive as they get older!

    Good luck to you.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Norlite View Post
    Yeah, thanks. I realized the costs associated with children after raising my 4 to adulthood.

    I was responding to the post before mine on marriage first making it easier, actually the post said easier, for bobalina to have a baby.
    Not sure if you are criticizing here. I do think it's easier if you get married first. Not just because of health insurance. But, in general, it is easier to have that stability and family support. They may very well have the stability and family support without getting married, and that's fine. It's not wrong or bad to have the baby first. But there are lots of decisions that have to be made about lots of things, not eve getting into cost, and marriage can make the foundation more solid.

    Bobalina77, I'm not sure why an engagement ring would be the determining factor in your decision to get married. Rafter and others make a good point - babies/kids are expensive, way, way, way more expensive than one ring.

  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    Health insurance is not usually calculated in the cost of having a baby but of course could be included.
    The rise in health insurance cost with our first child was by far the biggest expense related to having a baby.

    And apparently health care cost is a major unexpected expense for parents in the US:

    It turns out there's a major financial roadblock that expectant parents often fail to account for: hospital bills. One in four new parents ended up spending more than $2,000 on out-of-pocket costs for services associated with a normal delivery — costs that they thought would be covered by insurance. On average, expectant parents are allotting just $776 to cover out-of-pocket delivery costs.

    http://www.redbookmag.com/money-care...oney-baby-cost

    So living in Canada would be a major benefit there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rafter View Post
    I'm expecting a baby in about 2 months and the amount of stuff you have to buy really adds up. Stroller, car seat, crib, crib bedding, high chair, diaper bag, monitor(s), change table, bathing tub, etc. That's not even getting into things like maternity clothes, breast pump etc. And people keep telling me they (children) only get more expensive as they get older!.
    They do and they don't. Most people buy a lot in a very short period for their first baby, but after that, the expenses tend to be more spread out and so you aren't quite as .

    But most expenses people list for the cost of a baby are really a matter of the choices parents make, not the actual cost of a baby. For example, if you choose to buy disposable diapers, that's a choice. Diaper service? Another choice. Wash your own? Another choice. Formula? Expensive. Breastfeeding? Not. Go back to work and pay for child care? One expense, with a range of options. Have grandma watch baby? Maybe free. Stay home with baby yourself? May be financially sound, may not be.

    Same with baby equipment. You don't have to have much of anything with a baby. People try to convince you that you do, but you don't. If you really needed all the stuff people tell you you need, poor people wouldn't be able to have children. And even if you buy it all, there are still choices. Buy it new? One expense and a broad range of costs, depending on what you buy. Buy it used? Another. Cadge stuff from friends? Free or nearly free. Get a lot of shower gifts? Wheeee!

    And so on, forevermore, until your child is no longer your dependent.

    Whether a baby is incredibly expensive or not depends a lot more on how much you choose to spend than on what you have to spend.

    In my case, the expense was pretty negligible. It was the changes in everything else that threw me for a loop. Having a baby turns your whole life upside down--it changes you, it changes your relationship with your spouse, it changes all your habits and it forces you to confront yourself and your flaws in all kinds of new and unpleasant ways. And in that respect, I think a certain level of caution is in order for anyone thinking about having a baby. You really need a good foundation under the relationship to get past that adjustment stage.

    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    Bobalina77, I'm not sure why an engagement ring would be the determining factor in your decision to get married. Rafter and others make a good point - babies/kids are expensive, way, way, way more expensive than one ring.
    Well, yes, but a ring costs a lot of money in one chunk and that's all you get for it. You can buy a heck of a lot of diapers for the cost of an engagement ring and that cost is spread out over time.

    But I would again be cautious there, because an engagement ring is another example of a choice. It's not that you can't get married without one; it's that you are choosing not to get married without one. I would seriously consider why that is a determining factor.
    Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.

  12. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    They do and they don't. Most people buy a lot in a very short period for their first baby, but after that, the expenses tend to be more spread out and so you aren't quite as .
    Everyone who has kids tells me that they do get more expensive as they get older. Things like clothes, lessons for ballet, music, hockey, whatever they're in (unless of course you decide not to put your kids into any activities), putting money away for college funds, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    But most expenses people list for the cost of a baby are really a matter of the choices parents make, not the actual cost of a baby. For example, if you choose to buy disposable diapers, that's a choice. Diaper service? Another choice. Wash your own? Another choice. Formula? Expensive. Breastfeeding? Not. Go back to work and pay for child care? One expense, with a range of options. Have grandma watch baby? Maybe free. Stay home with baby yourself? May be financially sound, may not be.
    I agree with most of this except not all cases are necessarily "choices". My SIL breastfed until her son was 4 months old and then he weaned himself off so they had to do formula. Some women can't breastfeed. Some people (like my husband and I) don't have grandparents in the same city to babysit so we'll be forced to do daycare or a nanny if I go back to work.

    As for the material things, of course you can go the used route or to the secondary market for stuff, but there are certain things where the regulations/standards change so that it doesn't always work out that way (ie. car seats). Things like cribs and strollers are definitely a choice by the parents whether you go high-end or cheap.

  13. #33
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    The engagement ring isn't a determining factor for me.. like I said I really don't care. I think it is more for him because he wants that "will you marry me moment", because that's just how he is .

    We do have a very good relationship. We love each other very much and work really well together. I have no doubt that he has my back and I for sure have his. Heck, we made it through him quitting smoking haha. Anyway.. thank you all for the advice and concern, they are all things we thought of before coming to this decision. We don't make important decisions like this on a whim. We'll be just fine

  14. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rafter View Post
    Everyone who has kids tells me that they do get more expensive as they get older. Things like clothes, lessons for ballet, music, hockey, whatever they're in (unless of course you decide not to put your kids into any activities), putting money away for college funds, etc.
    And in most cases, the family income goes up as well. One tends to lead to the other. Look at breakdowns of how expensive kids are by family income bracket and ask yourself why it is that the better off the family, the more expensive it is to raise a child.

    http://moneycentral.msn.com/articles...tlkidscost.asp

    Take activities. You never HAVE to put your child into activities; if you do, you don't have to put them in dozens of activities (as people do) or expensive activities. Yes, if little Emma is taking French, ballet, piano, gymnastics, swimming, cheerleading and art, it's going to cost you. If young Jacob is on an elite team, it's going to cost you. But that's not because KIDS are so terribly expensive, any more than YOU are terribly expensive because you belong to that country club or get that weekly day spa treatment.

    College fund? If you choose to have one, have a set amount put aside every week out of your paycheck and you will never know it's gone.

    Clothes? Obviously, there is a huge range of how expensive clothes are.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rafter View Post
    I agree with most of this except not all cases are necessarily "choices". My SIL breastfed until her son was 4 months old and then he weaned himself off so they had to do formula. Some women can't breastfeed. Some people (like my husband and I) don't have grandparents in the same city to babysit so we'll be forced to do daycare or a nanny if I go back to work.
    Hence the reason I used the word "most," because nothing is ever true for everyone. But very few people have no choices at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rafter View Post
    As for the material things, of course you can go the used route or to the secondary market for stuff, but there are certain things where the regulations/standards change so that it doesn't always work out that way (ie. car seats).
    Yes, every few years or so, that happens. But even if regulations change, you have your choice of a range of car seats. They're not all terribly expensive. And you don't have to buy everything at once, either, or have a lot of stuff.

    I'm not saying that kids aren't going to cost you; they can, do and will. But this fixation people have on how expensive kids are is usually based on what people spend, not on what kids actually need.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobalina77 View Post
    The engagement ring isn't a determining factor for me
    I got that. But it would concern me that it was a determining factor, period, no matter who it was.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobalina77 View Post
    Anyway.. thank you all for the advice and concern, they are all things we thought of before coming to this decision.
    I am sure that you've put a lot of thought into it. But as someone who has been married and had kids, all I can say is, it's not the things you think about that make the real difference; it's the stuff you don't know you need to think about that does.

    No one wants to see you get hurt, that's all . Be good to yourself.
    Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    I got that. But it would concern me that it was a determining factor, period, no matter who it was.



    I am sure that you've put a lot of thought into it. But as someone who has been married and had kids, all I can say is, it's not the things you think about that make the real difference; it's the stuff you don't know you need to think about that does.

    No one wants to see you get hurt, that's all . Be good to yourself.
    Nicely said

  16. #36
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    I am not a parent, but I have a large circle of friends (mostly girlfriends) who come from very diverse background.

    From what I see, raising a child is one of most unpreditable thing. Being financially stable doesn't always make the child more successful, and allowing a child to know hardship does not always help the child to be more responsible. Quite a few of my very responsible and succussful friends have siblings who are nothing but trouble, no matter which kind of families they come from.

    So the best you can do is to just do your best. Getting married and financially set before children probably will make YOUR life easier, but whether it affects the kid positively or negatively is hard to predict. JMHO, of course.
    Last edited by genegri; 05-13-2010 at 04:47 PM.

  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    And in most cases, the family income goes up as well. One tends to lead to the other. Look at breakdowns of how expensive kids are by family income bracket and ask yourself why it is that the better off the family, the more expensive it is to raise a child.

    http://moneycentral.msn.com/articles...tlkidscost.asp

    Take activities. You never HAVE to put your child into activities; if you do, you don't have to put them in dozens of activities (as people do) or expensive activities. Yes, if little Emma is taking French, ballet, piano, gymnastics, swimming, cheerleading and art, it's going to cost you. If young Jacob is on an elite team, it's going to cost you. But that's not because KIDS are so terribly expensive, any more than YOU are terribly expensive because you belong to that country club or get that weekly day spa treatment.

    College fund? If you choose to have one, have a set amount put aside every week out of your paycheck and you will never know it's gone.

    Clothes? Obviously, there is a huge range of how expensive clothes are.



    Hence the reason I used the word "most," because nothing is ever true for everyone. But very few people have no choices at all.



    Yes, every few years or so, that happens. But even if regulations change, you have your choice of a range of car seats. They're not all terribly expensive. And you don't have to buy everything at once, either, or have a lot of stuff.

    I'm not saying that kids aren't going to cost you; they can, do and will. But this fixation people have on how expensive kids are is usually based on what people spend, not on what kids actually need.



    I got that. But it would concern me that it was a determining factor, period, no matter who it was.



    I am sure that you've put a lot of thought into it. But as someone who has been married and had kids, all I can say is, it's not the things you think about that make the real difference; it's the stuff you don't know you need to think about that does.

    No one wants to see you get hurt, that's all . Be good to yourself.
    He's the kind of guy who on Valentine's day bought me a necklace even though I told him not to worry about getting me anything because we were going away for the weekend. It's just the way he is.

    I know no one wants to see me get hurt.. but we will be fine. I have complete trust in him and in our relationship. I know there are gonna be bumps.. but I'm looking forward to sharing the adventure with him.

  18. #38
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    I agree with Prancer that babies don't *have* to cost a lot, but you are changing the composition of your family when you have a child. I agree with those who say that this is best done within a solid marriage. My hubby and I have been married for 8 years and are totally overwhelmed by what's coming. And we're in a good place.

  19. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rafter View Post
    Things like clothes, lessons for ballet, music, hockey, whatever they're in (unless of course you decide not to put your kids into any activities),
    This is all or nothing?

    The family membership fees at the brand spankin' new Robert Lee YMCA in downtown Vancouver, which includes entry to any YMCA in Canada, are:


    Family Membership


    Families of two adults and two or more dependents: $119 per month. Families of two adults and one dependent: $109 per month. Single parent and two or more dependents: $78 per month. Single parent and one dependent: $65.60.
    "'Is this new BMW-designed sled the ultimate sledding machine for Langdon and Holcomb?' Leigh Diffey asked before the pair cruised to victory. I don’t know, but I know that sled is the ultimate Olympic Games product placement.." -- Jen Chaney

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