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  1. #21
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    My niece had a wedding on a cruise ship. I went and had a great time. They are both very well off and I gave them a card.

    I went to Las Vegas for another niece's wedding, besides my parents and my sister/bil, I was the only family member present. The groom's family - no one there. It had been planned for 12 months, plenty of time to plan to go. They were happy to have me there and did not expect a gift.

    Now there were people who couldn't believe that I would go on the cruise wedding trip for a niece who is a step niece. To me no difference. Somehow the Las Vegas wedding made more sense to them, because she is my "full niece.

  2. #22

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    I have a wedding etiquette question as well. A friend of ours is getting married and they are having multiple parties. They had an announcement party, she is having a bridal party, he is having a honey-do party and then of course the wedding/reception. The bridal and honey-do showers are both for couples so they will include males and females. There is another announcement party still to come that his family is throwing and they are making it FORMAL! Anyway, my boyfriend is in her wedding party (Man of Honor) and he is concerned about $$. He is having to throw her bridal party along with the others in the wedding. Now he feels he has to bring a gift to that as well as to the Honey-do and then to the wedding. I say NO. I say you should only bring 1 gift. You don't get to have 100 parties to receive 100 gifts from everyone. Not to mention all the money he is coming out of pocket for to buy the tux for the wedding and then throw her bridal party. What is proper etiquette in this situation? As for me, I am refusing to go to the Formal announcement party because I do not own a suit or anything. My bf is a little upset but understands. I hope that doesn't cause problems.
    -Brian
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  3. #23

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    I've never even heard of a Honey-do party. I am so behind the times.
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  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    I've never even heard of a Honey-do party. I am so behind the times.
    It is a party for the groom and they usually register at Lowes, Home Depot, etc. The point is to receive a bunch of gifts for the man to use around the house. Lawn mowers, weed eaters, tools, etc. Basically, as a gay man, stuff I know nothing about!

    I am happy for them but honestly, it is their responsibility to begin their life together by getting a house and the things they need for that house. I don't think it is fair or right to throw as many parties as possible so all their friends and family can hand them the things they could easily save for or wait to get. It just seems all a bit too much and greedy.
    -Brian
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  5. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    I've never even heard of a Honey-do party. I am so behind the times.

    LOL - I thought I was the only one who had never heard of this - can someone please explain them - thanks!!!

    As to gifts - one is totally acceptable - and should either be sent to the home or the local reception (I'm from the UK and every wedding I have ever been to we take gifts to the wedding proper - only people who were not attending but wanted to send a gift sent it to the home either the bride or groom!!!). Taking a gift to the destination would just cause too much luggage all around!!

  6. #26
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    Ok, I will order something off the registry to be sent to their home BEFORE we go to the Caribbean. Then I will look through all my pictures that I will take on the island leading up to and during the ceremony etc.. Then will make a little photo album or digital photo album to bring to the reception. As well I will pay the money to go to the island. I'm happy to do all of this, and to be clear I am not bitching - BUT now that I written this out it does seem a bit excessive. However - I did say yes and I could have said no. Boy am I still glad I only ever asked for a toaster lol. I don't think I could have asked this of anyone….

  7. #27
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    See, that's when it's getting absurd. I think a shower a few WEEKS in advance, and a wedding gift is plenty. Not ten different parties and you're expected to bring a gift to all of them. And what would be wrong with the couple having a joint shower? Or the BRIDE asking for the pruning shears? (And I cannot be the only one who thinks asking for stuff like riding lawn mowers and big-screen LCD TVs is just OTT. I can see maybe putting ONE big-ticket item on a registry, in case you had a rich uncle who wants to go nuts or a bunch of friends who want to pool on one big gift, but asking for tons of expensive electronics and stuff seems horribly greedy to me.)

    I think it would be nice (not to mention modern) to be able to put a wedding website address on the bottom of the invitation (really, we're reaching a point where I don't think there are THAT many people who cannot figure out what a website is.) Then not only could you have registry information, you could have maps and hotel information and things to do links for out of town guests.

    Were I to get married, if someone came and didn't bring a gift, assuming I noticed, that's one fewer thank-you note I have to write. While it seems a little much not to even bother with a card, I wouldn't want to presume anything about someone who didn't buy a present. I don't know what they spent to get there or what their finances are like.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigB08822 View Post
    I have a wedding etiquette question as well.... .
    Your post is making me break out in hives because it reminds me of my SIL's wedding "affair". I say affair because her in-laws made such a big to-do of the whole thing with multiple parties and showers. I'm glad they'd never heard of the honey-do shower because they would've had that, too I'm certain.

    Anyway, I think it's fine for you and your bf to give one gift if that's what you can afford. But then, I'm a wedding grouch and this kind of stuff makes me especially cranky, so I could be wrong. Generally, if I am invited to a shower and a wedding, I give a small gift for the shower, and something a little more expensive for the wedding.

    I also appreciate the registry info. Sometimes I'm invited to weddings where I won't see anyone related to the bride/groom before the wedding. When I got married, we didn't register and got about 20 bottles of wine and wine glasses to go with. I'm not complaining about the wine - it was surely enjoyed much more than another dish towel, but I stored most of the glasses and brought them out to replace those that we broke over the years.

    Finally, I was glad that my friends came to my reception and their presence was enough for me. I didn't care about gifts!

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albee View Post
    Ok, I will order something off the registry to be sent to their home BEFORE we go to the Caribbean. Then I will look through all my pictures that I will take on the island leading up to and during the ceremony etc.. Then will make a little photo album or digital photo album to bring to the reception.
    I think that's a great solution! I bet the photo album will be greatly appreciated

    I've never heard of a "honey-do"* party. The only reason for having a separate groom party (whether it's a bachelor party or a male version of a bridal shower, where house gifts are expected) is if both parties are gender-segregated.

    * I should say that I really hate the whole "honey-do" phenomenon, period. I don't care that spouses have different household tasks they're responsible for, but calling it a "honey-do" list perpetuates the culture of nagging women forcing their poor, whipped husbands into doing unpleasant tasks.
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  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigB08822 View Post
    That's too many parties!!!!
    I'm sorry. I don't think I would ever be that happy about anyone's engagement to attend that many parties, much less buy that many gifts. And I love to party!

  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    See, that's when it's getting absurd. I think a shower a few WEEKS in advance, and a wedding gift is plenty. Not ten different parties and you're expected to bring a gift to all of them. And what would be wrong with the couple having a joint shower? Or the BRIDE asking for the pruning shears? (And I cannot be the only one who thinks asking for stuff like riding lawn mowers and big-screen LCD TVs is just OTT. I can see maybe putting ONE big-ticket item on a registry, in case you had a rich uncle who wants to go nuts or a bunch of friends who want to pool on one big gift, but asking for tons of expensive electronics and stuff seems horribly greedy to me.)

    I think it would be nice (not to mention modern) to be able to put a wedding website address on the bottom of the invitation (really, we're reaching a point where I don't think there are THAT many people who cannot figure out what a website is.) Then not only could you have registry information, you could have maps and hotel information and things to do links for out of town guests.

    Were I to get married, if someone came and didn't bring a gift, assuming I noticed, that's one fewer thank-you note I have to write. While it seems a little much not to even bother with a card, I wouldn't want to presume anything about someone who didn't buy a present. I don't know what they spent to get there or what their finances are like.
    The only big ticket item we registered for was a set of cookware. We did it because my mother-in-law asked us to as that was what they planned to get us and wanted an idea of exactly what we wanted. They ended up buying us a more expensive set utilizing my father-in-law's discount because he works for a major department store.

    I was shocked and dismayed at how hyper-critical people become the moment you decide to get married. I was told by one person that I didn't need or "deserve" any of the stuff on my registry --which literally had one item over $100 and only 2 between $50 and $100--because I was over 30 and clearly owned everything already. I have spent my life teaching in private religious schools. I did not own a pan with a lid or an actual set of dishes. The silverware I ate with prior to getting married was purchased at a Dollar Store. I was told that our wedding reception, which included a full buffet was done just to "show off". We did it because we have both been to too many weddings with a long Catholic ceremony followed by barely anything to eat at dinner time. We wanted to not starve our guests. And it cost only $16 a person including tax and gratuities--and my parents paid the bill from an inheritance from my dad's uncle (without his own children) who died four months before the wedding and told my father he would inherit it and he should pay for part of the wedding with it. So...we were trying to be good hosts and got accused of being bad ones.

    You can't win when you plan a wedding. Someone is always going to be pissed off about something. Possibly even about having a good meal.

    As for my MoH who didn't even give us a card---she and her husband take home around $110,000 a year in the low cost of living Midwest and she drove a whole 28 miles from home to get to the wedding. Her dress cost $96 and she wore shoes she already had and didn't get her hair or nails done. She gave us a $10 gift at the shower that the other bridesmaids threw which she only brought the chocolate fountain she already owned to and she skipped the bachelorette night which my sister-in-law had to plan by herself at the last minute. I'm fairly certain she could have spared two bucks for a card. And I would have been happy with that. Puzzled, but happy.

  12. #32
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    You can't win with registries period. Personally, I think they should be abolished!

  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigB08822 View Post
    It is a party for the groom and they usually register at Lowes, Home Depot, etc. The point is to receive a bunch of gifts for the man to use around the house. Lawn mowers, weed eaters, tools, etc. Basically, as a gay man, stuff I know nothing about! .
    They call this a male shower in my neck of the woods. IMO, it's yet another gift grab opportunity egged on by the bridal industrial complex.

  14. #34
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    Yeah I think one shower is plenty. If you want to throw an engagement party that's fine but I don't think it's necessary to buy gifts for that.

    I think if boyfriend and I were getting married right now the only "big ticket" item we'd have on the registry would be a patio set. His mom gave us her BBQ because she never uses it, I got my Kitchen Aid Mixer for Christmas (and LOVE it haha!), he got a nice set of pots and pans for Christmas, the furniture we have will do for now.. if people wanted to go in on a livingroom set I wouldn't complain but I wouldn't ask for it

    I would love anything to do with baking. Or any of the attachments for my mixer would be good too! Not that we're getting married right at the moment

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahclear View Post
    You can't win with registries period. Personally, I think they should be abolished!
    Well, the one problem with that, though it happens even with registries, is some people get...creative. Like the urn.

    Srsly. When my friend got married, her husbands' parents basically hosted the wedding and that meant lots of their friends were invited, and sent gifts. So when I got there a couple days before the wedding some gifts had arrived and my friend and her fiance opened them, and one was...an urn. A silver antique urn. Not REALLY suited to storing ashes, but also not exactly a flower vase, an ice bucket....just...an urn. We all kind of stood there looking at it, going..."Ohhhkay." They also got seven glass pitchers and four silver ones.

    That friend's now divorced. I think the urn is STILL in her ex-in-laws' attic. (Her ex's parents actually like her better than him these days and they did ask if she'd like it. She said no thanks.)

  16. #36
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    I think registries are fine and I don't mind the occasional big ticket item. Sometimes people go in on one items with other friends/guests that any one of them couldn't have afforded on their own. And I do know a couple of people who put something on there that's totally pie-in-the-sky - they don't need it/expect to get it but figure if someone they know wants to spring for it, why not?
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  17. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aceon6 View Post
    One gift is fine, and it should be in line with your budget, not the bride's registry. If you send it before the wedding, it should go to the bride's residence. If you send it after, to the couple's new home. I was raised that you don't bring gifts to the actual wedding or reception, just cards.
    Correct-a-mundo. I gift is NEVER required. And sending it to the bride's home (before the wedding) is so thoughtful and appreciated.
    DH - and that's just my opinion

  18. #38
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    Why do so many weddings have a gift table if you aren't supposed to bring the gift to the wedding then? Every wedding I've been to has had a gift table..

  19. #39

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    I think they have a gift table because so many people bring the gift instead of taking the time and/or effort of mailing it ahead.

    It makes good sense to mail it, if you think about it. The couple has to have someone gather the gifts, make sure the cards don't get separated, bring them to the couple so they have them when they get back from the honeymoon.
    DH - and that's just my opinion

  20. #40
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    A lot of these questions are answered in Miss Manners' new book:

    http://www.amazon.com/Manners-Guide-...2589971&sr=1-1

    I love her books and read them for her humor, but there's good solid information and common sense in them, althogh you might not agree with everything she decrees.

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