What makes a Guy Undateable?

**Erin** · 03-23-2010, 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by essence_of_soy

Do you cut up his food for him as well?

I don't see the relationship between grammar correction and cutting up food at all, but the answer is no. I find it a little ironic that you called me arrogant for correcting grammar, when you are being rather arrogant yourself about making assumptions about a relationship based on the one item you know about it. I'm not sure why this bothers you so much considering it was something that we were both OK with in the relationship at the time.

**Karina1974** · 03-23-2010, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by MOIJTO

But I would add gold digger to the ladies list.

You don't think there's such a thing as a male gold digger?

**MOIJTO** · 03-23-2010, 04:27 PM

Originally Posted by Karina1974

You don't think there's such a thing as a male gold digger?

I think they call it something else. But yes.

**bobalina77** · 03-23-2010, 04:38 PM

I don't think I could date someone who wasn't close with his family. My family is super close (like we have dinner together at least every second Sunday) and I think people who aren't really close with family have a hard time understanding that. My ex wasn't really close with his family and it was like pulling teeth getting him to go for dinner at my parents' place and when he was there you could tell he totally wasn't comfortable. My current boyfriend is really close to his mom (his dad left when he was a kid) and so gets that my family is really important to me. He's totally cool about going to our family dinners, he gets along really well with my mom and dad, and he likes their dog. It's such a huge difference.

**Rex** · 03-23-2010, 05:23 PM

It's the small things....

.

**leesaleesa** · 03-23-2010, 05:24 PM

What makes a guy undatable: Gets all up in your personal space, gesturing with his hands, loud, rude (attributes that to being from NY) spit talker with bad breath. Oh, and he snatches the half eaten chicken finger right out your hot little hand and eats it.

Lucky for him, I had the beginnings of the flu. He was an animal hater on top of it all.

**luna_skater** · 03-23-2010, 07:45 PM

Originally Posted by bobalina77

I don't think I could date someone who wasn't close with his family. My family is super close (like we have dinner together at least every second Sunday) and I think people who aren't really close with family have a hard time understanding that. My ex wasn't really close with his family and it was like pulling teeth getting him to go for dinner at my parents' place and when he was there you could tell he totally wasn't comfortable. My current boyfriend is really close to his mom (his dad left when he was a kid) and so gets that my family is really important to me. He's totally cool about going to our family dinners, he gets along really well with my mom and dad, and he likes their dog. It's such a huge difference.

This one's huge for me. I have an extremely close family. They live 6 hours away, but in the summer I see them at least once a month, and I always go home for Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas. They visit me often as well, when my dad's business trips take him through my city. My family is also fairly small--my mom has two siblings, my dad has one, and I have three first cousins TOTAL. Most of them (except for me) are located geographically close to each other, so two of my cousins are more like siblings to my brother and I, and I'm very close with my aunts and uncles. Having a family farm helps...everyone is always going out there to help out.

My ex (we were together 7 years) didn't have this kind of family dynamic growing up. He had a decent relationship with his sister, but had a strained relationship with his parents, that actually improved when he moved across the country to be with me. But he often complained that I put my family first, and spent so much time with them, and never had enough time for him (mostly when we moved away from my family, but I would still travel home often to see them). I'm sorry....it's my FAMILY. They put me on this earth; they are related by blood. He was always invited home with me, but was married to his job and could never get time off work. At important (to me) holidays like Christmas, there was no way I was about to stay in the city with him when he would get one day off and then have to work the rest of the holidays (he worked in retail), when I could go home and be with my family for 2 weeks before having to go back to school.

I admit that there may have been a few instances where I could have put him ahead of my family, that there was probably a weekend here or there when I didn't NEED to go home. But I always felt like if he had a closer family, he would understand where I was coming from more. AND...he's now been out of the picture for the last 3 years, and guess what? My family's still my family.

**Andora** · 03-23-2010, 07:49 PM

I thought it was simply that a guy was undatable if he just wasn't my cup o' tea. Sometimes there's no explaining it past that.

Who knew I missed a whole list of things I should have been checking.

**gkelly** · 03-23-2010, 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by Andora

I thought it was simply that a guy was undatable if he just wasn't my cup o' tea. Sometimes there's no explaining it past that.

See, that's the thing. If he's not your cup of tea, he's undatable by you. But labeling someone "undatable" in general implies that no one would or should ever date him. Which is just stupid.

**PDilemma** · 03-23-2010, 08:16 PM

Originally Posted by luna_skater

But he often complained that I put my family first, and spent so much time with them, and never had enough time for him (mostly when we moved away from my family, but I would still travel home often to see them). I'm sorry....it's my FAMILY. They put me on this earth; they are related by blood. He was always invited home with me, but was married to his job and could never get time off work. At important (to me) holidays like Christmas, there was no way I was about to stay in the city with him when he would get one day off and then have to work the rest of the holidays (he worked in retail), when I could go home and be with my family for 2 weeks before having to go back to school.

I admit that there may have been a few instances where I could have put him ahead of my family, that there was probably a weekend here or there when I didn't NEED to go home. But I always felt like if he had a closer family, he would understand where I was coming from more. AND...he's now been out of the picture for the last 3 years, and guess what? My family's still my family.

The thing is that for an adult relationship to be successful in the long term, you have to put your significant other first, not your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters. If you aren't willing to ever do that....good luck. I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because one spouse found it more important to go home to mommy and daddy's house than to be present and supportive to their partner.

My family is very close and so is my husband's. But our marriage comes first.

**Karina1974** · 03-23-2010, 08:51 PM

^^^I agree with luna_skater. My "mommy and daddy", as PD calls them, have been "present and supportive" of me for 35 years, far longer than any SO has ever been. They are now both in their 70's, the Universe has seen fit to keep them both in relatively good health in both mind and body up to this point in time, and any SO who thinks he's going to be put first before them needs a serious reality check.

**Rafter** · 03-23-2010, 08:57 PM

Bad spelling and grammar are on my list. As is someone who doesn't have a post-secondary education.

A momma's boy would also be a dealbreaker.

**Andora** · 03-23-2010, 09:07 PM

I don't know that there's one clear answer for the whole other half vs. family issue. Clearly a momma's boy is trouble, but how does one say "your family isn't supposed to trump me" all the same?

I read an article ages ago about someone dating three others who had various stages of closeness to their parents: super close, kinda close and not very close at all. The subject in question was somewhat distant to their folks, and was more connected to the one whose relationship with their family was similar.

It doesn't mean one should have the same relationship with their family as their partner, because sometimes that's not a possibility, but where family fits in one's life should obviously not be at odds with one another.

Originally Posted by gkelly

See, that's the thing. If he's not your cup of tea, he's undatable by you. But labeling someone "undatable" in general implies that no one would or should ever date him. Which is just stupid.

Exactly.

**Nekatiivi** · 03-23-2010, 09:17 PM

I, for one, totally agree wih PD. I am extreamely close wih my parents but my SO comes first and I expect the same from him. I dosen't matter that my parents have always been there for me, my significant other is my significant other. If there ever comes a day when we are not each others number one anymore, there is nothing significant in our relationship anymore. If my SO has to work for Christmas, I won't go to my home town to be with my parents, I will stay home waiting for him despite the fact that I would love to be home with my parents. But my discomfort would be nothing next to his if I left him to be all alone for Christmas.

My parents find his to be compleatly normal. If I break up wih my SO, my parents will be on my side, but untill that day there is no "my side and his side" for them, there is only "our side". The same goes to my brothers.

If my parents got sick and needed help and support from me, it would be a different situation.

**made_in_canada** · 03-24-2010, 12:02 AM

Originally Posted by PDilemma

The thing is that for an adult relationship to be successful in the long term, you have to put your significant other first, not your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters. If you aren't willing to ever do that....good luck. I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because one spouse found it more important to go home to mommy and daddy's house than to be present and supportive to their partner.

That was a large reason why my husband and I are divorcing. We weren't even really aware it could happen until it was much too late.

**Anita18** · 03-24-2010, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by PDilemma

The thing is that for an adult relationship to be successful in the long term, you have to put your significant other first, not your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters. If you aren't willing to ever do that....good luck. I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because one spouse found it more important to go home to mommy and daddy's house than to be present and supportive to their partner.

I think it really depends on the situation. My mom was in Taiwan for months at a time because her mother was sick and near death. If at that time, my dad had suggested that she wasn't putting enough into their marriage (because God knows he can stress himself out with his own work), I think she would have told him where to stick it.

What's important is compromise. Maybe you could all join your family for one holiday, and then join his family (or go it solo) for another. Then again my family doesn't put a whole lot of stock in absolutely getting everyone together for holidays and guilt-tripping people who can't make it.

**made_in_canada** · 03-24-2010, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by Anita18

I think it really depends on the situation. My mom was in Taiwan for months at a time because her mother was sick and near death. If at that time, my dad had suggested that she wasn't putting enough into their marriage (because God knows he can stress himself out with his own work), I think she would have told him where to stick it.

Crisis is different. The rules go out the window in a crisis. It's when it's all the time, everyday, and there isn't agreement that's the issue.

**luna_skater** · 03-24-2010, 05:18 AM

Originally Posted by PDilemma

The thing is that for an adult relationship to be successful in the long term, you have to put your significant other first, not your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters. If you aren't willing to ever do that....good luck. I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because one spouse found it more important to go home to mommy and daddy's house than to be present and supportive to their partner.

My family is very close and so is my husband's. But our marriage comes first.

Putting a significant other before my family is not something I'd *never* do. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about the dynamics of my former relationship, suffice it to say that this was one facet of a multitude of issues. I'm sure you can understand that this was not exactly a black and white issue. I brought it up to identify with the point bobalina77 was making, that the kind of relationship a partner has with his/her family can impact your relationship as a couple.

I've seen a lot of marriages crumble for a lot of reasons.

ETA: Re-reading my initial post, I realize it may come across as though I was running home to my family every chance I got. Not the case at all. My ex and I lived together, and spent all of our time together--when he wasn't working, which was not often. On the flip side of the situation, his 24/7 job came ahead of me, almost always. As I mentioned, he worked in retail. He worked constantly by choice, not necessity. We're not talking about someone who had a career saving lives. To remain on topic, that's a dealbreaker for me. I need someone who's willing to try and find balance in his life. This guy didn't make any effort to do that.

**luna_skater** · 03-24-2010, 05:20 AM

Originally Posted by Andora

It doesn't mean one should have the same relationship with their family as their partner, because sometimes that's not a possibility, but where family fits in one's life should obviously not be at odds with one another.

Agreed.

**lise** · 03-24-2010, 06:08 AM

There has to be a limit though.

My husband wanted his mom over for our wedding over a year ago, telling me and the rest of the family it was for a 6 month visit. Guess what, she's now living with us and she doesn't want to go home. He never consulted me about this, just decided on his own because she is his mother.

Was I angry and bitter at him for this? You bet I was and I really yelled at him for deceiving me. Did I forgive him? You bet I did, although it's taken me just over a year to really accept it and stop being resentful. At the end of the day I realized that she was his only living parent, and that it was important to him to have her around. Since it's that important to him, it became important to me too. So, some closeness to family is nice, but you need to make sure you put your marriage first and support each other.

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