What makes a Guy Undateable?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by mmscfdcsu, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. Erin

    Erin Well-Known Member

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    I don't see the relationship between grammar correction and cutting up food at all, but the answer is no. I find it a little ironic that you called me arrogant for correcting grammar, when you are being rather arrogant yourself about making assumptions about a relationship based on the one item you know about it. I'm not sure why this bothers you so much considering it was something that we were both OK with in the relationship at the time.
     
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  2. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    You don't think there's such a thing as a male gold digger?
     
  3. MOIJTO

    MOIJTO Banned Member

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    I think they call it something else. But yes.
     
  4. bobalina77

    bobalina77 Duck Hunter

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    I don't think I could date someone who wasn't close with his family. My family is super close (like we have dinner together at least every second Sunday) and I think people who aren't really close with family have a hard time understanding that. My ex wasn't really close with his family and it was like pulling teeth getting him to go for dinner at my parents' place and when he was there you could tell he totally wasn't comfortable. My current boyfriend is really close to his mom (his dad left when he was a kid) and so gets that my family is really important to me. He's totally cool about going to our family dinners, he gets along really well with my mom and dad, and he likes their dog. It's such a huge difference.
     
  5. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    It's the small things.... ;).
     
  6. leesaleesa

    leesaleesa Active Member

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    What makes a guy undatable: Gets all up in your personal space, gesturing with his hands, loud, rude (attributes that to being from NY) spit talker with bad breath. Oh, and he snatches the half eaten chicken finger right out your hot little hand and eats it.

    Lucky for him, I had the beginnings of the flu. He was an animal hater on top of it all.
     
  7. luna_skater

    luna_skater Well-Known Member

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    This one's huge for me. I have an extremely close family. They live 6 hours away, but in the summer I see them at least once a month, and I always go home for Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas. They visit me often as well, when my dad's business trips take him through my city. My family is also fairly small--my mom has two siblings, my dad has one, and I have three first cousins TOTAL. Most of them (except for me) are located geographically close to each other, so two of my cousins are more like siblings to my brother and I, and I'm very close with my aunts and uncles. Having a family farm helps...everyone is always going out there to help out.

    My ex (we were together 7 years) didn't have this kind of family dynamic growing up. He had a decent relationship with his sister, but had a strained relationship with his parents, that actually improved when he moved across the country to be with me. But he often complained that I put my family first, and spent so much time with them, and never had enough time for him (mostly when we moved away from my family, but I would still travel home often to see them). I'm sorry....it's my FAMILY. They put me on this earth; they are related by blood. He was always invited home with me, but was married to his job and could never get time off work. At important (to me) holidays like Christmas, there was no way I was about to stay in the city with him when he would get one day off and then have to work the rest of the holidays (he worked in retail), when I could go home and be with my family for 2 weeks before having to go back to school.

    I admit that there may have been a few instances where I could have put him ahead of my family, that there was probably a weekend here or there when I didn't NEED to go home. But I always felt like if he had a closer family, he would understand where I was coming from more. AND...he's now been out of the picture for the last 3 years, and guess what? My family's still my family.
     
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  8. Andora

    Andora Well-Known Member

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    I thought it was simply that a guy was undatable if he just wasn't my cup o' tea. Sometimes there's no explaining it past that.

    Who knew I missed a whole list of things I should have been checking. ;)
     
  9. gkelly

    gkelly Well-Known Member

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    See, that's the thing. If he's not your cup of tea, he's undatable by you. But labeling someone "undatable" in general implies that no one would or should ever date him. Which is just stupid.
     
  10. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    The thing is that for an adult relationship to be successful in the long term, you have to put your significant other first, not your mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters. If you aren't willing to ever do that....good luck. I've seen a lot of marriages crumble because one spouse found it more important to go home to mommy and daddy's house than to be present and supportive to their partner.

    My family is very close and so is my husband's. But our marriage comes first.
     
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  11. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    ^^^I agree with luna_skater. My "mommy and daddy", as PD calls them, have been "present and supportive" of me for 35 years, far longer than any SO has ever been. They are now both in their 70's, the Universe has seen fit to keep them both in relatively good health in both mind and body up to this point in time, and any SO who thinks he's going to be put first before them needs a serious reality check.
     
  12. Rafter

    Rafter Well-Known Member

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    Bad spelling and grammar are on my list. As is someone who doesn't have a post-secondary education.

    A momma's boy would also be a dealbreaker.
     
  13. Andora

    Andora Well-Known Member

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    I don't know that there's one clear answer for the whole other half vs. family issue. Clearly a momma's boy is trouble, but how does one say "your family isn't supposed to trump me" all the same?

    I read an article ages ago about someone dating three others who had various stages of closeness to their parents: super close, kinda close and not very close at all. The subject in question was somewhat distant to their folks, and was more connected to the one whose relationship with their family was similar.

    It doesn't mean one should have the same relationship with their family as their partner, because sometimes that's not a possibility, but where family fits in one's life should obviously not be at odds with one another.

    Exactly. :)
     
  14. Nekatiivi

    Nekatiivi Well-Known Member

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    I, for one, totally agree wih PD. I am extreamely close wih my parents but my SO comes first and I expect the same from him. I dosen't matter that my parents have always been there for me, my significant other is my significant other. If there ever comes a day when we are not each others number one anymore, there is nothing significant in our relationship anymore. If my SO has to work for Christmas, I won't go to my home town to be with my parents, I will stay home waiting for him despite the fact that I would love to be home with my parents. But my discomfort would be nothing next to his if I left him to be all alone for Christmas.

    My parents find his to be compleatly normal. If I break up wih my SO, my parents will be on my side, but untill that day there is no "my side and his side" for them, there is only "our side". The same goes to my brothers.

    If my parents got sick and needed help and support from me, it would be a different situation.
     
  15. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    That was a large reason why my husband and I are divorcing. We weren't even really aware it could happen until it was much too late.
     
  16. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I think it really depends on the situation. My mom was in Taiwan for months at a time because her mother was sick and near death. If at that time, my dad had suggested that she wasn't putting enough into their marriage (because God knows he can stress himself out with his own work), I think she would have told him where to stick it. :lol:

    What's important is compromise. Maybe you could all join your family for one holiday, and then join his family (or go it solo) for another. Then again my family doesn't put a whole lot of stock in absolutely getting everyone together for holidays and guilt-tripping people who can't make it. :p
     
  17. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    Crisis is different. The rules go out the window in a crisis. It's when it's all the time, everyday, and there isn't agreement that's the issue.
     
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  18. luna_skater

    luna_skater Well-Known Member

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    Putting a significant other before my family is not something I'd *never* do. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about the dynamics of my former relationship, suffice it to say that this was one facet of a multitude of issues. I'm sure you can understand that this was not exactly a black and white issue. I brought it up to identify with the point bobalina77 was making, that the kind of relationship a partner has with his/her family can impact your relationship as a couple.

    I've seen a lot of marriages crumble for a lot of reasons.

    ETA: Re-reading my initial post, I realize it may come across as though I was running home to my family every chance I got. Not the case at all. My ex and I lived together, and spent all of our time together--when he wasn't working, which was not often. On the flip side of the situation, his 24/7 job came ahead of me, almost always. As I mentioned, he worked in retail. He worked constantly by choice, not necessity. We're not talking about someone who had a career saving lives. To remain on topic, that's a dealbreaker for me. I need someone who's willing to try and find balance in his life. This guy didn't make any effort to do that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  19. luna_skater

    luna_skater Well-Known Member

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    Agreed. :respec:
     
  20. lise

    lise New Member

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    There has to be a limit though.

    My husband wanted his mom over for our wedding over a year ago, telling me and the rest of the family it was for a 6 month visit. Guess what, she's now living with us and she doesn't want to go home. He never consulted me about this, just decided on his own because she is his mother.

    Was I angry and bitter at him for this? You bet I was and I really yelled at him for deceiving me. Did I forgive him? You bet I did, although it's taken me just over a year to really accept it and stop being resentful. At the end of the day I realized that she was his only living parent, and that it was important to him to have her around. Since it's that important to him, it became important to me too. So, some closeness to family is nice, but you need to make sure you put your marriage first and support each other.
     
  21. MOIJTO

    MOIJTO Banned Member

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    To the first the spelling is minor, grammar and the use of language quite different.

    But...what is a momma's boy?
     
  22. bobalina77

    bobalina77 Duck Hunter

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    I agree there has to be a limit.. but I think it's easier to come to an understanding when your significant other has the same sort of relationship with their family.

    Mojito a momma's boy is a guy who runs to his mom everytime there is a problem and basically lets his mom run his life. My boyfriend is close to his mom (he would do anything for her) but she doesn't run his life.
     
  23. Rafter

    Rafter Well-Known Member

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    To me bad spelling isn't "minor". It shows a lack of either: 1) education; 2) actual interest in proper use of the English language; 3) intelligence; or 4) all of the above. :shuffle:

    A momma's boy is someone who is coddled by their mother even in adulthood. A momma's boy usually can't make a move without running it by his mother first and getting her approval. He typically allows himself to be controlled by his mother and lets his mother run his life. One of my cousin's is a momma's boy. Coddled and babied to the extreme by my aunt. His poor wife. :(
     
  24. gkelly

    gkelly Well-Known Member

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    Or dyslexia?
     
  25. Andora

    Andora Well-Known Member

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    They also tend to want their significant other to take care of them, which doesn't often fly these days. :p I know a mama's boy whose mom doesn't really control him, nor does he run anything by her before doing it. She does, however, still take care of him and insist he live at home until he buys a house instead of standing on his own two feet. (Though his father is part of this problem as well) He's gone through a few girlfriends who couldn't stand the thought of having to be his caretaker in life.

    His current girlfriend is vastly different and I hope it makes him grow up. She also looks like Rachael Flatt, which was vastly weird when talking to her. :lol:

    Absolutely.

    Also, Microsoft Word kinda screwed a lot of people. What pressure is there to keep up your spelling skills when you don't have to? In my job interview years ago, they even said "don't worry about spelling. Word picks it up." I wouldn't be surprised if many folks can't spell quite the way they used to. I know my spelling isn't exactly excellent.
     
  26. luna_skater

    luna_skater Well-Known Member

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    I am a much better speller than my brother, who was three grades behind me, for one reason: Phonics. When they got rid of that program at my school, the spelling skills of the grades who missed out on it dropped significantly. I don't know what programs are in place now, but my parents and my friends' parents used to discuss the difference this made with their younger kids all the time. My brother is intelligent, has a great job as a web developer, has worked for a high-profile computer company, and actually does have quite strong grammar skills. But spelling is a struggle for him because he wasn't given the right tools when he was younger.

    I prefer someone who has strong writing skills, but don't demand perfection. I have a high standard for myself, but don't expect the same of everyone. That said...if a guy has great difficulty putting a simple coherent sentence together, I definitely consider it a turn-off.
     
  27. gkelly

    gkelly Well-Known Member

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    I'd also be more forgiving of spelling in English from someone who learned it as an adult, as a third language. ;)
     
  28. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    :lol: My ex-bf is a terrible speller but he's completely the opposite of everything you've listed. He's just a bad speller with bad memory, so he can't remember the proper spelling of things. He gets away with it in the workplace (where he makes good money) because of spellcheck. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter, since he's a good communicator besides the spelling. Much prefer better communication over better spelling, if you're going to have one but not both.

    It was hilarious when he made fun of someone's perceived bad spelling (which was actually correct) by using "genious." Twice, months apart. I have a good memory so I recalled the first time it happened, and had a jolly good :rofl:.
     
  29. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    How do you feel about improper use of plurals vs. possessives? :shuffle:

    Word does not pick it up :mad:. Word is pretty good at picking up typos, but isn't all that great at picking up spelling errors and does an absolutely lousy job of picking up grammar errors.

    It drives me crazy when people think they don't need to check spelling any more because Word will catch it.

    One of the reasons phonics was tossed out for a few years is that phonics has limited application in the English language and is not an effective method for a significant percentage of the population. It works for many, but does not work for all. The ability to spell well is a complex neurological function; most schools now recognize this and teach spelling and reading from several approaches, including but not limited to phonics. It is quite possible to have good phonics skills and poor spelling.
     
  30. skatingfan5

    skatingfan5 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not sure if phonics was used in the schools when I learned to read. Actually, I learned to read before I started school, so I don't really know HOW I learned to read or spell correctly. I do know that spelling now seems to involve visual perception as much as anything, because when I'm proofreading something, the misspelled words seem to jump out of text that I am quickly scanning. (Now that I think about it, proofreading really isn't the same skill as spelling.) MS Word's spellcheck can lead to some pretty strange substitutions/suggestions if one isn't careful and is totally useless when it comes to homonyms.