Wedding/showers..advice, ettiquette, and general bitching!

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Smiley0884, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. Yazmeen

    Yazmeen Well-Known Member

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    We went to St. Croix in December for the destination wedding of a couple in their 50s, second marriage for both who is the president of our scuba diving club. About 20 people came, some divers, some nondivers, but a group who loved dive travel and could afford the trip without problem. Once back in the States, the bride and groom held a semi-formal reception with dinner for those who traveled and many other friends who couldn't come. A lovely way to have a second wedding.

    I had to laugh remembering my late mother and one particular wedding gift my husband and I received at our wedding almost 28 years ago. It was my "mother's wedding," we just let her run with the planning for the sake of our sanity. She had gone to the wedding of a woman whose family was from our church who married in her late 30s, and my mother loved her wedding reception, so my parents booked the same venue, had the same meal, etc., which was fine, nothing was really objectional about it, it was a nice reception. My mom gushed about this woman, she was "dream bride" in Mom's eyes for her "exquisite taste." Being older, (Mom had me at age 45), my parents loved old Eastern European traditions like the bridal dance, where everyone pays a few dollars to down a shot and dance with the bride. My mom ordered these ugly shot glasses with sort of Aztec looking striped tape on them, which the guests kept as souvenirs, because, of course, "dream bride" had them at her wedding. Okay, liveable, and my Dad's boss's wife turned it into a "groomal" dance also and it was fun.

    Now, dream bride showed up at our wedding in a perfect navy blue and white ensemble, including tasteful shoes and hat. When we opened the gifts after the honeymoon, my mother kept insisting we had to call her when we opened dream bride's gift, she was dying to know what it was. Well, guess what? The beeyotch gave us a cheap ceramic vase that matched the Aztec-striped shot glasses. The decorative tape on one side was even off kilter. When we opened the gifts, we were half loaded on wine, and we collapsed laughing when we saw this. We presume she probably used it at her own wedding, and dumped it on us in lieu of buying a gift. I would have loved to have seen the expression on my mother's face when we told her by phone. She just got very quiet. We used the vase once; it cracked when we poured water in it. Our standing joke was that we'd save it for our first really, really BIG fight to throw. Proud to say the ugly piece of crap is still in our basement, unharmed. And my mother pretty much ignored dream bride when she visited our hometown after that...
     
  2. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    Disagree. Many people want to share important moments with those that matter to them, and certainly many people, especially parents, want to be part of important occasions for those they love. Many also consider a wedding to be a cause of celebration, symbolizing many things.

    Sure, for some it's just a legal act, but I think for most, it's much more than that.
     
  3. Habs

    Habs Well-Known Member

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    Disagree completely.

    The most important part of my wedding was having family and friends there to celebrate with us. Yes, technically Mr. Habs and I could have tied the knot at city hall by ourselves, saved a lot of money and been done with it, but what we wanted were people around us to share our day. To show our appreciation, we treated them to a lovely sit-down dinner and a fun party afterwards. Excessive? Not at all. We stuck to a budget, had a wonderful time and NONE of it was just for show. :rolleyes:

    Some people go overboard, sure. But to suggest that anything at a wedding other than the couple and an officiant is just for show is unfair. YMMV.
     
  4. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I dont know that immediate Honeymoon translates to a long, happy marriage. I know plenty of people who went on Honeymoons right after the wedding, they are miserable or divorced. And I know people who waited, who are perfectly happy. In my daughter's situation, they can afford to go away. But, they both have school. They didn't want to wait another 2 years to finish (they are 28 & 30). They wanted a September wedding, the week after school begins. They will probably take 2 days and go somewhere, but the plan is to go to Europe when they are done with next spring's semester.
     
  5. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I'm in the middle of the final weeks of classes, not to mention work (with a very understanding boss) with 2.5 more weeks until the wedding, and I CANNOT imagine planning a honeymoon on top of it! It would break me. :fragile:

    My aunt donated her numerous Marriott points for us to take a honeymoon at the end of the summer to Kauai. :) IIRC my best friend hasn't take a honeymoon yet, and they've been married a year. :p

    Alf did say we could do a short mini-honeymoon after my classes are done. We'll probably rent a small RV and go to Joshua Tree or something. It still wouldn't be an immediate trip, because I still have 2 weeks of classes after the wedding, but it's still sooner than August. :p
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2013
  6. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Also, honestly the only reason why I DIDN'T elope (considering both Alf and I are introverted hermits and have never thrown a party before), was because I wanted to make stuff for it. :shuffle: It was the perfect excuse to make what I never would have otherwise! :lol: When would I be 100% in charge of fancy invitations or cake topper or table centerpieces? :rofl:

    My mom agrees, she's enjoying the crafting much more than the seeing of family. :p Or rather, the organizing of seeing said family...
     
  7. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    I think you've both missed my point about honeymoons, but whatever, to each his own.
     
  8. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I think we're taking offense that you're saying we'll get divorced or at least be in an unhappy marriage if I don't unselfishly skip my last weeks of classes in probably my last semester ever, to take a vacation. ;)

    I mean, we could have waited until next year to get married, but after I finish up these classes, we have no idea where we plan to be. The wedding coinciding with the beginning of the next stage of my life seemed to match.
     
  9. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    You're taking offense at something I didn't say, and certainly didn't intend.
     
  10. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Épaulement!!!

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    I don't see how going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding has anything to do with the quality and duration of marriage. :confused:
     
  11. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    ITA, I'm sure it has nothing to do with it either way. Just like celebrating or not celebrating Valentine's Day or wedding anniversaries is in no way related to the the happiness of a marriage. For some people that stuff is important. Just like for some a wedding with family and friends is important while others choose to go to City Hall.

    There really is no right or wrong way. Just different tastes and expectations. As long as both the groom and bride are happy, then all is well. Suggesting that a honeymoon right after the wedding somehow gives the marriage a better chance is, IMHO, just silly.
     
  12. elka_sk8

    elka_sk8 Well-Known Member

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    When my best friend got married, I gave them a ride home from the reception at midnight. They had a 7am flight the next morning to take a cruise and hadn't even packed yet! I vowed then and there not to do that.....

    We got married last fall and took the honeymoon 6 weeks after the wedding. We were using frequent flyer miles for our tickets so had to be flexible on dates anyway, but it worked out really well. Out honeymoon was a 3 week trip to SE Asia, and although I definitely did a lot of research and planning before the wedding (mainly because I love planning travel) once crunch time hit I could drop it and focus on wedding details. Like you I don't know how I would have managed with everything else! Our families were also out of town and we did most of the wedding planning ourselves. I was a bit stressed. ;)

    Hang in there! And Kauai sounds awesome!
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2013
  13. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    Oh for heaven's sake. Try to offer some positive encouraging advice, and all you get are people taking the point far too literally or getting defensive about it. Sheesh.

    It's not the honeymoon per se, or Valentine's or anniversaries in and of themselves. It's the choice you make to commit to another person and to the relationship between each other; to say "this matters" to me and to us; and to prioritize that person and the relationship, along with and among your other priorities.

    And of course there are other ways of expressing that commitment to the relationship and expressing it and love for one another. I just think that if you are new to it all, that choosing to take time that's just about your relationship - not families and friends and school and work and everything else - is a very good way to start what will hopefully be a long and happy marriage in which you will not only celebrate all those other occasions, but every single day of your life together.
     
  14. heckles

    heckles Banned Member

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    At least destination weddings tend to drop most of the religious pretense. I've always thought it was weird when a couple would get married in their hometown, but at a religious facility to which they had no connection. Most of these couples had to call around to get a facility that would host them, and eventually used a relative's church, synagogue or whatever. Then the couple never attends that facility ever again. If it was so important to have a religious wedding, maybe they should have joined that religion?
     
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  15. JasperBoy

    JasperBoy Well-Known Member

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    Just for the record, I totally agree about marriages being wonderful family occasions. People have a chance to get together under happy circumstances, and the generations party together. Better than meeting only at funerals, IMHO.

    What bothers me is people (no one here) who say they can't afford to get married. Or who think that a wedding has to be an extravagant affair with hundreds of unknown guests. No, it really just needs three people, and maybe a couple of witnesses.

    BTW I was married 48 years ago with about fifty close friends and family in attendance. I am currently planning a 70th birthday party and family reunion which will include as many as those same people as possible, plus others. Another good reason to celebrate.
     
  16. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

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    We left for our honeymoon the day after our wedding- at 2 in the morning (our reception went until about 1:30), my new in-laws were in our room getting my dress and my husband's uniform to take home with them. We woke up at 8ish, ate breakfast with the family that happened to be down at the hotel lobby and were off.

    My only regret was that a) we missed the big brunch with the family (and getting to eat the leftover wedding cake- our cake was SO good. I keep wanting to go to the bakery just to get a slice or a mini cake, but it's way too expensive) and b) it turned out to be the day the national championship football game was played and DH's team was in it. He got to watch like 15 minutes of it between one of our flights and just heard snippets of people talking about who won after another, a major bummer.

    We packed weeks before the wedding though!

    I also think we probably set a record for time spent apart on our honeymoon- we went skiing and he's a great skier and I'm a mediocre one, so we only skied together a run or two a day, then he'd meet me for lunch. So my secret to a happy marriage is to be yourself and not try to be something else. We are pretty independent, and even our honeymoon started that way. It's been 9 years and things still seem to be good though.


    My Mom planned 90% of my wedding. Not necessarily what I would have chosen on all accounts, but I loved the 'just show up and get married' aspect of it. The ceremony and reception wasn't the important part to me, the family was.


    heckles I was adamant about getting married in the church I grew up in. My parents recommended another that would be prettier for pictures, but it wasn't what I wanted. What is funny is I don't really attend church, and they go 'religiously'. But for me, I wanted to get married in the same place I got my first communion and baptism, for my Dad, a Catholic church is a Catholic church. My sister had to church shop because she needed to find a priest that would allow her father-in-law to co-officiate, they ended up finding a priest who said he only needed to say like one part of the ceremony for it to be official, so they got married there.
     
  17. JasperBoy

    JasperBoy Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely. Well said.
     
  18. numbers123

    numbers123 Well-Known Member

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    ITA - the honeymoon itself, leaving for a vacation after the wedding does not indicate a success or failure of a marriage.

    Jenny - the way that you described it in this last post (emphasis is mine), I can understand what you mean. I do think that you can do this without the dream honeymoon or leaving the area or being totally out of contact with the world. There could be situations where the disconnect from the world allows for the minor things that may or may not have happened during the ceremony/reception/other family celebrations to blow up into big things because you have no other perspective to help you.

    In the end, a marriage is more than the wedding, reception, showers, gifts and honeymoon. My mom and dad have been married for 61 years. Their wedding was small (about 25 or so in attendance), their honeymoon was a one day stay at a local hotel because both had to be at work on Monday morning. My niece had a wedding that included 7 attendants, a reception that had 200+ family members and friends, they left for a honeymoon in Jamaica the next morning for a 10 day stay. That marriage ended 3 years later with a mountain of debt. Difference? my parents committed to each other despite the lack of a real honeymoon. my niece and her husband did not commit to each other even with the 10 day get away.

    regarding destination weddings - 3 of my nieces have had destination weddings, 2 of my nieces had weddings that I have had to travel 3 or more hours for, 1 niece and 1 nephew had weddings that were planned in 2 weeks because of deployment of the grooms and then had wedding renewal ceremonies upon their return to the states, in the end it was what they wanted. 3 destination weddings had a reception upon their return. They could afford to do the weddings and had no expectations that others attend.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2013
  19. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    We waited about a year to go on a major trip - it didn't feel like a honeymoon in any way. We both went to work the day after our wedding. So I feel like we never had a honeymoon. None of our trips together have ever had the type of romance that I imagine a honeymoon has. Obviously it hasn't affected our actual marriage but it is something that is missing & will always be missing. Not a major big deal in the scheme of things but a trip right then was doable & we put it off, which I regret.
     
  20. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    Your original post came across rather negative. I had mentioned that my daughter and her fiancee were waiting to take their honeymoon. You said this:
    That would certainly imply that people who don't take a honeymoon right after their wedding are not headed for a happy marriage. You may not have meant that, but that is how it came across. Not going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding hardly means that the relationship doesn't matter. I simply means that the two people, who make up the couple, have decided that it will work better for their needs to wait. That is respecting each other.
     
  21. 4rkidz

    4rkidz GPF Barcelona here I come

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    Hope you have a lovely wedding Anita, I LOVED my wedding.. its was almost 27 years ago and it was totally my wedding with my rules.. no showers allowed (just a girls bachelorette night out).. no 'rules' at the reception.. presents optional and certainly not expected (a lot of our friends were poor students at the time).. we paid for it ourselves so cash bar (not going to add to our young friends drinking habits ;)).. and saved our money for a fantastic honey moon (toured the States in our old Camero for a month) a combination of camping and hotels.. my hubby was great that it was all about 'my' day.. and parents were clearly informed to enjoy the ride but I was driving ;) Upon reflection I think the issue is that each bride has the wedding she wants.. be it cheapo like ours.. or the price of a house deposit.. because memories really are priceless :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2013
  22. Smiley0884

    Smiley0884 New Member

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    I think I might have said it upthread, but I can't afford to get married right now, not the way my bf and I want to anyway. While I agree that weddings don't have to be all about the hoopla and extravagance, we don't want that type of wedding anyway. With a baby on the way, my possibly taking up to 6 months off of work, and buying a condo, we just can't afford it right now. Both of us come from very close knit families, and we both have close friends that we want to share the day with. I don't see what the big deal is about stating the fact that we're waiting a few years to get married, due to finiancial reasons :confused:
     
  23. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    cruisin, I think you are being overly defensive, somewhat understandable as your daughter clearly means a great deal to you and you are a good mom. Maybe if you read the rest of the post again with my assurances that I truly meant to offer encouraging positive advice for all couples planning to get married you'll see that I wish your daughter well too.
     
  24. numbers123

    numbers123 Well-Known Member

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    4rkids - 40 years ago, the wedding showers were not really for me (I mean they were, but) it was that my friends and my mother-in-law thought they were important and necessary. All the stupid games too. Our reception was in the church - no alcohol mostly due to the fact that we were 21 and 20. It was a miracle that we didn't kill each other during out honeymoon. We left following the reception.

    • Lost hubcaps on his mother's car while driving to the hotel, which meant we had to double back to find them.
    • The first day of our travels, he didn't stop for lunch. I tend to get rather irritable (down right angry due to low blood sugar) when I don't eat and kept waiting for a stop.
    • Got stopped at border because we didn't declare something - asked if we were going to leave anything in Canada and said no. Border patrol didn't understand why we had gifts in the car :)
    • Traveled to Winnipeg - a lovely city -and the hotel we stayed at for the first couple of days had a fire and we needed to evacuate the building. I didn't believe him when he said we needed to get out until he opened the door so I could hear the alarms.
    • Lost his wedding ring after 5 days of marriage - left in a hotel.
    • Got lost in the wilds of Canada - seriously, took the wrong highway and had a difficult time finding a place to stop
    • Got lost in Michigan on the way home. I drove his mother's car into the ditch (actually ran off the interstate avoiding a hazard).
    • Other driving issues in Chicago. And when we finally got home discovered all those rolls and rolls of pictures we took were blank - the camera was broken didn't know it.

    Going back to a normal work/school routine is probably the thing that saved our marriage. :p
     
  25. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    What cruisin said. And yeah, I'm defensive since I'm the one in this thread gettin married in under 3 weeks with no honeymoon planned until August. :p

    But I get what Jenny means about taking time for each other. For us, that time will be 7 hours Sunday afternoon as we drive back down after the wedding. :p
     
  26. mkats

    mkats New Member

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    Nah, I think your situation is totally understandable. For me when it gets tacky is when people whine about not having enough money to do all the "hoopla and extravagance", as you described, and then start throwing things like jack and jill parties, because they want their big fancy wedding NOW.

    One of my good friends is getting married in a few weeks from Richmond, where her fiance's family lives. Unfortunately that's about an 8 hour drive from here, and with all of us being busy and poor grad students, that means the vast majority of us will not be able to make it. One of the invitees has other family in the area, so she does plan on attending, and the rest of us agreed to pool together money and get her something nice off of her registry, that the one attendee can bring up with her. The bride was very understanding about this and said that she'd hadn't expected too many of us to be able to make it, but didn't want us to feel left out. :)
     
  27. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Now ubering Machida's hair

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    I personally think getting married is about showing a commitment to each other, and you don't need to celebrate with your friends or family - you could do that later, in my mind. But, then again, people have such different ideas about weddings, so it makes sense other people feel differently!

    as for the honeymoon, I think there is something fun about doing something as 'newly weds'. But I think it can be as simple as a night or two in a hotel where nobody bothers you ;).
    We ended up going on a long trip (2 weeks) before the wedding to Ireland, and then a short honeymoon (4 days) right after the wedding to Hamburg. My parents gifted us the train tickets and a very nice hotel. I was fun!

    I don't think what you do is an indicator of the marriage - it only is if you don't agree on what to do, maybe ;).


    I think it is interesting that people have so many different ideas - but then again, our most expensive thing for the wedding was the dinner, we both love good food. Most other weddings we have been to have really bland food, I find, but then people might spend more on what is important to them. As long as people do that, so they will get a day to remember one way of the other, that is what is should be like. And as wedding guests we should try and respect the choices :)
     
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  28. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Épaulement!!!

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    We had our honeymoon a week after the wedding for two reasons:
    1. We wanted to attend a friend's wedding the following weekend
    2. I couldn't fathom dealing with a hasty departure right after the wedding.

    It felt too much for me--I am very easily overwhelmed with these things. The wedding prep, the wedding itself which was fairly big, left me longing for normalcy. We were both back at work the following week and I was never happier to be back in my routine. After the friend's wedding we were off to our honeymoon--several weeks in Italy, meticulously researched.

    I had the time of my life.
     
  29. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    We went to Hawaii a day after our wedding. We got married on Saturday, left on Monday. Sunday morning, I woke up with a 105º fever. We called the Dr. he put me on Tetracycline (never told me it would make me photosensitive) and said I should go ahead to Hawaii. I was miserable on the plane, felt better once we got there. Wound up with sun poisoning since I didn't know I should stay out of the sun on the meds. Hawaii was beautiful, but it was an adventure. Since them, we've been to Hawaii 2 more times. The 2nd time it rained for the entire 2 weeks we were there. That was when they had the severe flooding in Kauai, a river went over it's banks and took out roads and homes - we were there then. The 3rd time was when the Tsunami hit Japan and we were evacuated in Maui. I think we should stay away from Hawaii :lol:!
     
  30. 4rkidz

    4rkidz GPF Barcelona here I come

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    See this is what I meant about memories being priceless.. Numbers - Winnipeg?? Really ;) LOL.. thanks for sharing.. I am sure Anita will make her own memories :)