Wedding/showers..advice, ettiquette, and general bitching!

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Smiley0884, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    I grew up on Emily Post & Miss Manners & according to them there is nothing wrong with inviting people to the wedding & not the reception. If you're a member of a church & the wedding is held at the church, then any member is allowed to attend the wedding unless you have an usher at the door with a list. And some churchs hold hundreds of people but you may not want (or can't afford) that many at the reception. But wedding invitations should not have directions to the reception if the person isn't invited. And they certainly shouldn't take your gift & then turn you away.

    Also, where I grew up people didn't bring gifts to the wedding/receptions so if you weren't invited to a shower you sent your gift to the mother of the bride's house or to the bride if she lived somewhere else. And family NEVER threw any kind of shower or gift grab & the happy couple NEVER even implied they would like money. (If family threw a shower then ONLY family were invited, otherwise it was considered tacky.) The bridesmaids were supposed to throw one shower, usually a lingerie shower, & usually friends of the parents would throw others.

    Re the plus one, when I was a single girl I expected to be able to bring a date to the reception unless it was a very small one held in someone's home. But of course if the invitation didn't say + 1 then I could either choose not to go or to go alone. Etiquette sure has changed a lot.
     
  2. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

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    I remember invitations in the 80s, maybe 90s too, that had the phrase "no gifts please" in the corner, which was (supposed to be) polite for "give us money."
     
  3. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    You speak for me, as well Taf!
     
  4. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I agree, as you said, as long as it's clear on the invite.

    When I got married, 31 years ago, we had a shower. Only people invited to the wedding were invited to the shower. It seemed like inviting those who were not invited to the wedding would make them feel bad. It is tradition, maybe it's an Italian thing, to bring a physical gift to the shower and give money for the wedding. People typically send physical gifts to the house, prior to the wedding, they bring an envelope to the wedding if they are giving money. It is customary to cover one's plate at the wedding. Of course that is not mandatory, and it can only be a guess on amount.

    That is true. However, weddings have become so expensive, that people have to limit + ones. If a wedding reception is $200 + per person, an extra 10 people is more than $2,000. My daughter and her fiancee have a lot of friends who they are inviting. probably 1/3 of them are not married/living together/or engaged. We set a limit of 150 people, it is already at 215 invites. If we added the extra + ones, it would be around 230. there will be a good mix of single guys and girls there. And no one will be there not knowing several other people.
     
  5. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    Weddings are evil.
     
  6. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I just talked to my mom. She tried to book a room at the hotel we organized the block at, and was only quoted the most expensive room rate, which is $20/night more than the standard room discount we were given. :shuffle: She called her SIL and the same thing happened had with her.

    I'm debating whether to tell Alf this, because he gets his rage on over subpar customer service. His standard for customer service is also pretty damn high. (Why, I have no clue. I save my wrath for things like reading about CNN's coverage over Steubenville. :mad: :mad: :mad: ) And in all likelihood, the hotel will tell us that there were no standard rooms left, which is why they recently had to give everybody the executive rooms. We only told them the number to reserve, we didn't tell them how many at which rate. (Our contract listed 3 room rates.) Maybe this was a loophole they capitalized on. :p

    Well, I hope all my relatives will find kitchenettes in their rooms on our wedding weekend. :shuffle: At least all my less financially stable guests have relatives in the area that they're staying with for free. Everybody I'm aware of who booked that hotel were much more well-off and probably were none the wiser until my cheapo Asian mom got on the case. :lol:
     
  7. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Anita, I wouldn't tell Alf or give it a 2nd thought. Your responsibility was to reserve the rooms, period. The hotel's responsibility was to make available X number of rooms. Next time you may want to specify the number of rooms at each rate but since you didn't do that, the hotel did nothing wrong. And nothing is keeping your guests from going elsewhere if they don't like the hotel or the rates. But you have enough to think about, this isn't something you need to worry about.

    The last out-of-town wedding I went to the bride had reserved 30 rooms but those 30 were already booked when I called. The hotel told me they had more rooms but I couldn't get the discounted rate. That didn't make sense to me - they got more business than anticipated but they chose to alienate the extra guests? Dumb. We stayed elsewhere.
     
  8. mkats

    mkats New Member

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    I'm late to the thread, but Anita, you look so beautiful in your wedding dress!!! Congratulations to you and Alf!! :)
     
  9. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    We booked a block at a hotel near the venue, for my daughter's wedding. We booked a special rate which includes breakfast. They would only block 30 rooms, initially. However, we have stayed in contact and as we reach the limit, the hotel increases the block. We are fortunate, in that they have a sister hotel a half mile away. So, if we run out of rooms, they have agreed to put the overflow in that hotel for the same rate. What is nice is that they will shuttle everyone to the venue and back from the venue from both hotels. Also, since everyone will be going back to the primary hotel after the wedding (live music until 1:00am, bar open until 2:00am), they will shuttle guests at the sister hotel back to their hotel from the primary one at 2:00am. We did go with a smallish locally owned hotel, not a big corporate one.

    Oh, and I agree with taf2002, don't mention it to Alf. If you know it will only upset him, why tell him? Let him be blissfully oblivious :lol:.
     
  10. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I think that's actually how hotel blocks are supposed to work. :eek:

    Yeah we honestly didn't know how many people would stay at the hotel. It's in the San Francisco Bay Area, and everybody either lived within 2 hours driving or had relatives there. We only got a block of 10 rooms, with the expectation that they wouldn't be filled. We only went with this hotel because they wouldn't penalize us for not filling the block. They're not taking off the discount if we don't reach that number. So I guess it ain't all bad, and you can't get everything you want. :p

    It's not a super-fancy hotel, so I actually expected that our more well-off guests would stay elsewhere, but it turns out that all my coworkers (whom I was most concerned about) are staying with relatives and our aforementioned well-off guests seem to have taken over the hotel. :lol: Even Alf's parents, who live 40 minutes away, are staying there! My mom would do that, except no hotel in the area takes dogs and Alf would rather be dead than be with his worrywart mother the morning of his wedding, so we have to drive up an hour the morning of. :lol:

    I'm glad people are coming to a consensus! :lol: It wouldn't have concerned me that much either, except my mother seemed to be upset. And when it's your mom, you want to make it right! She did tell me later not to worry about it and certainly not to tell Alf! :rofl:

    Thank you! :)
     
  11. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    crusin, the shuttle planned for my niece's wedding didn't work as well as we hoped.
    Confirm, and re-confirm, everything!
     
  12. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Oh no, shuttle problems!! :drama:
     
  13. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    We live about 40 minutes from the venue. We are staying at the hotel. Simply because we don't want to drive home afterwards, and most of our friends and family will be there.

    I've had an in depth shuttle conversation with the hotel event planner. she assures me that if they cannot handle all of our guests in two runs with their shuttles, they will bring in more (at no cost to us). She also said that if they feel getting a bus would be best, they will do that. We will go over that the week before the wedding once all of the rooms have been confirmed. This is the hotel, it's small, as I said: http://www.thesomersethillshotel.com They have worked with Fiddler's Elbow before and they do not want to lose their accommodations recommendation. this is the venue: http://www.fiddlerselbowcc.com the service will be there as well. I posted that, because not everyone knows how beautiful parts of NJ are :).
     
  14. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Fiddler's Elbow is gorgeous!
     
  15. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely, it looks like the perfect venue for your celebration, crusin!
     
  16. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    ^^ X 2 Thanks, it is beautiful. And the staff is treats us like family.
     
  17. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

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    What do people usually get for weddings gifts? In my culture, you are pretty much expected to give money.
     
  18. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

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    In my experience (middle class white american, weddings in Texas, New England/East Coast, Mid-west), relatives usually give checks or buy off a registry. Friends tend to buy something off a registry. I don't know too many people who would give money to a friend.

    It is "frowned upon" to give a gift selected by the giver that isn't on the registry- as that usually results in getting random stuff you don't want or duplicates of things you already have. I would say the exception being if you know the person really well or have a spectacular talent that makes a good gift. A friend who is a wildlife photographer usually gives a framed photograph, and those are generally well received. (By frowned upon, I mean, most people graciously accept the gift, but these tend to be the things that become "OMG you would not believe this punch bowl my Aunt Mary gave me!")


    Funny story- we did actually get one of those 'what the heck is this' presents when someone gave us a blown glass vase. It is a horrible color, but it was clearly expensive. Well, 8 years later, we actually still have it out and it has kind of grown on me. Some of the other stuff we got that we registered for to make our home together we no longer have.
     
  19. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    It is tradition in my culture to give a gift at the shower and money for the wedding (even friends).
     
  20. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Now ubering Machida's hair

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    Usually household items. We choose a china design from Royal Copenhagen and asked for plates and cups, this is quite usual. Usually this stuff is too expensive for young people, but then you have your 'nice china'. We use ours every day. We also had wine glasses and those kind of things on the list.

    Of stuff we didn't have on the registry was some towels, and a multi tiered china snack bowl thingy that my friends got on their trip to Taiwan. We still have it, never use it...

    My poor cousin got a painting of a fishing boat in stormy waters at his first wedding. Neither he nor his ex wife had any relations to the sea or fishing... it was one of those very odd things, looking like a hotel room painting... Not quite sure what they did with it!
     
  21. moojja

    moojja Active Member

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    Same here. If all the guests are from the same culture, it's not an issue, but but what's a polite way of telling people to give money instead of a gift if they're from a different culture?
     
  22. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    On our wedding website, we directed people to the Wikipedia entry for "red envelope." :saint: I'm Chinese so it actually works out! Of course my relatives are already aware, and nobody on Alf's side has given us grief about it, so I think it's okay.

    I did have a friend at my bachelorette party yesterday ask me where I was registered. :lol: I assured her we didn't want any stuff! We live in a studio apartment and will probably stick to small living spaces. They're more affordable!

    She also noted that this is probably how I've stayed so calm and sane. I just forego all the "traditions" I don't want to do. No fighting about the registry, no fighting about the seating chart, no stressing out about flowers....Bliss! :saint:
     
  23. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    My niece had a page where she asked - discreetly, if there is such a thing, for contributions to their Paris/Amsterdam/Iceland honeymoon.
    They will be guests at the May wedding (Paris) of the couple who helped coordinate their hotel/rehearsal dinner arrangements.
    Apparently, most of their guests chose to do so.

    This was new to me.
    I felt more comfortable contributing toward the cost of her dress; so I did that, instead.
     
  24. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    It used to be, that you would never tell a guest to give money. However, it has become popular (recently) to ask guests to contribute to something like a honeymoon or a house. I don't love the idea, but it seems to be acceptable.
     
  25. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Now ubering Machida's hair

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    I had friends who asked for contributions for their honeymoon, but instead of asking for money they used some service where you could put in your itinerary and they guests would pick from a list of things such as hotel nights and romantic dinners. That way it felt like you brought an 'item' rather than giving money, we gave them 2 nights in Florence specifically because I love Florence (they were touring Italy).
     
  26. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    I just accepted whatever the guests felt comfortable giving. For example, I had guests at my wedding that were Nisga'a (which is a small First Nations group). As part of their culture guests contribute to the wedding or reception in some way. Things like the dishes the wedding party uses, dress, suits, photography, cake, etc... are all gifts from the guests. At the reception, they gave my dad an envelope of money to contribute to the costs of the wedding. Not what I would have done or expected, but my dad just let me know so I could write the appropriate thank you.
     
  27. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Other than in cultures where a money gift is the usual thing, I think it's a bad idea to hint to people like me (i.e. older people) that you want money. I find it offensive & it makes me want to not give them anything. Parents of the bride & groom are going to invite their own friends - these are people who usually are in a place in their lives where money isn't much of an issue. So you can expect a pretty nice gift. My usual gift used to be a piece of Waterford but now with registries I just get something off the list. The only time I give money is if it's an out-of-town wedding that I'm not going to, & then only if it's my idea & not requested (demanded).

    I have heard brides gripe about the value of their gifts, as though the value should be at least equal to or exceeding the cost per guest. I think people forget that weddings are a party & a rite celebrating a marriage, not a gift grab. You wouldn't give a regular party & expect your guests to compensate you for your hospitality. It's supposed to be just what the invitation says: the pleasure of your company.
     
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  28. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

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    So there was a time without registries where the bride and groom might be stuck with 3 sets of China? :yikes:

    I think there are some customs that expect that... I think in Japan the expected monetary gifts are from $200 and up, depending on the location of the wedding, how close you are to the couple etc etc...


    Anita, I think what you did with the wedding website is a very nice idea :)
     
  29. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Waterford is not a set of China. It is cut leaded glass. And haven't you ever heard of returning duplicates? BTW, registries don't eliminate the problem of duplicates. Some people aren't savvy enough to have the clerk take their choice off the registry.
     
  30. Smiley0884

    Smiley0884 New Member

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    Yeah, I know people who have gotten duplicates from a registry, so it's definitely not a guarantee that you won't get any.

    Anita, I know tons of people who are already living together, so they forgo the registry too. I tend to give money, just because most of the weddings I've been to don't have a registry.

    Awkward situation...my friend has been hosting lots of "ladies night" bonding type of events so all of her female friends could get to know each other before the wedding....I got to know one of her friends pretty well, and she had recently sent me a facebook message saying that she was super bummed out that she had been UNINVITED to the wedding !! :yikes:

    Apparently, a few distant family memebers had originally RSVPed "no" so the bride used her "no's" to invite some extra friends. Well....one of those family members changed their RSVP to a "yes", so she decided to uninvite one of the "extra" friends.
    Is that something that is considered ok? Am I out of line to think my friend is being super tacky and rude?? Honestly, I would just suck it up and pay for the extra person to come, and if that wasn't possible, I would inform my distant family memeber, that unfortunately, their last minute change of plans could not be accomodated. I wouldn't dis-invite a guest a WEEK before the wedding! :scream: