Wedding/showers..advice, ettiquette, and general bitching!

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Smiley0884, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. skatingfan5

    skatingfan5 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2002
    Messages:
    10,745
    Some people are just that way -- my sister hates to be the center of attention at any event. She even refused to walk down the aisle at her wedding (I think that was mainly nerves because she didn't think she'd make it to the altar without stumbling). But in general, she isn't keen on most social events -- especially if she is in any way singled out.

    You mean none of you have ever enjoyed endured a game of Bride Bingo? (I actually found one of these at a rummage sale and bought it for 50 cents because it was so retro and wacky.) :shuffle:
  2. Rogue

    Rogue Sexy Superhero

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2001
    Messages:
    932
    What we like to do for second babies is to throw a diaper shower. No gifts allowed except diapers of varying sizes to last the mom throughout the first year.
  3. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    :rofl: I would have bought that, too.
  4. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    We went to one where the couple stood on stage (yeah seriously, Alf and I are not standing up on no stages!) and the bride had to pass a raw egg up and down the groom's pant legs. Without cracking it, obviously. We took a look at the groom's mother during the exercise, and she was mortified. :rofl: They went around the tables collecting red envelopes, and some people made the bride pick the envelopes out of the groom's pants. Classy stuff. :lol:

    My mother was apparently guest to a wedding where the groom was blindfolded and had to find his bride by touching every female guest. Supposedly it's only supposed to be the face, but....yeah. :lol:

    We're so low key, we're not even going to have dancing. :lol: Just eat, chat, have cake, go home because the venue's kicking us out at 6pm!

    I HATE to be the center of attention too. I fully expect to trip on my dress down the aisle. I plan on laughing it off. Might as well be fun with it! I know I'd end up :rofl: if we were oh-so-serious during the whole thing anyway.
  5. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    Never heard of such outside of a drunk, private party. :eek: Certainly not a wedding reception.
  6. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,700
    In Denmark, it is a tradition at the wedding dinner that if you bang you silverware on the plates the bride & groom have to stand up and kiss.
    There is also one about taking off the grooms socks and cutting them into pieces (the guy who gets the biggest piece gets married next, like bouquet toss for girls).

    We just said on the dinner menu we would not appreciate that, and people obliged (my husband did not want to waste good socks...)

    There is also a tradition for when the bride or groom leaves for a restroom trip, all the young guys/girls rush up to kiss the bride/groom (on the cheek usually) while the new spouse is away. I think that is cute.

    Don't know if those are games, but definitely solid traditions.

    Btw to me a reception is an afternoon thing after a morning wedding, with snacks, which you may or may not have. The evening is the wedding dinner. Most people have both invite more to the reception, usually casual friends, business acquaintances - and you would expect a card or token gift only, unlike the dinner guests.
    Do people do this in the US?
  7. Spareoom

    Spareoom Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,736
    I've only been to one wedding where there was games and it was a lot of fun. First, instead of tinkling glasses to make the bride and groom kiss, the requesting guest had to get up in front of a mic and sing a song with the word "love" in it. Not a whole lot of people went for it, but the people who did were either cute or funny.

    And then there was a game where each table competed against each other in a sort of scavenger hunt, like, "ok, do you have a chapstick?" and someone from each table had to cough up a chapstick. Or a non-wedding state drivers license. Or a 20 dollar bill (which was returned at the end. ;) ). Stuff like that. The wedding table was fiercely competitive but eventually lost out on the drivers license one because nobody had their wallets on them!

    Anyway, the couple was pretty fun-loving and easy going, so it suited the atmosphere at the wedding perfectly. People were laughing and having fun, nobody got embarrassed unless they wanted to (i.e. singing) and it made the reception very enjoyable. I'd like to think I'd do something similar at my wedding. :)
  8. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    Worst wedding experience I had: Friend from work (years ago) got married. She was "born again" Mormon. Her boyfriend proposed the night he returned to his college dorm room to find his roommate had hung himself :scream:. They decided to get married in the Mormon Tabernacle in Washington DC. Invited lots of friends and family who had to travel and stay in a hotel. Never told any of us (who didn't know) that we could not go into the Tabernacle if we were not Mormon. So, we all travel from different places (us from NJ) stay in a hotel, the night before. We go to the Tabernacle and have to wait outside for an hour and a half, standing, and doing nothing. They come out and greet everyone, then we go to a Marriott for the "reception". The reception was sparkling cider, Hawaiian Punch, and this awful cinnamon flavored wedding cake. that was it. Then we had to drive 6 hours home.
  9. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    Wasn't there someone else here who had to wrangle everything for her friend's Mormon reception, AFTER she was not allowed into the ceremony? And then she never ever got a thank-you for doing all of it last-minute?

    That all convinces me not to attend any Mormon weddings. :eek:



    Also, my mom is fielding some :yikes: questions from the relatives now. Some are pissed they didn't get an invite, even if I've never met them, or only met them once. Or I haven't seen them in 15 years. :lol: Since the RSVP deadline has passed, I'm hoping that if I send them an invite, they're won't actually try to come. :shuffle:

    And then my snap-happy cousin asked her if he could borrow a tripod when he's there. Uhhh, we're paying good money for a professional photographer, who has a "if other "photographers" get in my way, I'm leaving" clause. He shouldn't even bring his DSLR at all, if he knows what's good for him! :mad: Getting pictures for immediate distribution to relatives only requires a smartphone!

    I know his mom will push him to take photos, because he had the job for his brother's wedding and she wanted him to take pictures of EVERYTHING. He didn't even get a chance to eat. They didn't have any professionals, only a bunch of friends with DSLRs shoot. His brother took about 300 photos, and only about 3 of them are remotely good. (Well, after some extreme Photoshopping.) So...yeah. :eek:

    I'm going to ask my mom if it's a good idea to email this aunt myself about this. :shuffle: This is actually very important to me. The photographer was the FIRST vendor we booked, even before the venue.
  10. CanadianAdult

    CanadianAdult New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5
    Worst wedding I went to, the police had to be called to break up a fight.
  11. skatingfan5

    skatingfan5 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2002
    Messages:
    10,745
    They could have at least offered a couple of rounds of Bride Bingo for the non-Mormon guests to pass the time. ;)
  12. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2007
    Messages:
    11,073
    I am not Mormon, but since they are getting a bit bashed, I will speak up for a Mormon wedding I attended.

    First- it was made VERY clear that if you didn't have a temple recommend, you couldn't enter the temple. Since the temple was 100 miles away, most guests didn't go out there anyway.

    Second- I was asked really nicely by my Mom-of-Bride friend if I could help with the food. I brought my own apron and joined all the other church ladies (Relief Society?) in preparing dinner for everyone, setting out tables in the gym, breaking it down when the party was over. I was greatly thanked, because my friend is a nice person!

    Third- I was told ahead of time to dress modestly, and that I should consider covering my shoulders, but if I didn't want to, that was okay too.

    Fourth- We had a blast swing dancing the night away.
  13. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2001
    Messages:
    17,447
    Agree this is important. I wonder if you can give this cousin a little job, so that he and your aunt get to do their thing without getting in the pro's way? Perhaps ask him to hold off until the reception and then take candids? Maybe you could put him "in charge" of getting candids of everyone in your family?

    Otherwise I would absolutely send a friendly note to cousin and his aunt saying how delighted you are that he's planning to take pictures, but warning him in advance that you've hired a pro whose contract is very specific about other photographers interfering in his set ups and angles. You could even say that you know he'd understand because he's been in the same position, and ask him to support you in keeping others at bay.

    One wedding I went to did a very cool thing to ensure that everyone got what they wanted. At the reception, they had set up a couple of benches/risers in a corner, and then they called up different groups - bride's family, groom's cousins, bride's high school pals, father of the groom's family, etc. It didn't get in the way, and the couple gave the appropriate group shot to guests as a thank you.
  14. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    I would definitely let your aunt and cousin know the situation. Explain to them that your photographer has a contract that he will leave if there is anyone else taking "professional" photos. That you will still be charged. And insist that they not bring a professional camera to the wedding, or you will ask them to leave it in the car. Actually, one thing you might consider - have him set up a corner and do a "photo booth" set up. that should not infringe on the professional photographer's territory. People like the photo booth thing at weddings. He'd need a printer with him to do that. And each guest who gets their photo taken can write a note on the photo and that can be your "sign-in book".

    Just to be clear, I was, in no way, Mormon bashing. This was not about the couple being Mormon. It was more about her being a bit over the top. The conversion from drugs, and sex, and rock & roll, and born again zealot mentality. The fact that she accepted a proposal the night her fiancee's roommate killed himself (and they only met a month before). When she came into work, the next day, and told me about that I was horrified! And the fact that she didn't tell us we were not allowed in the Tabernacle. I had no idea. If I'd known, I would not have gone. I would have been happy to take her and her new husband out for dinner, when they returned, and give them a gift. And there was no food at all, except for this awful cinnamon cake. The wedding was in the morning, there was hours of standing around during and after the ceremony. We didn't get out of the reception venue until around 5:00. That is a long time to not provide any food at all. This was the bride being totally oblivious and inconsiderate. Oh, and after she got married, all I heard was how much she detested kids (I was pregnant at the time). Then, a year or so later, all I heard was how desperately she wanted a baby and that she couldn't get pregnant. I have not seen her in many years, couldn't handle the crazy anymore. Don't know if she ever had kids.
  15. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2001
    Messages:
    17,447
    Anita, the other thing you might want to do is put a trusted family member in charge of keeping an eye on cousin. You don't want to be stressing about this on your wedding day, so delegate it to someone else to deal with him. You can even have that person introduce themselves to the photographer, let him know they're there to run block if there are any issues. I think the photographer would appreciate it, and you avoid any unpleasantness if he starts getting uppity with guests or wants to complain to you.
  16. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,700
    I just had prof. Photographer friend post Facebook meme saying: here, let me set up my shot angle an lightning so you can stand behind me with your crappier camera...

    I think it might be pretty common and annoying. I agree with Jenny, and you can also tell him that he should relax an enjoy the dinner, spin it as doing him a favor?

    If your aunt want free pics for a family album, maybe you can promise that every close family like parents an aunts/uncles can get to choose a prof shot an you will get that to them?
  17. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    :lol: Yeah I'm definitely going to spin it as doing him a favor. At his brother's wedding, I watched him about to take a bite and then his mom hit him on the shoulder and told him to take more pics. He was exasperated by the end of the night! This guy loves to eat, so it was quite frustrating when he "had" to be taking pics when it was eating time. :rofl: He doesn't fight to get super-weird angles, so as long as we let him know it's not his job to take pictures during the ceremony, I think it'll be okay. It's his mom I'm worried about. :shuffle:

    Luckily, the photographer is giving us rights to the photos if we pay for a DVD. So once we get that, I can share them with family and everybody can print to their heart's content! :lol: It's just that they usually take 3 months or so to get back with all the photos, and of course people want to see pictures now. :p
  18. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    No, usually just the bride and her mother. ;
  19. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    LOL, doesn't explain why so many people feel the need to put it on Facebook right away, when the bride and her mother likely won't see it until the next morning. ;)

    It did creep my friend out that one of our friends took a pic of her cake cutting and had it up on Facebook in 5 minutes. :shuffle:
  20. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    When my daughter got engaged, she called me and my husband, finacee's mom and dad, then her BF. It was on FB within 5 minutes (BF). She had over a hundred likes and comments before she got home! No harm done, but I think my daughter wanted to tell a few people herself :lol:.
  21. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    13,794
    I grew up on Emily Post & Miss Manners & according to them there is nothing wrong with inviting people to the wedding & not the reception. If you're a member of a church & the wedding is held at the church, then any member is allowed to attend the wedding unless you have an usher at the door with a list. And some churchs hold hundreds of people but you may not want (or can't afford) that many at the reception. But wedding invitations should not have directions to the reception if the person isn't invited. And they certainly shouldn't take your gift & then turn you away.

    Also, where I grew up people didn't bring gifts to the wedding/receptions so if you weren't invited to a shower you sent your gift to the mother of the bride's house or to the bride if she lived somewhere else. And family NEVER threw any kind of shower or gift grab & the happy couple NEVER even implied they would like money. (If family threw a shower then ONLY family were invited, otherwise it was considered tacky.) The bridesmaids were supposed to throw one shower, usually a lingerie shower, & usually friends of the parents would throw others.

    Re the plus one, when I was a single girl I expected to be able to bring a date to the reception unless it was a very small one held in someone's home. But of course if the invitation didn't say + 1 then I could either choose not to go or to go alone. Etiquette sure has changed a lot.
  22. Jenny

    Jenny From the Bloc

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2001
    Messages:
    17,447
    I remember invitations in the 80s, maybe 90s too, that had the phrase "no gifts please" in the corner, which was (supposed to be) polite for "give us money."
  23. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2002
    Messages:
    13,700
    You speak for me, as well Taf!
  24. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    I agree, as you said, as long as it's clear on the invite.

    When I got married, 31 years ago, we had a shower. Only people invited to the wedding were invited to the shower. It seemed like inviting those who were not invited to the wedding would make them feel bad. It is tradition, maybe it's an Italian thing, to bring a physical gift to the shower and give money for the wedding. People typically send physical gifts to the house, prior to the wedding, they bring an envelope to the wedding if they are giving money. It is customary to cover one's plate at the wedding. Of course that is not mandatory, and it can only be a guess on amount.

    That is true. However, weddings have become so expensive, that people have to limit + ones. If a wedding reception is $200 + per person, an extra 10 people is more than $2,000. My daughter and her fiancee have a lot of friends who they are inviting. probably 1/3 of them are not married/living together/or engaged. We set a limit of 150 people, it is already at 215 invites. If we added the extra + ones, it would be around 230. there will be a good mix of single guys and girls there. And no one will be there not knowing several other people.
  25. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2002
    Messages:
    18,917
    Weddings are evil.
  26. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    I just talked to my mom. She tried to book a room at the hotel we organized the block at, and was only quoted the most expensive room rate, which is $20/night more than the standard room discount we were given. :shuffle: She called her SIL and the same thing happened had with her.

    I'm debating whether to tell Alf this, because he gets his rage on over subpar customer service. His standard for customer service is also pretty damn high. (Why, I have no clue. I save my wrath for things like reading about CNN's coverage over Steubenville. :mad: :mad: :mad: ) And in all likelihood, the hotel will tell us that there were no standard rooms left, which is why they recently had to give everybody the executive rooms. We only told them the number to reserve, we didn't tell them how many at which rate. (Our contract listed 3 room rates.) Maybe this was a loophole they capitalized on. :p

    Well, I hope all my relatives will find kitchenettes in their rooms on our wedding weekend. :shuffle: At least all my less financially stable guests have relatives in the area that they're staying with for free. Everybody I'm aware of who booked that hotel were much more well-off and probably were none the wiser until my cheapo Asian mom got on the case. :lol:
  27. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    13,794
    Anita, I wouldn't tell Alf or give it a 2nd thought. Your responsibility was to reserve the rooms, period. The hotel's responsibility was to make available X number of rooms. Next time you may want to specify the number of rooms at each rate but since you didn't do that, the hotel did nothing wrong. And nothing is keeping your guests from going elsewhere if they don't like the hotel or the rates. But you have enough to think about, this isn't something you need to worry about.

    The last out-of-town wedding I went to the bride had reserved 30 rooms but those 30 were already booked when I called. The hotel told me they had more rooms but I couldn't get the discounted rate. That didn't make sense to me - they got more business than anticipated but they chose to alienate the extra guests? Dumb. We stayed elsewhere.
  28. mkats

    mkats New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Messages:
    2,804
    I'm late to the thread, but Anita, you look so beautiful in your wedding dress!!! Congratulations to you and Alf!! :)
  29. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    We booked a block at a hotel near the venue, for my daughter's wedding. We booked a special rate which includes breakfast. They would only block 30 rooms, initially. However, we have stayed in contact and as we reach the limit, the hotel increases the block. We are fortunate, in that they have a sister hotel a half mile away. So, if we run out of rooms, they have agreed to put the overflow in that hotel for the same rate. What is nice is that they will shuttle everyone to the venue and back from the venue from both hotels. Also, since everyone will be going back to the primary hotel after the wedding (live music until 1:00am, bar open until 2:00am), they will shuttle guests at the sister hotel back to their hotel from the primary one at 2:00am. We did go with a smallish locally owned hotel, not a big corporate one.

    Oh, and I agree with taf2002, don't mention it to Alf. If you know it will only upset him, why tell him? Let him be blissfully oblivious :lol:.
  30. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2001
    Messages:
    11,046
    I think that's actually how hotel blocks are supposed to work. :eek:

    Yeah we honestly didn't know how many people would stay at the hotel. It's in the San Francisco Bay Area, and everybody either lived within 2 hours driving or had relatives there. We only got a block of 10 rooms, with the expectation that they wouldn't be filled. We only went with this hotel because they wouldn't penalize us for not filling the block. They're not taking off the discount if we don't reach that number. So I guess it ain't all bad, and you can't get everything you want. :p

    It's not a super-fancy hotel, so I actually expected that our more well-off guests would stay elsewhere, but it turns out that all my coworkers (whom I was most concerned about) are staying with relatives and our aforementioned well-off guests seem to have taken over the hotel. :lol: Even Alf's parents, who live 40 minutes away, are staying there! My mom would do that, except no hotel in the area takes dogs and Alf would rather be dead than be with his worrywart mother the morning of his wedding, so we have to drive up an hour the morning of. :lol:

    I'm glad people are coming to a consensus! :lol: It wouldn't have concerned me that much either, except my mother seemed to be upset. And when it's your mom, you want to make it right! She did tell me later not to worry about it and certainly not to tell Alf! :rofl:

    Thank you! :)
  31. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2002
    Messages:
    13,700
    crusin, the shuttle planned for my niece's wedding didn't work as well as we hoped.
    Confirm, and re-confirm, everything!
  32. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    13,794
    Oh no, shuttle problems!! :drama:
  33. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    We live about 40 minutes from the venue. We are staying at the hotel. Simply because we don't want to drive home afterwards, and most of our friends and family will be there.

    I've had an in depth shuttle conversation with the hotel event planner. she assures me that if they cannot handle all of our guests in two runs with their shuttles, they will bring in more (at no cost to us). She also said that if they feel getting a bus would be best, they will do that. We will go over that the week before the wedding once all of the rooms have been confirmed. This is the hotel, it's small, as I said: http://www.thesomersethillshotel.com They have worked with Fiddler's Elbow before and they do not want to lose their accommodations recommendation. this is the venue: http://www.fiddlerselbowcc.com the service will be there as well. I posted that, because not everyone knows how beautiful parts of NJ are :).
  34. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    13,794
    Fiddler's Elbow is gorgeous!
  35. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2002
    Messages:
    13,700
    Absolutely, it looks like the perfect venue for your celebration, crusin!
  36. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    ^^ X 2 Thanks, it is beautiful. And the staff is treats us like family.
  37. DAngel

    DAngel Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2002
    Messages:
    672
    What do people usually get for weddings gifts? In my culture, you are pretty much expected to give money.
  38. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2007
    Messages:
    11,073
    In my experience (middle class white american, weddings in Texas, New England/East Coast, Mid-west), relatives usually give checks or buy off a registry. Friends tend to buy something off a registry. I don't know too many people who would give money to a friend.

    It is "frowned upon" to give a gift selected by the giver that isn't on the registry- as that usually results in getting random stuff you don't want or duplicates of things you already have. I would say the exception being if you know the person really well or have a spectacular talent that makes a good gift. A friend who is a wildlife photographer usually gives a framed photograph, and those are generally well received. (By frowned upon, I mean, most people graciously accept the gift, but these tend to be the things that become "OMG you would not believe this punch bowl my Aunt Mary gave me!")


    Funny story- we did actually get one of those 'what the heck is this' presents when someone gave us a blown glass vase. It is a horrible color, but it was clearly expensive. Well, 8 years later, we actually still have it out and it has kind of grown on me. Some of the other stuff we got that we registered for to make our home together we no longer have.
  39. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2005
    Messages:
    17,371
    It is tradition in my culture to give a gift at the shower and money for the wedding (even friends).
  40. maatTheViking

    maatTheViking Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,700
    Usually household items. We choose a china design from Royal Copenhagen and asked for plates and cups, this is quite usual. Usually this stuff is too expensive for young people, but then you have your 'nice china'. We use ours every day. We also had wine glasses and those kind of things on the list.

    Of stuff we didn't have on the registry was some towels, and a multi tiered china snack bowl thingy that my friends got on their trip to Taiwan. We still have it, never use it...

    My poor cousin got a painting of a fishing boat in stormy waters at his first wedding. Neither he nor his ex wife had any relations to the sea or fishing... it was one of those very odd things, looking like a hotel room painting... Not quite sure what they did with it!