Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Louis, Mar 26, 2011.
Wow. Totally unnecessary. Glad you have nothing more to say -- goodness knows what it would be.
Louis, you are the only one who knows how your friends would interpret such a huge gift. I know if it was me, I would feel awkward, as it would point out the large power/financial gap between me and you. I would also worry about how the heck I would reciprocate when I got a wedding invitation from you. I would be ashamed to give a gift that I could afford. I think that even a $500.00 gift would be astoundingly generous.
I still struggle at Christmas and birthday time when my best friend and her family go all out on me, spending several hundred dollars every time. I have finally accepted that they do this because I am buying for five of them and they are buing for 1 of me. We are probably spending fairly close to the same .
even if you get tons of money at a reception it's not like you can book a "better" honeymoon the next day. But then again I left the day after my wedding for the honeymoon, I couldn't even cash the checks - my dad took them home for me.
The last few weddings I've been to the couple hasn't gone on their honeymoon until months after. Granted I live somewhere that's miserable in the winter, so people usually have nice summer weddings and then wait until winter to get away.
I gave cash to each one of those couples as well, between $50 - $200 depending on the people. I think what you're suggesting is a wonderful gesture.
Whatever you give, it is a real kindness to send the gift in advance of the wedding. You'd be saddened by the number of gift cards that get separated from the associated gifts, and dealing with the gifts at the reception is generally a hassle. And, if the bride and groom aren't going to be living where the wedding is taking place, that adds one more complexity that they don't really need.
I hope you can celebrate with your friends before too long.
There is absolutely nothing in Louis' post that mentions a destination or an expensive wedding. For all you know they might be having it in their back yard.
And even if they weren't... you're in no position to label it a bad choice.
Please point out the phrase in this post where it says they're having a) a destination wedding and b) spending money on a lavish wedding.
I also think that you are being judgemental. Just because that was your idea of the perfect wedding, doesn't mean that it is everyone else's. My niece and nephew in law had a destination wedding on a cruise. They did not expect anyone to go on the cruise with them. I did, because at the time my finances allowed me to do that. Another niece and nephew in law got married in Las Vegas with a themed wedding. I attended that too, as my finances allowed it. My son and soon to be daughter in law will have a destination wedding. They do not expect people to attend (other than family). It has been her dream wedding since she was little. My older son and his wife had a wedding with a judge presiding over the event. And my youngest son had a wedding that could be described as shot gun in the backyard of a friend.
Weddings are for the couple. Guests are invited to share, but shouldn't be the focus.
Nowhere do I see that Louis indicated that this was a destination wedding (which to me implies that the couple would in fact have a honeymoon). From what I read, the couple either a) live some distance away or b) are returning to their home town to be married around family. I feel that Louis is asking if the gift is too much or should be a thing rather than money.
Louis you know your friends best, but they might be embarassed by such a large gift, knowing that there would be no way that they could reciprocate when you and Sweets get married.
Both the bride and groom are in societally important but not especially well-paying jobs. They can barely afford the wedding and don't have enough money to go on a honeymoon..
um that part...
Louis, I'd give the cash, but think a bit about whether it would stand out. If the family and friends include people who are well off, and yours isn't likely to be the only large check, go for it.
Not if you are Catholic. That's why my husband's parrish would not marry us even though he was at Alter boy there for his k-12 life. They would not marry us in his boyhood church because we lived outside of a 100 mile radius, even though his family sent and paid for 6 kids to go to parochial school. They told us that we would have to invite everyone who is Catholic within a 100 mile radius to celebrate as a community. So I gave in again and got married at St. Paul's Monestary which was basically a wedding factory (very nice) to give in to my Catholic side of the family. Yeah, I could of got married on the side of Mt. Kilminjaro backpacking or something but I chose to think of my family and not my own wants which again must be old-fashioned to not put yourself first...
and why would it be "better" to have a smaller wedding an go on a honeymoon instead??
Following your logic, they're actually putting their guests first by investing in the wedding rather than the holiday...
Anyway, it could well be that it's a small wedding and even that is stretching their finances. Nowadays, everything is expensive, even (very sadly) hiring a church /officiant.
^ but the guest can't afford to get to the destination and even if they can there are NO hotel room available to stay at
Has it not crossed your mind that Louis may have friends who, gasp, live in a different city? Surely it's not the couple's fault if all of their friends don't live in the same place?
Everyone I've ever talked to about their wedding wishes they got more cash gifts. Presents are more for showers. Weddings are expensive, and money is always appreciated. I am part Italian and Italians almost always give lots of cash. I think it is more tacky to get a picture frame (which I got as a wedding gift, and also was dropped in taking to the car and destroyed). Most couples have to take out loans to have a small but nice wedding and would appreciate cash to pay off the loan.
But I must say $1,000 is awfully generous!! If you can afford it and don't mind and are very close with this couple, then go for it. I'd think they'd be happy with even just $100 if you couldn't make it. Just sayin'.
Not everyone's finances allows destination weddings. Hence weddings for the masses locally, honeymoon destinations for the couple who can afford it...
Admin Edit: Please learn how to use the quote feature. You didn't even specify what was the quote and what was your reply to it, let alone attributed the quote to the person who wrote it.
That is absurd! I have never heard of a parish that did such a thing. I suppose that our service was technically open, and any member of the parish could have come in, but our reception was entirely seperate so we did not have to host them. (We invited the priest, but he declined, since it was New Years Eve, he said people often felt uncomfortable "partying" when the priest was present.)
I've been to many many Catholic weddings, as most of my family is Catholic, and I've never heard of a church that required everyone in the area to be invited. My sister also used a "pretty" church to get married at where no one in the family was a member of. They just required a note from our parish that she was a member there, and requested a donation be made to the church (no different from a rental fee.)
As for the original question of the wedding being about the couple- my mother told me, the ceremony is about the couple, the reception is for the guests.
And to "destination" wedding- I guess ours was for us, as we got married in our hometown, but neither of us lived there anymore (Austin TX, I lived in Houston, he in Ohio). Much of my family had to fly in too- as not everyone is from Texas. But it wasn't destination in the sense of going to the Carribean. But the idea of a local wedding seems very quaint to me- I don't know anyone whose family and friends all live in the same city- it's always a destination for someone.
Really? You know enough people who have done this that you said "most"? I've never heard of such a thing. I didn't realize a bank would even loan for this sort of thing. Learn something new everyday...so glad I didn't have to do that!
(Also, the best wedding gift I got was a week at a timeshare. We got to pick any destination we wanted, and did so ahead of time so we went just after the wedding. Originally we got a Hawaii timeshare, but the flights were too expensive, so we switched to a lovely ski vacation in Durango, Colorado. My Aunt gives her timeshare as a gift for most every wedding.)
I don't interpret that in the same way. If the jobs are not-well paying they may be using all their income on regular living expenses and having a very simple wedding could be hard to afford.
Louis - the gift is a nice idea. I have friends who would love a thoughtful gift like that and others who would feel obligated to return a gift of equal value.
^ Saint Francis Cabrini of Allen Park Michigan refused to marry us even though the new Father/Priest was younger than my husband at the time! I refused to beg (evangelical Christian/ not tied to Catholicism) said adios and found the Monastery to be a wonderful place that still placated my Catholic in-laws. We now attend a Bible church btw...and my DD attends private Christian school thanks to that experience.
Credit card, loan, whatever you want to call it. I paid for my own wedding because I lived at home and was able to save a lot of money for my big day. I had 200 guests, a live band, sit down dinner, and people still say it was the best wedding they had ever been to.
So glad that you were able to learn something new today.
Exactly. Even a bargain-basement wedding can easily be $5,000.
Louis didn't say he couldn't afford it, nor did he mention any other person having difficulty getting there or finding a hotel. Perhaps Louis is one of the only out-of-town guests?
Who said anything about a destination wedding?
I feel dumb- I don't use my credit cards that way, so it didn't occur to me to think of them as a loan. You're right- many people do put weddings on credit cards and aren't able to pay them off right away.
It is always expensive for guests to go to weddings. I had to miss my college roommates and a best friend from high school's weddings because the plane tickets were about $400 plus a few nights in a hotel, and time off work. I've gone to as many as I can, but it's not always easy. None of these are destination weddings, in the true sense of the word- it's just that no one lives in the same place anymore.
I assume that you deleted the
No I had the wedding of my dreams in spite of the priests and other factors like my mother-in-law to be suggesting that her version of the rehersal dinner would include cold cuts in her basement complete with views of stuffed killed things on the wall that gramps had killed over the last 30 years...
When my sister got married, her fiance asked his best friend to be best man. The friend couldn't attend the wedding as he was out of the country for work, but as a wedding gift he gave them the equivalent of what he would have spent on airfare to attend. At the time my sister and her fiance were still students and the money was very much appreciated, though certainly not expected. They were overwhelmed by his generosity, but knew he could afford the gesture and were touched that he had done this. Of course, while not "family" they had been best friends for years. You are the only one who can judge whether or not a large gift of money would be appropriate in your situation.
Louis, you're in the best spot to evaluate how the gift might be received. Weddings run a wide spectrum, and at some while a $1,000 would definitely be a generous gift, it might not be out of the range of what other people might give.
At some weddings, a gift of that size could well exceed what everyone else would give by many mulitples. Even if that were the case, some people might feel uncomfortable and wonder how they could ever reciprocate, while others would appreciate the generous spirit with which it is given and just enjoy the money.
I think the background story (I had planned to attend and this is what I allocated for the wedding, and since I can't come now, I just want you to use this for something special) would help a recipient understand and appreciate the spirit behind the gift and help them receive it with an open heart. If you're not sure how they'd react, I think you're definitely safe giving $500.
I say give what you can afford. If they are dear to you and you want to help them out, that's fine. Gifts are to show someone your appreciation towards them and to give them something USEFUL. Giving a monetary gift would be just that.
Louis, if I ever get married, I am inviting you, and I would accept any check you decide and be grateful for it. If this is what you want to do for them, you should do it. If they cannot accept your generous gift graciously, it says a lot more about them than it does about you.
The problem with these threads is weddings are so specific to culture, to family, to religion, to budget that it's almost impossible to get advice that's relevant to the OP. They also seem to devolve, rather quickly, into MY wedding is better than YOUR wedding, and posters that are perfectly reasonable in other threads forget that just because someone else doesn't make the same choice as you did, it's not an equally valid choice. The projection and judgment of people's own weddings who are different religions, live in a different place and time, want different things in their wedding, and have different cultural norms is just
(If I ever get married, I've already decided it's going to be about pleasing my husband and myself. The minute you try to please family, friends, coworkers, officiant, etc., you end up pleasing NO ONE. I have learned much from these threads. I will also accept any gift anyone chooses to give me without acting prissy.)
You should have tried St. Constance Church in Taylor, Mi. Only a few miles away. Both my sons were baptized there even though I went to a different parish. The priest told me that he was happy that we were getting our kids baptized. That was what was important. Not if you were a member of the parish or not. I don't know if they are still this way. My youngest was baptized 15 years ago.
Cabrini is a pretty church--my mother went there when she was young-but there are quite a few nice looking Catholic churches in the downriver area that are much more liberal in their beliefs.