Should I go to the hospital?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Gazpacho, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. iloveemoticons

    iloveemoticons Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. Keep at it, sometimes doctors are slow to get back to ppl. And making an urgent appointment to see a family doctor is another option too.
     
  2. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if this is the case with your doctor. But, many psychiatrists and psychologists don't have a staff. No receptionist, therefore, no one to answer phones. If your doctor is not getting back to you, with the level of distress that you are in, there is a problem. I suggest that you call your primary doctor. Get a physical. go over all of your meds. Consider a new psych doctor. I know that is exhausting. Starting over with a new psych doctor is overwhelming. But, you deserve an immediate call back.
     
  3. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Agree with all of this. We care about you so much Gazpacho.

    I know it must be so hard. But keep going. One step at a time. Call the helpline, call your primary doctor. You shouldn't be alone like this.
     
  4. skateboy

    skateboy Well-Known Member

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    Love you, Gazpacho. :D
     
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  5. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar Well-Known Member

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    Echoing what crusin and others have said, I really hope you're able to see your Primary Care Doctor very soon. What's going on right now could be a drug interaction that's amplifying your Depression or a bad reaction to one of the new drugs period. I also really hope you are not alone right now and can talk to someone.

    Keeping you in my Prayers every night. ((((HUGS))))
     
  6. immoimeme

    immoimeme my posts r modded

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    That happened last wk to my roomie. She called and called and no response. She was sinking back down again. I said try once more maybe they all have the flu or something and voila they called her right back-everyone was at a convention and why on earth they didn't put that pertinent piece info on their answering machine is beyond me :p

    ie quite often it's not you, it's *them*
    Give it another go
     
  7. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    He has a nurse who handles his phone calls and scheduling.

    Getting a new psychiatrist is not an option, as I've explained on another thread. The only ones within an hour of here taking new patients are the ones that get awful reviews. There are psychiatrists in the city about 70 miles from here, and I used to go to one whom I liked. But I could not stand his staff, and because of the distance, I found it impossible to make regular appointments.

    My family doctor, as expected, told me to talk with the psychiatrist.
     
  8. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    (((Gazpacho))) tell your family doctor that your psychiatrist is not responding. Tell him this is an emergency and that you feel you should have a physical exam. You, absolutely, should have blood work done.
    Get your blood sugar checked. Blood sugar can cause extreme emotional ups and downs. It can cause depression, it can cause unexplained rage. There may be physical reasons for some of what you are feeling. Don't take no for an answer. Don't let a doctor push you off on another one. Remember, your PC doc is the Gatekeeper and should be on top of everything. As always - XOXOXOXOX I wish there was more we could do for you.
     
  9. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Called the psychiatrist again, spoke in person to the nurse who said she would tell the psychiatrist and call me back.

    I don't feel like waiting.

    Edit: I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're worried about. I don't have things in order yet.

    If that brings you a sigh of relief, please reconsider that relief because, really, dying isn't the worst thing that can happen. Nothing can be worse than what living can be like.
     
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  10. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    But dying takes away your choices. And no matter how tempting that might sound to you at this moment in your life, that's not a good thing. You can't change your mind or come back from that decision, like you can from so many others. There's no reversing it.

    There's a reason for the old saying "Where there's life, there's hope." There IS hope for you, Gazpacho. Please believe that. All of us here believe it.

    It might not be a bad idea to talk with a spiritual advisor as well, if you have someone you trust, or if you find a trustworthy recommendation. But in the meantime, please do keep trying everything you can to get hold of the doctor and the psychiatrist to help you take care of the physical and mental aspects. Your life is worth it.
     
  11. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    That's the line of thought that brought me to this miserable state. The closest I ever got to suicide, I pulled back a little at the last second. That's the biggest mistake of my life. Things were in order, I was ready to go. But then I thought, I'm still young. What if it gets better? I cry thinking about that because if only things were slightly different, I would be gone, and that would have spared me all the suffering I've gone through since.

    I can honestly say that even if it gets better, it will have to be "better" for decades before I think things have been worth it. And statistically speaking, that simply won't happen. Statistically speaking, I have a well over 95% chance of having multiple suicidal episodes. The brain is a complicated mechanism. There are no cure--treatments perhaps but no cures--on the horizon for psychiatric illnesses of my magnitude.

    I wish the last 20+ years of my life hadn't happened. Even on a really happy day, like the day I graduated college, I distinctly remember telling someone that yes, this was a happy day. Yes, I had accomplished something. But no, it was not worth living for.
     
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  12. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    You're absolutely right that the brain is a complicated mechanism, and you have to keep in mind that the state your brain is currently in is coloring your view of life and the world. If you can keep pushing until you get help, things may well start looking very different to you -- and it probably won't take decades, either.

    That's what we all want for you. That's what we hope and pray that you will start wanting for yourself. Please, keep hanging on. We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes.
     
  13. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely.


    Gazpacho, choosing to die is taking choice away from a very important person - your future self. You're making choices for your future self when you're no state to do so.

    I'm mother hen to a couple young guys who sabotage themselves in relationships. "She won't ever want to be with me, I'll be alone forever, why should I even try?" I tell them, that's putting thoughts into another person's head. I tell them, let her choose. Don't be unfair to another person. Give them the choice.

    You have to give your future self the chance to have a better life. Will it guaranteed to be better? None of us knows, but neither do you. Even when you've been through the same thing in the past, the future is not guaranteed to repeat itself. You have to give yourself the chance to find out what that might be.

    ((HUGS))
     
  14. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    THIS. [[hugs]]
     
  15. iloveemoticons

    iloveemoticons Well-Known Member

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    If you don't want to wait, then you could make an urgent appointment with another family doctor (not your own). If that isn't possible, you could maybe try a walk in clinic/urgent care?

    Everyone has said it so well. I believe that God created each of us and put each of us in this world for a purpose. You are here because there is a great purpose for you to be here. Choosing to die would tremendously hurt the people around you and society at large, because you would be taking away your talents and gifts from others. Even in this small part of your life that is this message board, we enjoy reading your posts and your friendship so much. We need you, the people in your life need you, and society needs you.
     
  16. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, it is reassuring that you said you are not going to kill yourself. However, the word yet terrifies me. It seems that it is only the fact that your affairs are not in order, that is stopping you. I have read every post in this thread. I am blown away by how much everyone cares about you. They (and I) care, because you are special. You are bright and talented. You have so much to offer. I love what Anita said about your future self. Please don't deny your future self a life. I know that I (we) have been harping on this, but please see a doctor. Even if you have to go to an ER. You are not just casually imagining suicide. You seem truly ready to die. There are breakthroughs in medicine every day. A new drug or treatment could be on the horizon. If you end your life, you will never know if you could have lived without suffering. My mother's sister killed herself. She was OCD and had some other problems. This was in the early 70s. She couldn't take the feeling of being out of control anymore. They didn't understand OCD back then and didn't have meds to treat it. And she refused to see a psychiatrist. Now, OCD is treated fairly successfully. Had she not take her life… It devastated our family, her friends.

    As Wyliefan said, so eloquently, We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes. Please let us XOXOXO
     
  17. ballettmaus

    ballettmaus Well-Known Member

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    A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Her mother had MS and she killed herself only a year or two before the first, successful medications were available. She wasn't in an advanced stage yet, she just would have had to hold out a little longer. My friend, her daughter, has MS, too, and she's living a normal life. She's recently had a baby boy, her absolute joy and pride. She's told me how there are trials now that might make the MS medication available to take orally, as pills, so that would mean she wouldn't have to have infusions anymore.
    And remember, there even is a vaccine against a form of AIDS now. It seemed impossible but people do the impossible every single day. Walt Disney said, it's fun to do the impossible. I guess, these people are not only taking his word for it, they try it themselves and I'm sure they're having fun or they wouldn't be so dedicated. And there really seems to be nothing that is impossible! Just remember that. There's always light at the horizon and there's a sunrise every minute of the day somewhere in the world! Hope doesn't die, it's inside you, too, and it will eventually silence those doubts! You'll make it through this!
     
  18. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    [delete]
     
  19. sk8pics

    sk8pics Well-Known Member

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    {{{Gazpacho}}} I am sorry you have suffered so much. I cannot imagine the depths of pain which you have felt. Or the helplessness. I can only say that I will be here to listen. {{{Gazpacho}}}
     
  20. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, I hope you won't mind if I post a link here. I was reading this story in the paper tonight and I suddenly thought of you. It was the story of a musician who survived a prison camp in WWII, and one of the things she said much later was "Life is wonderful and worthwhile, even when it is difficult."

    (I especially loved that she was inspired by Beethoven; he's my favorite composer too, though I don't consider him a "religion"! :) )

    You're fighting your own battle now. I know it's a hard and horrible one. My prayer for you is that you will be given strength and courage to hold on until you reach the place where you, too, can say that life is wonderful and worthwhile. God bless and keep you.
     
  21. judiz

    judiz Well-Known Member

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    I know I am late to this conversation. My husband has been battling mental illness over half his life although he has never been suicidal. I understand fully how helpless you felt waiting for the psychiatrist to call you back and for your physician to just blow you off. Sometimes it helps my husband to write out all his fears and misperceptions, it kind of calms him down either till the additional dose takes effect or the doctor returns the call
     
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  22. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    You spoke for me.
     
  23. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    Good morning Gazpacho. I am hoping that you are feeling a bit better today. I, sincerely, hope that you feel all of the love and care that all of us are sending to you. I wish that you could see yourself through our eyes. We see a very special, lovable, smart, articulate, important person. A person who is needed. I am certain that you have caught glimpses of that wonderful person, when you are feeling better. Try to focus on that. don't define yourself by your illness, define yourself by the wonderful person you really are.

    It has been a month, since you started this thread. It really bothers me that your doctors still have not seen you. That is so irresponsible and unprofessional! A phone call is not enough, they need to see you. And I really do think you should demand blood work.

    (((Gazpacho))) XOXOXO
     
  24. altai_rose

    altai_rose Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. The brain is very complicated, but we're working every day to find the mechanisms about how the brain works, how things can go wrong, and how we can help put the neural circuits back together.

    I see young patients--a 28 year old, a 15 year old--who have incurable neurological diseases that will leave them paralyzed in the next 5 years and on a ventilator and/or dead in 10 years. Yet they are working hard every day to stay alive--eating right, exercising properly, doing physical therapy, etc. Why am I telling you this, Gazpacho? Because when I feel like giving up, when I'm in tears thinking that my life is worthless, I think back to them and how hard they're working just to stay alive. And then I know that I have no right to give up.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  25. orientalplane

    orientalplane Mad for mangelwurzels

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    Look, telling a deeply depressed person that there are people worse off than they are is not going to help them at all. If anything, you're making them feel guilty for their depression on top of everything else. And yes, I do know what I'm talking about. It sounds as though you don't.

    I don't doubt your good intentions.

    Best wishes to Gazpacho.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  26. altai_rose

    altai_rose Well-Known Member

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    If I understand what you mean by "I do know what I'm talking about", then I think you'll also understand that different things work for different people with depression.
     
  27. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    You cannot redeem the past. What's happened has happened, and nothing can change that. But that's not the point. One cannot make the past better by today's circumstances. Rather, one takes each day as it comes and tries to live it in as good a way as possible.

    If someone loses a child, that doesn't somehow become ok because another baby is born later. Past traumas don't become something other than what they are just because of the passage of time. The sting may lessen, but they will still remain life tragedies. The point, though, is what has happened in the past doesn't have to define our future. But to do that, we cannot live in the past, waiting for something good to happen to make everything bad that's happened somehow no longer bad. Instead, we have to let go of yesterday, and grab hold of today. And that's a choice each person has to make everyday.

    JMHO, but living a good life isn't so much a matter of personal happiness, but in being a blessing to others. One of the struggles we all face is not getting so wrapped up in our own struggles that we can no longer see the pain and needs of others. The more we come into ourselves, the more constrained we become, and the bigger our problems look in our lives. It's in coming out of ourselves that healing is able to happen.
     
  28. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I understand your point. And, in most cases, would agree. However, with mental illness, choice is not always a factor. Some people are so debilitated by mental illness that they are either incapable of making an active choice, or they so distrust their ability to choose that they passively do nothing (which I recognize is a choice). In many cases, the brain occludes our ability to think rationally. It takes treatment, pharmaceutical and therapy, to get to a place where choices are viable. If you cannot breathe, and cannot get out of bed, and are depressed to the point Gazpacho is, you cannot think of others, you can barely think to eat.

    Orientalplane, I don't believe altai_rose was trying to make Gazpacho feel guilty. She was explaining how she has learned to cope with debilitating feelings. I believe that she was trying to give Gazpacho an option that might help her. As I said, up thread, my aunt killed herself. I did not mention this, but my mother attempted suicide. My father, thankfully, found her in time. It was devastating. If you have not gone through it, it is very hard to fathom how it feels that a parent would want to leave you like that. And I realize that they are not thinking about you or clearly, when they do it. But, it haunts you. I have also dealt with feelings of wanting to die, myself, from being OCD and depression. But, when I do, I remember how I felt when my aunt died and my mother attempted suicide. That is the proverbial cold water in my face. It is what reminds me that an act of suicide, if successful, is permanent. You cannot have a do over. You can't come back if a game changing treatment is discovered. This is not about guilt. It is about understanding all of the consequences of suicide. Another thing to consider is failed suicide. Though my mother was saved, she was humiliated. Humiliation, is a minor consequence. Some people who attempt suicide, then deal with permanent, physical damage. Then they have the original mental anguish along with physical pain. And, we spent the rest of her life terrified to upset her. All anyone here wants to do is give Gazpacho a reason to fight. Get her to a doctor. Encourage her to believe that she is wonderful, important, worth fighting for. You never know what might trigger that. Maybe just saying you care, or maybe laying out the truth of what happens. We will fight for her as long as she lets us, and in any way that works.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  29. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Vera

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    (((Gazpacho))) I am sorry to read that you are still suffering. Please try to not evaluate things or events so much. Try to live in the present moment, as much as you can, even if it feels hopeless. The past is gone. You cannot do anything about it, but you can do something about the future by living in the present. Suicide will take away that option from you. The present may appear dark right now, but you could have bright days ahead. Don't give up. You are in my thoughts.
     
  30. susan6

    susan6 Well-Known Member

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    This is the crux of the problem with mental illness. The brain--the very thing that you generally rely on to make sense of things--is broken. Gazpacho, you're aware of this in an abstract way, but think of it more literally. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't trust it to be able to carry you across the room without assistance. You have a broken brain. Those dark thoughts, the feeling of hopelessness, those are coming from your brain. You can't trust them to be the truth. You are going to need help with this; I sincerely hope that you have a support system. You certainly have many people online rooting for you. There are a wide variety of medications and treatments available and even more that are being discovered. It might take a while to discover which one (or combination) will work for you.