Should I go to the hospital?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Gazpacho, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for all your support. I wish I could thank each of you individually, but they won't allow me to give that many reps. If you've sent me a PM, thank you so much, and sorry I haven't replied.

    Today wasn't any better. I spent almost the whole day in bed again. Was supposed to have a physical therapy session this morning but couldn't make it out of the home to get to the physical therapy center. When I put on my shoes to go outside, I started panicking and sobbing hysterically. When I'm depressed, being in open spaces is near unbearable.

    I tried to do a little work on an article I'm writing and called one of the interviewees. I contacted him last week, and he couldn't talk then and said to try back. So today I called him again, and he was SO RUDE. Didn't even get past the first question. It's not like it was an offensive question. The question was, "Does your company use any unpaid interns?" He knew the topic of the interview based on our previous conversation, so it should have come as no surprise. He started answering and then was like, "You know, I don't want to do this interview" and hung up without saying anything more. WTF? Even though I rationally know that he's the asshole and not me, when you're this depressed, something like this can hurt terribly, and no amount of rational thinking can change that.

    For the past month, I've been meaning to work on my job search, but it hasn't happened. There's a position that looks like it would be good for me, and the application is due at midnight. It's an extensive application with essays, and I haven't even started because I've been so depressed, especially after that phone call.

    I called the number barbk posted and spoke with a nice lady. It was a pleasant surprise given some of my past experiences with suicide hotlines. She ended the call after about 15 minutes because she needed to take the next caller. At first she suggested going to the hospital, but then she said maybe not, based on what I'm looking to get from the hospital. She said I might not be able to see a psychiatrist for an extended evaluation until Monday because of the weekend. They have a weekend psychiatrist on call, but it's only for the dire cases.

    And like Anita18 said, most hospitals will spit you out in a few days. So I would have to wait until Monday to see someone, accumulating expenses in the meantime, and then get released from the hospital whether I want to stay or not.

    But what cemented the decision to avoid the hospital was finding out that I may have to undergo a strip search and a body orifice search. I don't care if they use an airport type scanner on me, but no one is sticking their fingers inside my vagina and/or anus. That happened to me the first time I was hospitalized, and it was used as an excuse to sexually assault me. (Does a teenage patient really need to have their vagina checked by 3 or 4 males who laughed throughout it?) It didn't happen the other times, so I thought there had been a law passed that it wouldn't happen anymore. But actually, it's still legal, and some hospitals do it. I don't know what the local hospital's procedures are. Just the possibility alone is enough for me to avoid psychiatric hospitals forever unless I know their policy in advance.

    I don't want to go on like this any longer :(
     
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  2. rjblue

    rjblue Re-registered User

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    When people are this depressed, brain scans show that the part of the brain that translates impulse to action is almost non-functional. You aren't able to do much because you physically can't. Don't beat yourself up over the things that you should be doing, but can't. Let yourself sleep and cry this weekend. Keep your goals/tasks really simple- like eating, stretching, etc. This is only "nearly" intolerable, and it will get better at some point.

    I have a good friend who is bipolar, and he told me that many people with his diagnosis have a horrible teens and twenties, but as they gain more experience with their condition, they can manage their medication and find what works for them. It is such a trial and error process, and the disease causes such fluctuations that it can be a long road to stability.

    eta- And get to the doctor on Monday!
    eta again (I'm sure you've heard all that stuff many times before, but I couldn't leave your last sentence unanswered)
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2014
  3. ballettmaus

    ballettmaus Well-Known Member

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  4. immoimeme

    immoimeme my posts r modded

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    I'm glad you checked in with us and let us know what's happening. I was worried. The hospital experience you had horrifies me. I'm very sorry that happened.
     
  5. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    I can honestly say that there is no communication I've been happier to see today than your update tonight. I'm glad the help line was a more positive experience -- keep the number handy -- call them again anytime you think you need to. Are you scheduled to see a psychiatrist on Monday?

    The orifice search sounds traumatizing, and the behavior of the staff beyond unprofessional. I can understand wanting to avoid that again.

    Weekends are tough. If you'd like to talk, pm me and I'd be happy to call you. (Not sure what part of the country you're in; I'm in Colorado -- but up for several more hours.)

    Hugs.
     
  6. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Vera

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    Gazpacho, I hope you feel better. Please take the good advice and contacts other posters have given you. I have no expertise or knowledge in this area. I just send you my good wishes.
     
  7. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    For those who asked, I'm not scheduled to see the psychiatrist on Monday. If I went to the hospital now, I probably wouldn't get a proper psychiatric evaluation until Monday because of the weekend because I'm not an acute case. In order to see the doctor on Monday, I would have to go to the hospital on Sunday night or Monday morning and then be admitted. My psychiatrist doesn't get back until the end of next week. I think his office assistant is still working, so perhaps I'll call her on Monday and give her a message to pass to him.

    Why do I feel so shitty about the interviewee experience today? So he was an asshole--why can't I leave it at that and let it go rather than cry about it?
     
  8. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, that interview would be an upsetting experience even if you weren't feeling down already. He was an asshole, but it's hard not to take that personally when it seemed like he would be willing to talk. ((hugs))
     
  9. Maofan7

    Maofan7 Member

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    I second this. Sending you my best wishes Gazpacho and hoping your feeling better

    Always remember that there are far more good people out there than nasty individuals like that. As Eric Hoffer once put it: "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.”
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2014
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  10. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Agreed. And it's only harder when you aren't starting from a good place. :(

    Don't worry about that. Take care of yourself.
     
  11. sk8pics

    sk8pics Well-Known Member

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    {{{Gazpacho}}} Doesn't your psychiatrist have any backup in case of emergency? I know you don't want to go to the ER, and it probably would not help, but you should see someone soon.

    I am glad you are still posting. Please promise you will come back here and post, and wait for a response, before taking actions that would harm you.

    And I'm sorry you have had such bad experiences w/ hotlines. I have been a volunteer myself, and would never have spoken to you that way.
     
  12. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    We will continue to be hare to support you.

    (((((Gazpacho)))))
     
  13. Aceon6

    Aceon6 Get off my lawn

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    Gaz, all I can say is that I'm happy to see your post, so you made a bunch of people happy today! I'll repeat...you made a bunch of people happy today!!!:)
     
  14. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are still with us, Gazpacho. DO NOT beat yourself up for not doing things you think you should be able to do. One of the hallmarks of depression is that you JUST.CANNOT.DO.THINGS. I spent many, many days unable to just get out of bed, and had a counselor tell me, "I don't think you want to get better." It really didn't help having a mom who was mystified and a dad who told me to "just get on with it."
     
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  15. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, so glad to see you posting again! Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you as are many other people here. {hugs}
     
  16. gkelly

    gkelly Well-Known Member

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    What did you find helpful, LilJen?
     
  17. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Ugh, a counselor should know better! :wall:

    There was a post on the web comic Hyperbole and a Half that dealt with depression in great detail, since the writer suffered with it, not updating her comic for more than a year. It was super eye-opening for someone who has never experienced it. I'm not sure if I should post it here because it might be triggering, but it's easily Googlable. I recommend anyone who's never had depression to read it.
     
  18. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Sigh. Tough to say. Some of it was just TIME. Some of it was educating myself about depression. *I* initially felt a lot of guilt that I just couldn't pull myself out of this, but I learned that this is NOT true. Just like you can't will yourself to stop having cancer or stop having a diseased liver, you can't will yourself out of depression. Time, finally; good therapists; good friends who listened and understood and were patient; antidepressants; and a better understanding of the way my body and brain work. It's a chronic thing with me; I've been on antidepressants for years because that seems to be what my brain needs to work "right" (rather than in the fog and continual grayness of depression). I also find myself slipping sometimes if I'm not taking care of myself--eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting decent sleep.
     
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  19. CynicElle

    CynicElle Well-Known Member

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    I'll second that -- I just got her book, and those comics did a really good job of explaining what depression is like. I'm going to show those chapters to the next person who doesn't get why people can't just jolly themselves out of depression with vitamins and exercise.

    Gazpacho, I'm still thinking about you today and hope you're able to find help.
     
  20. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    ^Good advice. Please don't be too hard on yourself, Gazpacho. Just do you what you can, and get help as soon as you can, and take care of yourself. Prayers are going up for you, and hugs coming your way!
     
  21. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Vera

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    (((Gazpacho))) Please try to see a psychiatrist on Monday or get someone else to help you (like a nurse may be) if the psychiatrist is not available.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

    Sending positive vibes your way.
     
  22. immoimeme

    immoimeme my posts r modded

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    Just one more day to Monday! I wish you well :)
     
  23. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    Me too!
     
  24. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all for your support. Over the past day the suicidal thoughts have become more concrete. I still haven't taken the actions (prepare the documents, shred things I don't want to others to see after I die though I know it's silly because I'll be dead then, buy a gun). But when I think about suicide, I get a sense of relief.

    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.
     
  25. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    My experience largely mirrors your own.

    My thoughts continue to be with you as you find your way to the best therapist, treatment and support.
    Take it one moment at a time; and don't give up.
     
  26. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    That's good, Gazpacho. Keep concentrating on positive steps that you can take. Your life is worth it. You are worth it. Life gives you options and possibilities -- death takes them away.

    We care about you and we're here to support you.
     
  27. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    The ketamine option sounds very exciting. I hadn't heard of that before, but when you mentioned it I looked it up. How good that you're finding some options.

    Remember, the help line is there whenever you need it. As often as you need it.

    We care. Lots.
     
  28. modern_muslimah

    modern_muslimah Thinking of witty user title and coming up blank

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    (((Gazpacho))) Hang in there. I know what you're experiencing. It feels unbearable right now but remember that it's temporary. Death, though, is so permanent. Please keep posting. We're all here and we care.
     
  29. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Vera

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    Gazpacho, suicide is not 'relief'. Please call for help (locally) ASAP. Tell them it's an emergency and you need help immediately. Don't wait.

    I hope you feel better soon. Things do change. Your tough times will pass. I can guarantee you that. Life is definitely worth living, no matter how difficult the situation may appear. Don't throw away this wonderful gift. Better days are ahead of you.

    (((Hugs)))
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2014
  30. 4rkidz

    4rkidz plotting, planning and travelling

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    Gazpacho, I hope today you are finding a little more relief from your pain. I can't begin to understand what you are going through or feeling but wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts and being part of this community, a community that cares about you. Sending hugs (()) and please update us on how you are feeling, there is some good advice on this thread.