Should I go to the hospital?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Gazpacho, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. sk8pics

    sk8pics Well-Known Member

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    {{{Gazpacho}}} Doesn't your psychiatrist have any backup in case of emergency? I know you don't want to go to the ER, and it probably would not help, but you should see someone soon.

    I am glad you are still posting. Please promise you will come back here and post, and wait for a response, before taking actions that would harm you.

    And I'm sorry you have had such bad experiences w/ hotlines. I have been a volunteer myself, and would never have spoken to you that way.
  2. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    We will continue to be hare to support you.

    (((((Gazpacho)))))
  3. Aceon6

    Aceon6 Get off my lawn

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    Gaz, all I can say is that I'm happy to see your post, so you made a bunch of people happy today! I'll repeat...you made a bunch of people happy today!!!:)
  4. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are still with us, Gazpacho. DO NOT beat yourself up for not doing things you think you should be able to do. One of the hallmarks of depression is that you JUST.CANNOT.DO.THINGS. I spent many, many days unable to just get out of bed, and had a counselor tell me, "I don't think you want to get better." It really didn't help having a mom who was mystified and a dad who told me to "just get on with it."
    RFOS and (deleted member) like this.
  5. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, so glad to see you posting again! Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you as are many other people here. {hugs}
  6. gkelly

    gkelly Well-Known Member

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    What did you find helpful, LilJen?
  7. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Ugh, a counselor should know better! :wall:

    There was a post on the web comic Hyperbole and a Half that dealt with depression in great detail, since the writer suffered with it, not updating her comic for more than a year. It was super eye-opening for someone who has never experienced it. I'm not sure if I should post it here because it might be triggering, but it's easily Googlable. I recommend anyone who's never had depression to read it.
  8. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Sigh. Tough to say. Some of it was just TIME. Some of it was educating myself about depression. *I* initially felt a lot of guilt that I just couldn't pull myself out of this, but I learned that this is NOT true. Just like you can't will yourself to stop having cancer or stop having a diseased liver, you can't will yourself out of depression. Time, finally; good therapists; good friends who listened and understood and were patient; antidepressants; and a better understanding of the way my body and brain work. It's a chronic thing with me; I've been on antidepressants for years because that seems to be what my brain needs to work "right" (rather than in the fog and continual grayness of depression). I also find myself slipping sometimes if I'm not taking care of myself--eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting decent sleep.
    gkelly and (deleted member) like this.
  9. CynicElle

    CynicElle Well-Known Member

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    I'll second that -- I just got her book, and those comics did a really good job of explaining what depression is like. I'm going to show those chapters to the next person who doesn't get why people can't just jolly themselves out of depression with vitamins and exercise.

    Gazpacho, I'm still thinking about you today and hope you're able to find help.
  10. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    ^Good advice. Please don't be too hard on yourself, Gazpacho. Just do you what you can, and get help as soon as you can, and take care of yourself. Prayers are going up for you, and hugs coming your way!
  11. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    (((Gazpacho))) Please try to see a psychiatrist on Monday or get someone else to help you (like a nurse may be) if the psychiatrist is not available.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

    Sending positive vibes your way.
  12. immoimeme

    immoimeme having a nice day

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    Just one more day to Monday! I wish you well :)
  13. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    Me too!
  14. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all for your support. Over the past day the suicidal thoughts have become more concrete. I still haven't taken the actions (prepare the documents, shred things I don't want to others to see after I die though I know it's silly because I'll be dead then, buy a gun). But when I think about suicide, I get a sense of relief.

    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.
  15. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    My experience largely mirrors your own.

    My thoughts continue to be with you as you find your way to the best therapist, treatment and support.
    Take it one moment at a time; and don't give up.
  16. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    That's good, Gazpacho. Keep concentrating on positive steps that you can take. Your life is worth it. You are worth it. Life gives you options and possibilities -- death takes them away.

    We care about you and we're here to support you.
  17. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    The ketamine option sounds very exciting. I hadn't heard of that before, but when you mentioned it I looked it up. How good that you're finding some options.

    Remember, the help line is there whenever you need it. As often as you need it.

    We care. Lots.
  18. modern_muslimah

    modern_muslimah Well-Known Member

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    (((Gazpacho))) Hang in there. I know what you're experiencing. It feels unbearable right now but remember that it's temporary. Death, though, is so permanent. Please keep posting. We're all here and we care.
  19. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, suicide is not 'relief'. Please call for help (locally) ASAP. Tell them it's an emergency and you need help immediately. Don't wait.

    I hope you feel better soon. Things do change. Your tough times will pass. I can guarantee you that. Life is definitely worth living, no matter how difficult the situation may appear. Don't throw away this wonderful gift. Better days are ahead of you.

    (((Hugs)))
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2014
  20. 4rkidz

    4rkidz GPF Barcelona here I come

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    Gazpacho, I hope today you are finding a little more relief from your pain. I can't begin to understand what you are going through or feeling but wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts and being part of this community, a community that cares about you. Sending hugs (()) and please update us on how you are feeling, there is some good advice on this thread.
  21. jlai

    jlai Title-less

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    Can't say it better myself. I enjoy your posts and I hope you'll find some help. We'll be here to support you
  22. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yes, please do.

    I'm so glad you're still with us and that you're giving us honest updates, Gazpacho. It really means a lot to everyone here, and I hope it's helping you too. We're all rooting for you.
  23. Jasmar

    Jasmar Active Member

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    I'd really, strongly encourage you to call the help line again, the one that helped a bit the other night. If your suicidal thoughts are strengthening, you've got to have help.

    Still praying for you.
  24. sk8pics

    sk8pics Well-Known Member

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    {{{Gaspacho}}} Please hang in there. I'm glad you may have some treatment options. Please give them a try, and give them a chance to work. We are all here for you.
  25. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar New Member

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    Gazspacho, please keep in touch w/us and if things are getting worse, please take that chance and go to that Clinic. Even if it's only a stop gap measure to get you through until your regular Doc is back, please go for it. You know we're here.
  26. immoimeme

    immoimeme having a nice day

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    Again, I dunno if I can help, but I'll leave the phone on tonight. Wake me up, it's okay. :)
    And Monday is almost here . Let us know how you're doing.
  27. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    (((Gazpacho))) ....sending you loving thoughts. I hope you get stronger in your mind and peaceful in your thoughts. Have a good night's sleep. I hope you wake up happy.
  28. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    I hope you're able to get better access to resources now that we're past the weekend. Were you able to make an appointment with the clinic?
    We're still thinking about you and here to support you.
  29. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    ^^^
    Seconding all the above!
  30. orientalplane

    orientalplane Mad for mangelwurzels

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    (((Gazpacho))) I know how bad you feel and how desperate it can get. Please try to hold on with the help of anyone who loves you, until some kind of treatment plan is put in place. Also, try to remember that if you're feeling as bad as you describe, even getting up and dressed is a victory. Some ignorant people may dismiss such an idea, but they don't know how much you're suffering. And please keep posting. If you'd like to share what you're feeling in more detail or exchange experiences of feeling suicidal, by all means PM me. I can't promise to say anything that will make you feel better, because everyone's experience of mental illness is unique, but possibly you won't feel so alone.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2014
  31. rudi

    rudi New Member

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    (((Gazpacho)))

    Hang in there. Remember this, too, shall pass, and there are brighter days ahead. Also, as others have said, don't beat yourself up about not applying for that job, or whatever else you don't feel up to doing right now. There will be other jobs; there always are. Just concentrate on getting better. Find little things that you can enjoy/look forward to, like the watching the Olympics (am making the assumption that you might be a figure skating fan. ;) )

    Hopefully since the weekend is over, your Dr. will be available today. I have never heard of ketamine (looked it up when I read what you wrote about it.) Sounds interesting; it doesn't hurt to check it out and explore that option In the event that it may be able to help.

    Sending many positive vibes your way.
  32. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    I second what Orientalplane wrote. You are not alone. We will support you to the extent we can, through PM or phone calls (as another poster suggested). Please try to get help from a doctor or a nurse. It's Monday now. I hope you have lots of luck finding the help you need. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. Hugs.
  33. NinjaTurtles

    NinjaTurtles Teenage Mutant

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    Gazpacho, does you psychiatrist only manage your medication routine or do you also receive concomitant treatments (e.g., psychotherapy)?

    Ketamine could provide possible short-term relief; however you'll likely have to pay out of pocket for an infusion, as it is not an approved treatment for depression. If the clinic is two hours away, you should probably have someone drive you there and back (if possible). Many of the effects of Ketamine can impair driving.
  34. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Well, this has been a disappointing day. The nearest ketamine clinic (over 2 hours away) said that I'll first need to go for an evaluation and then will have to have at least once weekly, preferably 2-3 times weekly, infusions for 6 to 8 weeks. I don't know why that's their policy. I asked about getting it one time, and they said no, they only do it over an extended period. I can't figure out why except that maybe they're gathering the data for research purposes. So that's out of the question.

    I got a hold of the psychiatrist's assistant who got a hold of the psychiatrist, and I was able to speak with him briefly. My psychiatrist had never head about ketamine treatment for depression. He said to go back on Wellbutrin. I reminded him that I went off Wellbutrin because it didn't work. I had tried it a couple years ago, two different doses, and then 3-4 months last year. It's always been like water--no effect. But he said that maybe the dose wasn't right, so he wants me to try another dose.

    I don't want to try Wellbutrin yet again when it's never done anything before. He was pushing Pristiq last time I saw him, but now he says he doesn't want to try that for another month or two.

    I can't go on like this. I need to try something new. My psychiatrist is probably thinking, as long as I'm this down, I won't commit suicide because I don't have the energy or motivation. That's acceptable to a doctor who undoubtedly has had patients commit suicide. But it's not acceptable to me.

    NinjaTurtles, I was seeing a therapist regularly, but in the past two months, I've been so down that I can't even get to her office.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2014
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  35. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho --maybe consider calling the helpline and seeing if they can help you get connected to someone soon? It doesn't sound like your current psychiatrist may be the help you need. Or, perhaps getting a second opinion might open up some new avenues.

    Can you call your old therapist and talk with her? Can she provide therapy on the phone? (I don't know what is possible on that front.)

    Is there a way any of us can be helpful?
  36. iloveemoticons

    iloveemoticons Well-Known Member

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    What about seeing your family doctor or any other family doctor if yours is booked? Family doctors are able to prescribe anti-depressants and often do. The important thing is that you see a doctor as soon as possible.
  37. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    I think it's a good idea. The family doctor could even recommend a psychiatrist to you, and you could get a quick appointment.

    I think seeing the past therapist may be a good idea too. He/she may be able to do something, like prescribing a drug that you feel comfortable with.

    As long as you do something about it, you are on the right track. If you don't feel you have the energy to do something, is there a family member or a friend that could give you a ride?
  38. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    I'll admit to not knowing much about ketamine, but I do know that some treatments, when given via infusion, have to be repeated several times. Maybe it's one of those.
  39. immoimeme

    immoimeme having a nice day

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    That's not acceptable to me either esp from a professional who is supposed to be *helping* you. I think all the suggestions made sound like avenues to try. Try one then the other then another. The need for new is valid and perfectly understandable. It's out there! Sometimes it just appears! I hope you find it v v soon. Thanks for keeping us updated :)
  40. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

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    Can you ask exactly WHY you must go for the ketamine infusions for 6-8 weeks and not try it once? I do know people use Ketamine as a drug so perhaps they want to make sure it is going to people who truly need it for depression? If you are desperate enough, perhaps you could go for the infusion and not go back? Not very honest but you could always say it didn't work or you didn't like the side effects. If you do think it works you may find you have the energy and motivation to keep going back even if it is a long drive. That is my hope, it would work and make you want to keep going back. If it doesn't work, make sure it is safe (that you can stop cold turkey, etc) and don't return.