Should I go to the hospital?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Gazpacho, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. orientalplane

    orientalplane Mad for mangelwurzels

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    No, I don't think she was deliberately trying to do so either. As I said in my post, I don't doubt her good intentions. But when altai_rose says that because there are people who are physically worse off, then she feels she has "no right to give up", then I think this is sending the wrong kind of message to those who are severely depressed. Implicit in the words "no right to give up" is the idea that everyone can get better if they really try. And I've felt too suicidal and seen far too many suicides to believe that. There isn't always light on the horizon, and hope does sometimes die.

    I won't be saying any more about this, as it's Gazpacho's thread and I don't wish to derail it any further.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  2. CynicElle

    CynicElle Well-Known Member

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    (((Gazpacho))) You're still in my thoughts and I'm so sorry you're still in so much pain. Please keep checking in and talking to us.
     
  3. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Yes, exactly. This is well said.
     
  4. altai_rose

    altai_rose Well-Known Member

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    I respect your opinion and your experience, but you know absolutely nothing about my experience, my psychology, and what I've gone through. This is a public forum and I don't feel comfortable revealing some things. As I said before, different things work for different people with depression.

    I also don't wish to derail this thread further.

    Gazpacho, please keep checking in and telling us how you are.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  5. immoimeme

    immoimeme my posts r modded

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    I wish things were different. Thanks for letting us know what's going on. :)
     
  6. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight, Gazpacho.
     
  7. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Thinking about you tonight, Gazpacho.
     
  8. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    In some cases I would tend to agree. But if you look at what you and others are doing in this thread, you are making rational, reasoned arguments in response to Gazpacho in the hopes or encouraging her to make certain choices over other choices. And for one month now, Gazpacho has read and responded to those reasoned arguments in a coherent manner. Gazpacho has had the wherewithal to eat, to breathe, to repeatedly call her doctor, to come online and post, to watch the Olympics in one of her favorite sports and post about that, to research and make decisions about her medicinal usage, etc. We're not talking about someone so divorced from reality that she can no longer have a reasoned discussion. If so, people are posting in vain in this thread.

    The decision to stop trying to redeem the past requires consciously changing one's thinking patterns every time one's thoughts veer towards the past. One can learn to do that in a therapeutic setting, but ultimately it's something that one purposefully does on one's own outside a therapist's office. IOW, it's a choice of where one chooses to spend their mental energies.

    What Gazpacho described is a common way of thinking for many people--it's not something tied to mental illness. But it's neither healthy nor realistic. And really all that type of thinking does is rob the possibilities of today by burying them under the overwhelming sorrows of yesterday. So one has to change the way one views the present. A good day is good not because it redeemed something bad that happened in the past, but because one experienced happiness or was a blessing to others in some way today.
     
  9. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

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    You make very good points here. However, it is possible to appear coherent/reasonable, but be in complete mental turmoil. It is not simply an inability to let go of the past. It is understanding the potential future. I know that a component of bi-polar is fear of episodes. I can relate to that (on a lesser level), as I get panic attacks, due to my OCD. Often, the fear of the anxiety/agitation/racing, repetitive thoughts/fear itself, is the most disabling part. Very few people would be aware of my mental state, when I am going through a panic attack/OCD episode. I can appear very calm outwardly, and be reeling mentally. Gazpacho may be able to communicate rationally, with us via the internet. But, we are not there. We are not seeing what she is doing and how she is behaving for the hours/days that we don't hear from her. You can have therapy and meds that work, but that will not prevent episodes where you lose control. The therapist can give you coping mechanisms, and that does help. But, the anguish still happens. Sometimes you can reign it in, sometimes it gets control of you. I believe that it is crucial for Gazpacho to be seen by both her psychiatrist and PC doctors. I believe blood work should be done, I believe that an evaluation of her meds should be done. I believe that it is possible that she should be hospitalized to possibly go off the meds she is on and try another mix. I know I have said these things numerous times, but, I am OCD. It is possible that Gazpacho understands she needs to do these things, but just can't make herself do it. If, in fact, her doctors are not cooperating, that is unprofessional and she should find other doctors.

    Just a point: I am not discussing my issues to talk about me. I am hoping that Gazpacho is reading what I write and what others have confided, and realizing that she is not alone. I am, also, hoping to try to communicate that while in the midst of an episode, choices are complicated.
     
  10. attyfan

    attyfan Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho ... still praying for you.
     
  11. quartz

    quartz Far beyond these castle walls

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    Hoping that today will bring you a little glimmer of hope and light.
    Sending you more hugs of support.
    Peace and love,
    Judi
     
  12. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    I'm feeling too upset to write too much other than to tell altai_rose that your comments upset me. Do you really think I'm oblivious to the fact that there is so much suffering in the world? Do you really think I don't feel enormously guilty for feeling bad and wanting to die when many people are dying but want to live? Those are major triggers for my self-harm. Other people who engage in self-harm may have different triggers. I'm speaking only for myself.

    I also believe that those are among the major triggers for the high depression and suicide rates seen in helping professions.

    A few weeks ago, those comments may not have upset me so much that I would express them. In the past week, since tweaking the medications, I've become irritable and agitated.

    Does anyone know about electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for depression? It sounds scary, but it does have a strong record of helping very depressed people. It also has a strong record of bad side effects, some of which can be permanent.
     
  13. Sparks

    Sparks Well-Known Member

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    ECT can be effective...for some, not all. Is that an option for you?
    ECT is not like it was 'back in the day'.
     
  14. orientalplane

    orientalplane Mad for mangelwurzels

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    I've had ECT 24 times (two courses). It's usually given when medication and therapy have failed to alleviate a patient's mental illness, including depression. I had mine in a psychiatric hospital in the UK. Is it an option for you if you want it? There's no need to be scared by the process itself; you are given a general anaesthetic and you're only unconscious for a few minutes. The treatment lasts literally about a minute. It's true that it does help some people, but if you can get access to an ETC course, don't pin all your hopes on it. It doesn't work for everyone; nevertheless I have known people who have benefited greatly from having it.

    As for the side effects, at some point during the first course I seemed to lose all knowledge of the place in which I lived and was unable to remember the local geography. However, when I left the hospital, it all came back to me. I was afraid of losing memories of my childhood, but I didn't. My reaction to the second course is more difficult to explain, but I felt that I had lost some of my mental sharpness, and while I remembered the geography this time, I still have a lot of trouble remembering day to day things, and also in grasping abstract ideas that I'd found easier before.

    I hope that this treatment works for you if you're able to obtain it. Very best wishes to you at this terrible time. :(
     
  15. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not altai_rose but I didn't doubt that at all about you. You seem too intelligent and cognizant to be clueless about others' suffering. Part of me wonders if being a part of the medical field can do that to people, because they often have "seen worse" and it becomes difficult to truly empathize with each individual patient, especially when they're not extreme. I admit I'm likely projecting onto altai_rose - I nearly flipped my lid when my cousin, who's in medical school, ranted that "patients are stupid." :mad:

    Becoming irritable and agitated probably means your brain is readjusting to the meds. It can be good or bad. You have to give your future self the chance to ride it out and see what comes next.

    I have no idea about ECT but I agree with Sparks that the technology has very likely improved. Looking into and being open to ECT is good - not necessarily about the specific treatment, but you're still looking for help. That's a good sign. :)

    ((HUGS)) Still in my thoughts, Gazpacho.
     
  16. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    You continue to be in my thoughts, Gazpacho.
     
  17. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Sasha

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    (((Gazpacho))) I hope you get the right treatment and can live a happy life.
     
  18. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

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    Gazpacho, please try not to be upset by anything anyone says here. I really believe everyone is trying to help, the best that they know how. Also, please do not feel guilty for anything. I consider you a person who is trying to live. The suicidal thoughts are your suffering. They are just as much a serious, potentially terminal illness as any physical one. It may not feel like you are fighting. But, every time you come here, you show that you are. No one thinks you are oblivious in any way. We have read many of your posts, you are smart, articulate, thoughtful, and many other wonderful things. Different things work for different people. Some people respond to positive encouragement. Some people (like me) respond to feeling guilty. Some of us are incredibly good at beating ourselves up.

    I have heard that ECT has changed drastically, and they are having great success with it. But, make sure you go to the BEST! Judging from what you are telling us, I don't know that your psychiatrist is the most professional doctor. Again, (OCD speaking :)), you need to see your doctor or a new doctor and go over all of your options.

    I think about you all of the time. I want, so much, for you to feel better. XOXOXO
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2014
  19. altai_rose

    altai_rose Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for telling me this. I'm sorry if my comments upset you in any way. I spoke from my personal experience, from my heart, but I know that it does not generalize to everyone. The same goes for every other user's advice in this thread--reading through it, I see many posts which may be just as upsetting, either to you or to someone else with depression. Again, everyone is just trying to help, and, as both you and cruisin just said, different people respond differently to things.

    ECT is given under anesthesia, and yes, it may be effective in certain cases. Is there a medical professional you can speak to about it?
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2014
  20. quartz

    quartz Far beyond these castle walls

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    A nephew of mine had ECT about 5 years ago. He was in his early thirties at the time and was an inpatient for several months. I am not sure how many actual treatments he had. It was very successful for him.
     
  21. judiz

    judiz Well-Known Member

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    My husband had it as a teenager so we are going back 30 years. It helped him but unfortunately wiped out some good memories as well as the bad ones.
     
  22. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    I don't know anything about ECT. But as you're exploring various options (and good for you! :respec: ), another thing to think about is talking with a good nutritionist, if you can get hold of one. Nutrition can't take the place of medical treatment, of course, but sometimes it can aid it. Everything you can do to take care of yourself, in terms of diet and exercise and rest, is a step in the right direction.

    *hugs*
     
  23. quartz

    quartz Far beyond these castle walls

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    Gazpacho, I think that the fact you are still looking into treatment options means that you are still fighting and still wanting to find your light again. Even though you are talking about ending your life, there is still a spark within you that is searching for healing.
    Please don't give in to the darkness; there is still hope within you, or else you wouldn't be asking opinions on ECT.
    KEEP FIGHTING. YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE.
     
  24. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar Well-Known Member

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    Wyliefan has some really good advice there. I was diagnosed w/having at the very least Gluten Sensitivity last Spring and while it's a challenge/fight w/Mom to help me follow the diet, when I am able to eat the way I should for a constant period of time, the difference is stunning. It also answered why I felt so drained of energy the last few years, but my Iron levels were fine and I wasn't Anemic, so...!?!

    As my Nutritionist explained to me, when the body is dealing w/such a massive assault on itself as what happens when someone w/Gluten Issues isn't aware they do have them and needs to avoid it at all costs, that really takes a lot of energy to be able to try and fight off. However, since I wasn't aware of it, I kept eating stuff w/Gluten in it and in turn...

    When I am able to eat as I should, my energy levels just shoot skyward, my mood is far more upbeat and my Insomnia disappears. I still don't believe it's the complete answer to what's been going w/me and my tummy issues, simply because there are other things going on that link to my Gallbladder Surgery in 2001, but I do believe it's a piece of the puzzle.

    Never would known about it though if my Family Doctor hadn't ordered the blood work needed to find out. That's why ITA w/crusin about getting your Main Doctor to do a thorough and complete Blood Workup done. W/the new drugs, there could be things going on that would only show up in a complete workup.

    I really hope you can talk to him about doing this, because to me, after being put on a new drug it would make sense to check and make sure all as it should be.

    I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers every night. Keep in touch.
     
  25. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

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    Hi Gazpacho. Hope you are feeling better. Have you been able to get any information about ECT and whether or not it is appropriate for you? Have you gotten anywhere with your doctors.
     
  26. Gypsy

    Gypsy Watching the Leaves Change!

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    Hi Gazpacho...thinking of you today. {{{HUGS}}}
     
  27. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Sasha

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    Gazpacho, I hope you are in touch with your doctors. Please remember that we are all sending you positive vibes. I hope you experience peace and joy in your life.
     
  28. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Due to something I learned about a difficult ongoing situation (don't want to get into details), I've gone from bad to worse. I met with the psychiatrist in person yesterday, and he just continued me on the medication, saying that the side effects would get better. I don't feel better. I need some relief fast.
     
  29. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

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    First, I am glad that you are staying in touch. We need to hear from you to be sure you are okay. I still, really think you should go to your PC doctor. I spoke to a friend, today, who is a nurse. I talked about you and what is happening to you. clearly, since I don't know who you actually are, I was not breaking any confidence. She agreed that there could be any number of drug interactions, physical chemical reactions, that could cause what is happening to you. She agreed that you should have blood work done. If, for no other reason than to rule out any physical causes. I am dismayed that your psychiatrist saw you and just said the side effects would lessen. As desperate as you sound to us, he doesn't seem to be getting how bad this is. Did you ask about inpatient treatment? Did you ask about ECT? If I had a magic wand I would wave it and make all of your pain go away. But, alas, I don't. So, I hope the fact that we all care about you and are pulling for you helps. XOXOXO
     
  30. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Yes, the doctor and the bloodwork sound like good ideas. Hang in there, Gazpacho. (I know it sounds trite, but sometimes just hanging in there, putting one foot in front of the other, is all we can do!) Hugs and prayers to you.