Should I go to the hospital?

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Gazpacho, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Here's the deal. I feel very depressed, but not agitated depressed (on the edge between mania and depression when people are the most dangerous) like I was before my bipolar disorder was under control.

    Instead, I've been stuck in bed sleeping and crying. I don't have the energy and motivation to commit suicide, if that makes any sense. Basically, if someone handed me a gun in bed, I might do it. But I don't have the motivation to buy a gun. I've thought about and researched other suicide methods throughout the years and have concluded that a gun is the way to go. Other methods don't appeal to me.

    So the chances of me committing suicide are pretty slim right now because, like I said, I don't have the motivation to buy a gun. I also don't have the motivation to update the documents indicating what to do after my death and how to handle my accounts, etc. I can't stand the idea of leaving a logistical mess and also want to destroy a bunch of stuff, mostly documents, first.

    On the other hand, I can't stop wishing everything was over.

    Should I go to the hospital?

    The very first time I was hospitalized, way long ago, the experience was so traumatizing and violating, criminally so, that I still get panic attacks and flashbacks. I was so young then, and I think they took advantage of that. The second time was better but still traumatizing. I can't go into details because I'm starting to panic just thinking about it.

    About five(?) years ago, I was agitatedly suicidal because my bipolar was out of control. I hadn't made an attempt but went to the hospital trying to get admitted because I was on the edge. They wouldn't admit me unless an attempt had been made. So I left the hospital, went back a little while later, and told them that I had taken some over the counter pills in a suicide attempt, and they admitted me. They kept me there for four days, I think it was. During that time, I was told that there shouldn't be a problem with insurance. I should have verified it with the insurance company before going to the hospital because my insurance only covered some of the costs. I was left with a $7500 bill that took 2 years, many phone calls, and many tears, to pay off.

    The hospital experience was both positive and negative, in different ways that I won't go into now. There were definite negatives that lingered, for example the hospital bill, and I still have very mixed feelings about whether it was right for me to go to the hospital then.

    But the long term effect was probably positive because it sped up my treatment for bipolar. Before that, I wasn't even officially diagnosed as bipolar even though I had all the symptoms. I was able to see a psychiatrist immediately at the hospital, and I got on stronger medications that are appropriate for bipolar.

    I don't know what to do. My psychiatrist is away, so I can't get a hold of him immediately.
     
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  2. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Does your psychiatrist have a backup person you can call? I'd think either that or a suicide hotline? (((((hugs))))
     
  3. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    When he's there, there's a number to call, but now the message on the machine is to call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

    My experiences with suicide hotlines have been awful. One sent police to my place and put me in handcuffs and escorted me out of the building with everyone watching. The landlord refused to renew my lease because of that.

    One asked whether I had made an attempt, and when I said no but I'm thinking about it, she said, well there are people who need the hotline help more. I asked her if I should go to the emergency room, and she said it would be a waste of time because they wouldn't admit me without an attempt. I was very upset with her, but she was actually right. When I went to the hospital, they didn't admit me because I hadn't made an attempt.

    One hotline gave a busy signal.

    One hotline was staffed by volunteers who I'm guessing stay at home but are "on call". The person who answered had clearly just been sleeping, and I had woken her up. She said, "I don't know what to tell you. Why don't you try to get some sleep" and hung up.
     
  4. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho --

    Does your insurance have a nurse help line that is available now? Can you figure out which hospitals are "in-network" for you?

    If you're thinking that you ought to go to the hospital, you ought to go to the hospital.

    Is there a way we could be helpful?

    (((Hugs)))
     
  5. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Are you still taking your meds, Gazpacho?
     
  6. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    Gazpacho, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and that you've had such terrible experiences with crisis lines and hospitals. Unfortunately, in many cases mental health still isn't taken as seriously as it should be. I'm not a mental health professional so please take what I'm going to say with that in mind, though I have had way too much personal experience with mental health issues. It sounds like you do need some more intensive help at the moment but it's hard to say if the hospital is the best place to get it. Just because you don't think that physically you'd be able to go through with suicide doesn't mean it isn't dangerous. Is there a friend or family member that you could call until you can get through to your psychiatrist? If not, maybe the hospital is the best option for you. Please keep us updated.
     
  7. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your support.

    Wyliefan, yes I'm still taking the meds. As I mentioned in another thread, the doctor wants me to go off Lexapro and onto Pristiq, but that process hasn't started, so there hasn't been a change in meds.

    barbk, I don't know about the insurance nurse line, but I'm kind of hesitant about telling things to the insurance companies. I know the nearest hospital is in-network, but that doesn't mean everything is covered. The time I got hit with a $7500 bill, it was also in-network. The cost would have been even higher if it wasn't. I don't know what my current insurance plan would cover, and if I go to the hospital, I have no control over what treatments they give me or what charges they'll put on the bill. If I could be assured that I wouldn't be hit with many charges that aren't covered the decision would be easier.

    made_in_canada, I don't even know that talking with someone will help. I don't even know what I'd say. I'm also scared about how they might respond, especially if they blow me off.
     
  8. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    I wasn't actually thinking someone to talk to really. Just someone that can make sure you're okay, maybe stay with you until you can get through to a professional.
     
  9. Maofan7

    Maofan7 Away

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    Gazpacho,

    I would urge you to talk to a professional who can help you as soon as possible. I've no idea which country you are in. However, if you are in the United States, then you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL). You can find their contact details here. If you are not in the United States, then their are contact details for equivalent organisations to the NSPL in other countries here

    Organisations like these are normally able to put you in a position where are can receive the medical attention you require for bipolar
     
  10. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho --
    This is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255 -- it comes highly recommended by a friend who runs a foundation for suicide prevention. It is open 24x7, and the counselors are professionals, not volunteers.

    You don't need to know what to say. Just call, and speak with them. Just let them know how you're feeling.
     
  11. Gazpacho

    Gazpacho Well-Known Member

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    I've decided against going to the hospital after thinking it through. There is almost no chance I'll get past the emergency room because I'm not imminently suicidal. That means I'll wait for a few hours to see a physician and then get discharged and sent home.

    The only way I'd be hospitalized is to pretend to be imminently suicidal or possibly to make an attempt. In that case, I don't know if it would count as voluntary or involuntary commitment. Last time it was "voluntary" commitment, but I was threatened that if I didn't commit myself voluntarily, they would do it involuntarily. I don't know if this hospital would give me that "choice". Some states don't let you buy guns if you have ever been involuntarily committed anywhere in the country for psychiatric reasons, even if it's only for a few days. I can't give up my right to buy a gun in case I do need it later.

    Thanks for your support.
     
  12. mag

    mag Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, I notice you are off line now. I don't have any advice - many people up thread know more than I. I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I hope you are managing through the night. (Hugs)
     
  13. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    Please go ahead and call that lifeline, Gazpacho -- the fact that it's run by professional counselors should make a big difference. We're all rooting for you and want you to find help. I'll be praying for you.
     
  14. jlai

    jlai Title-less

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    (((Gazpacho)))
    I'll be thinking of you too. Think positive and think of pleasant things in life you can look forward to. Even small things.
     
  15. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Sasha

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    (((Gazpacho))) I hope you feel better. Please contact a professional that can help you ASAP. Even if your psychiatrist is not around, there are many other psychiatrists and counselors around. Please use the information given by other posters and get help. Sending you loving thoughts. May you experience peace.
     
  16. Vagabond

    Vagabond Well-Known Member

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    Gazpacho, it appears you are on line and reading this thread.

    It sounds like you *are* having a medical emergency. I'd say go to the hospital and see what they can do. Feel free to sed me a PM. I'll be up for a while.
     
  17. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Sasha

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    Gazpacho, it sounds like you are able to think logically (making arrangements after....etc.) but do not wait. Either call a hotline or go straight to the ER. Let the doctors there figure out how you can be helped.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how your are doing.
     
  18. Jasmar

    Jasmar Active Member

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    I also struggle with catasrophic thinking based on past experiences. I get it. The thing is, you can't stop asking for the help you need, especially to stay safe in the short term, based on what has happened in the past. I care about you. Praying for you.
     
  19. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    Please go somewhere. If not the hospital, SOME place that isn't sitting at home alone working up the energy to kill yourself. Alone is not good.
     
  20. lmarie086

    lmarie086 Well-Known Member

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    I don't have any advice to give, but you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I send you warm, peaceful thoughts. (((Gazpacho)))
     
  21. immoimeme

    immoimeme my posts r modded

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    My impulse is to help tho I don't know how much help I could be. I only have a degree to practice fine art but I'll pm you my phone number and leave the phone on all night if you want to call. Meantime go to the er. The experience may be different this time and you'll never know til you go.
     
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  22. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I second this. I've never experienced it myself, but I can imagine how utterly awful a hospital is for someone who's on the cusp of seriously and not-seriously suicidal. They don't have a concrete plan for you, so you get bounced around and then spit back out. I think it is awful that many (most?) hospitals don't have the resources to help even though IMO you DO need it.

    Having someone with you might make the whole experience easier, if you choose to go to the hospital. If you don't have anyone and/or you choose not to go, please call the hotline that barbk mentioned.

    I'm so glad you decided to reach out to us, Gazpacho. You aren't alone. We're listening, and we care about you. We'll be here as long as you need. But please reach out a little more to get the help you need.

    ((HUGS))
     
  23. IceJunkie

    IceJunkie Well-Known Member

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    Bipolar disorder runs on both sides of my family, and I have heard about the devastation it causes. My cousin has been in out of the hospital for the past few years....but he is coping.

    It isn't easy to cope. It is hard. But please don't give up. Call someone, anyone. Sometimes you just need another voice to hear.

    If you think you might do something...don't hesitate to go to the hospital. That is infinitely better than not going if you're in a bad place.

    You'll make it through this.
     
  24. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Julia, Elena, Anna, Liza, and Sasha

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    Sending more hugs and loving thoughts your way Gazpacho. Do not despair. The tough times will pass.
     
  25. CynicElle

    CynicElle Well-Known Member

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    I honestly don't have any advice to offer, but I'm thinking about you. Please let us know how you're doing.
     
  26. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    Seconding all of this.
    Please. let us know how you are doing. when you can.
     
  27. LilJen

    LilJen Well-Known Member

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    Was thinking of you last night and this morning, Gazpacho. Hope you are doing OK and you have found someone to help.
     
  28. quartz

    quartz Far beyond these castle walls

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    (((Gazpacho)))

    Thinking of you, and hoping you will soon find the help and support you need. Please keep reaching out and trying to connect with an agency or service that can help you cope. Hopefully you have already tried some of the numbers provided for you.

    Keep in touch with us here.....there are so many comforting and open hearts here on FSU who will listen and be a shoulder to lean on.

    Peace and love,
    Judi
     
  29. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Thinking of you today, Gazpacho. ((HUGS))
     
  30. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar Well-Known Member

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    I know exactly how you feel about certain Professionals and Hospitals. I have gone through my own fair share of experiences I would not wish on my worst enemy. I really hope you've found someone to talk to and you're. Getting help. Hang in there!! We're here for you!!