Sandra Lee has written a novel.

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Whitneyskates, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. Whitneyskates

    Whitneyskates New Member

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  2. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    "He reached over to kiss her luscious (slightly boozy-tasting) lips, when suddenly he felt a gurgling and rumbling in his stomach, underneath those washboard abs...a wave of nausea came over him as he realized he should not have eaten her Slow Cooker Meatloaf...."I-I-I have to go...can't make it...t-t-t-to the bathroom!", he dumped her off of his sturdy lap onto the floor, a heap of blonde extensions, Wal-mart lingerie and seasoning packets..." He barely made it to the toilet before his romantic meal started to come out at both ends...

    My favorite part. As close to real life as it gets.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2013
    IceAlisa, Nomad, Dr.Siouxs and 3 others like this.
  3. VALuvsMKwan

    VALuvsMKwan Wandering Goy

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    readers instantly go brain-dead from the inanity of her efforts?

    But is the cover a montage of tablescapes?
  4. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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  5. emason

    emason Well-Known Member

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    I am NOT volunteering to be a test reader for this.
  6. Dr.Siouxs

    Dr.Siouxs Well-Known Member

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    Hurl.
  7. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    oh what new hell is this?
  8. shan

    shan Well-Known Member

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  9. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    God is punishing us for making fun of her...
  10. ChelleC

    ChelleC Well-Known Member

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    I'm sure it's going to be the next Pulitzer prize winner.
  11. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    I can't wait to read this. This is going to be the worst book EVER :scream:

    (not to mention that probably the only writing Nasty Sandy actually did on it was signing her name on the contract)
    Dr.Siouxs and (deleted member) like this.
  12. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    She was actually in Philly last week - signing vodka bottles...she is SO trifling.

    I bet this is as bad as Joan Collins' foray into fiction writing.
  13. Whitneyskates

    Whitneyskates New Member

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    I gotta feeling this book is going to be like the drunk lovechild of Jackie Collins and Danielle Steel.
  14. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    You would have better odds of getting a good read by randomly selecting a self-published Kindle book (and probably 99.9999% better odds the person listed as the author actually wrote the book...)
  15. Scintillation

    Scintillation New Member

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    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait this isn't a joke.


    *exhales* So.....
  16. jamesy

    jamesy Well-Known Member

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    Way to set the bar high for women's fiction.
  17. succubus

    succubus Well-Known Member

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    Did anyone else read the book title as 'The Russipe Box' in their head?

    I can't wait to read 'Chapter 4: Hey baby, it's Kwanzaa - now go get me some Corn Nuts!'
  18. Whitneyskates

    Whitneyskates New Member

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    Just think about the chapter that talks about Pixie Stix :smokin:
  19. shan

    shan Well-Known Member

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    And she has to devote a chapter to vanilla eggstract... :lol:
  20. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    And you didn't go?!? What is wrong with you?!? I'm sure she would have happily emptied the bottle herself before signing it for you.
  21. FiveRinger

    FiveRinger Well-Known Member

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    Sounds biographical to me too
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  22. Aerobicidal

    Aerobicidal Well-Known Member

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    I've already reserved this crispy delicious treat from my local aquaworium--I mean library. I found her memoir unreadable rather than unintentionally funny. Hopefully this will be the opposite.
  23. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, the bottles could be worth something one day. You know, like Hitler's watercolors :EVILLE:.
  24. succubus

    succubus Well-Known Member

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    "Joooze"
    "Duhhhhhlishus"
    And my all-time pet peeve: "Expresso"

    It's espresso. Espresso. ESPRESSO! You're the de facto 1st lady of NY and your man is Italian - learn the proper pronunciation of one of the world's most popular caffeinated beverages!!!

    Ugh, now I need a glass of melk. With a shot of vodka or 2, of course.
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  25. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    Hey, be nice! Hitler was a halfway talented painter!
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  26. FiveRinger

    FiveRinger Well-Known Member

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    I think she might have them lined up on her dresser in her boudoir like perfume bottles
  27. Lanie

    Lanie Well-Known Member

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    :rofl:

    I like Rex's version better than the excerpt. Can you be her ghost writer?
  28. Scintillation

    Scintillation New Member

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    OMG if I could rep you I would. :rofl:

    Also, I'm sure this has been posted here before but I feel it is worth revisiting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBntbxAXAY
  29. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

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    No...Sandra would make Ms. Collins and Ms. Steel's books read like award-winning literature, by comparison!
  30. succubus

    succubus Well-Known Member

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    "Ya know....I don't have any black friends...but I HAVE seen Soul Food!"

    I still can't get over how closely that frosting resembles diarrhea.
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  31. Rex

    Rex Well-Known Member

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    And yet, she has CHEF friends and can't cook... :confused:
  32. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

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    Maybe because she gets them joosed up on cocktails like this?
  33. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Her autobiography is "bargain priced" at Amazon. Someone is selling a used copy for 84 cents :rofl:
    http://www.amazon.com/Made-From-Scratch-A-Memoir/dp/B002B55XJK

    Also, according to this story, the first fiction book (with another to come) was supposed to be released this past summer. What happened? Was Nasty Sandy too joosed to dictate her vague ideas to the ghostwriter too busy with all her other wonderful projects to finish her manuscript
  34. Dr.Siouxs

    Dr.Siouxs Well-Known Member

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    :rofl:
  35. escaflowne9282

    escaflowne9282 Well-Known Member

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    I will never forget the the most infamous comment by a reviewer made on the FoodNetwork site concerning her recipe
    " I TOOK SHITS THAT LOOKED BETTER THAN THIS!!!" :rofl:

    Ole Puddin'Cups is now an author. I cannot wait to read the part where the male love interest pops balloons filled with perfume and gets a rash from the pixie stix that have been spread on his sheets.
    I'll read it while devouring a bowl of vanilla ice-cream shaped like a baked potato and covered in soggy discarded pie crusts.
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  36. Scintillation

    Scintillation New Member

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    At school we've decided we're going to get drunk and write a shitty romance/cooking novel to compete with Sandy's masterwork. And since we've decided that she's essentially fallen for the Brawny paper towel man in her book, we're going to include a lot of tangents about how incredibly absorbent Brawny paper towels are. The cover will probably be a smashed vodka bottle with a destroyed angel food cake in the background. There will be romance, intrigue, and plenty of easy DIY recipes that will include either Lipton's onion soup mix, Betty Crocker confetti cake mix, or both. And talk of paper towels.
  37. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Scintillation, please post it!!

    Actually I had forgotten about russipees for Nasty Sandy's "fiction" book. I wonder if it will be like one of these horrible books:

    http://www.laurachilds.com/teashopmys.html

    [and yeah, I know they're horrible because I've read them :shuffle:}
  38. Scintillation

    Scintillation New Member

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    A titillating excerpt:

    "It seemed ages that they stared deeply in to each others eyes, before Sandra remembered what she needed to do. 'Gary, hand me a bowl," she whispered. 'I need to bake this cake.' 'Oh yes,' he purred, 'yes you do.' Gary handed her a bowl and the Betty Crocker funfetti delight box of cake mix. Without looking away, he handed her the necessary spatula and whisk. She couldn't help but think how amazingly erotic this simple act had become. Would he count how many times she whisked the cake before she poured in to the 8" cake pan? Her mind in a haze, she grabbed 2 eggs and some water. Suddenly her mind went blank. 'Oh,' she murmured, 'oh-'
    'Oh don't worry,' Gary said. 'I didn't forget the oil.'
    'Oh thank you,' Sandra sighed. 'But we're also going to need some paper towels. You have no idea where that frosting could end up.'"

    We're gonna need a lot of whiskey for this.
  39. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    :rofl: This is awesome!!!
  40. Simone411

    Simone411 aka IceSkate98

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    That book is about as exciting as a song I remember from the B52's.

    "ummm! How about a Devil's Food cake!"

    "How about a Pineapple Upside Down Cake!"

    "You know, I read where it takes a long time to RISE!"

    "oooh, yeah! Let's get this thing in the oven!" :cool: