Princeton mom: Women have a "shelf life"

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by ilovepaydays, Apr 2, 2013.

  1. vesperholly

    vesperholly Well-Known Member

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    This! I can, at any point in time, decide I want to get a degree, a house, a job, move to another city, lose weight, gain weight, buy some nice clothes ... all these things I can do myself (with time and money). What I can't do is convince another person to ask me out or marry me simply because I want it to happen. It's not like there are 15 eligible bachelors knocking down my door, and I'm all "nooo gentlemen, not until I am older and wiser." Relationships are comprised of two people.
  2. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    I got married while I was in college and wouldn't have kept going had it not been for my husband.

    There are things my husband would not have done had it not been for me.

    I don't think that a lot of people should get married in their early 20s, but it worked out well for us. We were both insecure, but that was okay--we bolstered each other up. And when we changed, we did it together.

    Things work out or don't for all kinds of reasons.
  3. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah my ex-bf and I brought each other down. :lol: There's also insecure with yourself and being insecure being with someone "better" than you.
  4. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    I think her warning is more about smart, educated ladies marrying the WRONG type of man than no man at all.

    My takeaway is that her marriage fell apart and she couldn't deal with it, so the problem was the school her husband went to, not anything to do with their growing apart or (certainly not!!) anything she did. It's telling that she was married when son#1 went to Princeton, and now she's not - I suspect that she started getting more engaged as an alumni parent as her marriage was disintegrating, and some combination of her deciding she had "settled" in choosing a mate, and her desperate reclaiming of her glory days may have hastened the demise of the relationship. Now, the school and her sons are even more important to her.

    Son #2 may still get dates, but can you imagine what any poor girl would have to go through at a meet-the-mom dinner?!? :scream:
  5. VIETgrlTerifa

    VIETgrlTerifa Well-Known Member

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    What's that saying? "No ring by spring, get your money back?"
  6. leesaleesa

    leesaleesa New Member

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    Silly woman. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Always has been, always will be at any age. You needn't settle for a dumbass.

    My cousin has an annoying Facebook friend whose posts end up on my wall on occasion. For all that her PH.D husband has an IQ of 165, (Why is it that everyone who brags about IQ usually says it's 165?) they're miserable and poor, surviving instead of thriving. They apparently spend lots of time condescending to others not of their intellectual ilk instead of using their purported intellect to better their own lives.

    I'd rather a plumber who could pay the bills and fix clogs. Compromising isn't always settling. There are a lot of intelligent people out there who never achieved an Ivy league education. My ex is quite intelligent and educated, but he's also something of a miserable scut who never leaves the house. Yeah, give me a plumber.
  7. heckles

    heckles Well-Known Member

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    Sure, but for every king salmon, you have to sort through 100 chums.
  8. J-Ro

    J-Ro New Member

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    Yes, as one from the Boston area, I can say it would be raise a lot of eyebrows if someone got married before 30! If someone were 22 and wanted to get married, I think the parents would actually try to talk them out of it! That's too young! Actually, I don't think marriage is even on the minds of college women. You don't even know who you are at that age.

    It may also be a factor that the Northeast is the least religious part of the country. There is no socio-religious standard to conform to.

    (For the record, I am a college-educated woman and was 39 when I got married--for the first and hopefully only time. I am still ambivalent about the idea of marriage, although I love my husband very much and very glad we're married. In fact, I broke off one relationship at the age of 25 because my then-boyfriend thought we should get married. He was a great guy, but I didn't want that kind of pressure. I had no clue who I was and I knew I had no clue. However, my mother had brought me up to get an education and be financially independent; she said that having a relationship was extra. There was never any family pressure to get married or have children. I think a lot of women around here grew up like that.)
  9. quartz

    quartz Point of Know Return

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    For some of us, there are most definitely NOT plenty of fish in the sea. I had one guy in my entire life ever take notice of me. I just got real lucky and he was the one. Not all women have countless guys lined up to pick and choose from.
  10. J-Ro

    J-Ro New Member

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    I should add that in the Northeast, we are the oldest upon first marriage; we also have the lowest divorce rate. It would seem that people who marry in their 30s or later for the first time know who they are and who they want in a partner and are likely to understand what type of person really suits them. I think people at this age probably have a better understanding of how to deal with relationships also.

    With this in mind, I find it interesting that the crazy Princeton mother married young and is now divorced--and I doubt it had anything to do with the fact that her ex-husband did not go to Princeton. They likely grew apart and realized they just weren't compatible, just like many people who marry young. Marrying someone from an Ivy League school does not guarantee a good relationship.
  11. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    Nothing guarantees a good relationship. As I've said before, if you want a guarantee, stay away from people and buy an appliance at Sears.
  12. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    I lurve my Kenmore vacuum. :swoon:
  13. dinakt

    dinakt Well-Known Member

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    One of the smartest people I've ever met is a plumber ( one of my husband's best friends). He is a true intellectual, he just chose not to get a formal education.
    I think having a somewhat similar outlook on life is often important in a marriage, but it has nothing to do with degrees. And there are exceptions to everything in human relationships.
  14. dinakt

    dinakt Well-Known Member

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  15. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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  16. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Port de bras!!!

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    I don't disagree with the idea that one should aim to marry one's intellectual equal. I just don't see why it has to be done in college. If one is graduating from an Ivy League, chances are good that one would encounter other prestigious university grads in the course of one's career and social life. Getting married while in college is not for everyone, not everyone is ready for a serious, hopefully lifelong commitment.
  17. snoopysnake

    snoopysnake Well-Known Member

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    This is true, but another thing that is true is that you may have to wait a very long time to find the right fish, but it can happen. I was very lonely until I met the love of my life at age 47. We married three years later. He is two years younger than me and went to grad school at my undergrad alma mater, where I took several graduate level courses in my junior and senior years, and we had the same major, but the timing was off such that our paths never crossed before. I am proof that there is hope to meet the right one in one's 40's (or later.)
  18. leesaleesa

    leesaleesa New Member

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    I don't wait for men to line up and notice me, but approach the ones I'm interested in. If they say no, big deal. Move on. There's more than enough to go around. It seems very sad that you have the attitude that you got lucky because one man finally noticed you.
  19. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Well, there ARE women who have men lining up to date them because they are beautiful, nice, and very un-intimidating (the last is a HUGE factor!). I only know one, so they are very very rare. :lol:

    But most women are not so "lucky." (Believe me, my friend would rather not have guys seeing her on the street stalk her back to her apartment!) And for a lot of men, a woman who takes charge can be very attractive! I had to :lol: reading Josh Holloway's story of meeting his wife. She's definitely not a looker of Josh's caliber (at least by most people's standards, I bet), but she saw him at a club, demanded his phone number and refused to give him hers. :rofl: I wish I had her chutzpah, but that's definitely NOT me! And unfortunately, there aren't a lot of examples out there of modelesque men married to plain-looking women. But it's not impossible.

    I've had friends who wondered why I was single for so long, but for me it was a combination of being a shy introverted hermit and being smarter than most men I came across. :p Most men, even in the US, don't like the last characteristic in particular. I've met only one man who wasn't threatened by it (and even encourages further education), and I'm marrying him in two weeks, haha.
    My sister and I would be SCREWED if we were in China. :rofl:
  20. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    The sex ratio among marriageable aged people in China is 120 males to every 100 females. With those odds, you'd surely be screwed, although maybe not in the same sense of the word :p.
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  21. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    :rofl:
  22. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    You did read the NYTimes article that was posted earlier, no?

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/b...a-new-matchmaking-markets.html?pagewanted=all

    Both stories made me :wall:, but especially the second one. Most men simply do not want a wife who is more intelligent and more capable than they are. Even if there are no women to go around.

    Plus my sister and I are not pale, and I don't have double eyelids. :p I'd probably have to make do with a migrant worker, and then I'd have no luck because I'd make more money than him. :rofl:
  23. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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  24. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    I didn't say you'd get married.

    But if we're going to be all humorless and serious about it, how many women want to marry a man who is less intelligent and capable? Same coin, different sides.
  25. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    Tons of women marry men who are less intelligent and capable. (Mrs. Robert Caro comes to mind, although the gap there isn't great.) Traditionally, they had to hide that they were and often still do.
  26. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    I didn't ask how many did it; I asked how many want to.

    But I am glad to know that that tons of women do so; that means that tons of men marry women who are smarter and more capable, rather putting paid to the whole idea that men don't like such things. You can hide a lot of things from the world, but it's pretty hard to hide brains and capability from a spouse.
  27. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    My Kenmore vacuum is very capable, best sucker upper I ever had.
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  28. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I don't think any Chinese man wants to touch my non-double-eyelided body with a 10-ft pole. :rofl:

    No idea about the second point, but it doesn't seem like there's a huge cultural stigma toward it. Even my parents didn't bat an eyelid when I told them Alf quit his job and was freelancing.

    They were probably happy someone took their too-smart daughter off the market. :rofl:
  29. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    I know plenty of Chinese women who are married who don't have double eyelids...
  30. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Married to Chinese men? ;)

    I kid, I'm sure there are. But having a double-eyelid is usually the trait that is sought out, not the other way around. Even in the US among my ABC social group, there are multiple women who have had the double eyelid surgery done....
  31. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Port de bras!!!

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    They do on occasion. I know two women like that, one went to Harvard and one to Princeton. Not sure how common this is.
  32. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    Word. I actually AM a bit rah-rah about my (rather prestigious in its own way) undergraduate university, as we have a rather strong identity as a student body, if not about my grad school (which despite having half the same name is completely opposite) but just because someone is not shouting their head off about their school (let alone their IVY! LEAGUE! SCHOOL!) does not mean they don't care about it. My mother went to UofM through dental school back when that was a major deal for a woman (I think she was one of only two women in her dental school course) and I don't think she's been in Ann Arbor in years, she doesn't follow the sports teams, and she doesn't go around constantly reminding people where she went to university.

    I don't know that school rep being equal is important in a relationship, but I think educational or at least intellectual (not necessarily reflected in educational record) compatibility is important.
  33. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    Most of the women I know wanted to marry their spouse, most of the women I know are more intelligent (in most ways) than their husbands, and some are more capable than their husbands. So while it might not be on anyone's theoretical paper list of what they want, it doesn't seem to matter in terms of the trade-offs, attractions, and emotions.
  34. quartz

    quartz Point of Know Return

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    Yes, I understand that my attitude may seem sad to you, but that is my reality. My childhood circumstances left me with the belief that I was unworthy of love and my self esteem has been pretty much zero for most of my life. It is only in the last couple of years that I have been able to successfully battle through my depression and sense of worthlessness and am actually developing a bit of self confidence. The bitterness and anger of my past will always be with me, but I am finally stronger than the pain.
    I am happy for you that you have self confidence and a sense of value; perhaps some day I will too.:)
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  35. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    Is that what you got from the second story? Cause what I got was most men don't want to marry a control freak asshat who wants to make sure everyone knows who's got the power in the relationship any more than most women would (er...wouldn't?).
  36. quartz

    quartz Point of Know Return

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    snoopysnake, that is lovely story and I am so happy that you found your someone special. I hope you have many wonderful years together. :):)
    And Southpaw, you keep on lovin' your Kenmore! Mine is a cute little lime green canister, it's the only brand of vacuum I will ever buy! Loyalty and commitment; its the only way to be! ;)
  37. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    What I got is that this guy didn't want someone who didn't at least make him think he was in charge. Being married to someone who puts his/her cards on the table isn't always Rebecca telling Max de Winter what's what: it's the way most arranged marriages are done, although usually the intermediaries do the negotiating.
  38. Prancer

    Prancer Ray Chill Staff Member

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    So by virtue of where they went to school, they are smarter and more capable than their spouses? Or are you just saying that they went to more prestigious schools and thus "married down"?

    Smarter in what way? Capable in what way? How do you assess such things?

    Most of the married couples I know have a balance between smarts and abilities, where each partner has strengths and weaknesses. I can think of only one couple where there is an overt and noticeable imbalance. I can think of several couples where it appears that one is a lot smarter or capable than the other, but that's because one is always more extraverted and out there than the other. Underneath it all, they're pretty much even, just different.

    I always seem to know very different people than most of the posters on this board.
  39. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    The Chinese culture can be very...direct. :lol: In other more traditional matters, communication can be very obtuse, but most of my relatives have no qualms about telling someone to their face that they've gained weight. :lol: (Except when you're Caucasian. Then they talk about it behind your back. :p )

    I did have an aunt who was disappointed I didn't marry a rich doctor at the research hospital I've been working at for 6 years. :p So, yes, in some cultures, it certainly isn't unusual to ask for exactly what you're looking for. Even if it has nothing to do with personality or compatibility.
  40. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    What I mean is, on paper. Of course it is absolutely normal for partners to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, and for career successes to switch between the two partners. Just because one partner graduated from an Ivy League doesn't mean they're geniuses about everything, but on paper, that's how it looks to society. And for a lot of people, that's still very important.

    I know very few couples where the woman has more degrees than the male partner. (And in all cases, the man still makes more money. :p) The happy relationships in that aspect, are ones which are vastly untraditional in terms of power structure. There's bound to be animosity when the wife wants to go to medical school, but the husband wants her to stay home and take care of the kids and clean the house...