Princeton mom: Women have a "shelf life"

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by ilovepaydays, Apr 2, 2013.

  1. julieann

    julieann Well-Known Member

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    It's just one woman's opinion, I'm not sure why anyone is taking her so seriously.

    There was an article in the 80's that said if your not married by 25 (?) your changes of getting married was cut in half. What a bunch of drivel. To each his own, what works (or didn't work) for her won't be the same experience as everyone else.
     
  2. susan6

    susan6 Well-Known Member

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    You know, I thought I was perfectly happy not being married. I've never wanted children so I don't really have much motivation to get married. But thanks to Princeton lady, I realize that I should be slitting my wrists right now, because my happiness is supposed to depend on what kind of man I marry. Good to know. Off to find a razor.
     
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  3. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Well-Known Member

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    I wonder if some of this depends on where you live. I recently went to a cousins wedding (she was 31) and my friends were all SHOCKED it was her first wedding because "she's GORGEOUS, smart, and nice". They couldn't believe she hadn't been married sooner. But she lives in the Northeast. I don't think it is really common for 22-23 year olds to get married there. Like me, a huge portion of my friends got married upon graduation. In Texas- that is really really common. Most of my friends who weren't married out of college, still aren't married (we're about 31 now), though a few have gotten married this year, mostly ones who left the state for careers.


    So to see this attitude from a Princeton graduate is weird, becasue I don't expect it from the region. But in my experience the MRS degree is alive and well in Texas, though I think -most- women don't go to college ONLY for that.
     
  4. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    But do you have low self-esteem? Do you want a partner who also has low self-esteem? It's one thing to be unsure of your future, it's another to feel like a failure. When you have low self-esteem, your real personality doesn't shine through, because you're too busy worrying about what other people think of you. My college bf in particular, could change his personality completely depending on who he was with and I never did get a good handle on what he was really like. He's on a completely different life path than I ever expected, because he's more confident with himself and what he wants.

    I'm much more okay with myself at 29 than I was at 22. I'm much better at vocalizing what I want and need, even if I'm unsure about it. I'm okay with the fact that I'm an introvert. That's actually a huge one for me, because a lot of college was me wondering if there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go out.

    Self-esteem in particular, is not helped by having a partner. I was a jealous beeeyotch to my college bf because of my low self-esteem, even though I guess I should have been excited since he was my first bf ever. Instead, I was afraid of losing him. Nobody would be lining up to marry or even date into that. :lol:

    Right. We were all pretty immature back in college. I say this as someone who's always been mistaken for five years older. I'm sure a lot of the guys I went to school with are catches now, and actually, most of the "alumni" marriages from my school come from alumni meeting AFTER they've graduated. :lol:
     
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  5. heckles

    heckles Well-Known Member

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    Part of your increased self-acceptance could be stemming from the fact that the people around you aren't hassling you as much about your introversion. Society assumes that college students of traditional age who aren't extroverted are mentally damaged in some way. Introversion isn't exactly celebrated at 29, but there's more acceptance for it.
     
  6. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Actually nobody really hassled me. I come from a family of introverts so it certainly isn't unusual in my circle. It was mostly pressure from myself, since I'd see people party and wonder why I wouldn't want to join in. And when I did go, I never really enjoyed it. And I didn't have peers who pressured me. My college bf was actually an extrovert with social anxiety, which is...difficult to navigate. :lol: But he never made me feel bad. Like with most things back then, it was a self-induced pressure.

    And then I read "Introvert Advantage" in senior year and it made SO MUCH SENSE. :lol:
     
  7. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    My takeaway from this is that that she was either bullied/ridiculed by the husband into giving up all that Princeton "nonsense" or that she self-sensored, and that's what she resents more than the fact at he didn't go to a fancy college. If he painted his body and went to every football game about his "no-name" brand college, they would have had more in common, values-wise, because then she could have donned tiger paraphenalia to her heart's content.

    It's also possible that he disapproved because he was intimidated by her degree and needed to put her down, which is a huge issue. My ex's father was a professor and thesis sponsor for scores of women, and he had never-ending stories of how the husbands would undermine them, especially the minority women, because a PhD would put the wives so much ahead. If this were the basis of his derision, then she's right that she'd have been happier with someone who didn't hold her education against her.

    I can't imagine being with someone who was all rah-rah about their college/university, but I went to a school that prided itself on its ironic attitude, at least when I was there decades ago. (Of course, if my constant :rolleyes: didn't bother him, and we were otherwise compatible, I'd help him paint his back.)

    There aren't many times in life that people find themselves living away from home for an extended period for the first time when they don't have to support themselves in full while experiencing it and have plenty of time on their hands and the ability to experiment with different personas, behavior, and situations. While this certainly isn't true of all college students, it is true of many, and the sharp learning curve in a consensed period of time, for better or worse, is, I think, what people are talking about, not that growth or change doesn't happen through out life. I'm the poster child for lethargy, but picked up and moved away from almost all of my family and friends at 37 and moved countries at 52, and understand that things don't have to be static, but none of these changes were comparable to the things I was exposed to during college.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2013
  8. manhn

    manhn Well-Known Member

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    For all we know, the "no name, no respect" college the husband went to was Harvard. I'm siding with the husband. I don't even know my school's colours, let alone have any desire painting them on my body.
     
  9. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Seriously. :rofl:

    And she really did just paint a huge "DON'T DATE ME" sign on her younger son's back. Nightmare future MIL, for sure! :scream:
     
  10. heckles

    heckles Well-Known Member

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    Aging alumni who show up on campus every chance they can get in their XXL school sweatshirts and baseball caps, yammering away to the young students about some pizza place that isn't there anymore, are pretty annoying. The schools put up with them because occasionally they cough up some cash. Maybe your employer cares that you're a 1986 graduate of University of North Dakota but, really, few others do.
     
  11. vesperholly

    vesperholly Well-Known Member

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    This! I can, at any point in time, decide I want to get a degree, a house, a job, move to another city, lose weight, gain weight, buy some nice clothes ... all these things I can do myself (with time and money). What I can't do is convince another person to ask me out or marry me simply because I want it to happen. It's not like there are 15 eligible bachelors knocking down my door, and I'm all "nooo gentlemen, not until I am older and wiser." Relationships are comprised of two people.
     
  12. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    I got married while I was in college and wouldn't have kept going had it not been for my husband.

    There are things my husband would not have done had it not been for me.

    I don't think that a lot of people should get married in their early 20s, but it worked out well for us. We were both insecure, but that was okay--we bolstered each other up. And when we changed, we did it together.

    Things work out or don't for all kinds of reasons.
     
  13. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah my ex-bf and I brought each other down. :lol: There's also insecure with yourself and being insecure being with someone "better" than you.
     
  14. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    I think her warning is more about smart, educated ladies marrying the WRONG type of man than no man at all.

    My takeaway is that her marriage fell apart and she couldn't deal with it, so the problem was the school her husband went to, not anything to do with their growing apart or (certainly not!!) anything she did. It's telling that she was married when son#1 went to Princeton, and now she's not - I suspect that she started getting more engaged as an alumni parent as her marriage was disintegrating, and some combination of her deciding she had "settled" in choosing a mate, and her desperate reclaiming of her glory days may have hastened the demise of the relationship. Now, the school and her sons are even more important to her.

    Son #2 may still get dates, but can you imagine what any poor girl would have to go through at a meet-the-mom dinner?!? :scream:
     
  15. VIETgrlTerifa

    VIETgrlTerifa Well-Known Member

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    What's that saying? "No ring by spring, get your money back?"
     
  16. leesaleesa

    leesaleesa Active Member

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    Silly woman. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Always has been, always will be at any age. You needn't settle for a dumbass.

    My cousin has an annoying Facebook friend whose posts end up on my wall on occasion. For all that her PH.D husband has an IQ of 165, (Why is it that everyone who brags about IQ usually says it's 165?) they're miserable and poor, surviving instead of thriving. They apparently spend lots of time condescending to others not of their intellectual ilk instead of using their purported intellect to better their own lives.

    I'd rather a plumber who could pay the bills and fix clogs. Compromising isn't always settling. There are a lot of intelligent people out there who never achieved an Ivy league education. My ex is quite intelligent and educated, but he's also something of a miserable scut who never leaves the house. Yeah, give me a plumber.
     
  17. heckles

    heckles Well-Known Member

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    Sure, but for every king salmon, you have to sort through 100 chums.
     
  18. J-Ro

    J-Ro Member

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    Yes, as one from the Boston area, I can say it would be raise a lot of eyebrows if someone got married before 30! If someone were 22 and wanted to get married, I think the parents would actually try to talk them out of it! That's too young! Actually, I don't think marriage is even on the minds of college women. You don't even know who you are at that age.

    It may also be a factor that the Northeast is the least religious part of the country. There is no socio-religious standard to conform to.

    (For the record, I am a college-educated woman and was 39 when I got married--for the first and hopefully only time. I am still ambivalent about the idea of marriage, although I love my husband very much and very glad we're married. In fact, I broke off one relationship at the age of 25 because my then-boyfriend thought we should get married. He was a great guy, but I didn't want that kind of pressure. I had no clue who I was and I knew I had no clue. However, my mother had brought me up to get an education and be financially independent; she said that having a relationship was extra. There was never any family pressure to get married or have children. I think a lot of women around here grew up like that.)
     
  19. quartz

    quartz Point of Know Return

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    For some of us, there are most definitely NOT plenty of fish in the sea. I had one guy in my entire life ever take notice of me. I just got real lucky and he was the one. Not all women have countless guys lined up to pick and choose from.
     
  20. J-Ro

    J-Ro Member

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    I should add that in the Northeast, we are the oldest upon first marriage; we also have the lowest divorce rate. It would seem that people who marry in their 30s or later for the first time know who they are and who they want in a partner and are likely to understand what type of person really suits them. I think people at this age probably have a better understanding of how to deal with relationships also.

    With this in mind, I find it interesting that the crazy Princeton mother married young and is now divorced--and I doubt it had anything to do with the fact that her ex-husband did not go to Princeton. They likely grew apart and realized they just weren't compatible, just like many people who marry young. Marrying someone from an Ivy League school does not guarantee a good relationship.
     
  21. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    Nothing guarantees a good relationship. As I've said before, if you want a guarantee, stay away from people and buy an appliance at Sears.
     
  22. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    I lurve my Kenmore vacuum. :swoon:
     
  23. dinakt

    dinakt Well-Known Member

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    One of the smartest people I've ever met is a plumber ( one of my husband's best friends). He is a true intellectual, he just chose not to get a formal education.
    I think having a somewhat similar outlook on life is often important in a marriage, but it has nothing to do with degrees. And there are exceptions to everything in human relationships.
     
  24. dinakt

    dinakt Well-Known Member

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  25. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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  26. IceAlisa

    IceAlisa Port de bras!!!

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    I don't disagree with the idea that one should aim to marry one's intellectual equal. I just don't see why it has to be done in college. If one is graduating from an Ivy League, chances are good that one would encounter other prestigious university grads in the course of one's career and social life. Getting married while in college is not for everyone, not everyone is ready for a serious, hopefully lifelong commitment.
     
  27. snoopysnake

    snoopysnake Well-Known Member

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    This is true, but another thing that is true is that you may have to wait a very long time to find the right fish, but it can happen. I was very lonely until I met the love of my life at age 47. We married three years later. He is two years younger than me and went to grad school at my undergrad alma mater, where I took several graduate level courses in my junior and senior years, and we had the same major, but the timing was off such that our paths never crossed before. I am proof that there is hope to meet the right one in one's 40's (or later.)
     
  28. leesaleesa

    leesaleesa Active Member

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    I don't wait for men to line up and notice me, but approach the ones I'm interested in. If they say no, big deal. Move on. There's more than enough to go around. It seems very sad that you have the attitude that you got lucky because one man finally noticed you.
     
  29. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Well, there ARE women who have men lining up to date them because they are beautiful, nice, and very un-intimidating (the last is a HUGE factor!). I only know one, so they are very very rare. :lol:

    But most women are not so "lucky." (Believe me, my friend would rather not have guys seeing her on the street stalk her back to her apartment!) And for a lot of men, a woman who takes charge can be very attractive! I had to :lol: reading Josh Holloway's story of meeting his wife. She's definitely not a looker of Josh's caliber (at least by most people's standards, I bet), but she saw him at a club, demanded his phone number and refused to give him hers. :rofl: I wish I had her chutzpah, but that's definitely NOT me! And unfortunately, there aren't a lot of examples out there of modelesque men married to plain-looking women. But it's not impossible.

    I've had friends who wondered why I was single for so long, but for me it was a combination of being a shy introverted hermit and being smarter than most men I came across. :p Most men, even in the US, don't like the last characteristic in particular. I've met only one man who wasn't threatened by it (and even encourages further education), and I'm marrying him in two weeks, haha.
    My sister and I would be SCREWED if we were in China. :rofl:
     
  30. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    The sex ratio among marriageable aged people in China is 120 males to every 100 females. With those odds, you'd surely be screwed, although maybe not in the same sense of the word :p.
     
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