Online dating

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Ajax, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    Marry another introvert. Mine is outside enjoying his solitary car washing and lawn grooming and I am sitting here with FSU and a cup of coffee and we are very happy with that.

    Every relationship I ever had before him was an extrovert. Magnetic big personalities--extreme extroverts. And I would be so into them and then, very quickly, they would exhaust me and I'd just want to go home. Until I met my husband (through a friend), and while it took awhile for me to be into him, he did not ever exhaust me. And he was exactly what I needed.
     
  2. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah honesty is always the best policy when it comes to these things, especially when it involves your mood. People can misinterpret that.

    I guess I was so used to my parents being introverts, that it never occurred to me that I should be able to bother them whenever and to take offense if they wanted to be left alone.
     
  3. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    She knows her dad decompresses after work; she need decompression time herself, maybe even more than he does.

    But as I said, this was time critical, as in, she was going to have to go face the demon before her dad was ready to face her. I told her at five that she needed to eat something because she had to leave in 30 minutes, and she burst into tears.

    So it's not a matter of her not understanding his moods or insisting on intruding on his space right then because she thinks she's the center of the universe; it's a matter of she needed something right then whatever his mood happened to be.

    I don't consider that selfish of her; that's life. It wasn't selfish of him, either; he just couldn't deal with her right then.

    And no, I don't think I should have explained to her that I was not on her dad's side, or that I disagree with the way he was handling things. Not a good idea.

    But things like that happen, and not just with kids. You can't always have everything and everyone work around your mood, and you can't always withdraw in the face of other people's needs; OTOH, you can't dismiss someone else's need for space as a "mood" because it's a real need and it's one that must be taken into account. If I need company right now and you need alone time right now, that's a conflict--and neither party is wrong, it's just the way it is. And it happens to everyone to varying degrees.

    I think that happens a lot when introverts marry introverts. You need space, you get space, but it's easy to get too much space without realizing it. I know a lot of introvert couples (lots of science types) who end up divorced after 25 years because there is no there there any more.

    Extraverts I know end up driving each other crazy because there is no space at all.

    Sometimes I think my SIL is on to something with that duplex thing :p.
     
  4. PRlady

    PRlady aspiring tri-national

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    When my ex-husband and I were dating, he pointed to a couple we knew. He, a wealthy guy, had built his significant other a house of her own...in his backyard, so to speak. (Yes, I know it sounds like a doghouse but this was a big lot with two nice houses on it.) Why, my ex asked me in all seriousness, couldn't we do something like that?

    In my late thirties I was so astounded and offended by that idea. Now I think it's the perfect solution :shuffle: Of course, I'm now the age my ex was when he suggested that!
     
  5. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    Okay, I just took a double plunge and signed up for plentyoffish as well. Why couldn't this have already happened for me so I wouldn't have to do this? :lol:
     
  6. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    That's essentially what happened in my marriage. Two introverted people living in a 600 ft. apartment is not a good combination. Then when I actually needed him to be attentive when I was sick I think he actually had no idea how.

    I've never tries internet dating as I have zero need for a relationship at the moment but I can't see myself ever trying it. I think I need the face to face, it's too easy to misinterpret people over the internet.
     
    Prancer and (deleted member) like this.
  7. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.

    I think it is probably polite to say "hello, thanks for your interest, no thank you", but somehow I don't want to deal with any negative reaction they may have. Been there, done that.
     
  8. Debbie S

    Debbie S Well-Known Member

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    That's generally what everyone does - not reply. Don't worry about it - you're going to get a lot of weird messages.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Ajax

    Ajax Well-Known Member

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    I don't reply if I'm not interested. They're strangers anyway, who cares if it's rude.

    I had my first date through the website this weekend and it was very successful :) so I'm excited. Of course now I'm into the did he have fun, is he going to call, what does it mean that he said this or that etc analysis part which I hate :D

    I did get two creepy/weird messages this weekend. One guy wrote to me that if I want a boyfriend who won't cheat on me, I shouldn't talk to him (and I'd never talked to him so I'm not sure what precipitated this random admonishment! :lol:). And creepier, one guy wrote that he recognized me on the subway, mentioning the stop where I live, and said that I'm gorgeous. That one is kind of worrisome :(
     
  10. bobalina77

    bobalina77 Duck Hunter

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    I didn't reply if I wasn't interested. Like I said.. I had one guy tear a strip off me because I didn't reply to him. I was like.. whoa.. red flag right there lol! If you reply to every person who writes it gets a little ridiculous I think.
     
  11. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I know on Match, you can click a button that automatically sends the person a polite "ding" letter - "thanks but no thanks." However, I later learned on one of those Match community boards that it's considered impolite by many to send that ding letter b/c it rubs your lack of interest in their face!
     
  12. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I think I'll just not reply, and if they persist, block them.

    I appreciate the advice! :)
     
  13. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    That's when you tell him what you need. :) When I was sick (this was for months since I was slow in recovering from stomach flu) my bf asked specifically what he could do to help.

    And it isn't like introvert bfs don't care. They do. They just doesn't know what to do, so you have to tell them. :)

    Again, I was familiar with this because of my dad. When he's upset, he doesn't show it publicly nor does he tell anyone about it. But when my mom was sick and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, my sister said he scared her sometimes because he'd go into his study and just scream. Otherwise he'd be just stoic, but in that instance, he couldn't take it anymore.

    Yeah, that happened to me too. :lol: For many sites, you can block users as well. I've done that several times. :p
     
  14. susan6

    susan6 Well-Known Member

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    I've considered trying online dating, but it seems like a lot of work. I'm introverted too and while it would be nice to occasionally have someone there (especially going on vacations and things), I do need my space. I don't even have a facebook account because I don't want a bunch of people I barely know contacting me and showing off their random pictures. With the safety issues about online dating and stories of creepy emails and random strangers PO'd if you don't reply, I'll need to set up a special email account for this and then find some pictures to post and put together a profile. How much work do you put into your profile?
     
  15. mashenka82

    mashenka82 New Member

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    I did the online dating thing for a little bit a few years ago, and I agree that it's better not to send anything. Usually, you'll send a couple of letters to people, and normally a few days later you forget about the email, so it's just a mean reminder a few days later if you get a ding.
     
  16. mashenka82

    mashenka82 New Member

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    I did the online dating thing very briefly as it wasn't the right time for me. But I didn't encounter too many weirdos, and those that I did encounter, I nixed very quickly online.

    As for how much effort this takes? Quite a bit. Your profile is very important, so I would put a lot of thought into it because this is what people will see and use to decide if you are a match and if they should contact you and explore further. It also takes time and effort to go through other people's profiles and decide if they are a match for you. When I joined, I didn't quite realize the effort this would require because you have to sort through people, chat with them online, chat on teh phone, meet up for coffee, etc., all the while working or going to school and hanging out with your friends. So it's a time consuming process, which I didn't realize and which is why it wasn't the right time for me.
     
  17. PrincessLeppard

    PrincessLeppard Pink Bitch

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    What mash said. I did set up a separate email account for it--didn't want all that stuff coming into my regular email.

    It does take some work, because a lot of guys write to all new women, without even reading the profile. You will get lots of copied and pasted emails--they are easy enough to figure out because usually you will realize you have zero in common with them. My profile says don't even bother to write if you aren't going to mention something in what I've said, but that still assumes the person has bothered to read what I wrote.

    I've been told by a straight guy that my profile was too long and too picky. But trust, it wasn't stopping the flow of emails that were coming in... :scream:

    I did go on two nice dates that led to nothing, but then school started and it just got to be too much work.

    There are nice guys on there, but it's work to find them. But I suppose if the right one pops up, then it's worth it. :)
     
  18. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    I think I'm starting to spot the cut and paste ones already. I didn't realize a lot of guys blindly email new women on the site but that would explain a few responses I already got. :/
     
  19. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    :lol: They're usually the first ones to respond, since I think there's a "new members" link on most sites.

    Meh, it wasn't all that much work for me. Although I made the dreadful mistake of posting a relatively witty personal ad on Craigslist (yeah, I know) and got 400 emails in 24 hours. :rofl: Fishing through THAT was exhausting. :yikes:

    And after all that, I only went on about 5 dates and went nowhere. :lol: When I finally met the guy who would become my bf, I was only checking Plentyoffish once every two weeks when I had some time. It worked out for us because we contact each other intermittently anyway. Only a crazy stalker guy would expect a response within a day, I think.
     
  20. Ziggy

    Ziggy Well-Known Member

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    Oh my god, you arranged a date during a GP event... BURN THE INFIDEL! :lynch:

    Kruss - I also don't reply if I'm not interested. As you've written on that community board, letting people know "I'm not interested" just rubs it up in their face. They already get the point, if they just don't hear back from you. ;)
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  21. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    Oh, I told him, first subtly then not-so-subtly. I realize that it's not easy for the caregivers either when someone is sick but he still refused to do any cleaning around the house, do things like install a ceiling fan (I had to do it which wiped me out for two days) and whined about having to clean the litter box (I wasn't allowed). His best friend told him that he was treating me like crap, his response was basically meh. He cared and was worried about me but had no idea how to practically show it. I have never felt so alone in my life, he wouldn't even come to chemo with me because there's needles there :wall:
     
  22. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, that sounds lame. :lynch: My dad and sister hate needles as well, but at least they would show up in person and look away when the IV went in.

    I certainly would have pointed out how installing a ceiling fan isn't helping my healing process. :p My bf admitted he missed going out to restaurants when I was sick and unable to eat anything aside from apples and ginger tea, but he didn't mention it when I was actually feeling ill.

    That doesn't just sound introverted, that sounds (maybe inadvertently, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) selfish, completely clueless, and clearly not ready for the responsibility of being with another person.
     
  23. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    Okay, now I KNOW they don't all read the profiles. I just got 'winked' at by someone who clearly didn't pay attention.

    He wants: 18-45 years old (I'm 46), he wants slender (I clearly state I'm BBW), he "definitely" wants kids, I clearly state I don't.

    Buh-bye

    :lol:
     
  24. Bailey_

    Bailey_ Guest

    Oh yeah, there are lots of guys who don't read the profiles and it is very obvious when they send their "fishing" email - "I read your profile I want to talk with you." Seriously, if you read my profile mention something that we have in common to start some conversation (not done because that would take more than 10 seconds) and don't email me if you don't live in my province or we have nothing in common. Seriously, I used to laugh at the guys who would contact me from the states - the farthest person who ever contacted me was from Italy. Now, I'd love to meet someone and move to Italy but it's a little hard to meet for a date if I live in Canada and he lives in Italy. Duh!

    My favorite thing to do was to go to the "intimate encounters" section and see which men who had contacted me were also on that list. Scary...
     
  25. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    This is turning into a rather amusing experience; I've been providing my friends with daily funny stories of online dating sites.

    Today I read a profile from a guy who described his musical tastes by saying he's "not into wrap". I bet the Hallmark people will be upset to know that. :lol:
     
  26. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    Misspelling and grammatical errors like that would be a complete turn off for me. I don't think I could date a poor speller.
     
  27. zaphyre14

    zaphyre14 Well-Known Member

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    I'm dipping a tentative toe into plentyoffish, more out of curiosity than anything else. So far the results have been underwhelming.

    Lates response is from a guy half my age looking to be "mentored and nurtured." I don't think so, bud.
     
  28. Norlite

    Norlite New Member

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    "Are you my Mother?"
     
  29. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    You do have to somewhat lower your standards, but that depends on what your standards are. ;)

    When I first met my bf, it was more like, "meh" but I didn't have anything better to do with my time so I figured I might as well go out with this guy. He seemed nice enough, and not outwardly insane. :rofl:

    One of my professors in college met her husband through speed dating. She kept on saying no to prospectives during the session but finally decided to stop being so picky (like, he didn't reeeaaally have to like the same kind of music she did) and the next guy she said yes to, she eventually married. :lol:
     
  30. zaphyre14

    zaphyre14 Well-Known Member

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    My standards aren't that high - employed, breathing and wifeless about covers it. Hair is a plus. :)

    In the first two weeks, I can't seem to get two out of three. Mr. Looking for Mom was the best of the lot.