Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Ajax, Jul 19, 2010.
My sister-in-law recommends a duplex.
Usually I really like my alone time, but I was very glad last night that my bf was around. There was a HONKING GIANT COCKROACH on the living room wall and even though my first reaction was to stay as far away from it as possible, my bf insisted on letting it outside. So he (and the kitten) chased it around the room while I was running away from it, being quite useless. He eventually got it outside and I clapped.
Bf and I (who have COMPLETELY different sleep schedules) are doing okay right now, although we only see each other on weekends currently. He sleeps in my room while I work downstairs in the living room. As far as I know, as long as you don't have a studio, there's plenty of space for the both of us.
My old office was pretty good for that, lots of people my age - including guys, which was a nice "safe" space to be around guys but not have the pressure of trying to date them (there was only one I dated, and that was after he no longer worked there ). It was great because I could socialize within reason at work, then go home and be alone.
Then I got transferred to a different, smaller office, where I only see the same 2-3 women on a daily basis, and they're all much older than me. I like them, but it is soooo boring socially.
Oh, I don't think that's true for everyone at all. When I was first married, I found that living in 1000 sq. ft. was pretty suffocating at times, and I know my husband did as well. Sometimes just having another person in your general space can be too much.
We're both more introverted than extraverted and we do what introverts who live together do--we've both carved out alone time and most of the time, that works out fine. Sometimes one of us doesn't want to be alone during one of the other's alone time, and that can be a bit of conflict, but most of the time, we are comfortable with the other needing alone time.
But then there are times like today. My husband has been working with people all day, something he is not used to doing, and comes home people-d out; he always need decompression time after work, but sometimes he needs it more than others. Today, he came home early because he was beyond people'd out, positively radiating "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME." Normally, this would be fine; I understand this very well, don't take it personally, and have no trouble at all avoiding him, especially since I know that I won't enjoy his company if I don't. I know he would actually prefer to not have anyone in the house at all, and I left for a while to give him that space.
But the problem with living with other people is that sometimes your need to be alone conflicts with others' need to have you involved in something, and so it is today. My daughter is having a crisis, which was precipitated and perpetuated by my husband. I have disagreed with his handling of this issue from the start, but I agreed to keep my mouth shut, go along with it, and see how things unfold.
So there is my daughter, weeping, and refusing to talk to her dad because from her perspective, he is the problem, and there is my husband, who is in no shape to deal with people at all, much less an emotional crisis, and then there is me, who doesn't want to deal with the situation because I feel very much that it is something the two of them need to work out with each other. And I know that if I go to him when he is hunkered down like this, he will a) try to refuse to deal with it at all; b) when pressed, try to delegate the matter to me and; c) when a and b don't work, will make some knee-jerk decision just because he just can't deal with it all right now and needs to have us go away. And I didn't know that already, well, I would now, because that is exactly what has been happening since this started a couple of hours ago.
I get that he really can't deal with this right now until he has had some time alone to decompress. But unfortunately for all involved, this is pretty time critical.
So--we're all three flaming mad at each other at the moment and I am emerging from this as the bad guy for both of them because I am trying not to intrude too much on him (enraging my daughter, who wants me to mediate for her) but I refuse to take over and handle this myself (enraging my husband, who wants me to mediate for him).
Things like this don't happen often, but they do happen. And I would think that the more introverted you are, the more often you will find your need to be alone in conflict with the need to participate, and the harder it is to deal with such instances.
(((((Prancer and family))))))) I need time to decompress just after reading that. Sometimes I find my cats too needy, I don't do to well living with people.
And my mum and her friend are coming for 5 days tomorrow, and both staying at my place. I have a big place, but still two people at once . I'm glad to see my mum, but 5 days will be long enough sharing the same house.
Eeuuuuugh sounds messy.
I don't recall this ever happening in our family of introverts, though. Or maybe I've forgotten them, which bodes well for your daughter in the end.
Not particularly, no; it's just life, and is really very mild as family conflicts go. No one is pregnant, doing drugs, dropping out of school, etc.
My daughter will not remember anything like the above; what she will remember is that her dad forced her into something she didn't want to do that she hates even more than she expected and her mom wouldn't take her side, even though she actually spoke up (which she rarely does--she usually keeps things to herself) and cried (which is even more rare).
She won't remember the rest because she is unaware of the rest. She didn't talk to her dad at all and I certainly didn't discuss his issues or mine with her.
And so it goes.
Just be warned; this is what dating can lead to .
Would she be more understanding if she knew what was going on? Because I do understand what you're saying (why and how it all happened), and maybe that's why I think your daughter would understand it more if she knew what exactly was going on. Although I'm sure you know your family and what's better and what's not.
I was just talking from a perspective of someone who's like that (needs to decompress after too much dealing with other people; recharge my engines so to speak). If someone doesn't understand that I usually try to explain. Most people have no problem with it, even if they can't really "understand" it, they'll take my word for it. Unless they're completely self-absorbed ninnies and take offense every time your attention is not 100% on them (I'm not talking about your daughter by any chance, but my ex... and some trolls on the Internet... )
I remember having a close friend in my first year and the university. I went home for a visit and my sister was too much so I called him and he came next day, even though he lived on the other side of the country, and it was very nice until he started following me everywhere, including the bathroom ("I just miss you so much"). I sat him for a talk, and said, "I'm going to go to the living room and sit there for a while and be with myself. I don't want to see any other living creature unless it's my cat. If I don't do that, this place is going to explode soon." He didn't have a problem with it.
As for dating websites, personally I'd never do that (or join any offline dating club). I need to meet a person on neutral ground first, where we don't feel the need to do "the mating dance." Get to know them as people they are every day and not think of them as possible partners right away. So for me joining a community with people who share my interests is a better way to meet people than joining dating clubs, etc. I remember my friend doing a lot of online dating, until she got raped. I guess some of those people assume you owe them sex after a few dates.
So if you decide to do it, ladies (and gents), be careful. I'm sure there are some wonderful people on those sites, but there are jerks and weirdos, too. And some probably really bad people too. Take your time to get to know someone you've met there as how you'd do in RL, but most of all, trust your gut feeling. It's usually, if not always, right.
You won't be clapping when it brings the whole family back. And then some.
indeed. I try to remind myself frequently that being married was not all that great for me. I don't take well to domesticity, not because I can't share space or chores or money, but because it feels confining and boring. Now, maybe I just chose badly. Or maybe I'm not meant to be married, which is what I suspect.
My second husband, with whom I was involved for 17 years including an eight-year legal marriage, was great at giving me space. We even bought a house too big for us so that there would be "spheres of influence" for him, me and my then-teenaged daughter. Well, all that space equaled lack of any kind of intimacy, after a while we were more like roommates than anything else. It didn't work. I was really lonely.
So I jumped from that into a relationship with a man who was such a technicolor drama queen, so attentive to every nuance of my mood, so over-the-top emotionally and sexually, that I have to conclude that if we had ended up together I would have blown my brains out catering to the black hole of his neediness for attention and devotion. And this was mostly a long-distance relationship, decorated with twenty calls, emails and text messages a day, imagine what it would have been like living together! Even if the obsessiveness had worn off, the drama and possessiveness would have stayed.
It shouldn't be too difficult to find a middle ground between those two extremes, right? On Myers-Briggs tests I come out perfectly balanced between extrovert and introvert, that would seem to be an OK prescription for a relationship. But it's harder than I thought to find that balance and I don't know if I'll ever achieve it.
Marry another introvert. Mine is outside enjoying his solitary car washing and lawn grooming and I am sitting here with FSU and a cup of coffee and we are very happy with that.
Every relationship I ever had before him was an extrovert. Magnetic big personalities--extreme extroverts. And I would be so into them and then, very quickly, they would exhaust me and I'd just want to go home. Until I met my husband (through a friend), and while it took awhile for me to be into him, he did not ever exhaust me. And he was exactly what I needed.
Yeah honesty is always the best policy when it comes to these things, especially when it involves your mood. People can misinterpret that.
I guess I was so used to my parents being introverts, that it never occurred to me that I should be able to bother them whenever and to take offense if they wanted to be left alone.
She knows her dad decompresses after work; she need decompression time herself, maybe even more than he does.
But as I said, this was time critical, as in, she was going to have to go face the demon before her dad was ready to face her. I told her at five that she needed to eat something because she had to leave in 30 minutes, and she burst into tears.
So it's not a matter of her not understanding his moods or insisting on intruding on his space right then because she thinks she's the center of the universe; it's a matter of she needed something right then whatever his mood happened to be.
I don't consider that selfish of her; that's life. It wasn't selfish of him, either; he just couldn't deal with her right then.
And no, I don't think I should have explained to her that I was not on her dad's side, or that I disagree with the way he was handling things. Not a good idea.
But things like that happen, and not just with kids. You can't always have everything and everyone work around your mood, and you can't always withdraw in the face of other people's needs; OTOH, you can't dismiss someone else's need for space as a "mood" because it's a real need and it's one that must be taken into account. If I need company right now and you need alone time right now, that's a conflict--and neither party is wrong, it's just the way it is. And it happens to everyone to varying degrees.
I think that happens a lot when introverts marry introverts. You need space, you get space, but it's easy to get too much space without realizing it. I know a lot of introvert couples (lots of science types) who end up divorced after 25 years because there is no there there any more.
Extraverts I know end up driving each other crazy because there is no space at all.
Sometimes I think my SIL is on to something with that duplex thing .
When my ex-husband and I were dating, he pointed to a couple we knew. He, a wealthy guy, had built his significant other a house of her own...in his backyard, so to speak. (Yes, I know it sounds like a doghouse but this was a big lot with two nice houses on it.) Why, my ex asked me in all seriousness, couldn't we do something like that?
In my late thirties I was so astounded and offended by that idea. Now I think it's the perfect solution Of course, I'm now the age my ex was when he suggested that!
Okay, I just took a double plunge and signed up for plentyoffish as well. Why couldn't this have already happened for me so I wouldn't have to do this?
That's essentially what happened in my marriage. Two introverted people living in a 600 ft. apartment is not a good combination. Then when I actually needed him to be attentive when I was sick I think he actually had no idea how.
I've never tries internet dating as I have zero need for a relationship at the moment but I can't see myself ever trying it. I think I need the face to face, it's too easy to misinterpret people over the internet.
So here's a question. Do you think it's rude to not reply when someone sends a message via these sites? I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't see the point in engaging in a conversation when I am not interested in the person based on their profile.
I think it is probably polite to say "hello, thanks for your interest, no thank you", but somehow I don't want to deal with any negative reaction they may have. Been there, done that.
That's generally what everyone does - not reply. Don't worry about it - you're going to get a lot of weird messages.
I don't reply if I'm not interested. They're strangers anyway, who cares if it's rude.
I had my first date through the website this weekend and it was very successful so I'm excited. Of course now I'm into the did he have fun, is he going to call, what does it mean that he said this or that etc analysis part which I hate
I did get two creepy/weird messages this weekend. One guy wrote to me that if I want a boyfriend who won't cheat on me, I shouldn't talk to him (and I'd never talked to him so I'm not sure what precipitated this random admonishment! ). And creepier, one guy wrote that he recognized me on the subway, mentioning the stop where I live, and said that I'm gorgeous. That one is kind of worrisome
I didn't reply if I wasn't interested. Like I said.. I had one guy tear a strip off me because I didn't reply to him. I was like.. whoa.. red flag right there lol! If you reply to every person who writes it gets a little ridiculous I think.
I know on Match, you can click a button that automatically sends the person a polite "ding" letter - "thanks but no thanks." However, I later learned on one of those Match community boards that it's considered impolite by many to send that ding letter b/c it rubs your lack of interest in their face!
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I think I'll just not reply, and if they persist, block them.
I appreciate the advice!
That's when you tell him what you need. When I was sick (this was for months since I was slow in recovering from stomach flu) my bf asked specifically what he could do to help.
And it isn't like introvert bfs don't care. They do. They just doesn't know what to do, so you have to tell them.
Again, I was familiar with this because of my dad. When he's upset, he doesn't show it publicly nor does he tell anyone about it. But when my mom was sick and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, my sister said he scared her sometimes because he'd go into his study and just scream. Otherwise he'd be just stoic, but in that instance, he couldn't take it anymore.
Yeah, that happened to me too. For many sites, you can block users as well. I've done that several times.
I've considered trying online dating, but it seems like a lot of work. I'm introverted too and while it would be nice to occasionally have someone there (especially going on vacations and things), I do need my space. I don't even have a facebook account because I don't want a bunch of people I barely know contacting me and showing off their random pictures. With the safety issues about online dating and stories of creepy emails and random strangers PO'd if you don't reply, I'll need to set up a special email account for this and then find some pictures to post and put together a profile. How much work do you put into your profile?
I did the online dating thing for a little bit a few years ago, and I agree that it's better not to send anything. Usually, you'll send a couple of letters to people, and normally a few days later you forget about the email, so it's just a mean reminder a few days later if you get a ding.
I did the online dating thing very briefly as it wasn't the right time for me. But I didn't encounter too many weirdos, and those that I did encounter, I nixed very quickly online.
As for how much effort this takes? Quite a bit. Your profile is very important, so I would put a lot of thought into it because this is what people will see and use to decide if you are a match and if they should contact you and explore further. It also takes time and effort to go through other people's profiles and decide if they are a match for you. When I joined, I didn't quite realize the effort this would require because you have to sort through people, chat with them online, chat on teh phone, meet up for coffee, etc., all the while working or going to school and hanging out with your friends. So it's a time consuming process, which I didn't realize and which is why it wasn't the right time for me.
What mash said. I did set up a separate email account for it--didn't want all that stuff coming into my regular email.
It does take some work, because a lot of guys write to all new women, without even reading the profile. You will get lots of copied and pasted emails--they are easy enough to figure out because usually you will realize you have zero in common with them. My profile says don't even bother to write if you aren't going to mention something in what I've said, but that still assumes the person has bothered to read what I wrote.
I've been told by a straight guy that my profile was too long and too picky. But trust, it wasn't stopping the flow of emails that were coming in...
I did go on two nice dates that led to nothing, but then school started and it just got to be too much work.
There are nice guys on there, but it's work to find them. But I suppose if the right one pops up, then it's worth it.
I think I'm starting to spot the cut and paste ones already. I didn't realize a lot of guys blindly email new women on the site but that would explain a few responses I already got. :/
They're usually the first ones to respond, since I think there's a "new members" link on most sites.
Meh, it wasn't all that much work for me. Although I made the dreadful mistake of posting a relatively witty personal ad on Craigslist (yeah, I know) and got 400 emails in 24 hours. Fishing through THAT was exhausting.
And after all that, I only went on about 5 dates and went nowhere. When I finally met the guy who would become my bf, I was only checking Plentyoffish once every two weeks when I had some time. It worked out for us because we contact each other intermittently anyway. Only a crazy stalker guy would expect a response within a day, I think.
Oh my god, you arranged a date during a GP event... BURN THE INFIDEL!
Kruss - I also don't reply if I'm not interested. As you've written on that community board, letting people know "I'm not interested" just rubs it up in their face. They already get the point, if they just don't hear back from you.
Oh, I told him, first subtly then not-so-subtly. I realize that it's not easy for the caregivers either when someone is sick but he still refused to do any cleaning around the house, do things like install a ceiling fan (I had to do it which wiped me out for two days) and whined about having to clean the litter box (I wasn't allowed). His best friend told him that he was treating me like crap, his response was basically meh. He cared and was worried about me but had no idea how to practically show it. I have never felt so alone in my life, he wouldn't even come to chemo with me because there's needles there
Yeah, that sounds lame. My dad and sister hate needles as well, but at least they would show up in person and look away when the IV went in.
I certainly would have pointed out how installing a ceiling fan isn't helping my healing process. My bf admitted he missed going out to restaurants when I was sick and unable to eat anything aside from apples and ginger tea, but he didn't mention it when I was actually feeling ill.
That doesn't just sound introverted, that sounds (maybe inadvertently, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) selfish, completely clueless, and clearly not ready for the responsibility of being with another person.
Okay, now I KNOW they don't all read the profiles. I just got 'winked' at by someone who clearly didn't pay attention.
He wants: 18-45 years old (I'm 46), he wants slender (I clearly state I'm BBW), he "definitely" wants kids, I clearly state I don't.
Oh yeah, there are lots of guys who don't read the profiles and it is very obvious when they send their "fishing" email - "I read your profile I want to talk with you." Seriously, if you read my profile mention something that we have in common to start some conversation (not done because that would take more than 10 seconds) and don't email me if you don't live in my province or we have nothing in common. Seriously, I used to laugh at the guys who would contact me from the states - the farthest person who ever contacted me was from Italy. Now, I'd love to meet someone and move to Italy but it's a little hard to meet for a date if I live in Canada and he lives in Italy. Duh!
My favorite thing to do was to go to the "intimate encounters" section and see which men who had contacted me were also on that list. Scary...
This is turning into a rather amusing experience; I've been providing my friends with daily funny stories of online dating sites.
Today I read a profile from a guy who described his musical tastes by saying he's "not into wrap". I bet the Hallmark people will be upset to know that.
Misspelling and grammatical errors like that would be a complete turn off for me. I don't think I could date a poor speller.
I'm dipping a tentative toe into plentyoffish, more out of curiosity than anything else. So far the results have been underwhelming.
Lates response is from a guy half my age looking to be "mentored and nurtured." I don't think so, bud.
"Are you my Mother?"
You do have to somewhat lower your standards, but that depends on what your standards are.
When I first met my bf, it was more like, "meh" but I didn't have anything better to do with my time so I figured I might as well go out with this guy. He seemed nice enough, and not outwardly insane.
One of my professors in college met her husband through speed dating. She kept on saying no to prospectives during the session but finally decided to stop being so picky (like, he didn't reeeaaally have to like the same kind of music she did) and the next guy she said yes to, she eventually married.
My standards aren't that high - employed, breathing and wifeless about covers it. Hair is a plus.
In the first two weeks, I can't seem to get two out of three. Mr. Looking for Mom was the best of the lot.
Separate names with a comma.