My Family and I could use some good thoughts and prayers sent our way

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by AragornElessar, Mar 23, 2013.

  1. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    As I understand it, her mother is the one with the cast not listening to her advice. That is what I was responding to. I believe it is her sister that she would like to tell to grow up.

    I empathize with that one as well. I have actually told my brother that more than once in the last six months. It makes me feel better to say it, but unfortunately it doesn't make it happen. He knows he has me between the rock and hard place. If he continues to refuse to do anything to help our parents, it isn't as if I am going to abandon them as a result. So he is very content where he is, doing nothing and pretending our father is not ill at all.
  2. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

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    That's really rough; I'm so sorry. Sending prayers and all positive thoughts your way!

    O-
  3. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar New Member

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    Why do you think I want to tell her to grow the Hell up? Believe me, I have and that's all I get in return from her and I'm well and truly fed up w/it. I don't care if any of this has to do w/what happened between our Mom and her Dad, but if this is a part of that, and I do think it is in part, then she needs to grow the Hell up, get her ass over here and help me talk to Mom.

    And I honestly don't know what you think "I told my Sister not to let them release Mom w/out any Home Care in place for over here because I just can't do it on my own." that I put in the first few postings in this thread is, but to me, that's telling her exactly what I need her to do. Which I don't really because we have been having these conversations for about ten years now and all I ever hear is, "Well....I don't know what you want me to do about it..."

    Yet, *I'm* the one that needs to grow up? I don't think so. On my own, my hands are majorly tied. I need her over here, but if she won't come, then...

    But she won't. The last time I was literally pleading w/her to do this, she brought up something that happened close to ten years ago as her excuse not to lift herself over here.

    Oh and guess what happened fifteen minutes ago? In waltzes that Woman w/this huge pot of flowers because "She just feels so bad this happened and hopefully this will help lift Mom's spirits". HA!! Feeling a bit guilty over pulling that piece of crap stunt phone call last night is more like it. I said that to my Mom too and that in turn to her going off on how lonely it's going to be for me because I want everyone to be perfectly perfect in every way....etc.

    She has completely and conveniently forgotten all about that call ordering 3 gallons of Syrup by that critter creature last night. At least when it comes to me because I only see the worst in people after all. *bashes head into wall over and over*

    I talked about this w/a Cousin of mine last Summer and she's like me. She just does not get why Mom doesn't see when she's being used or why certain people aren't liked by the rest of the "crowd" around here and I just do not get why!?! Even when it's so freakingly obvious!!!!

    All I know is if I make it through the next week and a bit and she does get a walking cast when she has follow up, I'm booking the hotel and heading to Toronto for CSOI at the end of April. I haven't been off this rock pile since just before Christmas and that was a combined trip w/Medical stuff rolled in. I need a trip where I don't darken the door of any building that has anything to do w/Doctors, tests or OR's and I need one badly!!!

    Then again, if my Darling Sister Dear had actually done what I wanted her to do, which was to set up Home Care for us regardless of Mom's wishes, maybe I wouldn't be so drop dead tired right now and in turn, be in better shape to handle critter creatures like that Woman. Then again, as I've learned over the last few years, when Mom or Dad go on like that w/me concerning certain people or their way of dealing w/adapting to my vision limits/health limits the last few years is to say it's time for me to get my own Apartment due to all of the stress I bring to the house, that's their way of not facing the truth.

    I bet it would shock them to their core if they actually did give a bit on that on how fast the stress levels in the house would go down to, but then again, it'll never happen because I'm just a selfish, silly, immature little person who knows nothing and wants everything her own way and no other way.

    I wish Mom would give herself a good look in the mirror before she spouts that BS, because I'm not the one in this house w/that problem. :( Also not the one in the house living in a Fantasy World because, you know what? Dad has Dementia. Not forgetfulness, not mislaying things here and there, it's Dementia. I'm not the one who won't face that, but *I'm* the one in a Fantasy World? Yeah.

    If we can get through the next week w/out a major blow up, it'll be a major Miracle.
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2013
  4. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    AE, it's obvious that this is a really stressful time for you and that you have more than a lot to deal with, but....from what you've said, your neighbour's behavior is one of the less significant things going on. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but you're spending a lot of energy getting mad at her when you have so much else to worry about. Things might be a little more bearable if you focus your energy on the things that need the most attention.
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  5. PDilemma

    PDilemma Well-Known Member

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    I think the neighbor may be the tipping point for AE. I get that. Sometimes when so many big things are crashing down on you, it is a relatively little thing that finally sets you off. Been there and done that. Yesterday, actually.
  6. Coco

    Coco Well-Known Member

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    It's also much easier to focus your anger on a non-relative. I've found that to be true in my experience.
  7. CanuckSk8r

    CanuckSk8r New Member

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    AE you are overwhelmed with all that is going on, and that is completely understandable and reasonable. It is good that you have a safe place to come and express your frustrations.

    Why don't you call home care to help you out? You seem to be in the role of caregiver here, so really is doesn't matter what sister wants. And if parents protest, tell them YOU need the help, it's the truth - you need help to help them, before something snaps.

    Just because others aren't willing to help themselves, doesn't mean that you can't help yourself. As for the woman, if your mother chooses to accept that treatment, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about. As we ALL learn at some point with our parents, as infuriating as it is.

    Try to focus on what you can change, control, help and let the other things fall by the wayside. And take care of YOU. If you are not well, you can't take care of them.
  8. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar New Member

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    Because when it comes to Home Care, our hands are literally tied due to the way the system's set up. Because of my limited sight, I'm eligible, but because by law I'm just a renter, they need the people I'm renting from to sign off on it. Since legally that's my Parents, not going to happen. Second, we'd need their Family Doctor to sign off for it. For that to happen, Mom needs to tell her the truth of how things really are around here. Since that's not happening any time soon...

    Trust me, my Family Doctor and I have had this conversation just about every time I see him and as he said, until Mom wakes up and realizes we really do need help, nothing can be done.

    As for that...Critter Creature....It would be much easier to let that go if Mom would. She mentioned it every single time someone called here last night and it went like...."So and so brought me in a huge basket of flowers, but AE doesn't like her, so she doesn't think very much of the present." Or she'll use it for a chance to get in a dig at me and how I hate people. So as much I asI wish I *could* just let it go, I can't because Mom won't allow that to happen.

    I just managed to get Supper in the crockpot and now feel like I'm about to drop. BTW...Whoever invented those things? I hope to God they got properly paid for their invention because it is a God send!! In case you're wondering...

    Amazing Paleo ~ APPLE & CURRY CHICKEN CROCKPOT
  9. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Your mom doesn't get to control what you think and feel. As long as you let her comments bother you, you aren't going to be able to let it go, even if you want to. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic or simplistic, but as annoying as it is for your mom to say what she's saying - you have bigger things to take care of right now. Ignore her and get on with the important stuff.
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  10. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar New Member

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    Easier said than done overedge. Also not the way things work around here either. Anyway...

    I paired that recipe up there w/Brown Rice Penne Pasta and it was sooooo good!! The best part is we've got enough for at least tomorrow and very possibly Sunday too. Which would be wonderful if that was the case. Regardless, that one's a beyond a doubt keeper and we'll be having that again.
  11. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    You know that you don't have to be miserable, right? That's not intended to be condescending or belittling in anyway at all, your posts just sound like you're almost looking for more things to make you miserable. I realize that you have a set of circumstances that makes life very difficult on an everyday basis and certainly this latest wrinkle makes things even more difficult temporarily but difficult doesn't have to mean hopeless. It's not easy but one of the best things you can do for the people you take care of is to take care of yourself, even if it means you have to let people you don't like help you.
  12. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    I don't understand--you say here the system is set-up in such a way such that you can't get home assistance without your mom signing off on it:
    But then here you say you wanted your sister to get home assistance without your mom's consent:
    If it's just not possible to override your mom bc of the system, how could your sister prevent your mom from coming home without a health aide? If that's what your mom wants, it seems your sister's hands would be tied like yours.
  13. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Alf's grandpa is quite a handful. He was quite spirited even pushing 90, and refused to use his walker and it drove Alf's mom bonkers. He's finally in a home after falling one too many times.

    I actually think that's a GOOD thing. It's one thing to hurt yourself doing something beyond your capability like Alf's grandpa and AE's mom - it's quite another to give up altogether. I'd rather take the former than the latter. I watched my own grandmother simply give up after breaking her hip. She never walked again, never even sat up under her own power, and wasted away for 2 years, bedridden in a nursing home before she finally passed. It was absolutely horrible to watch.

    I promised my mom I'd physically kick her out of bed myself if she wanted to stay there for more than a week. I won't have her give up on life like her mother did. Better to go quickly doing what you love, than to go slowly having nothing to live for.

    As for your hands being tied with homecare, if AE can someone convince her parents to have homecare for AE, then that person can indirectly help AE by doing things for her parents. I like that kind of trickery. :D

    Absolutely. If you're dealing with adults (and it sounds like AE is only dealing with adults), you can't change their behavior. You can't make them stop doing things. You can only change the way you react to them. The "critter creature" sounds stupid, but if she insists on spending her own money buying AE's mom flowers, than what's the harm, really.

    Alf broke his wrist on Valentine's Day, skateboarding. He started skateboarding again immediately after he got his plaster cast off and the fiberglass cast on. (And only because the plaster cast went past his elbow and a heavy plaster thing immobilizing his arm threw off his balance anyway.) I can't stop him, and I wouldn't want to. It would break his spirit. I don't see skateboarding as a dangerous sport that he needs to stop doing ASAP because he got seriously hurt once, but as an outlet he uses to relax. He needs it.

    In the same vein, AE's mom is in denial that she's getting old and needs help. Trying to do things herself is a way to assert her independence, and she has to come to the realization herself even if it takes breaking something else. Cause let's face it, being on her feet after breaking one seriously enough to require plates and screws is no small feat. She is being driven by something extremely powerful.
  14. CanuckSk8r

    CanuckSk8r New Member

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    When I suggested calling home care, it was to help with your mother - that you need the help caring for them. No trickery involved.

    I understand how home care works and yes, you can get it without your mother's approval. One approach is to go back to the surgeon, they can request it - as you wanted your sister to do initially, without your mother signing on/off on the idea. You are right, I don't know the dynamic in your home, but there are ways to make things a little easier should the desire be there to do so.

    Good luck.
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  15. AragornElessar

    AragornElessar New Member

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    Because they asked at the hospital if we needed Home Care for the duration of Mom needing the cast/being non weight bearing. Since that happened at the Hospital, she could override her to the point of talking her into it. She was there, so she could have done it and she told me she *was* going to do it.

    Obviously, she didn't and now I'm literally running myself ragged trying to keep things going around here w/my own health issues also limiting what I can do. It's getting Home Care after all of this is over and done w/where my hands are tied and we badly need it.

    You know, actually Mom's not the big problem, it's Dad. That's tiring me out more than anything else. I knew he'd slipped a bit since the early Fall, but until this happened... :(

    And BTW...I am the only one my age in this area and I wasn't born or raised here, which in this backward little place means I'm not one of them. Doesn't matter both of my Parents Families are among those that settled this area or that I've been over here constantly since I was a baby, I wasn't born or "officially" raised here. Add in I'm young, or was more young when I first moved here for what was only going to be a few months until I got something else health related fixed and which took five years that shouldn't have, and disabled and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I am *not* wanted around here. Combine the crap Mom's been telling people for the last few years that is not the truth about me and....

    I am alone here. I have no way to get out on my own and when I do, it's w/someone close to their 70's who hasn't even remotely close to anything in common w/me, so talking to them isn't exactly the easiest thing in the World to do when around here, it's like being back in time around 40 years, if not longer. The Health care system in this Province has been so gutted, helping people who need it isn't a priority anymore, it's saving money. To do that, they have literally changed so much, it's impossible to do just about anything these days.

    Even my Family Doctor is fed up trying to work w/them, because when something is changed at the Ministry, they aren't even informing the Docs anymore. Such as when they changed the rules on Prescription Meds last year. Now, you can't get a refill on anything unless it's the exact day it's due. Which would be fine if you were in a city, but here in the middle of nowhere? Not so much.

    I have no outlet other than the Net, but even that doesn't replace getting out for a break now and then, but then you need friends in the real world in order to do that and I don't have that here. So for those telling me not to be miserable or angry about what's happening in my life right now, a few things....

    If you don't understand what I'm saying, then you haven't a clue to what I am going through and I have enough on my plate w/out putting up w/judgemental people who *think* they know what needs to be done. I mean....I posted yesterday my Family Doctor and I have talked about this every single appt now for *years* and his hands are tied and I stated exactly why, so if you don't understand that, then I don't want to hear it because I honestly don't know how much clearer I can make it.

    Second, I used to say I would never wish my experiences on anyone. The last few years, I find myself thinking otherwise. Unless you've been down this road, you haven't a clue, so don't try telling me this and that.

    I started this thread for support and to let off some steam, which I *badly* need. Not to have some come in here and tell me how to feel about certain things when they aren't living my situation.

    And one last thing? My Transplant Social Worker told me three months ago that if I wasn't angry or miserable about how things have turned out, she'd be wondering about my mental stability, because anyone dealing w/my situation would be.

    So think on that those of you who aren't understanding what I'm saying here. Because I don't need your judgemental posts right now.
  16. Habs

    Habs Well-Known Member

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    AE, I haven't seen any posts here that you should consider as judgemental. It looks to me like people are trying to offer you some compassion and advice.
  17. quartz

    quartz Point of Know Return

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    (((((Hugs)))), sorry I can't do anything to help you, but if you need to rant, I'll listen. Have you tried writing things out in a journal? I started doing that a few years ago when I was having a very difficult time with my teen daughter and unresolved issues from my past. I found it very therapuetic to transfer my thoughts from my mind and heart to paper. Typing doesn't quite have the same effect, for me it is the physical act of forming out each letter and word that really makes me feel like I am getting things out of my head and releasing them onto the paper. I find it very effective in relieving stress and anxiety.
  18. made_in_canada

    made_in_canada INTJ

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    AE, I don't actually read a lot of judgement here and I do see a lot of support. No one is trying to discount that you're in a very difficult situation. There's a lot of people here that have dealt with similar situations with their parents and are offering their experiences/advice as support. Of course, everyone's circumstances are slightly different but that doesn't mean that others' experiences aren't valid and can't be learned from.

    In that same vein, you've been around FSU long enough to understand that if all you want is to just post and post and not get any feedback this might not be the right venue. Just because people are offering their own insights doesn't mean that you have to do anything about it if you don't want to. It's your life, you can do as you please. Or you might find a different perspective or a different way of approaching your situation that might make things easier to deal with. That's kind of the fantastic thing about a place like FSU. There's lots of people from lots of different backgrounds and a huge variety of life experiences.
  19. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. Even though none of us have been in your exact situation, caring for aging parents is a pretty universal experience, one that even people in their 20s have usually witnessed with their grandparents.

    I've never been the kind of person to offer "poor you!". It won't help you. You'll still be in the same situation, feeling just as miserable tomorrow as you did today. You'll just be as powerless about the ministry and doctors tomorrow as you were....ever. There's nothing you can do about it, aside from moving your parents out. And I'll wager that they'll want to stay put anyway.

    AE, you feel responsible for everyone, but the truth is, everyone you're worried about are adults. You're not responsible for them anymore. Even if they are your parents. If they want to do reckless things, there's nothing you can do aside from locking them in a cage, and obviously you can't do that. But you do have to be responsible for yourself. You have to take of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself (and I mean emotionally, not just physically), who will?
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