My best friend is mad at me! :(

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by canbelto, Mar 11, 2011.

  1. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    Oh, yeah, I completely agree with you. I probably should have expanded that statement to say that I think he is interested in her for selfish reasons.

    I can understand the situation, because I was involved in a situation similar to this, except that there was sex involved, and I didn't even find out that the guy had a girlfriend until over 2 years in. And then I was hooked (because I wanted it to turn into more) and I figured that *I* wasn't the one telling this woman I loved/cared for her and then turning around and messing around on her behind her back, all the while living in her house with her, etc.; he was, so the guilty conscience would be on him. He would tell me she had "issues with physical intimacy" whatever the hell that meant - I don't know, because he never got specific (duh!!).

    Long story short - it ended in a rather ugly fashion 17 months ago, because every time he would say he was too busy to hang out, I'd spritz out and get upset and mentally rail at him because "he's lying" blah blah blah. We never did discuss why he thought it was OK for him to lie to me and to her both, so everytime I would send him a voice mail and he wouldn't get back to me, I would go right back to that one incident. Oh, it was great when he was coming over and all, but when he wasn't... yikes. It's embarrassing to read my blog entries about this, the extent that I let it color the rest of my life is just pathetic.

    One time, when I did catch him in a lie, I just snapped and let loose on his cell voice mail. I didn't say everything I was thinking, but it was enough, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. Fine, because I didn't want to see him again either. I used to be so jealous of his girlfriend, but now... I pity her, because she has no flippin' clue exactly who she is allowing to live under her roof, play father-figure to her daughter, and sleep in her bed, and I'm sure he's found another young woman who is as gullible as I was and not wise enough to be able to see the signs that he is hiding something.

    I wouldn't want to be with him anyhow. If he cheated on her, he'd cheat on me after a time, I'm sure. I'm at the point now where I don't even want to be in a relationship, thanks to what I went through with this guy. It's a lot easier for me to stay "in balance" and focused on what is imprtant in my life when I am single.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  2. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    You know what reading this stuff, you guys are right. I do deserve better.:(

    I guess the best thing for me to do is not try to talk to him at all, etc. until I can get some distance from the whole situation.
     
  3. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Distance is always good, until you get a hang of your emotions.

    Closure is not unusual to want, not in the least, but you've got to stop expecting anything. If he doesn't want to talk to you even if you've extended the invitation, that's your closure.

    If you wait a week or two and are still really curious, I think you can ask him, but keep it very casual and don't bring a lot of drama into it. ("Hey I haven't heard from you in a while, is everything okay?") At the very least, you have to put on a brave face and not let on that he's affected you so negatively.
     
  4. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    (((canbelto)))

    It's hard, I know to be caught up in a situation like this. No matter which side of the equation you are on.

    Yes, that would be a good idea.

    Interesting PS to my situation I wrote about... 2 weeks ago I did get a chance to sit down with the guy I mentioned and talk about what happened. Sure, he may have lied about his situation in the beginning, but I was just as much of a liar because I told him that I was OK with things, and had no (ulterior) attachment to him or to the situation we were in. So I was just as bad as he was, because he trusted me, and and I went and blew my stack at him out of nowhere. Like he'd said to me: I knew the situation going in (after finding out that he had a girlfriend) and I had a choice, either deal with that or don't deal with that. If I didn't feel OK with things, then I should have stepped back (I should have stepped back anyway!), so for me to be jumping on him was just wrong.

    I'm a firm believer that, no matter what the situation is between two people, it takes both of them to make it what it is and, if it turns bad, both parties share the blame for it, more often than people like to admit. If I had gone and tried to talk with him back when the break happened, it would have been a very ugly scene. I had to take time away from things and get myself to a point where I could approach him and take responsibility for my own words and actions without defending myself.

    We actually had a pretty good relationship minus the physical intimacy; whether or not that can ever be restored is anyone's guess. I had dropped by his office during a sleet storm (and he works alone) so we were able to talk for a good hour without being disturbed. He wouldn't hug me when I left (said he "didn't trust himself") but he did say that I could call him (we're both on Sprint so we would communicate by sending voice mail like most people send text messages).

    I haven't really had the urge to call him, even after 2 weeks. Maybe closure was all I was looking for? Who knows... but I am glad he didn't kick me out of his office and instead let me say what it was I had to say.
     
  5. taf2002

    taf2002 flower lady

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    Karina, by any chance, your eyes wouldn't be brown, would they?
     
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  6. Rhianna

    Rhianna ...Her?

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    He absolutely is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend and in my opinion, that's actually worse than physically cheating on her.

    Knowing about you and knowing the details of your relationship with him are very, very different. Also, just because she knows he's with you doesn't actually mean she is fine with it.

    This happened to me as well and it was what made me realize that my 'friendship' with that guy was extremely unhealthy and we're not friends anymore.
     
  7. TygerTyger

    TygerTyger Well-Known Member

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    Please, please: Do yourself a favor, and stop inviting drama into your life.
     
  8. kosjenka

    kosjenka Well-Known Member

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    Though I am not in a nearly the same situation as you are, I truly sympathize.

    I've had a sparkle with this guy a little more than 2 years ago. We had off and on contact because the very first longer conversation we had - he dropped a bomb from his personal life to me and told me a lot about himself.
    Although we have not seen much in 2 years, once his father suddenly died - I was the only person he called and wanted to meet and talk. Since then it has been 5 months and we have been seeing each other on regular basis.

    I rarely have chemistry with guys and in last 5 years - he is the only one I have been interested in. I was sensing he was interested in me as well at certain points. But since chemistry is so rare for me - I could not be sure.

    After some time I decided to go clean and tell him my true developing feelings and say that it is okay if he is not interested, that our conversations are private and I would remain and honest friend but just not that regular in order to protect myself.

    Guess what?
    I've never got the chance to tell him that. I called him once - he has not answered - which happened before but he would call back that same day. I texted him twice and he did not answer to that either.

    So I gave up.
    Objectively, he is impolite and rude. This is not a way to treat someone you barely know, let alone a person you have been exchanging the good, the bad, the ugly of your life every week for months.
    This hurts me a lot, but I have never treated anyone like this. Not even people that i do not like, let alone people I talk about my personal problems and pleasures with. So why should I go after him?

    I still have feelings for him and I am still attracted to him. But I deserve to be treated better and he showed he does not care about me and that in any formal romantic relationship - I would get this from him in some period of time.

    Well - no thank you.
    Chemistry - bye bye!
    Physics - welcome back!

    I hope my story comforts you a little. It is hard turning the page and I know you must wish things were at least a little different, but the misery will only go away if you move on.
     
  9. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Aww kosjenka. Sorry to hear that.:( In other news, the guy on match.com totally lied about who he was. He said he was a real estate broker, but turns out he's unemployed, and has been for over a year, and spends his time day-trading stocks. Why do people lie like that?:rolleyes:
     
  10. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Because if they told the truth, they'd get a lot fewer dates.
     
  11. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Well to me nothing screams "exit signs" more than "oh I didn't tell you, I'm not actually working right now, I'm daytrading." He should have told me that like, before he took me out.:rolleyes:
     
  12. Cheylana

    Cheylana Well-Known Member

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    I also remember reading about this "friendship" some time ago, and was thinking the same exact thing!!! Please focus your time and attention on your other (healthy) friendships. And do go on that Match.com date if you are so inclined - good luck with that!!!
     
  13. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Idk but what do people find better, match or eharmony? I've only tried match.
     
  14. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    I met my bf off Plenty of Fish, mostly because that was free and I didn't feel the need to pay to meet people. :shuffle:

    It's all about being able to read the other person when they're chatting with you, at any rate. You have to do that even when you're on a paid dating website. I've only met guys off of free dating websites, and never had a bad experience, despite my bf being the only one that worked out even remotely. :lol: Then again I think I'm very good at weeding out the creeps at the chat level...
     
  15. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    There are so many I don;t even know where to start. What are the free ones? Zoosk, Plenty of Fish, what else?
    It's not like I've met many princes on match.:shuffle: