My best friend is mad at me! :(

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by canbelto, Mar 11, 2011.

  1. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    I am so broken up about this I don't know where to turn, except for a message board. Here is the situation: my best friend is a guy I used to work with, who has a girlfriend in Colombia, but lives and works in the U.S. We once had a painful falling out, but about a year ago we reconnected and became friends again and since then we've been besties. When we go out together, we often go see a movie, go to dinner, and afterward sit in a bar or coffee shop and giggle for hours, and he generally pays for everything (he insists). We recently went on a ski trip together. It's all platonic though, he has a long-distance girlfriend so other than hugging and occasionally holding hands and staying up late at night to talk nothing more has happened.

    I admit I have a bit of a crush on him, but I've accepted that he has a girlfriend, so I'm content to be his friend, and that's it.

    Well about a week ago I told him about a guy on match.com who wanted to date me, and I was a bit hesitant going on a date with someone I didn't know, and asked him for his advice. In the past I've asked him "boy" advice and he's always listened patiently and given me advice. This time he was very curt, and said yeah, sure, why not, give him a chance, can't hurt to go on a blind date. Then he said really testily, "Don't blame me if anything goes wrong, it's your call," and then said he had to go write a paper, and couldn't talk anymore, and we ended the convo.

    Since then ... nothing. He hasn't called me, or texted me, or written to me. He's never gone that long without talking to me. Yesterday I text messaged him and he usually responds within seconds, but this time ... nothing. I am so hurt and confused, surely he can't be mad at me for going on match.com dates, since he himself has a girlfriend! I did not mean to make him mad, but I feel like trying to contact him again would make me seem pathetic.

    This guy is my best friend in the world, he's the first person I tell anything to, and his friendship is very important to me. He's shown himself to be a good friend to me too, like just a few weeks ago I got REALLY sick and stayed the night at his apartment. I was basically ... crapping and throwing up. Instead of being grossed out, he stayed up with me while I crapped and threw up, let me sleep in his bed (he slept on the couch), and gave me his only blanket (he claimed he didn't need one). When he gave me the blanket he tucked me in like my mom used to, and I thought he was one good friend, a guy who didn't get grossed out by a girl who was throwing up and had the runs.

    I'm so sad right now I can barely concentrate on anything. What do you think I should do?:(:(:(
  2. orbitz

    orbitz Well-Known Member

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    Go meet him face to face and ask to discuss what's up. If he shuts the door on your face then at least you made an honest attempt to talk to him.
  3. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Meet him face to face? How can I do that if he won't even message me on facebook or return my text messages? I don't want to look pathetic.:(
    I'm also not used to having to do call him, text him, etc. Usually he does that on his own!
  4. Catherine M

    Catherine M Well-Known Member

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    Do you have a mutual friend that can see what's up? It might be that he is getting pressure from the gf not to be so close to you.
  5. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    Haven't you had this issue before?
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  6. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    well ... just a couple weeks ago we went skiing together and stayed in a hotel together so I doubt it's the gf in Colombia because if she didn't prevent that, obviously she is okay with the friendship, right?

    And if I have a mutual friend, who said that she didn't say anything, but he told me how much fun he had with me on the trip, and how I made him constantly. I asked her about him yesterday and she said that he hasn't mentioned being mad at me in any way. She said she doesn't know what's wrong. :(

    eta: yeah we stopped talking before, but that was a long time ago, and ever since we've become best friends again, we honestly haven't argued once, it's very different now. It's really unusual for him to not talk to me for even two days.
  7. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    Could be wrong (standard disclaimer) but it sounds to me like you hope deep down that he's more interested in you than he lets on.
  8. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Not really. I just want him as a friend right now. He's like the best friend I have, and I have no idea why he'd suddenly stop talking to me like this. I kinda thought all the drama was gone from our relationship, and we were just very good friends.
  9. Satellitegirl

    Satellitegirl New Member

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    She already said she had a crush on him....so yeah I'd say that's obvious. It doesn't mean she's acting on it though.

    I think it sounds like he MAY(and this is without knowing his side of things, and not knowing exactly what took place, and just taking your word for it...and I don't know you) have gotten used to you being there all the time, and didn't like the idea of you turning your attention away from him. A cake and eat it too situation. I wouldn't say that indicates he wants a relationship with you...but it might indicate he's being immature and somewhat selfish...just by going on what you've said.

    I'd personally ignore it all. If he isn't smart enough to realize he's being unreasonable(which my guess is that he will eventually), then you don't want to waste your time groveling. He's not your bf...and he'll get over it ...or he won't.
  10. milanessa

    milanessa engaged to dupa

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    :confused: That's not at all what I said.
  11. Satellitegirl

    Satellitegirl New Member

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    I usually take someone having a crush on someone else, as them hoping the other person is interested as well.
  12. hydro

    hydro Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like this is more than a platonic friendship, regardless if there is sex involved or not. And I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is emotionally cheating on his long-distance girlfriend with you. And it also seems like he is a bit manipulative by not returning your calls or messages.

    I sympathize, it doesn't sound like a pleasant situation at all.
  13. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Having a crush, as in finding him cute, =/= acting on it, and throwing myself at him and being clingy and pathetic. I've just gotten used to being his friend, and him not talking to me is what's hurting me. But I'm not going to call him or text him or message him on facebook if that's not what he wants.

    And oh, our mutual friend decided to be a busybody and told him to call me. And he hasn't, so obviously ... for some strange reason he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me.
  14. Satellitegirl

    Satellitegirl New Member

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    sums it up well.
  15. Matryeshka

    Matryeshka Well-Known Member

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    You have a crush, small though it may be, your feelings are not entirely platonic. He has a girlfriend. To quote Bartok the Bat, "this can only end in tears."

    I realize you probably want us all to say, yes, yes, you can be friends! But no, no, no you can't. At most, you are The Girl in the Jar, meaning he's keeping you around for a rainy day to make himself feel better in between gfs. You might be able to fool yourself for a time, but I know when I was interested in a guy I wasn't sure/thought might be into me, I'd run and tell him I had a date, and "as friends" ask him what he thought. This is a classic see-if-I-can-get-him jealous maneuver. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt with REJECTION emblazoned in big, bold letters.

    Take this as a sign that you need a break. If you're *this upset* that he has not communicated with you in a few days that you have to vent on a message board, you need some distance from him YESTERDAY. He has a girlfriend. It's not you. Go out and get yourself a boyfriend, or at least a boy toy, that's not him.
  16. Norlite

    Norlite New Member

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    This is the same guy you posted on a couple years ago isn;t it?

    He was a user then IIRC, and he's a user now.

    Forget about him, move on with your life, find another best friend to hug and hold hands and stay up late with.

    Or make up with him and go through this again in another year or two.
  17. genegri

    genegri Active Member

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    Seriously, this is not a very healthy relationship.

    Platonic friendship between straight men and women can happen ... but only when both parties really truly have no interest in one another. Otherwise, it's just too slippery a road.

    You and your friend have already crossed quite a few boundaries if you ask me. If he likes you, he should break up with his gf first and then ask you out properly. Unless that happens, you should keep a distance much farther than what you described.

    My suggestion is not to do anything with him. Take good care of your health and go out with other friends.
  18. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    I dunno, I feel like most of my friendships have been with guys, I just get along with them better, and it's always been like that. Straight or gay. I have a couple girlfriends but I just always get along better with guys. It's never really been an issue before, me being friends with a guy.
  19. Matryeshka

    Matryeshka Well-Known Member

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    Doesn't matter if you have had a million platonic friendships with guys in the past or will have a million more in the future. Maybe they all turn out well without any heartache on either part, but not this one.
  20. Bonita

    Bonita Active Member

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    I have had a lot of "platonic" friend guys, who wavered between platonic and not totally so. Sometimes their new girlfriends dictate the rules and they distanced themselves. In the end, if they are really your friend, they will be in the end either way. I'm happily married and still have a really good male friend who 100% respects my marriage. We've been friends over 20 years. It's a long and windy road. 95% of my male friends jumped ship and ditched me when I got married, but I have a couple of casual male friends still and one BFF who is gold. I don't know your situation, but if he's a player, then find a new BFF. I have an ex-friend guy who I never led on (told him point blank he wasn't my type, but that I loved him as a person), who dumped me like rotten food when I made it totally clear that friends was IT.
  21. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

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    This guy is your best friend? Surely there are better options out there. Like people who will communicate like adults. Sounds like you have some communication problems that make you both seem immature to me. If you can't talk it out in person, you're obviously not that good friends, and your friendship is obviously not as equally important to both parties. Trying to find out what is going wrong through other people is childish, a great way to get biased answers, and not a good sign of a strong friendship.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
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  22. bek

    bek Guest

    When your just friends with someone, you don't get upset when they are dating other people. Once your jealous of said person's girlfriend/boyfriend its a clear sign that your not just friends.

    However, there's another factor, just because your dont' want someone with another person. Doesn't mean he's all that crazy about you. I once had a guy who I was just friends with, and we both realized we weren't just friends when we got jealous of the other flirting with others. So we dated. But we ended up ending the relationship because we realized that neither of us were all that crazy about each other.

    To be quite frank I know that I was fascilating back in forth when it came to what I felt about him, and I think he was too. The other people were "catalysts I guess" but if we had truly been crazy about each other, we wouldn't have needed the others.

    In the end, if he was truly crazy about you, unbelievably crazy about you. He wouldn't be cool with the idea of an undefined relationship with. Nor would he be cool with going on a ski trip with you platonically, and the list goes on and on. Don't you want someone whose crazy about you?

    Your relationship isn't healthy IMO. And if this guy is a good guy than he know realizes it. Now if he's any kind of decent guy, he needs to make some decisions.

    First of all who does he want to be with you or his girlfriend? If he wants to be with his girlfriend, than out of respect to her, he's frankly going to need to back off from your friendship big time. Its frankly not because you did something wrong, its because he loves her.

    Or he needs to decide he wants to be with you. If he does than he needs to break things off with his girlfriend first. Out of respect to her.

    Honestly, I must say that if I were you, I'd be really careful about being best friends with someone I'm attracted to, especially if they have a girlfriend. You need to protect your heart. I'd be wary about your relationship with him, if I was a guy.

    I'd leave him alone.

    And as for the whole but I have tons of guy friends.. I am someways am more comfortable with guys too. But I know that if there's a guy who is significantly attached to another girl. And I know that I'm attracted to said guy, than I know that this is a guy I need to be wary about developing a really close friendship with. And that's especially the case if perhaps the attraction might be even SLIGHTLY mutual. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly. But you need to protect your heart/feelings.

    And frankly I think the sign of an honest guy or girl. Is when they are relationships with other people, they are also careful about not getting to close to people they are attracted too. There is ALWAYS going to be someone else that you could have had a relationship with, could have made it work if timing is right. But if you love the one your with and you want to make that relationship work. You do your best to keep yourself emotionally committed.

    Oh and the respect he shows his girlfriend, will be the respect he'll show you, if you were his girlfriend. You know everything that's gone down between the two of you, would you feel comfortable with it if you were his girlfriend?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  23. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, but if you're hugging and holding hands, that's not platonic. And if you're choked up because he hasn't gotten in touch with you for two days, that's not platonic either. Nor is the fact that (apparently) he stopped talking to you because you went on a date with another guy.

    He sounds like a manipulative user who's trying to get you to come back to him, to keep him company while he's away from his long-distance girlfriend. Don't fall for it. You deserve better.
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  24. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Eh I don't know, I feel as if his girlfriend knows about every time we're together, because he calls her to tell her he can't talk for long because he's out with me. So she must know about me, and be fine with it, maybe because it's a long-distance relationship. I don't know.

    I've accepted the advice of all of you that this isn't really the healthiest friendship, but I'd still like some closure and to talk to him before we just ... stop talking. I dunno, to clear the air. Is that unreasonable of me?
  25. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

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    It's not your choice. You can't force him to talk to you.
  26. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, I think he is more interested than he has let on up to this point. Why else would he suddenly start spritzing when she tells him she is thinking about going out on a date? I think that, in his eyes, she has been a kind of "stand in" for the girlfriend in Colombia (minus the sex of course), and her stepping out in a different direction from that is ruining the illusion for him.

    I have a close male buddy, and if I were to get involved with someone, he would be absolutely thrilled for me. The first thing he would be doing is lobbying for the job of DJing the wedding! :D
  27. bek

    bek Guest

    Knowing that her boyfriend is friends with you, and knowing that you guys spend time holding hands etc are too different things.

    I think thats totally possible but Canbelto cannot put her life on hold for this guy. I think this is the same guy she posted about couple of years ago, and that should be a wake up call for her. She can't wait around for this guy decide if he wants to be with her. And I think it would be difficult for another guy to really have a chance with her, while this guy is in the picture. Not to mention if I were a new guy, I'd see huge red flags about the relationship.

    Canbelto at this point needs to move on with her life, and assume that this guy wants the current girlfriend. The thing is that if this guy has deep feelings for her, Canbelto ending the current pattern might be a wake up call for him. But Canbelto cannot distance herself just on hoping that he will change her mind. She has to distance herself, for her own emotional well being. Because she realizes that she deserves better.
  28. Satellitegirl

    Satellitegirl New Member

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    Agreed.
  29. Stormy

    Stormy Well-Known Member

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    A guy who truly is your "best friend" doesn't act like an immature, manipulative, passive aggressive asshat. Which is what he's doing. This isn't a healthy relationship or friendship. You need to get distance to get yourself away from this guy.

    98% of my good friends are guys as well. And isn't the point of having male friends to not have to deal with this sort of DRAMA?
  30. sk9tingfan

    sk9tingfan Well-Known Member

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    I would agree with you. Two thoughts come to mind:

    "The Lady doth protest too much methinks" (his attitude with respect to you're just a friend)

    " He's not sure if he wants you, but he'll be damned if anyone else can have you

    That happened to me
  31. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    Oh, yeah, I completely agree with you. I probably should have expanded that statement to say that I think he is interested in her for selfish reasons.

    I can understand the situation, because I was involved in a situation similar to this, except that there was sex involved, and I didn't even find out that the guy had a girlfriend until over 2 years in. And then I was hooked (because I wanted it to turn into more) and I figured that *I* wasn't the one telling this woman I loved/cared for her and then turning around and messing around on her behind her back, all the while living in her house with her, etc.; he was, so the guilty conscience would be on him. He would tell me she had "issues with physical intimacy" whatever the hell that meant - I don't know, because he never got specific (duh!!).

    Long story short - it ended in a rather ugly fashion 17 months ago, because every time he would say he was too busy to hang out, I'd spritz out and get upset and mentally rail at him because "he's lying" blah blah blah. We never did discuss why he thought it was OK for him to lie to me and to her both, so everytime I would send him a voice mail and he wouldn't get back to me, I would go right back to that one incident. Oh, it was great when he was coming over and all, but when he wasn't... yikes. It's embarrassing to read my blog entries about this, the extent that I let it color the rest of my life is just pathetic.

    One time, when I did catch him in a lie, I just snapped and let loose on his cell voice mail. I didn't say everything I was thinking, but it was enough, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. Fine, because I didn't want to see him again either. I used to be so jealous of his girlfriend, but now... I pity her, because she has no flippin' clue exactly who she is allowing to live under her roof, play father-figure to her daughter, and sleep in her bed, and I'm sure he's found another young woman who is as gullible as I was and not wise enough to be able to see the signs that he is hiding something.

    I wouldn't want to be with him anyhow. If he cheated on her, he'd cheat on me after a time, I'm sure. I'm at the point now where I don't even want to be in a relationship, thanks to what I went through with this guy. It's a lot easier for me to stay "in balance" and focused on what is imprtant in my life when I am single.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  32. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    You know what reading this stuff, you guys are right. I do deserve better.:(

    I guess the best thing for me to do is not try to talk to him at all, etc. until I can get some distance from the whole situation.
  33. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Distance is always good, until you get a hang of your emotions.

    Closure is not unusual to want, not in the least, but you've got to stop expecting anything. If he doesn't want to talk to you even if you've extended the invitation, that's your closure.

    If you wait a week or two and are still really curious, I think you can ask him, but keep it very casual and don't bring a lot of drama into it. ("Hey I haven't heard from you in a while, is everything okay?") At the very least, you have to put on a brave face and not let on that he's affected you so negatively.
  34. Karina1974

    Karina1974 Well-Known Member

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    (((canbelto)))

    It's hard, I know to be caught up in a situation like this. No matter which side of the equation you are on.

    Yes, that would be a good idea.

    Interesting PS to my situation I wrote about... 2 weeks ago I did get a chance to sit down with the guy I mentioned and talk about what happened. Sure, he may have lied about his situation in the beginning, but I was just as much of a liar because I told him that I was OK with things, and had no (ulterior) attachment to him or to the situation we were in. So I was just as bad as he was, because he trusted me, and and I went and blew my stack at him out of nowhere. Like he'd said to me: I knew the situation going in (after finding out that he had a girlfriend) and I had a choice, either deal with that or don't deal with that. If I didn't feel OK with things, then I should have stepped back (I should have stepped back anyway!), so for me to be jumping on him was just wrong.

    I'm a firm believer that, no matter what the situation is between two people, it takes both of them to make it what it is and, if it turns bad, both parties share the blame for it, more often than people like to admit. If I had gone and tried to talk with him back when the break happened, it would have been a very ugly scene. I had to take time away from things and get myself to a point where I could approach him and take responsibility for my own words and actions without defending myself.

    We actually had a pretty good relationship minus the physical intimacy; whether or not that can ever be restored is anyone's guess. I had dropped by his office during a sleet storm (and he works alone) so we were able to talk for a good hour without being disturbed. He wouldn't hug me when I left (said he "didn't trust himself") but he did say that I could call him (we're both on Sprint so we would communicate by sending voice mail like most people send text messages).

    I haven't really had the urge to call him, even after 2 weeks. Maybe closure was all I was looking for? Who knows... but I am glad he didn't kick me out of his office and instead let me say what it was I had to say.
  35. taf2002

    taf2002 Well-Known Member

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    Karina, by any chance, your eyes wouldn't be brown, would they?
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  36. Rhianna

    Rhianna ...Her?

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    He absolutely is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend and in my opinion, that's actually worse than physically cheating on her.

    Knowing about you and knowing the details of your relationship with him are very, very different. Also, just because she knows he's with you doesn't actually mean she is fine with it.

    This happened to me as well and it was what made me realize that my 'friendship' with that guy was extremely unhealthy and we're not friends anymore.
  37. TygerTyger

    TygerTyger New Member

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    Please, please: Do yourself a favor, and stop inviting drama into your life.
  38. kosjenka

    kosjenka Well-Known Member

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    Though I am not in a nearly the same situation as you are, I truly sympathize.

    I've had a sparkle with this guy a little more than 2 years ago. We had off and on contact because the very first longer conversation we had - he dropped a bomb from his personal life to me and told me a lot about himself.
    Although we have not seen much in 2 years, once his father suddenly died - I was the only person he called and wanted to meet and talk. Since then it has been 5 months and we have been seeing each other on regular basis.

    I rarely have chemistry with guys and in last 5 years - he is the only one I have been interested in. I was sensing he was interested in me as well at certain points. But since chemistry is so rare for me - I could not be sure.

    After some time I decided to go clean and tell him my true developing feelings and say that it is okay if he is not interested, that our conversations are private and I would remain and honest friend but just not that regular in order to protect myself.

    Guess what?
    I've never got the chance to tell him that. I called him once - he has not answered - which happened before but he would call back that same day. I texted him twice and he did not answer to that either.

    So I gave up.
    Objectively, he is impolite and rude. This is not a way to treat someone you barely know, let alone a person you have been exchanging the good, the bad, the ugly of your life every week for months.
    This hurts me a lot, but I have never treated anyone like this. Not even people that i do not like, let alone people I talk about my personal problems and pleasures with. So why should I go after him?

    I still have feelings for him and I am still attracted to him. But I deserve to be treated better and he showed he does not care about me and that in any formal romantic relationship - I would get this from him in some period of time.

    Well - no thank you.
    Chemistry - bye bye!
    Physics - welcome back!

    I hope my story comforts you a little. It is hard turning the page and I know you must wish things were at least a little different, but the misery will only go away if you move on.
  39. canbelto

    canbelto Well-Known Member

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    Aww kosjenka. Sorry to hear that.:( In other news, the guy on match.com totally lied about who he was. He said he was a real estate broker, but turns out he's unemployed, and has been for over a year, and spends his time day-trading stocks. Why do people lie like that?:rolleyes:
  40. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    Because if they told the truth, they'd get a lot fewer dates.