Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Jot the Dot Dot, Jun 3, 2010.

  1. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    A banker, an electrician and a politician were all asked the same question: Name the problem that occurs when expenditure exceeds input.

    The banker replies "Overdraft".

    The elctrician replies "Overload".

    The politician replies "What problem?"
     
  2. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    Lanny McDonald was at the gates of heaven signing his name in the book of names.

    L-a-n-n

    When suddenly he sees the blurred image of a hockey player rush by bearing the shirt numbered 99

    He continues

    -y M-c-Do

    He suddenly sees the same image rush by

    -n-a-l-d

    Then the same image rushed by

    Puzzled by this, he asks Saint Peter "I'm a little confused. Did Wayne Gretsky also die and go to Heaven?"

    To which Saint Peter replies "Oh no, that's God. He only thinks he's Gretsky"
     
  3. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    One thread for jokes is enough
     
  4. PeterG

    PeterG Argle-Bargle-ist

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    A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

    "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asks the doctor.

    "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bitch with big blue hair."
     
  5. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    They were passing by a plackard with the proverbial inscription "An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor away" and one says to the other "Great. Now if they only had something for Lawyers"
     
  6. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    What do you get when you cross economist Arthur Laffer with an apple beverage distributer? A supply-side cider supplier.
     
  7. SceneIt

    SceneIt DoneIt

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    A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

    The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."

    For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.

    Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson... "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."

    The moral: Life's tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid.
     
    PeterG and (deleted member) like this.
  8. Aimless

    Aimless New Member

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    What do Brooklyn and control top pantyhose have in common?

    Flatbush.
     
  9. Buzz

    Buzz Well-Known Member

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  10. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?

    A Rolling Stone will say "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

    A Scotsman will say "Hey Macloud, get off of my ewe!"
     
  11. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    What do you call a cow that had an abortion? De-calfinated.
     
  12. Jot the Dot Dot

    Jot the Dot Dot Headstrong Buzzard

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    What do you call a lobster, a crab, and a Hong Kong citizen who gets run over by a steamroller

    Three crustaceans.
     
  13. SceneIt

    SceneIt DoneIt

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    Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

    One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

    "Yeah," says the other cowboy.

    "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

    Just then the Indian looks up.

    "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

    "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

    The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago." :gallopin1
     
  14. ilovepaydays

    ilovepaydays Well-Known Member

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    This is the corny joke I always throw out there when someone asks me for a joke:

    Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

    Who cares! They both end up great in an omelete!
     
  15. SceneIt

    SceneIt DoneIt

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    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

    "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

    The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

    The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

    -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

    "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

    The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here"

    --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

    "One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

    " Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"

    ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

    "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

    The fairy said:
    "Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."
    And she disappeared
     
  16. Fridge_Break

    Fridge_Break Well-Known Member

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    You know that spelling bee that just took place? The final word was 'bonehead.' The kid that won spelled it "B-P C-E-O."