I got engaged! Unfortunately....

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by woodstock, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    But that's a lot of conjecture you're working with there. She's upset about the ring, so that is primarily what she's posting about. Go figure. What's actually happening in real life, and the state of her excitement at her engagement, we don't really know. And we know next-to-nothing about the fiancee, except that he wanted to do something special and is balking at having to change. His motivation behind anything is unknown to us. How he acts in every day life is unknown to us. How woodstock acts in every day life is unknown to us. I don't think everyone on the internet needs to be nice to each other all the time (how boring is that?), and I know posting on a publish forum opens one up to criticism, but I think it's pretty damned rude for you to tell her she's not mature enough to get married based on so little.
  2. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

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    To me, she's just not coming off as even interested in the fact that she's engaged.
  3. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    look at it from the other angle - woodstock a) accepted a marriage proposal that was accompanied by a ring. She said yes to the proposal, and apparently said yes to the ring but b) she then got incredibly hurtful comments about the ring from her family and friends, comments that were not only about the ring but about her fiance. She may have already felt less than thrilled about the ring, but now she absolutely hates it because of other peoples' reactions to it, so c) she is crying all the time and telling fiance how upset she is that other people don't like the ring. She hasn't said whether or not she has told him SHE doesn't like the ring. All the fiance has heard is that he has made her the most miserable person in the world by trying to be thoughtful and buying a ring that would mean more than a standard engagement ring.

    So yeah, woodstock is treating this just as crappily as everybody else, and both her reaction and the fiance's refusal to budge are indications that they may not be ready to get married.

    Just because someone has a huge fantasy of what the day they are proposed to, or even their wedding day will look like, does not guarantee that that's how it's going to play out. I call BS on the whole "this is the moment a girl has been waiting for her whole life" crap. That's just begging for disappointment, because people have this annoying tendency to not behave like they do in fairy tales and hollywood movies. Incredible and memorable moments come out of the people involved in them - one person doesn't get to bring forward her fully formed version of it and make everyone else just play their part.

    ETA - that last paragraph isn't specific to woodstock.
  4. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

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    To me she's not really upset about the ring, she's upset about everyone's reaction about the ring. I think if they loved it, she'd love it.
  5. Kruss

    Kruss Well-Known Member

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    When my sister got engaged, she and her husband didn't have a lot of money. She loves the color blue, so he got her a small round blue topaz set in a white gold setting (it was perhaps 1/8 of a carat, very small). She loved it. Years later their son somehow lost the ring (was playing with it and possibly accidentally flushed it or something). So my BIL replaced it with a big marquise-shaped blue topaz set on a high prong setting; she absolutely adores that ring!

    My aunt never liked diamonds, so she had an engagement ring with a pear-shaped blue star sapphire (remember those?).
  6. flyingsit

    flyingsit Well-Known Member

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    I have an emerald. :) It was from a cocktail ring of my grandmother's, which she had given to my mom... and my mom didn't wear because it wasn't her style. So my mom gave it to us, and we had it taken apart and used the center emerald plus the surrounding small diamonds and had it made into my engagement and wedding rings. My grandmother loved that we used her ring. And I didn't feel slighted in the least that Eric didn't spend much, only the cost of having the new rings made and the stones re-set.
  7. Veronika

    Veronika gold dust woman

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    Or if she told them she loved it (and was eager to show it off) maybe they would lay off?

    I'm very tempted to say that woodstock should get a nice big CZ ring to wear around her family. :) Tacori has some fabulous CZ rings that they sell on QVC!
  8. VALuvsMKwan

    VALuvsMKwan Wandering Goy

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    Let's see you (not just Angelskates, but anyone posting here)
    1. Get an engagement ring you don't care for,
    2. That physically hurts you,
    3. Have a fiance who doesn't seem to care for any of your feelings in the situation, but only is concerned that he managed to surprise you with without asking any input from you at all...

    Even leaving out the comments and reactions from outside the relationship, unless you are the biggest bloody martyr in the world, would you really think this is a situation that you could be happy in, and not be an indicator for potential future difficulties in your relationship?

    If so, I'll be happy to shoot arrows into you or put you on a pyre and light the match so that you can more closely resemble your apparent role models. :wall:
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  9. bek

    bek Guest

    Well I don't know, the whole subject of her post was her ring. It may be that she's choosing here to vent her feelings about her ring. It doesn't mean that she's not excited about her engagement, isn't committed to her fiance etc.

    I know that my ex later on got engaged/married to a girl who was insisting on a 6,000 engagement ring. He was a graduate student and couldn't afford that ring, but that's what she wanted. He vented to everyone about it, even me. I didn't tell him what I thought because I felt it would be very inappropriate for me to say anything. I know several of his friends did say something and didn't think too highly of her insisting on the ring. Although he told us that she was the type who'd rather have a fancy ring and elope, its what she always dreamed of. He wanted the bigger wedding.

    What ended up happening was that a friend of hers gave him the money to buy the ring, and he did. Now personally I was a bit meh about some other guy buying the ring for me and I'd go with what my guy could afford, but hey it worked for them.This being said they know though are still married for years, have two beautiful children.. They have so far lasted a lot longer than a lot of our other friend's marriage, but then again other than that ring issue I actually did think she was a good fit for him.

    Everyone has their issues its how you deal with it. I do think your fiance should recognize that maybe just because you don't love his taste in jewelry it doesn't mean you don't love him. But I think maybe you should value your fiance's feelings more than the ring. Maybe you can just wear this ring on special occassions, and get another more "functional ring."
  10. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    I can't tell the difference between a diamond and CZ when looking at them anyway. But I also don't like diamonds.

    I will add that I do, actually, think engagement rings are silly. But I do know that a lot of girls are brought up to dream about the day they meet The One and gets theirs - and more importantly, society pressures them to think that way. So I really can't blame girls for thinking like that, even if I agree with the entirety of your last paragraph, genevieve.
  11. snoopy

    snoopy Team St. Petersburg

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    Yeah, I think the ring is tied up with status and relates to a cultural outlook. I would not care about the ring so much but occasionally, I overhear other women who make a very big deal about it. I usually overhear this at the hair salon where I spend too much money.

    My read of the initial post is that the most upsetting thing was *that other people didn’t know she was engaged.* There is certain bragging rights that goes along with that, that she is missing out on.

    As to the marriage question – should they or shouldn’t they – I think the two have to be of the same cultural mindset. I can’t tell from just this incident, but if the status stuff is going to be continually important to her and *not* important to him, then there will always be problems. But if this is just a one off, then its probably not that big of a deal.
  12. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    This is a myth perpetuated by the diamond/wedding ring industry, who of course want people to spend as much as possible.
  13. Vash01

    Vash01 Well-Known Member

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    Woodstock,

    No matter what you decide to do about the engagement ring, I hope you and your husband will have a very long and very happy married life.
  14. victoriajh

    victoriajh Well-Known Member

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    I think that. You had a n idea in your mind of what you wanted to get and when you did not you re disappointed having bookmarks and telling your bf about the bookmarks are two diff things :)
    Sometimes the dream of a situation and the reality are two diff things. I do not think that your reaction wodstock is off base, when you get engaged we all want the 'let me see the ring!' and wow reactions!!!! When you don't get that and you want it you would be disappointed!!!
    I wear my engagement ring every day, I love what it represents ( that some one loves me enough to marry me!! Ha ah ah ;) ) I also wear my wedding ring , that ws my mums and my grandmothers engagement ring.
    You fiancee is hurt that he tried to make you happy and he ws off th mark. He will understand when he sees how happy you are witht he right ring :) good luck

    Ps my hubby's theory is now that he cannot choose wrong if he goes to Tiffany ;)
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  15. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

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    100% agree
  16. Coco

    Coco Well-Known Member

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  17. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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  18. kwanfan1818

    kwanfan1818 I

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    I once saw the Ingmar Bergman film that was based on his parents' relationship, "The Best Intentions", and I didn't understand why they spoke about not yet being married when she was wearing a wedding band. A Swedish friend explained that a Scandinavian custom was to get one gold band on the betrothal and another at the wedding.
  19. jlai

    jlai Title-less

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    I don't think rings are a big deal but then "we spend $$ on people to show them how much we care" seems an entrenched thought in wealthy societies. Just look at how much $$ we spend on Xmas gifts.
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  20. Prancer

    Prancer The "specialness" that is Staff Member

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    I think it's kind of hilarious to read some of these posts scolding woodstock or making such a big deal out of her engagement ring and saying that she should call off the marriage because of it. Er......:lol:

    I didn't like my engagement ring. My mom made a snarky comment about it and so did some of my friends, which was kind of embarrassing, to be honest. I got married anyway, because no one told me that not liking the engagement ring was such a bad sign. Life went on. Eventually I forgot all about the engagement period, which lasted only a couple of months anyway, and found other things to dislike, some even more than the engagement ring, many of them about myself. In spite of this, I continue to be married, although our annual review is coming up in February and we WILL be discussing certain failings in our best practices. There is no resting on your laurels in this organization :soapbox:.

    This is one of those situations where the primary person has to make some choices between several things that are important; woodstock has to choose what is MOST important to her and let the rest of it go. It's good practice for marriage; these choices happen a lot, especially in the beginning.
  21. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    :rofl:
  22. woodstock

    woodstock New Member

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    Wow. I guess I did ask opinions. You know what happened today? One of the nurses at work came by to congratulate me (word spreads fast) and complimented my ring. And she was genuine BOTH in words and facial/body expression. And you know how I felt? Happy Happy Happy! It's all I wanted.

    I think that's really the basis of it. Is the ring me? Not really, he did a major miss. Would I have come to terms with not having a pretty sparkly? Maybe eventually. Can I do so now that people (and especially family) have crapped all over it and its the major reason for reactions to my special moment being tarnished forever? I'm not sure.

    I like to think I am not spoiled and shallow. I cleaned kennels to pay my way through college (working full time and school at night at the ripe old age of 19) and lived lacking many modern amenities as a peace corps volunteer. I don't need a million dollar bling ring. In fact, one of the rings I bookmarked for him to find was a bridal set totalling $900 (wedding band included!). And I don't want a big fancy wedding, I in fact mentioned doing a small city hall thing with a nice lunch with close family and friends after (which HE rejected, and this will be his 2nd marriage and my first!).

    BUT, I want a ring that when I walk in people will see it and know that I am taken. THat I am engaged to a most wonderful man and all you other men don't even dare try to ask me out because someone loves me and the proof is right there on my finger for all to recognize and see.

    I sat for an hour with my family before anybody even noticed this ring. I had to explain what the ring was to just about everybody because absolutely NOBODY has recognized it for what it is meant to represent.

    And to top it all off, I'm getting insulted for this ring. To my face.

    My fiance is a high school teacher. He has the means to afford a 1/2 carat solitare. In fact, it was what I had expected as he HATES shopping. I envisioned him running in the store and picking out the first one he saw that fit the classical term "engagement ring". Had I known he was going to go store to store in search of a butterfly ring (and he told me he bought the first one he found- so he was just thinking "butterfly" and no more specific than that). I would have handed him the printout of the previously linked item to make his life easier and to make sure it was what I would like. (and no, it is not lost on me that he hates shopping and spent hours shopping for this ring. I love him that he did such a thing. But loving him and his intention does not mean I should be forced to love the item it produced)

    I was looking forward to shopping together for bands to fit a solitare (which I could make MY style). Now we will go to the jeweler Thursday and he will find out that his diamond chip and mother of pearl ring will probably cost him well into four figures to mold and specialty design a wedding band to fit it. And then it will not even aesthetically look like a butterfly anymore as it will be altered by the wedding band surrounding it. All for what is probably a $300 fashion butterfly ring.

    As for whiny crying me. I've done most of my crying in private. And really kept my personal opinion low key to not trash his feelings too badly (and honestly, it is a lovely ring. And I would have loved to have gotten this ring...for my birthday). But I did let him know how sad others peoples reactions were making me (which he still has yet to experience). And it makes me sad to think that this happy moment to run around showing my ring and excitement and get "oohs and ahhs" is gone...and won't ever be gotten back. (and even if I get a ring I like better, this moment is still forever gone). And when I explained that to him today it finally set me overboard in front of him. And the minute he saw a tear, I think he FINALLY realized the depth of hurt that I was feeling from people reactions. (because up until then he just kept telling me that other peoples opinions don't matter and to just ignore them). And he said we'll go to the jeweler Thursday and entertain the idea of returning it.
  23. jlai

    jlai Title-less

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    If you post a picture of your ring here I'll ooh and aaah along with her and offer my congrats. Who cares what your family thinks? :)
  24. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    Yay! Congrats, truly :)
  25. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    Just fyi--married women sporting rings get hit on all the time :shuffle:.

    Anyhow, it sounds like you've found a solution. I would say in the future, if you are a bit more upfront with your wants/needs, it would go a long way to circumventing such disappointments in the future. I know some people prefer to hint rather than speak frankly, but it sure can save a lot of angst down the road.

    :)
  26. jlai

    jlai Title-less

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    Does it mean I should have announced before Xmas I wanted the US nationals all events package to everyone I know? :p
  27. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

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    You know the ol' saying--ask and ye shall receive :cool:

    I think if receiving a very specific gift is *that* important to someone, they should just say they want X. It just saves a lot of time and emotional energy.

    What some do (and I don't know if this applies to woodstock or not--just speaking generally here) is drop hints left and right, but never come right out and say it. They think part of the specialness of the gift comes from having the other person correctly figure it out. When that doesn't happen, it's not just a missed gift, it becomes a sign the other person wasn't truly thoughtful or caring enough, etc. The gift becomes a referendum on the relationship as a whole, and that puts enormous pressure on the one giving a gift. The more direct thing would be to say what one's emotional needs are and how they could best be met, and then let the other person do that. That allows the person giving the gift to also say what their needs are, so everyone is then on the same page.

    Anyhow, none of the above may apply to this particular situation. I've just found being open and direct about one's needs and wants tends to save a lot of drama down the road :)
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  28. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    The thing is, it can be dangerous to be too dependent on other people's opinions. Your mood can swing up and down several times a day just based on what someone else thinks or says. I know, because I've struggled with this myself. It's not a very enjoyable way to live.
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  29. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    For me, what the ring has to do with it, is that he apparently is not getting that she's not happy with it. Sorry, but, maybe he should have asked her Mom or a sister, or a friend to help. He should want the ring to be something she will enjoy wearing. And if it's not her taste, and it is awkward and hurts her finger, and he's unwilling to even consider he's made a less than stellar choice...hmmm! Fact is, woodstock has to wear it, she should like it and it should be comfortable.

    That is it in a nutshell!

    When I got engaged, I didn't get a ring. We were saving for a house. My parents were divorced and my Mom felt bad that I didn't have a ring, so she gave me her diamond, from her engagement ring. We had it set, very simply and that was my ring. Our wedding bands were plain, thin, gold bands, nothing extravagant, by a long shot. I didn't care that I was not given a ring. I would have cared if my husband got me something I really disliked and didn't want to compromise.
  30. MacMadame

    MacMadame Internet Beyotch

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    But it HURTS HER FINGER. Even if everyone loved it so she loved it, that's got to put a damper on things.

    Heh, heh. Bet you won't do that again. ;)

    I will say that the whole gift giving part of a relationship is often full of potholes to trip you up. Everyone has expectations around gifts and what is and isn't appropriate and what is and isn't romantic. And a lot of times these are unstated and the two people haven't got the same ideas. The worst is when people's ideas include that the other person should just *know* because to be told isn't romantic.

    I know Mr. Mac always gave great Christmas and Birthday gifts. He actually does notice I need things and often gives me something I love but didn't even know I wanted. Or wanted but didn't ask for because I didn't think of it. (Like my makeup mirror is dying and I keep thinking I should get a new one but as soon as I leave the bathroom, I forget about. Guess what I got for Christmas?!). But he sucked at Valentines Day and Mothers Day.

    We talked about this and for VD, it turned out he just didn't know what to do so got these traditional gifts like chocolates in a heart-shaped box (but cheap ones that didn't taste good because the good chocolates didn't come in heart-shaped boxes) or mugs with teddy bears on them. I hate that stuff. So I told him "pretend it's my birthday only spend less money" and ever since then he's done fine.

    For Mother's Day, we actually had a fight before we got that one resolved. It turned out he was uncomfortable buying me something because "you're not my mother". IOW, he was feeling kind of Oedipal buying Mother's Day presents for his wife. I replied "No, I'm not your mother, but I am your children's Mother and they are too young to do it themselves." And then he saw things in a different way and everything was fine.

    You'll work this stuff out... but it does take really talking about things. And listening.
  31. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    Oh man, it took me a few minutes to realize that you were referring to Valentine's Day... :rofl:
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  32. Civic

    Civic New Member

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    The way I see it, Woodstock and her fiance have at least 2 problems.

    Problem #1: She cares too much what other people think. Granted, she doesn't like the ring either but she should have stood up for it if only because the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with bought it for her.

    Problem #2: Her fiance is too invested in the fantasy of his selecting the perfect ring for her ON HIS OWN.

    Let's start with Problem #1. I would be curious as to what Woodstock's family and friends think of her fiance. Do they have a pattern of putting him down. If so, this could account for their dissing her engagement ring. Woodstock will need to get better at putting them in their place if she plans on marrying this man.

    Moving onto Problem #2. Several questions occur to me: Is Woodstock's fiance more in love with his fantasy version of their relationship than he is in love with her? Does he take constructive criticism well or is he normally defensive? Do her family and friends like her fiance? Do they think he is the right man for her? Etc.
  33. cruisin

    cruisin Well-Known Member

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    I think fiancee needs to pay more attention.

    My daughter's boyfriend gave her a beautiful David Yurman bangle bracelet with pave diamonds on the caps, for Christmas. Apparently, 2 years ago, she complimented a friend on the same bracelet, said she really loved it. He remembered and got it for her. That is romantic, that he paid attention and remembered how much she loved the bracelet and saved for it. I am even more impressed with him remembering the "perfect" bracelet than the bracelet itself. Needless to say she loves it and loves that he remembered.
  34. Bailey_

    Bailey_ Guest

    Having known Woodstock for years, I have to say that she is the most wonderful, caring, and thoughtful person. As we all have, she has waited for many years and kissed many frogs before meeting a man who brings her joy and with whom, she has decided to share her life. I am truly saddened by all the assumptions that have been made and the disrespectful and unflattering (directed toward the people who have voiced the opinions) comments that have been made.

    Woodstock, I am truly excited to share in your joy and wish you all the best in your future married life. I'm very sorry that the ring was not what you expected -- all girls dream of this moment and I feel badly that your joy has been somewhat tarnished by the fact that the ring may not be what you would have chosen and that the response you have received from those you love may not have been what you wanted. If the ring is hurting your finger and it's not functional for work, I would suggest that you talk more with your fiance and hopefully he will come to understand that you need to have a ring that you will be able to wear everyday. I don't think that's unreasonable and he should in time come to appreciate your concerns.

    Congratulations.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2011
  35. Badams

    Badams Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations on your engagement! As for the ring, don't sweat the small stuff. It seems like such an important thing right now, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't. :)
  36. overedge

    overedge Well-Known Member

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    No, they don't.
  37. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

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    None of us got to see the initial engagement ring because she could tell right away it wasn't extravagant enough. I assume the first one cost between $2500 and $5000 since he was always generous with her. I would never wear anything that expensive and gaudy, it's just asking to get mugged. That marriage lasted about 12 years. Then she got engaged to another man, same 3 month salary stipulation, then they broke off the engagement and she didn't return the ring. She is no longer a friend. Well, she's still a distant friend, but her whole attitude about that really turned me off and I looked at her much differently. She was driving around in a crappy 6 y/o Subaru, and would rather have an impractical crazy ring on her finger than a new car or a nice wedding reception. Some people have different priorities.
  38. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    Agree! For me, it wasn't the ring, the dress, or ceremony/reception. I never thought about any of that - just the GUY. That was all I dreamed about.
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  39. MacMadame

    MacMadame Internet Beyotch

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    Hey, I spelled it all out the first time before I abbreviated it just like they taught us in English class. ;)

    Really? Because I don't pretend everything my dh does is wonderful. I mean his shit smells just like anyone else's and sometimes he screws up. I won't rub his nose in it or backtalk about him to my friends but, if I'm not happy with something he's done, I'm not going to "stand up for it" as if I think it's great if I don't.

    No they don't but some do and that's okay.

    Heck, I never really even dreamed about the guy unless I had one. I know people who have their weddings all planned out and their dress and the ring and even the guy and some who have only some of that planned out but some of us don't really think about any of that stuff very much until it actually happens to us.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with having ideas about how you want your life to go though as long as you are flexible about it when it does happen and don't go all rigid when things don't go as you dreamed when you were 8. :lol:
  40. Really

    Really No longer just a "well-known member" Yay!

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    ;)

    And agree with the rest of what Prancer said in her post.