I got engaged! Unfortunately....

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by woodstock, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. KCC

    KCC Active Member

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    I'm another one who only wears her engagement ring for special occasions. It is a traditional ring, but it catches on everything, is hard to wear with gloves, and feels bulky when I wear it with my wide-banded wedding ring. I like the look of it, but not the feel. My husband asks me periodically if I want a bigger diamond -- he sometimes thinks that I don't wear the ring because the stone is not big enough -- but I assure him that 1) I love what he got me, 2) a bigger stone would only catch on more things and be more uncomfortable and 3) I would not wear a bigger stone any more often than the current one. I love our wedding bands and am happy to not wear the diamond except for dressing up. It has been like this since we said "I do".
     
  2. Veronika

    Veronika gold dust woman

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    In my experience, other people have a lot to say when it comes to engagement rings. It really matter what the couple is comfortable--but it's obvious that Woodstock is not happy with the ring, and that needs to be fixed.

    I got engaged with a simple (yellow) gold band, which looked a lot like a wedding band. It was a promise ring of sorts--I got it at the beginning of April and we got the "real" ring in June that year. We picked out the "real" ring together--I wanted something non-traditional, so we decided on an aquamarine center stone. My ring is lovely, and I've gotten many compliments on it--it's oval and about 1.5 carats with diamond side stones (probably .25 carats of diamonds.) It's very big when you compare it to a diamond ring...but the stone has a tiny chip in it, so I don't wear it every day. I have a diamond wedding band that I wear every day.

    My sister is the one that suggested I could go with a non-diamond center stone on my engagement ring...but she seems to have forgotten this. She keeps saying that I can inherit my mom's diamond when she passes away...never mind that my mom's diamond is a marquise cut and I don't really like those. ;) My sister makes the fact that I don't have a diamond some sort of deal, and I don't really get why.

    My advice to Woodstock--fight for what you want, up to a point. The ring should not be a deal-breaker.
     
  3. nubka

    nubka Well-Known Member

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    ITA!
     
  4. WindSpirit

    WindSpirit OmnipresentAdmeanistrator

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    Very nice-looking ring and it does look like an engagement ring.

    He may not care what they think, but he should care what you think. You love him, you appreciate the fact that he tried to find something special, but for many reasons, you are unhappy with that ring. And I'm sure it's not what he tried to accomplish here.

    You guys need to meet halfway. You have your own traditional ideas about engagement rings and he has his. You want a traditional-looking ring, he wants to give it to you in a traditional way. How about you talk to a good friend of his, maybe someone from his family if they're close, who could help connect your ideas? If they talked to him and showed him that other ring (that you had seen and approved), better yet a few to choose from so he'd make the choice in the end, maybe that would be easier for him to swallow?

    As a person who's very particular about my jewelry, I like to choose my own. I'm not comfortable wearing something I don't like. I don't care if it's expensive (I'm not crazy about diamonds either, I just don't get the appeal), I just have to like it. I would definitely want to like my engagement ring and would like to have at least some say into choosing it. I would be unhappy if I didn't like it. So I don't think you're crazy or unreasonable. Yes, it's just a ring, but it's a symbol, too. And it should make you feel happy.

    BTW, all those people making those negative comments are out of line. They should be supportive of you and your fiance, not trying to put you down or make fun of you. OK, so he didn't buy you exactly what you wanted, but he tried. Men are generally clueless when it comes to stuff like that (those bookmarked pages that you left for him, babes, that never works! :lol:), so it is sweet that he tried to make it special. Hopefully he can be guided into making a tad better choice that would make you and him happy. After all, it's about making each other happy. Right now, you're not happy. Whatever his ideas about rigs are, he should try to make you happy. And you should try not to hurt his feelings, so thread carefully. Congratulations, by the way. Hopefully you'll be able to chuckle about it years later and it'll make a good story for you children, if you plan any, or your family in general. Best wishes to you both.
     
  5. Southpaw

    Southpaw Saint Smugpawski

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    I said she should keep this one for special occassions and get a different everyday ring because by the way she described it sounds like those butterfly wings stand a good chance of getting caught on something one day and snapping off. If that were to happen it would upset both of them all over again. It just doesn't sound like a ring that is built to withstand the rigors of daily life.

    I think emotions need to settle down a bit before any attempt is made to resolve this and negotiate a compromise. The fiance is obviously feeling rather defensive right now, probably because his masculine pride is hurt and when a man is in that state it's no time to try to negotiate a deal with him.
     
  6. orbitz

    orbitz Well-Known Member

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    At this point I'm sure the fiancee is well aware that his future bride is very, very unhappy with the engagement ring. Right or wrong, I'm sure he will feel the pressure to try and rectify it and probably will.
     
  7. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. "Romantic" means different things to different people, and keeping quiet while your man just does things for you isn't part of my definition. :lol: At the same time....

    It sounds like everyone in woodstock's life is being a poop. I mean, criticizing her ring immediately upon the news that she's getting MARRIED??? :scream: I don't want to know these people!

    Not to mention the fiance refusing to listen and woodstock crying over how she doesn't like her ring. Everyone's being a poop!

    My bf is very very considerate to me, but he doesn't get hints. :lol: I have to tell him full-stop what I want. I think many men are like this, or at least the men in my life. Doesn't mean they're not good partners, yeesh. There's a lot more to relationships than that.

    THIS THIS THIS THIS! :respec:

    I want to marry you rjblue. :lol:
     
  8. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

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    If it's nearly flawless? Two months' salary would be good unless he makes a LOT of money. A perfect one-carat is going to set you back. (Not as much as a true ruby, sapphire, or heaven help you, emerald, because real stones rather than synthetics are rarer than diamonds, but a LOT.) Unless you cheat and get a bunch of little stones that add up to a carat.

    Woodstock, that ring you linked to is gorgeous. Be honest with him. It's that or you're going to end up not wearing it, especially if you're working with patients who are a danger of ripping jewelry off.
     
  9. WindSpirit

    WindSpirit OmnipresentAdmeanistrator

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    I have but I think it's stupid. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with anything too expensive. I don't want to worry about getting robbed or damaging or losing it. The more expensive it would be, the less often I would wear it so what's the point? I can't imagine accepting a 25-30K ring. Maybe if I was leading a Hollywood star life then I wouldn't care, but to me that's an obscene amount of money to spend on jewelry. But then again, some people really like jewelry. It's their thing.

    If I were your friend, I'd be perfectly happy with a 5K ring. BTW, did she even like the ring she got and only decided to return it because it wasn't expensive enough? What happened to them? Frankly, if I were the guy I would break off the engagement. Alas, many people, including many women, are like that. They like expensive stuff because it's a status thing. I have family like that. They've turned "Keeping up with the Joneses" into art. They like many things just because they're expensive. I couldn't give a shit which brings me problems too when some guys can't understand why their "charms" (aka material possessions) are not working and they get very frustrated. "I don't understand women!" - "You mean, you don't understand it when your luxury car doesn't impress women?" :shuffle:
     
  10. Really

    Really No longer just a "well-known member" Yay!

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    The cost of the ring means squat. My engagement ring was $250 because we were students and broke. We were engaged for a month before I got a ring. Big deal. Next August we will celebrate our 30th anniversary.
     
  11. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

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    Seriously. I love working with my hands and I wouldn't dare wear anything very large or expensive on my fingers. I imagine the women who want expensive rings don't do anything with their hands aside from getting their nails done. :lol:

    I loooove uber-luxury brand cars myself (Lamborghinis, Ferraris), but only because they're such drool-worthy beautiful cars. Couldn't care less about the douchebags who drive them out in public. ;)
     
  12. succubus

    succubus Well-Known Member

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    I just can't fathom the friends/family saying nasty things about her ring. My girlfriend's engagement ring is a gorgeous giant blue topaz in a rectangle antique setting. She's gotten a lot of 'wow, that's different' but never any of the shittiness Woodstock appears to be getting. Secretly, I'm a little envious of that ring - I have a sweet and conventional solitaire which I wouldn't trade for the world because it's from the man I love more than anything, but I look at her ring and think 'how gorgeous and unique'. ;)

    Plus all of this is really bullshit in the grand scheme of things. It's just a ring -I'd examine my own reaction, his reaction, and my family's reaction to it to see what's going on under the surface here.
     
  13. Desperado

    Desperado Active Member

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    I could just be imagining this, but I'd be curious to find out how woodstock's family felt about the fiance before the ring giving. It could be that the ring is a catalyst for a lot of feelings felt by everyone right now.
     
  14. jadingirl

    jadingirl Member

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    So what is your budget for a ring? If the ring he got contains diamond chips I assume it is 1000$ or less - it sounds like he got you the best blingingest ring he could for that money hence the reason it is large. Tell him you want to keep it but can't wear it and that you would like to choose a wedding band set that includes a small diamond ring that you can wear daily. You should be able to but a set for 1000$ easily at a chain jewelry store.

    A friend of mine got a huge diamond from her man but it was not a good quality one (though I would never say that to her) it was very dirty looking not a lot of sparkle but it was at least 1 carat or more. It was obvious he wanted to buy her the biggest ring he could not the best quality and it sounds like maybe that's what your fiance did too.
     
  15. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

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    That sounds so pretty. I think I'd like something like that. Diamonds are gorgeous, but when everyone has them in engagement rings, sometimes I think it might be fun to be a little different. :)
     
  16. Veronika

    Veronika gold dust woman

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    That, and you can get something much bigger and nicer than a diamond if you get a gemstone instead. The price difference is dramatic.
     
  17. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

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    I definitely thought about this, too.
     
  18. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

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    I think this says more about you than your fiancé. He found a unique ring and you look at it and it makes you sad? What about what the ring represents to you as a couple, as in that he LOVES you enough to find something unique and special, and that he wants to spend his life with you? Any ring can be an engagement ring because an engagement is not about a piece of jewellery and the fact your focus is, bothers me. I honestly think if others loved it, you'd love it. I don't think your problem is with the ring at all, but your focus on the ring and what other people think of it, is sad - and IMHO a huge indication that you are not ready for marraige.
     
  19. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    I'm a bit perplexed that, apparently, the fact that woodstock got a ring she a) doesn't like, at all, and from what she's said she wouldn't have really loved even if people were gaga all over it, b) has heard all sorts of really nasty shit about, c) actually physically hurts her, and d) her fiancee is apparently too stubborn to do a thing about, regardless of A-C, and that e) she is therefore severely upset about something that she's likely been waiting for for a very long time and wanted to be this big, joyous, happy occassion but is instead a pile of shit.... means that she clearly shouldn't be getting married at all. Wow. Seriously, guys?

    Yeah, some of you were able to bone up when you weren't able to have the traditional engagement rings, which is great. I assume you talked about that with your fiancees and understood that from the get-go, as well. I don't get any indication that woodstock had any reason to expect anything less than something traditional, in this case, and in this society engagement rings are, as stupid as it is, considered to be quite important. Considering the verbal abuse she's getting from all these people her fiancee isn't dealing with, I can hardly blame her from crying. She's not just crying because she doesn't like the ring. She's crying because this entire situation is never what a girl wants when she's been dreaming of her engagement for probably her whole life. It's supposed to be this big, happy, joyous thing, and everyone is treating it crappily. That's awful.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
    mag, WindSpirit, Angela-Fan and 3 others like this.
  20. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

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    Look, I'm not saying she shouldn't get married. I'm saying that she AND her fiancé don't appear to exhibit the maturity necessary to marry. I'm sorry she didn't get the ring she expected; I'm also sorry she's hurt by it, physically. And I'm sorry she's putting up with some jerky relatives. But you know what? Disappointment happens in life. And I'm sorry if it's supposed to be some "big joyous thing," but life doesn't go as planned 95% of the time. It just seems like she's more concerned about the physical object than the engagement, and if she can't move past this and get to the happiness of "so what, I'm still engaged!", then no, I don't think anyone's out of line in saying that she's not mature enough to handle a marriage.
     
  21. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    But that's a lot of conjecture you're working with there. She's upset about the ring, so that is primarily what she's posting about. Go figure. What's actually happening in real life, and the state of her excitement at her engagement, we don't really know. And we know next-to-nothing about the fiancee, except that he wanted to do something special and is balking at having to change. His motivation behind anything is unknown to us. How he acts in every day life is unknown to us. How woodstock acts in every day life is unknown to us. I don't think everyone on the internet needs to be nice to each other all the time (how boring is that?), and I know posting on a publish forum opens one up to criticism, but I think it's pretty damned rude for you to tell her she's not mature enough to get married based on so little.
     
  22. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

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    To me, she's just not coming off as even interested in the fact that she's engaged.
     
  23. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

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    look at it from the other angle - woodstock a) accepted a marriage proposal that was accompanied by a ring. She said yes to the proposal, and apparently said yes to the ring but b) she then got incredibly hurtful comments about the ring from her family and friends, comments that were not only about the ring but about her fiance. She may have already felt less than thrilled about the ring, but now she absolutely hates it because of other peoples' reactions to it, so c) she is crying all the time and telling fiance how upset she is that other people don't like the ring. She hasn't said whether or not she has told him SHE doesn't like the ring. All the fiance has heard is that he has made her the most miserable person in the world by trying to be thoughtful and buying a ring that would mean more than a standard engagement ring.

    So yeah, woodstock is treating this just as crappily as everybody else, and both her reaction and the fiance's refusal to budge are indications that they may not be ready to get married.

    Just because someone has a huge fantasy of what the day they are proposed to, or even their wedding day will look like, does not guarantee that that's how it's going to play out. I call BS on the whole "this is the moment a girl has been waiting for her whole life" crap. That's just begging for disappointment, because people have this annoying tendency to not behave like they do in fairy tales and hollywood movies. Incredible and memorable moments come out of the people involved in them - one person doesn't get to bring forward her fully formed version of it and make everyone else just play their part.

    ETA - that last paragraph isn't specific to woodstock.
     
  24. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

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    To me she's not really upset about the ring, she's upset about everyone's reaction about the ring. I think if they loved it, she'd love it.
     
  25. Kruss

    Kruss Not Auto-Tuned

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    When my sister got engaged, she and her husband didn't have a lot of money. She loves the color blue, so he got her a small round blue topaz set in a white gold setting (it was perhaps 1/8 of a carat, very small). She loved it. Years later their son somehow lost the ring (was playing with it and possibly accidentally flushed it or something). So my BIL replaced it with a big marquise-shaped blue topaz set on a high prong setting; she absolutely adores that ring!

    My aunt never liked diamonds, so she had an engagement ring with a pear-shaped blue star sapphire (remember those?).
     
  26. flyingsit

    flyingsit Well-Known Member

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    I have an emerald. :) It was from a cocktail ring of my grandmother's, which she had given to my mom... and my mom didn't wear because it wasn't her style. So my mom gave it to us, and we had it taken apart and used the center emerald plus the surrounding small diamonds and had it made into my engagement and wedding rings. My grandmother loved that we used her ring. And I didn't feel slighted in the least that Eric didn't spend much, only the cost of having the new rings made and the stones re-set.
     
  27. Veronika

    Veronika gold dust woman

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    Or if she told them she loved it (and was eager to show it off) maybe they would lay off?

    I'm very tempted to say that woodstock should get a nice big CZ ring to wear around her family. :) Tacori has some fabulous CZ rings that they sell on QVC!
     
  28. VALuvsMKwan

    VALuvsMKwan Wandering Goy

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    Let's see you (not just Angelskates, but anyone posting here)
    1. Get an engagement ring you don't care for,
    2. That physically hurts you,
    3. Have a fiance who doesn't seem to care for any of your feelings in the situation, but only is concerned that he managed to surprise you with without asking any input from you at all...

    Even leaving out the comments and reactions from outside the relationship, unless you are the biggest bloody martyr in the world, would you really think this is a situation that you could be happy in, and not be an indicator for potential future difficulties in your relationship?

    If so, I'll be happy to shoot arrows into you or put you on a pyre and light the match so that you can more closely resemble your apparent role models. :wall:
     
    Angela-Fan and (deleted member) like this.
  29. bek

    bek Guest

    Well I don't know, the whole subject of her post was her ring. It may be that she's choosing here to vent her feelings about her ring. It doesn't mean that she's not excited about her engagement, isn't committed to her fiance etc.

    I know that my ex later on got engaged/married to a girl who was insisting on a 6,000 engagement ring. He was a graduate student and couldn't afford that ring, but that's what she wanted. He vented to everyone about it, even me. I didn't tell him what I thought because I felt it would be very inappropriate for me to say anything. I know several of his friends did say something and didn't think too highly of her insisting on the ring. Although he told us that she was the type who'd rather have a fancy ring and elope, its what she always dreamed of. He wanted the bigger wedding.

    What ended up happening was that a friend of hers gave him the money to buy the ring, and he did. Now personally I was a bit meh about some other guy buying the ring for me and I'd go with what my guy could afford, but hey it worked for them.This being said they know though are still married for years, have two beautiful children.. They have so far lasted a lot longer than a lot of our other friend's marriage, but then again other than that ring issue I actually did think she was a good fit for him.

    Everyone has their issues its how you deal with it. I do think your fiance should recognize that maybe just because you don't love his taste in jewelry it doesn't mean you don't love him. But I think maybe you should value your fiance's feelings more than the ring. Maybe you can just wear this ring on special occassions, and get another more "functional ring."
     
  30. michiruwater

    michiruwater Well-Known Member

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    I can't tell the difference between a diamond and CZ when looking at them anyway. But I also don't like diamonds.

    I will add that I do, actually, think engagement rings are silly. But I do know that a lot of girls are brought up to dream about the day they meet The One and gets theirs - and more importantly, society pressures them to think that way. So I really can't blame girls for thinking like that, even if I agree with the entirety of your last paragraph, genevieve.